The Benefit

Sunday night, the 27th of January, we were shown an over-abundance of love and support in the form of a benefit dinner held in our honor.

When my friend Stacey told me about what was being planned (about a month ago) I was floored. Actually, I was a bit speechless... and if you know me, you realize how miraculous that really is.

 

After the Captain being out of work for so long last year we were fighting to make ends meet. To be honest, I'm not sure how we actually paid bills most months. Talk about a modern day miracle... the money just always came in time. However after this last surgery, and an unknown time off work, with no money coming in at all for months on end, I would be a liar if I told you I was not a bit worried.

When you are in a position like this it is not the easiest thing to share. There is a small fear of pity and judgement.

But God.

He took it upon Himself to provide through friends and family an amazing idea... and through the process He calmed my heart, gave me a peaceful humility to accept... and blessed the socks off of me and the Captain.

This Benefit has taken a load off of our backs... it has erased a nagging worry about our future. Andy and I are now able to focus a bit more on his health and recovery, and our family.

And that is truly a priceless gift.

I cannot say in any words used in the English language how amazing the dinner was. I want to... but everything I keep thinking of comes up short. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. Not in just an aesthetic sense, but we saw the heart of Christ through the love and generosity of His people.

I was, still am, awe struck.

Everywhere I looked I saw people I loved, people who love us, prayer warriors, friends, family... and it made me more than a bit giddy.

I kinda wanted to run around and spontaneously hug and kiss everyone who walked through the door...multiple times...

but for decorum's sake I restrained myself. 

(You're welcome Benefit Dinner guests, you're welcome.)

Of course there was a really schmancey dinner, but there was also an auction. Two, in fact. A silent auction and then a smaller live auction.

The silent auction was filled with all sorts of items. Ranging from a fiddle signed by Charlie Daniels to Coach sunglasses, a photography session, jewelry, signed photos of famous athletes... it was impressive.

The live auction was smaller, 5 items, and was by far the most I've laughed in awhile. Our friend Mark did an amazing job being the MC and Auctioneer. He is Hilarious and shinned in the role. He auctioned off 2 art prints, 2 handmade children's craft tables, a 207 lb hog, a behind the scenes TV experience, and a year's worth of Chic-Fila sandwiches. All to gales of laughter and amusement... mostly because his wife kept uping her bid for the prints!

Our former Pastor, and close friend Gary Walker was the Keynote Speaker. He has suffered the sorrow of losing a precious baby girl as well. So he was a perfect choice to share with others some of our story. He blessed me and touched my heart greatly as he used some of my own words from this blog in his speech to the crowd. He did and amazing job. Gary's words brought tears, but he brought encouragement and boldness as well. He shared the most important thing with all who were listening... the Gospel. 

We wanted, more than anything else that evening, for all to hear about Jesus. To know our life could impact another in the greatest of ways... salvation through Christ... would be the greatest joy.

That is why each moment of this life, no matter what the circumstance, is worth it... to point others to salvation.

Jesus.

And that was what the night really was about... or Who, I suppose... Jesus.

His love for His people.

His care for us.

His comfort and encouragement passed along to all who were there.

The Benefit dinner was a blessing to us. So much more than I can even put into words.

And what makes my heart really smile... I know it was a blessing to others as well.

Amazing!

.........................................................................................

The Andrew D Chastain Sole Benefit Trust was set up to be ongoing.

If you have questions, or want more information you can read more about it here.

5

Caden was born 5 years ago today.

It's so surreal to me that I "have" a 5 year old child, or at least had a child who would have been five.

I live daily in a world of young boys... younger than 5. So it is hard for my mind to understand...to wrap my understanding around a 5 year old girl.

I try very hard not to think on the what if's... the could have been's. It really is not a good thing for me... it is the start of a downward spiral into grief and sadness... and doubt.

So I do not think on those things.

It has no good that comes out of it.

So what Do I think of?

Her sweet smile.

How you could see it in her eyes long before it reached her pretty lips.

Her strong, high pitched squeal that sounded a bit like a tea kettle.

