The past couple of weeks have been rough ones.
The Captain is not well.
Remember when he was in the hospital a few weeks back? Well when he tapered off the steroids from that stay his symptoms came back... we then when to his oncologist, who thought he was not on antibiotics long enough. So he went back on a steroid and antibiotic for two weeks. As soon as he was done with the medications his symptoms of fever, bad headaches, chills and body aches came back.
He's been in bed almost constantly for over a week.
Poor Captain. And there is nothing I can do.
We have an MRI scheduled for Tuesday at 2:45. They are checking for inflammation, tumor activity...anything. Inflammation could mean an infection, amongst other things.
After the MRI, depending on what they discover he will then get a lumbar puncture, a brain biopsy or both. It could be as little/good as the tumor dying off rapidly or as big/bad as an infection or tumor regrowth.
So we might have a very big week ahead.
And I'm starting to feel the stress.
(A scene from The Princess Bride keeps running through my head. When Fred Savages Grandpa tells him "She does not get eaten by the eels at this time." Fred: What? Grandpa: I'm explaining this to you because you look nervous. Fred: I'm not nervous. Well, maybe I was a bit... concerned but that's not the same thing.")
I would love to tell people "Oh, I'm not worried... God has everything under control. We will be fine! Just a little bump in the road."
And all that is TOTALLY TRUE!!!
But I'm not feeling it.
So I have to continually remind myself that all that is true... and repeat it over and over and over again to myself.
However, most of the time I'm being a mean, angry lady to my family because, really, I do not seem to be handling the past week well. I get caught up in all the whining, the tugging on me to do just what "they" (the boys) need the second they need it...because when you are 2 and 4 your life and your whims are URGENT!!! My House is a pit, and it is super hard to be here to check on Andy, but keep the boys busy and away from him while he rests.
Every time I start to feel overwhelmed. God has given me a break. He has brought calm when I have asked. He has brought to mind that my children, my life are gifts... blessing from Him and are to be cherished, not dealt with.
He has given me, in the midst of panic, worry and stress... peace, in the face of anger... calm, in the wake frustration perspective.
When I have been in need, God has always shown up.
He has been faithful.
I know this whole post sounds like me complaining...a lot. I'm just struggling a little in life at the moment. And I need to write this down so I can remember where I was. Because I know God is going to pick me up and bring me far from here. He is going to shine His Glory through this... and I want to be able to look back and see what a miraculous work he did.
So I need to highlight the lows... to make the highs reveal what they truly are...