I kinda hate that we are here.
Brain surgery... again.
Only this time... it seems heavier... weightier.
We still do not know exactly what we are looking at. We do know that the tumor was cancerous and that the surgeon had to leave some in Andy's brain for fear of doing damage.
Cancer in your brain is never good.
We should know more on Wednesday morning. Andy has an oncology appointment scheduled at 9:15. When we leave this appointment we should know more about what we are dealing with... treatment options, a plan of attack... probabilities... outcomes...
I'm all over the place emotionally.
There are times when I think... bring it... we can do this.
~7.3 seconds later~
I'm overwhelmed and a blubbering mess thinking of the worst case scenarios... scenario.
BUT
God is faithful. He knows right where I am, He knows what my heart is struggling with... He knows and understands my pain and sadness.
I've had some super serious convo's with God the past few days.
Asking, begging, pleading, for a miracle...
always coming back to one conclusion.
In my heart of hearts... I want what God wants.
Whatever He wants.
Whatever that may look like.
And here's the kicker... I know NO MATTER WHAT, I'll be OK.
Crazy, right?!?!?!
But God has been faithful to me. He has proven Himself over and over again. So much so that I KNOW without a doubt that no matter what God chooses to do, He will be right there with me through it all... He will comfort and care for me... He will strengthen me and encourage me... He will give me peace and bring me joy...
He will pick me up and restore my soul.
No matter what.
I do not want my husband to face brain cancer... I do not want Andy to go through treatment that will make him sick and tired. I do not want to struggle with all the details that comes with this trial... I do not want to lose my husband...
But I DO want what God wants...
So I have to bow to His decision... His will... His plan.
and be OK with it.
Whatever He wants.
I am still praying... begging and pleading for a miracle. For God to show us His great power and might.
I want God to glorify Himself in this situation.
And I tell Him this... over and over and over.
I tell Him I will be grateful for what I am given... and I will praise You for who You are...
and I will be OK... because I know You and who You are...
But we could really use a win.
Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
Pslam 31:24
13 comments:
you are amazing!! what a perspective you have...truly inspiring. i can learn a lot from this post. thank you for still somehow managing to help others even through your worst of days. still praying several times a day for your sweet family...and your big sweetheart andy. still praying for your miracle.
:) linda
Cari - honestly I must say, you are helping me shape my mind and attitude and in a sense coaching me through how I am to view this. Thanks for being such a good example to me. I marvel at the miracle I see God doing in your heart, and I am on my knees pleading for a miracle for Andy's health as well.
Hi Cari,
Not sure if you remember me - Julie's friend Christina... I'm in her small group, we met a couple years ago when you came to visit - small group was in my apartment! Anyway I wanted to let you know that our family is praying fervently for yours. We have time every morning before our days start where we stop and pray for you and Andy and the kiddos.
Tonight I was listening to a John Piper sermon and he ended it by quoting Elisabeth Elliott in a speech written for a friend who tragically lost a loved one and I thought of you guys... I think it's encouraging, I hope it encourages you. I'll include a link to the message too incase you want to give it a listen in the plethora of time I'm sure you have.... ;)
Here's the quote:
"You wonder what God is doing, and of course, we know that God never makes mistakes. He knows exactly what He is doing, and suffering is never for nothing. . . . He has given to you, Jim [the person for whom she wrote the poem], the cup of suffering, and you can share that with the Lord Jesus who said, "The cup the Father has given to me, I have received."
{She ended with a poem by Martha Snell Nicholson (a "mendicant" is a beggar)}:
I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, "But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me."
He said, "My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee."
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face."
The last 2 lines brought me to tears, and I hope it encourages you in your prayers, especially for Christ to come back. I'm praying for your unsaved friend too - I hope your testimony brings her to know Him.
Much Love to you :)
And here's the link to the sermon.... :)
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/to-be-a-mother-is-a-call-to-suffer
Your faithfulness is so inspiring! I know that you are making your Maker so proud :)
As I was reading scripture this morning I came to II Corinthians 12:9.........praying this verse for you as you take hold of God's Grace for the steps through today, moment by moment......and praising him that you are displaying his perfected power as you do so. To God be the glory...love you both. Gma b
Cari and Andy,
I am a friend of Julie's from Rochester and met you once when you were here a few years back, bt don't think I have met ANdy personally. Although knowing Julie, makes me feel like I know the two of you so well :)
I have been following your blog through this challenging time. We want you to know you are covered in prayer here and on our hearts and minds often. Reading your blog and hearing how Andy and you are doing helps me know how to pray more specifically for you.
Kim Rutkowski
p.s. found this verse recently and was meaningful to me and wanted to share...Psalm 40: 1-5
Psalm 40[a]For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.[b]
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
what a blessing, Cari, that you are able to post about your circumstances and your feelings, to know the comfort of support from those around you. Thank you for writing, and for giving others hope from the fount of life. Laura V
Cari,
I love how you are leaning on God! I know it's not easy, but isn't it amazing what peace God gives even in the midst of this storm. We are continuing to lift you & Andy, all your family & the doctors up in prayer!
-Lea
Cari,Cari...You are one in a million!!!So strong and brave and inspiring! We are supposed to give you strength and inspiration! But you are the one who inspire us and give us unconditional faith...
I am standing in admiration before you!!!
With all my love!
Cari,
I can't pretend to know what you're going through but I can absolutely appreciate your thoughts on the future. My hub is in Afghanistan and while it's nothing compared to what you're facing, I get that you can know that you'll just be okay. No matter what happens. I think it's a beautiful thing when we can just close our eyes and believe that. I'm not religious, but I still have the same thoughts - God or the universe or whatever is at work. And you'll be comforted no matter how this journey goes.
I'm thinking positive thoughts for you and your beautiful family. Sending many prayers as well. Hoping for a miracle.
- Nicole
Prayers are coming from the San Francisco Bay Area. I have followed your blog for some time, I am constantly inspired by your faith. What a lesson you bring to me. Love and prayers for Andy, the boys, and you.
Cari,
I love that God has given you the gift of articulating the craziness.
In this Christmas season a verse from o come, o come Emmanuel seems to be a perfect prayer for you all. (I know Andy doesn't like to start celebrating too early and I realize it isn't Pearl Harbor day yet and therefore you haven't even put up your tree - but still...)
"Oh, come, our Dayspring from on high,
And cheer us by your drawing nigh,
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!"
Love you both - Mindy
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