Her contentedness. How she would go to anyone, was happy just about anywhere, and never fussed much.

I remember the feeling of holding her, of kissing her, of loving a sweet, sweet baby girl.

I miss her so much my heart wants to burst with the longing.

It's crazy how much it still hurts, the loss of her.

It's horrible how the hurt will hit you like a wave out of nowhere.

It's amazing how God has healed my heart so that in the moments of hurt, of pain, of sorrow... I can still have a peace and a joy deep within my heart.

I miss her. 

So much.

 

But because of Christ, it was not goodbye.

 It was see you later.

So toda, on her Birthday, I rejoice in the anniversary of the day I became a mommy for the first time.

I rejoice because God gave me a precious baby girl to care and love.

I praise Him for the gift of a longing for Heaven.

 So tomorrow the boys and I will celebrate Caden's birthday with donuts in the mornig and cupcakes after supper. She is a part of our little family, and the day she came into our lives will always be celebrated.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.

Mommy and Daddy love you.

 

Rocks of remembrance

I have a good memory for some things... and a very bad memory for others. 

I can remember feelings, emotions and the overall feel of a certain time in my life much better than I can remember exact details.

Unless of course I was struck by something in the details... then I seem to have the memory emblazoned upon my brain.

It's kinda weird the way the mind works... what you remember... what you don't.

I know there are amazing, awesome things happening in my life. I see them daily in how my kids grow, I see them each week as God teaches me new truths about Himself and how I am to live... I see it in this new journey He has placed my family on. People being moved by Him to bless us.

And I don't want to forget... 

I want to be able to sit with my boys one day and tell them story upon story of how God provided, of how God worked... of proof that God is real.

I want to point to the fingerprints God has left on our life, on our family, and show them His sovereignty, His faithfulness... His lovingkindness to us.

As I was pondering this I was struck by the stories in the Bible of people who were impressed upon by God, who were guided, cared for and looked after.

How after a certain trial, dream, or event they build an alter to God.

I took this idea, of thankfulness... of remembrance, and adjusted it to fit our purpose.

So, what does one need to file away memories of God's provision and faithfulness?

Rocks, a sharpie and a glass jar.

oh, and of course a detailed list of what you want to remember and thank God for.

After some time spend with a notebook and some deep thinking, I had my list.

Double-checked by the Captain... added to, and checked again...

It was time for the rocks.

I wrote each memory, each gift, each provision that God had given specifically to us on the rocks. If they had a date, I wrote that date on the opposite side.If they just had a general timeline... I wrote the year, or the month and the year.

When I was done with my list... I remembered a few more...

It was so much fun to go back and see how much God has given and taken care of us.

It was also emboldening...strengthening, in a way. Seeing how God was faithful, even in things that seem minor, helps to give peace and perseverance. Seeing what He has done firms the foundation for knowing what He will do in the future... take care of our every need.

 

I added the rocks to a glass container and displayed it on our TV cabinet.

I hope to not only continue adding rocks as God continues to bless us, but I hope to take the rocks out from time to time and tell Rigg and Ryder how God has done great things for us; retelling the stories of our life.

 The stories that have God's fingerprints all over them.

Benefit Dinner!

Hey Internet Friends! This isn’t Cari. (Don't worry she'll be back!) It's a group of friends who care deeply for this precious family. And we know many of you readers care deeply for them as well. Thus we are stealing a blog post to let you in on a couple of opportunities to shower them with blessing.

 1. On January 27^th we are having a benefit dinner/silent auction for Andy and Cari at the University of Indianapolis. (Yes you read that right….in less than 2 weeks!!) The cost of the dinner is $25 a person. But seating is limited and filling up quickly so if you would like to attend the dinner we need you to rsvp RIGHT NOW! For info on the dinner check out our website at http://andyandcaribenefit.wordpress.com/. And remember seats are on a first come first serve basis so if we sell out you will be notified.  

