Deleted post?

It seems one of my posts has been deleted...

I'm not sure how that happened... it was the one with all the pictures.

Sigh...and all your lovely comments.

I will try to get another one... with all the pictures back up again tomorrow.

Tonight I am too tired.

Andy is doing SO well.

I am amazed at what God has done.

Please kep praying... we are just at the begining/

until tomorrow...

After surgery

Today has been a crazy mix of emotions. 

Andy made it through surgery. He is all doped up and feelin swell. I am a bit giddy about how much better and alert he is this time around. He might be slightly irked by my giddiness. 

As well as he is doing there is still some hesitation to all out joy mode. 

The surgeon had to leave some tumor cells behind, just like he said he would have to do. the tumor looks to be cancerous. We should get pathology results back in a week. 

The surgeon said the prognosis is not good.

The sentence put a heavy weight upon our hearts. The mood in the room was one of grief and sadness. Some confusion and pain. 

So we all hugged and cried for awhile. 

Then we sat together and prayed 

For Christ to come back soon.

For God to work His miracle. 

For strength and endurance.

For joy and peace. 

For full and total recovery

For hearts that want God's will above our own. 

Praised Him for His goodness

Praised Him for His faithfulness. 

Praised Him for His sovereignty. 

We still have a long road in front of us. 

We still have plenty of time for God to work a miracle. 

Thank you so much for all the prayers and love you have sent our way. 

Please continue to pray for Andy. We covet your prayers. 

Now is the time to call upon our very able and mighty savior to do a great miracle in the Captain's life     

Lord, come quickly 

please leave comments for Andy to see when he wakes up tomorrow!

The Captain's tumor

Part of me cannot even believe I am typing this...

Part of me wants to scream and yell and put my fingers in my ears while humming and singing "I'm not listening!"

Another part of me is praying... pleading... quite possibly begging God to miricle this away.

We found out earlier today the Captain's tumor is back.

Andy hasn't been feeling well for awhile. He's been here...but not here. Finally today he looked at me and said I needed to take him to the ER, something wasn't right.

SO we went to the ER. Had a CT scan... which showed a mass. A MRI confirmed that his tumor along with a large cyst are growing in his left frontal lobe, causing major headachs and other unfun stuff.

Surgery is scheduled for Monday afternoon at 2pm (ish)

Prayers greatfully (joyously and jealously) accepted.

I want to be bright and sunny and positive... but I am not feelin' it right now. The tumor looks to be cancerous and the surgeon has to leave some behind. To try to get it all would leave lasting injury to Andy and his brain.

Cancer left in the brain is never good.

But GOD IS!

God is good. And I know God loves both the Captain and me very much.

2 things keep coming to mind today...

John 9:3b "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

and

In Daniel 3 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego  were going to be tossed into the fiery furnace and they said that they knew God would save them... but even if He didn't that they would still do what was right.

I want God's glory to be displayed... and I want to do what is right even if God doesn't do a miracle.

I want to have a heart that accepts WHATEVER He wants for me.

So I am praying:

1. that Jesus comes back... very soon.

2. that God would preform a miracle in this circumstance. That He would cure Andy before, during or after the surgery.... whatever that might look like.

3. that He gives me a heart that desires His will above my own.

4. for the Captain... his comfort, peace and health.

5. for my boys...

Please pray with us.

I am so thankful for those who love us from near and afar.

We love you, too.

PRAY!

Lord, come quickly...

A plethera of Insta's

I have been lax in providing you with proper Insta-Fridays.

 In fact, I have noticed the absence of Rigg and Ryder pics the last few months has been shameful.

So, eager inter-webby blog stalkers,  this post shall be a feast for your eyes.

Or make your retinas bleed by the sheer number of pics I am about to post.

Either way... I am about to bring it... Insta-style.

What follows is a huge array of pics over the past few months. It should give you a sampling of what we have been up to.

 I will make commentary brief so you can get to the bottom of the post much faster.

You're welcome.

The boys are playing together more and more. Sometimes I hear sweet giggles coming from another room... sometimes it is more like this...

Some days are just hard.

Others are much better.

