Thursday, January 24, 2013


Caden was born 5 years ago today.

It's so surreal to me that I "have" a 5 year old child, or at least had a child who would have been five.

I live daily in a world of young boys... younger than 5. So it is hard for my mind to wrap my understanding around a 5 year old girl.

I try very hard not to think on the what if's... the could have been's. It really is not a good thing for me... it is the start of a downward spiral into grief and sadness... and doubt.

So I do not think on those things.
It has no good that comes out of it.

So what Do I think of?

Her sweet smile.
How you could see it in her eyes long before it reached her pretty lips.

Her strong, high pitched squeal that sounded a bit like a tea kettle.

Her contentedness. How she would go to anyone, was happy just about anywhere, and never fussed much.

I remember the feeling of holding her, of kissing her, of loving a sweet, sweet baby girl.

I miss her so much my heart wants to burst with the longing.
It's crazy how much it still hurts, the loss of her.
It's horrible how the hurt will hit you like a wave out of nowhere.

It's amazing how God has healed my heart so that in the moments of hurt, of pain, of sorrow... I can still have a peace and a joy deep within my heart.

I miss her. 
So much.
But because of Christ, it was not goodbye.
 It was see you later.

So toda, on her Birthday, I rejoice in the anniversary of the day I became a mommy for the first time.
I rejoice because God gave me a precious baby girl to care and love.
I praise Him for the gift of a longing for Heaven.

 So tomorrow the boys and I will celebrate Caden's birthday with donuts in the mornig and cupcakes after supper. She is a part of our little family, and the day she came into our lives will always be celebrated.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.

Mommy and Daddy love you.


Anonymous said...

I woke up thinking of your precious sweetheart's birthday as well, thank you for posting the pictures, the last one has always been my favorite! I pray that no one reading this blog will miss out on meeting her, faith in Christ is the only way to spend eternity in the presence of the Lord.....exactly where she is this moment. Love you all, enjoy those donuts and cupcakes!!! Closing my eyes and listening to the sweet sound of a tea kettle squeal! Gma b

Diana said...

Beautiful post! Happy birthday Caden. I am just a stranger to you and your family reading your blog and feeling like I am a part of it. I love your writing. Your honesty and your faith! Thank you for sharing with us!

Suzanne Howell said...

What a beautiful baby girl! Praying for you as celebrate and remember her birthday. You truly are an example of God's grace Cari. You challenge and inspire me to trust Him more.

Anonymous said...

Cari, I began the day praying for you and Andy. Praying Is 42 that God would make the rough places level ground and bring light out of the darkness. May He give you peace that surpasses all understanding and guard your heart and mind. -Kandice Redman

Penny said...

Caden is definitely worth celebrating. So is the day you and Andy became parents. Your faith is inspiring. Prayers for comfort~ and healing for Andy.

Boyka said...

Prayers for comfort of your soul,prayers for healing for Andy!!!

The Buchanan Family said...

prayers, today and always.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing and strong women, and the faith you have is beautiful. Your writings are great and keep me grounded. Prayers to you and yours.

Lindsay said...

You were in my thoughts and prayers all day yesterday. I'm just now sitting down and reading this, and tears just flood my eyes. Caden is absolutely beautiful...and to think of her and her present heavenly beauty! Wow...just amazing. What a gift she will always be to you and your family....and everyone else who knew her or knew of her. I do believe Caden and Ayden have found each other there and that they are good, good friends. Love you, friend, and your sweet family. Holding you close, always.

Elena said...

It is so hard, but you are so courageous........when you pray, you are with your sweet girl...