2. If you would like to bless Andy and Cari with a financial gift but are unable to attend the dinner no worries! A trust has been set up at First Financial Bank to help with their financial needs. If you feel led to bless them in this way, contributions may be made in the name of the trust (Andrew D Chastain Sole Benefit Trust) and sent to the following address:
Andrew D Chastain Sole Benefit Trust
8063 Madison Avenue, Box 352
Indianapolis, IN 46227
Any questions you have may be addressed to Ken Hansen, Trustee.

Thank you to all who have already supported the Chastains through your prayers and encouragement in so many ways, we know you love them as much as we do!

Sincerely,
The Chastain Benefit Committee

He's a pretty big deal around here.

 Two year's ago today I gave birth to one of the world's orneriest children.

I love the kid... but he's a monster.

A monster that can give me a headache, make me want to scream, belly laugh and kiss him all at the same time... it's weird, but I totally get him.

Ryder is 2 today!

And in honor of the anniversary of his entrance into the world,

we had a birthday shindig.

And because for the past two weeks he has been wondering about the house yelling "Toodles, where are you?

We had a Mickey Mouse shindig.

Our bitty house was filled to the brim with family. 

We laughed, ate an amazing cake, and opened an assortment of Disney themed presents.

I cannot believe my youngest baby is two. In some ways it was a blurry blink... in others, it was a LOOOOOONG hard trudge.

Ryder is a curious mix of sheer delight and a hot mess.

 I love him so much it hurts a little.

These boys make all the hard just a little bit easier.

   Happy Birthday my sweet, sweet boy!!!

what I want

My biggest struggle with the Captain having brain cancer is the balancing.

Figuring out how to balance the knowledge of God's bigness, His goodness... His ability to save and heal with the truth that sometimes He chooses not to.

I know both of those things to be true. And it drives me crazy sometimes. Because I know that just because He can... doesn't mean He will.

And I want to be able to say God is going to heal Andy and know it is going to be true.

But all I know to be true is that my God is big enough, strong enough and powerful enough to heal Andy.

I can hope He will heal him... But I don't know.

 

And some days, that knowledge is hard to swallow.

 

Because, selfishly, I want more from God.

 

I want more.

 

I want Him not only to heal Andy... I want Him to show me some sign, some word that I can stand on so I never have doubts, fears, worries... I want God to give me what I want how I want it.

I want to know that my life is not going to hold anymore pain in my future.

Because that is what nags at my brain...

Is this going to hurt?

and I don't want to hurt like that again.

The thing is. I might have to... and when I get right down to it... I KNOW that if God chooses a path other than the one I want, He will be right there every step of the way... He will bring me through it, bring my boys through it... my family. He will Glorify His name the way He sees fit.

Some days I have to repeat this truth to myself over and over and over again.

He brought me through The Hard once... He can do it again.

And because I know that to be true... it calms my heart.

He is faithful.

He is faithful.

He is faithful.

And when I spend some time in thought, when I ponder the deep things, I know that all of life... even the very,very hard things, are worth it. Because I have the chance, no... the opportunity, to point to the ONE...Jesus... who brings comfort... who brings perfect peace... who brings true joy... who can change lives and bring life and who erases shame and guilt. I have the opportunity, through baring the weight of a life brought low, to prove to others these are not just words... they are truth, and I am leaning on these truths for support... for air... for life.

My circumstance, no matter how difficult, is worth every second if others can see Jesus. If others are drawn to Christ because they can see Hope in pain, Comfort in hardship, Joy in sorrow, Peace in torment.

My prayer is that this... this brain cancer, this unknown future that I face, this time in my life will be Glorifying to Him in the way He chooses. 

For His name's sake.

 

I want this to be about Christ.

 

And if that is true... if this is about Jesus... then it is most certainly not about me.

 

And if this is not about me...than I have nothing to fear... and nothing more to want.

 

 

For YOUR name's sake Lord.

 

Lord, come quickly.

Let's pretend

I'm going to make this quick... because, quite frankly, I'm tired.

Both of my boys are sick with a fever. Last night was not restful. Today was not peaceful.

But we did do some cool puzzles and had a stellar Nerf gun fight.

I won.

The Captain is in Bloomington.  He started his chemo and radiation on Wednesday.