Ryder still falls asleep in the weirdest places. It's so cute and kinda amazing.

This kid is a CONSTANT mess. I cannot for the life of me keep him clean.

forever messy.

Both of my boys are in love with bubbles.

We even blow them in the house on occasion.

Rigg's smile might be one of the best things ever.

Rigg loves puzzles. Dude is getting good at them too.

35 piece floor puzzle... watch out! You're no match for Rigg!

forever messy

togetherness might be fun... and it is almost always dangerous.



My parents yard was a blanket of leaves a few weeks ago.

We made a pile for the kids to jump and play in.

It might have been a tad large.

We celebrated the Captain's birthday a couple weeks ago.

We didn't do much, but we did deck the halls with construction paper.

It was like a kindergarten art project threw up all over...

IT WAS AWESOME.

It was just a small way to show the Captain how much we love him.

(yeah, it's hung up with painter's tape... we're classy like that.)

Just ridin' the giraffes on the carousel.

Sharing a chair, some goldfish, and a movie...

Enjoying daddy

"Mamma, look, we're hiding!"

 

Bubble blowing with Pops.

Ryder likes to rub noses.

I like to too...

forever messy... branching out...

Sometimes getting them in the same frame is a victory.

"CHEESE!"



And there you have it folks. Are your eyeballs all dried out?

Now you are all caught up... and you have seen enough pics of the boys to last your for DAYZZZZZ.

Happy Wednesday!

a change of heart

I'd love to tell you that I have been silent because my life has been full to the brim with excitement and fun, so much so that I have not had a smidgen of time to sit and write about all the gloriousness that is filling my days.

but I can't... unless you count cleaning coffee off your ceiling exciting...

long story.

(my days are not bad... in fact they are mostly good... some great even, some terrible...you know, just normal life with young children.)

I have wanted to sit and write a post catching y'all up on what's going on here... but as my days slip by, and more days slip by, and they start piling up it seems so daunting. You know that feeling when you really need to clean out a horribly messy and over-stuffed closet... it just gets fuller and messier and silently screams at you every time you walk by it. So one day you open it all prepared to get down to the task, and then you see how much there is to do and you get overwhelmed and you quietly close the door go get a bag of chips, sit on the couch and watch reruns of some lame show instead?

That's how I feel.

This is why I am chubby.  :)

I used to love writing a blog post because it was a way for me to clear my head of all that God was doing and teaching me. I would relish the quiet times I could sit and think through what I was learning, write it down  and really reflect on it.

Then I had Ryder and all my quiet time flew out the window.

2 kids really puts a damper on all things peaceful and reflective.

However I feel I have needed to do this lately because I know God has done, and is continuing to do some amazing things in my heart and in my life.

So today I am determined to take the time and sit here during the brief quiet that is nap time and try to put into words what I have been learning and feeling over the past few months.

I have struggled most of my teenage and adult life with the sin of covetousness and materialism. (such a childish thing I know) Not to a degree that I am a shopaholic or have put our small family in monstrous debt, but my heart was always eaten up by the "I wants". I would see what someone else had and desire it for myself... I would see something in a store and think about it for days... weeks even.

I like me some pretty things.

But I don't like pretty things in a healthy, sinless way.

Over the past year I would recognise this more and more about myself... and the more I saw it within my heart the more I would dislike it.

I eventually started praying that God would change my heart. I was saddened that my reaction to loving something adorable would cause me to be so discontent with what I already had. In essence turning to God and saying "I think you could be doing better here... see that?... me wanty."

How arrogant.

How prideful

How ugly.

So I began praying that my heart would be one of thanks and gratitude. I wanted to invite people over to my tiny house and not fret about what I lacked. I wanted to give out of my abundance... because in truth, I may have less then some, but I have MUCH more then most. I wanted to be happy with what God deemed good for me. I wanted to be content with what I had.

And then the Captain lost his job.

And he got a new job that paid less then half of what he had been making before.

And then the Captain lost that job.

But he got a new job... making less then the previous one.

Right now, today, I am the poorest person I know.

And I can honestly say I am OK with it.

