Monday, August 5, 2013

an update

The past couple of weeks have been rough ones.
The Captain is not well.
Remember when he was in the hospital a few weeks back? Well when he tapered off the steroids from that stay his symptoms came back... we then when to his oncologist, who thought he was not on antibiotics long enough. So he went back on a steroid and antibiotic for two weeks. As soon as he was done with the medications his symptoms of fever, bad headaches, chills and body aches came back.
He's been in bed almost constantly for over a week.
Poor Captain. And there is nothing I can do.
We have an MRI scheduled for Tuesday at 2:45. They are checking for inflammation, tumor activity...anything. Inflammation could mean an infection, amongst other things.
After the MRI, depending on what they discover he will then get a lumbar puncture, a brain biopsy or both. It could be as little/good as the tumor dying off rapidly or as big/bad as an infection or tumor regrowth.
So we might have a very big week ahead.
And I'm starting to feel the stress.
(A scene from The Princess Bride keeps running through my head. When Fred Savages Grandpa tells him "She does not get eaten by the eels at this time." Fred: What? Grandpa: I'm explaining this to you because you look nervous. Fred: I'm not nervous. Well, maybe I was a bit... concerned but that's not the same thing.")
 I would love to tell people "Oh, I'm not worried... God has everything under control. We will be fine! Just a little bump in the road."
And all that is TOTALLY TRUE!!!
But I'm not feeling it.
So I have to continually remind myself that all that is true... and repeat it over and over and over again to myself.
However, most of the time I'm being a mean, angry lady to my family because, really, I do not seem to be handling the past week well. I get caught up in all the whining, the tugging on me to do just what "they" (the boys) need the second they need it...because when you are 2 and 4 your life and your whims are URGENT!!! My House is a pit, and it is super hard to be here to check on Andy, but keep the boys busy and away from him while he rests.
Every time I start to feel overwhelmed. God has given me a break. He has brought calm when I have asked. He has brought to mind that my children, my life are gifts... blessing from Him and are to be cherished, not dealt with.
He has given me, in the midst of panic, worry and stress... peace, in the face of anger... calm, in the wake frustration perspective.
When I have been in need, God has always shown up.
He has been faithful.
I know this whole post sounds like me complaining...a lot. I'm just struggling a little in life at the moment. And I need to write this down so I can remember where I was. Because I know God is going to pick me up and bring me far from here. He is going to shine His Glory through this... and I want to be able to look back and see what a miraculous work he did.
So I need to highlight the lows... to make the highs reveal what they truly are...
Gods miracle.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you, Andy and your boys are going through this. I can honestly say I know how you feel, my husband had cancer and I remember all to vividly these days. You can always be strong, you can't always hold it together. Some days you just let it fall apart and cry. I am praying for healing for Andy and for peace surrounding you and your family. I'm in Texas, but if I was closer I'd offer to watch the boys so you both could get some quiet time!

Prayers from Texas

Amy said...

I will continue to pray for all of you!

Bobbie said...

Thank you for sharing this and letting us walk on this journey with you. Know that you all are being prayed for exactly where you are and in what you're facing..

Bethany said...

Love, hugs and tons of prayers.

Anonymous said...

hope you know that you are in my prayers constantly. i would like to just hold you and tell you everything will be alright. praying that God's will be done. may his peace enfold you today-luv ya-di said...

The Lord led me back here today so I could pray...and I did just that! And I will continue!

Emily said...

I will be praying, Cari.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10 ESV)

Boyka said...

Praying for you , the bravest of girls... for dear Andy, for your wonderful family!!!Praying constantly!Love you all!
Boyka,Alexander, Garik

Kate said...

Praying for you all.

Penny said...

Prayers for Andy's healing and your family's miracle.