Thursday, September 19, 2013

striving to remember

My Mother is a saint.
She has taken my boys and watched them, played with them and entertained them for so many hours this week, just so I could get a few things done.
She deserves a parade.
I just give her hugs... doesn't seem like enough.
The past few weeks have been stressful. Some of it is just the normal life of a mother of young children, some of it is paperwork...endless paperwork and details, some of it is me, just realizing... comprehending...truly seeing that I am doing more and more by myself. Which in turn means the Captain is doing less and less.
Not because he doesn't want to... but because he can't.
I'm not sure what to contribute it to. Medication... swelling, necrosis, cancer, lack of motivation, a big hole in his brain that shouldn't be there... a  combination of all of the above.
He is very tired most of the time.
Sleeps many hours a day.
Doesn't really partake in conversations anymore.
And just over all doesn't feel well.
We have a doc appointment today. We get to see and chat with his oncologist and he will have a second infusion of a drug that is supposed to make him feel better.
It did not really help last time.
I find that each day I am just a inch away from tears. They might be tears of stress, the feeling of being overwhelmed, sadness, or anger and frustration... depending upon the minute of the day.
I think the weight of the past few months, and the reality of our situation has just hit me. Part of me thinks I was holding reality at arms length so I would not have to deal... another part of me knows there has been a physical and cognitive decline in my husband the past couple of months.
And it scares me.
It makes me sad.
I still do not know what God is doing, I do not know if this is a hard patch and with time, medication and rest the Captain will bounce back.( After his first brain surgery we had a period of two months where he had major trouble talking and forming sentences because his brain was forming new pathways for information... and he bounced back.)
Or if God is preparing us... stretching us, growing us for more hard that is to come.
I just don't know.
And it is so frustrating.
I keep thinking if I just knew what to prepare for, I could make it through this weird limbo/transition time with more energy...boldness...hope.
It's this in-between-ness that is so hard. The slow road, where each day you feel like your pack is a bit heavier than the day before... not sure if your destination leads to relief or sorrow.
I feel weary.
But God.
Two words that save the day... God uses others to comfort me. To care for me, To lift me up. He uses His word to sustain me, to bring peace and hope.
He reminds me of all that He has done... His faithfulness to me in my life... He whispers through His word...
remember who I am , remember what I have done, remember all I have promised.
Remember I love you, I am there before you are...I have a purpose for all of this.
Nothing is wasted, friends.
So even though each day feels heavy, my God continues to amaze me with rest He gives, the love He shows and the joy He restores.
And each day I am made aware of how little I deserve the Grace He gives.
Yet, He refuses to stop giving.
So today, I will strive to keep my focus on the One who brings the good... the one who promises peace and rest... the One who is faithful to the ends of eternity and brings me Joy.
Life can be hard, but we are never meant to walk it alone, carrying all the weight ourselves.
So for the 12th time already today I will "hand it over" and try to get lost in His goodness.
Today I will strive to remember.


Julie : ) said...

Hi Friend. Hugs. As I read this I thought about "remember." You should sit down with your vase of rocks and go through them. I think they are meant for a time such as this. I love you.

Anonymous said...

A lurker who was touched by your message today. I will pray for you-for strength to get through and for faith to continue believing!

Rita said...

You write your thoughts so well. I am at a loss to help but I can pray and I will.

Stacey said...

Love you! Lifting you up in prayer my friend.

IndyAL said...

I continue to lift you and the Captain up in prayer.
Love you guys.

Anonymous said...

As many people read this and have a desire to help, just a reminder that a Trust has been set up to help with Cari and Andy's financial needs. Thank you to all who have contributed in the past and who continue to do so.....most of all, we know they covet your prayers.
The Andrew D Chastain Trust Committee

Andrew D Chastain Sole Benefit Trust
8063 Madison Ave, Box 352
Indianapolis, IN 46227

Lindsey said...

Praying for you guys right now... said...

Oh Cari...I feel your load as well. Maybe it's the time of year, with summer coming to a close. Maybe it's the rainy days. Maybe it's knowing winter is heading our way and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Maybe it's because God has blessed us with wonderful husbands and for some reason, has allowed them to face and deal with a cancer diagnosis, treatment and all the aftermath that follows and we don't like it. I find myself facing the same thoughts you have each day...several times a day. We know the enemy comes to seek, steal and destroy. Lets stand firm, together, in the Lord. HE has overcome the world...and we need to remind ourselves of that minute by minute at times. It's that "the bottom's going to drop out from under us at any minute" feeling that gets to me sometimes. We know...that we know...if (and that is a BIG, LITTLE word!) and when that should happen...our Father will be there to lift us up. Remember, he gives us grace for today...not enough to last us a year in advance. Praying for you...and with you.

Maryellen said...

You are such an amazing women of faith.
Your courage and determination is truly remarkable under such trying circumstances. You have more than blessed,encouraged,challenged and sometimes shamed me (when I complain about nonsense) I don't know why God has chosen you to walk the road your walking but I do know you are not wasting a moment and encouraging your sisters in Christ. Praying for you

Kate said...

You're in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Please read this book: And this: Prayers up for your family.