God has been changing my heart and refocusing my perspective. He has been repetitively teaching me (as I do my toddler) about what is "need" and what is "want".

He keeps showing me in small ways, through conversations with friends, verses that jump off the page, circumstances I am in, or examples from others that He knows exactly what I need and He has given me SO much MORE then I need.

And even in the tough, scary moments when I doubt, He is there reminding me that He is in control... that this is where He wants us right now... and He will provide and take care of us.

We are definitely in a tight spot... an uncomfortable place.

But He is here.

 Directing us, providing for us... loving us. God has been so much more than faithful in taking care of us financially, He has changed my heart.

I so want my life and my heart to be beautiful.

I love me some pretty things... but more important then the pretty things, I want to invest my life, my energy, my motivation in things of eternity. I want God to look at what I can lay before His feet and see the beautiful. I want pretty that will last forever,

And I am not sure you can buy that in a store...

“I judge all things only by the price they shall gain in eternity.” — John Wesley

InstaFriday: Califonia edition!

So the Captain and I went to California last week...

To visit favorite sister Sara, favorite brother Ryan and favorite nieces Charlie and Sam.

Did I mention we went without the boys!?!?! I know... amazing. My mother-in-law and my mom were amazing and watched the little guys for 6 days so Andy and I could have a vacation. It was so much fun. The last time the Captain and I were able to get away was a cruise right after Caden died. It was beautiful... but not what I count as a true vactaion... so this trip was long awaited and anticipated. We COULD NOT have gone without Sara and Ryan and our parents. We are SO thankful.

Not only had I never seen where Sara and Ryan live, I had never before been to California, so all was new to me. Well, me and the Captain, he had never been to the sunny state either.

My sister and brother were great hosts. We had a comfy airmattress and all the baby girls we could squeeze. Also, they fed us well and made sure we had plenty of entertainment.

It was fun to meet Sara's sweet friends and see into her life. Her family is well loved and cared for so far from her Indy home. It did my heart well to see my loved ones so loved on.

In exchange for the room and board, Ryan had a small to-do list awaiting my arrival. So while Sara and I chatted, loved on babies and caught up throughout my stay, I reupholstered 5 dinning chairs, helped pick out fabric and decorate the girls' room as well as hung pictures. So fun to be able to help.

I am not going to lie... I blew up the instagram whilst on my trip. I am certain people were all "Cari, we get it.. Your in CA, having a good time, seeing things and stuff... but do you have to take a picture of EVERYTHING?!?!?!?"  To which I shall respond... yes, yes I do.

So because I took a picture of eveything and then immediatly instagramed that bad boy... this post is LOADED with pics. your eyes may bleed it is so long... so beware.

(if you want to follow me on instagram my screen name is carichastain)

you have been warned.

(also... I am wearing BIG bug-eyed sunglasses in nearly all the shots I am in. My sister-in-law cringes inwardly... and sometimes outwardly, at my choice in eye protection... but deep inside my soul sings because of  large, fabulous sunglasses...FYI)

I am still unsure what transpired to result in this... but whewn Sara and I came home from being out with the girls, Ryan and the Captain were napping/resting here...

Just chalking this one up to brotherly love...

 Sara has the cutest girls. Charlie is 7 weeks older than Ryder and Sam is 6 months old. They are both smiley and giggly and SO laid back. If I had kids like hers I think I might have 17. They were so fun and squishable!

As any good Aunt would do, I tried to make some good memories. I gave Charlie her first pigtails.

Dying from the cuteness...

Sam looks like Sara as a baby. Just like. Clones... it's kinds creepy.

She is adorable though...

Sara took me to Disneyland. Just sisters. No kids. No husbands.

(they were hiking a mountain and gruntig and scratching and being manly)

It was SO fun. Everytime I saw a screaming child, or a parent trying to entertain their kids while in line for a ride... I smiled and thought "hahaha... suckers!"

It was awesome.

Sara had been there before.

She was my tourguide.

She did well.

We had a lot of time to chill and hang out as a family. Grilling out, cooking, eating, playing games. It was fun and relaxing. Ryan is a great addition to our family. In fact, he fits in so well, it is hard to believe he hasn't been here forever!

