Wednesday, January 9, 2013

what I want

My biggest struggle with the Captain having brain cancer is the balancing.

Figuring out how to balance the knowledge of God's bigness, His goodness... His ability to save and heal with the truth that sometimes He chooses not to.

I know both of those things to be true. And it drives me crazy sometimes. Because I know that just because He can... doesn't mean He will.

And I want to be able to say God is going to heal Andy and know it is going to be true.

But all I know to be true is that my God is big enough, strong enough and powerful enough to heal Andy.
I can hope He will heal him... But I don't know.
And some days, that knowledge is hard to swallow.
Because, selfishly, I want more from God.
I want more.
I want Him not only to heal Andy... I want Him to show me some sign, some word that I can stand on so I never have doubts, fears, worries... I want God to give me what I want how I want it.
I want to know that my life is not going to hold anymore pain in my future.

Because that is what nags at my brain...

Is this going to hurt?
and I don't want to hurt like that again.

The thing is. I might have to... and when I get right down to it... I KNOW that if God chooses a path other than the one I want, He will be right there every step of the way... He will bring me through it, bring my boys through it... my family. He will Glorify His name the way He sees fit.

Some days I have to repeat this truth to myself over and over and over again.
He brought me through The Hard once... He can do it again.
And because I know that to be true... it calms my heart.

He is faithful.

He is faithful.

He is faithful.

And when I spend some time in thought, when I ponder the deep things, I know that all of life... even the very,very hard things, are worth it. Because I have the chance, no... the opportunity, to point to the ONE...Jesus... who brings comfort... who brings perfect peace... who brings true joy... who can change lives and bring life and who erases shame and guilt. I have the opportunity, through baring the weight of a life brought low, to prove to others these are not just words... they are truth, and I am leaning on these truths for support... for air... for life.

My circumstance, no matter how difficult, is worth every second if others can see Jesus. If others are drawn to Christ because they can see Hope in pain, Comfort in hardship, Joy in sorrow, Peace in torment.
My prayer is that this... this brain cancer, this unknown future that I face, this time in my life will be Glorifying to Him in the way He chooses. 

For His name's sake.
I want this to be about Christ.
And if that is true... if this is about Jesus... then it is most certainly not about me.
And if this is not about me...than I have nothing to fear... and nothing more to want.
For YOUR name's sake Lord.
Lord, come quickly.


Lindsey said...

So beautifully written. What a challenge, encouragement, and wonderful reminder this was to me. Praying with you. As you wrote, He is faithful!

Jennifer said...

Praying for you, your Husband and family!

Ashley said...

Your faith is inspiring. I don't always comment, but I pray for your family daily. God Bless!

Melissa said...

Beautiful and so true. My mother in law's husband passes away from liver cancer last February, I'm going to print out this post for her. She is having a hard time and I think this post, your words and reminder of Gods faithfulness will be what she needs to read. Praying for you guys.

Christina said...

((HUGS)) to you Cari. I think of you often. While reading this post I was reminded of one of the verses of Amazing Grace. It really comforts me during times of trial.

"The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures."

Rebecca said...

That was good Cari. Thanks for sharing your heart. :)

Anonymous said...

You are amazing and trust me when I say, you are Glorifying God. Thank you! Tonight the challenges I face seem less daunting knowing ithat He is faithful!

Stephen & Elizabeth said...

Cari, thank you for sharing! We are ALL praying for you and your family! That means prayer coverage in 5 states I know of. We are praying for a miracle healing of Andy, strength/encouragement/& extra hugs for you and the boys as you support Andy. You are all precious to God & to us!

Anonymous said...

He is faithful......