I kinda hate that we are here.
Brain surgery... again.
Only this time... it seems heavier... weightier.
We still do not know exactly what we are looking at. We do know that the tumor was cancerous and that the surgeon had to leave some in Andy's brain for fear of doing damage.
Cancer in your brain is never good.
We should know more on Wednesday morning. Andy has an oncology appointment scheduled at 9:15. When we leave this appointment we should know more about what we are dealing with... treatment options, a plan of attack... probabilities... outcomes...
I'm all over the place emotionally.
There are times when I think... bring it... we can do this.
~7.3 seconds later~
I'm overwhelmed and a blubbering mess thinking of the worst case scenarios... scenario.
God is faithful. He knows right where I am, He knows what my heart is struggling with... He knows and understands my pain and sadness.
I've had some super serious convo's with God the past few days.
Asking, begging, pleading, for a miracle...
always coming back to one conclusion.
In my heart of hearts... I want what God wants.
Whatever He wants.
Whatever that may look like.
And here's the kicker... I know NO MATTER WHAT, I'll be OK.
But God has been faithful to me. He has proven Himself over and over again. So much so that I KNOW without a doubt that no matter what God chooses to do, He will be right there with me through it all... He will comfort and care for me... He will strengthen me and encourage me... He will give me peace and bring me joy...
He will pick me up and restore my soul.
No matter what.
I do not want my husband to face brain cancer... I do not want Andy to go through treatment that will make him sick and tired. I do not want to struggle with all the details that comes with this trial... I do not want to lose my husband...
But I DO want what God wants...
So I have to bow to His decision... His will... His plan.
and be OK with it.
Whatever He wants.
I am still praying... begging and pleading for a miracle. For God to show us His great power and might.
I want God to glorify Himself in this situation.
And I tell Him this... over and over and over.
I tell Him I will be grateful for what I am given... and I will praise You for who You are...
and I will be OK... because I know You and who You are...
But we could really use a win.
Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.