I was there for his first treatment and stayed the night with him that first night.

Can I just tell you, the Proton Therapy Center is amazing.

Jill's House, where he is staying is amazing.

So much so, that you kinda forget why you are there.

Kinda.

I want to tell you all about our delightful Christmas.

I want to share TONS of Insta's and other pics with you.

I want to tell you stories.

Share insights.

Vent.

Proclaim God's unfailing goodness and faithfulness.

Thank you for all you are doing, prayers, meals, gifts, time...

But more than that I want to sit and let my mind rest... and my body rest...

So, let's pretend this was a real post, with real information...

and you can go ahead and pretend that I blew your mind with how awesome God is and how I learned these wonderful and incredible things...

Let's pretend this was a really good post, not just some lame filler to make lazy self feel better... and to prove I still exist.

My life has been ultra busy... but also ultra amazing these past couple of weeks.

Please keep us in your prayers. We are resting in Christ's will for the Captain. We are choosing to trust His choice for us. We are hoping and asking for complete healing for Andy.

And tonight, I'm also praying for broken fevers and sweet, sweet sleep.

A girl's gotta be rested for her 31st birthday and all... (it's Sunday... FYI... I DO love my birthday!)

This Christmas

All week long I have been singing, and re-singing, and belting... and whispering and thinking about one particular Christmas carol. (to the utter annoyance of Rigg... "STOP SINGING, MOMMY!!!!")

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

Probably because I really want Jesus to come back... like yesterday.

and because of this desperate desire the words of this hymn-like carol struck me anew this year.

O come o come Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appears

Rejoice rejoice

Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel

Oh come thou day-spring come and cheer

Our spirits by thine advent here

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night

And death's dark shadows put to flight

Rejoice rejoice

Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel

Oh come desire of nations bind

In one the hearts of all mankind

Bid thou our sad divisions cease

And be thyself our King of Peace

 

O come o come Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice rejoice

Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel

Such truth and hope for those of us longing and waiting for His return.

I love how the song is begging for Christ to come, to come and bring cheer to our mournful spirits, to disperse the clouds and defeat the pain and sadness of death once and for all, to bring peace.

 I love the hope... the encouragement to rejoice, even now, because Christ will come.

Emmanuel, God with us, shall come to thee.

It's a promise, folks.

Are you waiting?

Are you ready?

Merry Christmas.

May the HOPE of Heaven fill you with Joy and Peace this Christmas.

Splitin' atoms and killin' cancer

The Captain is starting treatment on January 2nd 2013.

He will be getting 30 sessions of radiation at the Proton Therapy Center in Bloomington IN.

That will be 5 days a week for 6 weeks. All the while taking his chemo like a good cancer patient.

The Proton Therapy Center is kinda awesome.

Futuristic sci-fi kinda awesome.

Here is a bit about what they do... or how they do it...

Crazy, right?

The Captain and I took a trip down to Bloomington last week. We met the Dr., toured the facility, the Captain got a CT and some molds and a mask made... you know normal stuff.

Andy LOVES IU (Indiana University) Basketball

LOVES

Last week he received a wonderful gift from IU head Basket ball coach Tom Crean.

"To Andy, Keep fighting with a Hoosier Spirit. Tom Crean"

Needless to say, Andy LOVED it.

He's also super excited because he is staying just across the street from the IU's basketball stadium.

Brain Cancer or no... his love for IU basketball wins out.

The Proton Therapy Center was incredible. The people were so kind and caring. It just helped confirm the decision we made to go here.  While in the lobby waiting to be called back I scanned the room. A young dad sat watching a TV screen holding a small pink winter coat. proton Therapy is used 100% across the board in children. My heart hurt at the sight of the tiny coat. Knowing the pain and uncertainty that these parents were experiencing made me want to scream. Before I really had time to process it all, a tall man came out into the waiting area wearing what seemed to be a new hat, except that it was signed all over in varying colors of ink. He was leaving... had just had his last treatment and all the Dr.'s, nurses, and staff had signed his hat. He was receiving many hugs and well wishes not only from the staff, but from other waiting in the waiting area as well. It would seem this is not only a place of uncertainty... but one of hope and new-found friendships.

