The Captain and I have had many nights to talk about this new road set before us.
It has been encouraging and, in a sense, peaceful to hash out our feelings and thoughts about what we are currently going through. It also is useful in a pep-talk kinda way as we remind each other of truth and how we are, as believers, to act and chose how to respond.
We have been real, blunt, staring all the what-if's and could-be's in the face. We are not naive. We know that just because we pray and ask for what we want does not mean it is what is best for us... or what God wants. Sometimes what God wants... what He wills... what is best for us...
hurts like crazy.
But we want what He wants.
No matter what.
The other night when we were out running errands and spending some time sans Rigg and Ryder, we had a turning point conversation.
At least it was a bit of a turning point for me. I keep coming back to it again and again in my head. It has been an excellent reminder of how I am to think... my perspective in all of this.
Andy said "More than anything else I am just sad. I'm not mad, or worried, or scared, (well, I am a little bit) I'm just sad on what I might miss out on."
I thought about that for a moment. And I had a bit of fear and worry in me at that moment.
And some sadness.
Right then, I was blessedly reminded of what I know to be true.
We are told to not be afraid.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
We are told not to worry.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
So I shared these thoughts with the Captain. And we decided that we had to chose to not be afraid and not worry because that is what is asked of us. We need to choose to obey the truth.
And it is OK to be sad. But in all honesty... we have nothing to be sad about at the moment.
(I think my exact words here were "Look, you are sittin' up suckin' air and doin' great. So we are nowhere near sad right now.) Compassionate, I know.
It's a gift.
So even though sadness is a possibility in our future... it really doesn't have a part of our life right now.
So I concluded, after my heartfelt comment above, that we really have no problems.
To which the Captain and I had a nice long belly laugh.
On another glorious occasion, when Andy and I were enjoying a date night, we chatted a bit more about how we were feeling. He responded that he was doing great. I responded by being somewhere in the middle of great and hiding in a hole never to come out and face the day...
And even though it is still a struggle to choose to stand firmly upon the truth as opposed to how I feel, even in those moments I have a peace.
Because God has blessed me with a trial before.
God has proven Himself faithful in my hardest time.
He has provided a Joy in the loss of Caden.
Because I know I can trust Him no matter what... because He has proven Himself in the loss of my daughter I have a Joy and peace in knowing that no matter what the future holds, good, bad, hard, sorrowful, I will be fine.
He will bring me through. And that knowledge is joyful.
I have a Hope that outshines anything that may come.
Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.
all you who hope in the Lord.