5

Caden was born 5 years ago today.

It's so surreal to me that I "have" a 5 year old child, or at least had a child who would have been five.

I live daily in a world of young boys... younger than 5. So it is hard for my mind to understand...to wrap my understanding around a 5 year old girl.

I try very hard not to think on the what if's... the could have been's. It really is not a good thing for me... it is the start of a downward spiral into grief and sadness... and doubt.

So I do not think on those things.

It has no good that comes out of it.

So what Do I think of?

Her sweet smile.

How you could see it in her eyes long before it reached her pretty lips.

Her strong, high pitched squeal that sounded a bit like a tea kettle.

Her contentedness. How she would go to anyone, was happy just about anywhere, and never fussed much.

I remember the feeling of holding her, of kissing her, of loving a sweet, sweet baby girl.

I miss her so much my heart wants to burst with the longing.

It's crazy how much it still hurts, the loss of her.

It's horrible how the hurt will hit you like a wave out of nowhere.

It's amazing how God has healed my heart so that in the moments of hurt, of pain, of sorrow... I can still have a peace and a joy deep within my heart.

I miss her. 

So much.

 

But because of Christ, it was not goodbye.

 It was see you later.

So toda, on her Birthday, I rejoice in the anniversary of the day I became a mommy for the first time.

I rejoice because God gave me a precious baby girl to care and love.

I praise Him for the gift of a longing for Heaven.

 So tomorrow the boys and I will celebrate Caden's birthday with donuts in the mornig and cupcakes after supper. She is a part of our little family, and the day she came into our lives will always be celebrated.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.

Mommy and Daddy love you.