It was a good experience to have... seeing both the before and after... felling the heaviness of the present and the freedom of a hopeful future.

This is our prayer for Andy, freedom from cancer and a future... a long, long future.

They made a mold of Andy's back and neck. This ensures that every time the Captain lays down for a treatment his body is in the exact same position.

They then proceeded to make a mask for his face. (to fulfill the same purpose... keeping him in the same position for each treatment) A hard plastic web is put into a HOT water bath until it softens and becomes transparent.  It is then stretched and layed over the patients face. The technician helps to conform the plastic to the contours of the patients face while it drys... which is incredibly fast, like 3ish minutes!

They then connect the mask to the back/neck mold so your body is in alignment.

When it dries... you look creepy.

This is a pic of the monitor while they were doing Andy's scan. It was really neat to watch.

I have no idea what they were checking  for... but when it was over and reviewed by the doc he declared it beautiful.

So there you go...

a beautiful scan.

The architecture of the treatment rooms is amazing. This is where the Captain will be each day of his 30 sessions... getting protons shot into his brain at 2/3 the speed of light....INSANE!!!!

Then we went out to a late lunch and had Steak 'N Shake.

and I was delightfully miserable all the way home because of how I stuffed my face.

Thanks again for all the prayers, comments, cards and gifts.

We are literally moved to tears by the outpouring of love and generosity from God's people.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

conversations with the Captain

The Captain and I have had many nights to talk about this new road set before us.

It has been encouraging and, in a sense, peaceful to hash out our feelings and thoughts about what we are currently going through. It also is useful in a pep-talk kinda way as we remind each other of truth and how we are, as believers, to act and chose how to respond.

We have been real, blunt, staring all the what-if's and could-be's in the face. We are not naive. We know that just because we pray and ask for what we want does not mean it is what is best for us... or what God wants. Sometimes what God wants... what He wills... what is best for us...

hurts like crazy.

But we want what He wants.

No matter what.

The other night when we were out running errands and spending some time sans Rigg and Ryder, we had a turning point conversation.

At least it was a bit of a turning point for me. I keep coming back to it again and again in my head. It has been an excellent reminder of how I am to think... my perspective in all of this.

Andy said "More than anything else I am just sad. I'm not mad, or worried, or scared, (well, I am a little bit) I'm just sad on what I might miss out on."

I thought about that for a moment. And I had a bit of fear and worry in me at that moment.

And some sadness.

Right then, I was blessedly reminded of what I know to be true.

We are told to not be afraid.

John 14:27

 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

We are told not to worry.

Matthew 6:34

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

So I shared these thoughts with the Captain. And we decided that we had to chose to not be afraid and not worry because that is what is asked of us. We need to choose to obey the truth.

And it is OK to be sad. But in all honesty... we have nothing to be sad about at the moment.

(I think my exact words here were "Look, you are sittin' up suckin' air and doin' great. So we are nowhere near sad right now.) Compassionate, I know. 

It's a gift.

So even though sadness is a possibility in our future... it really doesn't have a part of our life right now.

So I concluded, after my heartfelt comment above, that we really have no problems.

To which the Captain and I had a nice long belly laugh.

On another glorious occasion, when Andy and I were enjoying a date night, we chatted a bit more about how we were feeling. He responded that he was doing great. I responded by being somewhere in the  middle of great and hiding in a hole never to come out and face the day...

And even though it is still a struggle to choose to stand firmly upon the truth as opposed to how I feel, even in those moments I have a peace.

Because God has blessed me with a trial before. 

God has proven Himself faithful in my hardest time.

He has provided a Joy in the loss of Caden.

Because I know I can trust Him no matter what... because He has proven Himself in the loss of my daughter I have a Joy and peace in knowing that no matter what the future holds, good, bad, hard, sorrowful, I will be fine.

He will bring me through. And that knowledge is joyful.

I have a Hope that outshines anything that may come.

Psalm 31:24

 Be strong and take heart,
    all you who hope in the Lord.