Charlie likes to eat.

the end.

One beautiful evening while we were there, we took a short trip over to Hunington Beach.

Our sole purpose for going was to see Jennie and Nick.

My friends from CHICAGO.

CHICAGO.

in Hunington Beach CALIFORNIA.

CRAZY!

They were in town for her grandmothers 80th birthday and were spending time with family at a beach house. So we took advantage of being close to drop in and say hello.

It still seems crazy and amazing to me that we were there at the same time.

After a quick visit with the Murdocks, we headed to the pier. It was a great night to walk the pier, people watch, see some dolphins, a sea lion and watch the sunset.

and hang with the Captain.

The last full day of our trip, Ryan was back at work and Sara generously gave up some of her time with us so we could go on a day-date.

The Captain and I headed out to Newport Beach and spent the day perusing the shops, eating and going out on a whale watching cruise.

We saw no whale... but we did sail up to a pod of dolphins, about 100 in number. They stayed around the boat for about half an hour. It was so amazing to see so many of them swimming together and diving and flipping out in the ocean.

Before we headed back, we decided to go get our feet wet in the ocean.

The Pacific waves are CRAZY!!!

We both got much wetter than expected.

My crazy husband kept running out with the waves then trying to beat them back and not get soaked...

he lost. This pic of him makes me laugh... he's showing a lot of thigh...

All too soon it was time to back and head out for the airport. I was super sad to leave Sara, Ryan and my girls, but I was anxious to get home to see my precious babies.

I missed them.

Don't get me wrong... it was SHAAAWEEEEET having a break, but I missed the hugs and cuddles... and just being near them.

And then... on the way home, on a random Tuesday afternoon in the Cleveland airport... I ran into Julie and Macy. Who are from New York. CRAZY!!!!

Life is awesome.



a reminder

When Caden died my struggle was obvious.

Grief. 

Hard, ugly, constant , soul-ripping grief.

To cling to Christ in maddeningly overwhelming circumstances was easy. I had nothing else. He was literally saving me every day, every minute, as I reminded myself of Truth.

His love.

His care.

His faithfulness.

His peace.

His plan.

His will.

His healing.

His

His

His...

I was reminded and renewed by His truth daily... hourly. Because I had to be to breathe, to focus... to keep it together. I was given the gift of living in the hard to see Him in a new and refreshing way.

I was given the gift of steady, constant communion and fellowship with my savior. It wasn't always pretty. Some days were filled with tears and questions and uncertainty... but it was closeness. It was sweet... it was beautiful.

Now, four years later, my house reverberates with screeching boys. Toy cars slam into each other, into walls... into brothers. My furniture is rearranged and leaped upon and climbed up and bounded over. My floors are never clean and my dishes and laundry are always staring me in the face.

And because of His merciful and gracious healing... my life is full of being a wife and a mommy and not full of grief.

Yet, deep in my heart, I struggle. Because in the calm... in the peace... in the "normal" I struggle for the closeness. I become so overwhelmed with the chaos of my day that I miss the big important picture.

I ache for the clarity that comes with communion.

I long for the joy that comes with constant fellowship.

My days seem heavy.

My heart weighted down.

I look back on the season of grief with awe and a twinge of , dare I say, want... because it was a sweet, sweet time with my Savior.

My soul thirsts for more. I pray for endurance, for patience with my boys, for energy...all the while I just need Him.

Not all the "answers" to my immediate problems.

Just Jesus.

When my focus is right, all the chaos, the struggle the build up of impatience and anger ebb away.

He is enough,

It occurred to me the other day, that God has given me the same amazing opportunity to remind myself daily, hourly, of His amazing truth.

He has given me children to teach about Him.

He has blessed me with boys to tell about Christ.

About His truth.

His love.

His care.

His faithfulness.

His peace.

His plan.

His will.

His healing.

His

His

His...

He has provided the same sweet gift, of living in the hard (because being a mommy is hard) to see Him in a new and refreshing way. To remind myself of God's goodness and love by teaching my boys.

 If I can reign in the moment, If I can get ahold of the minutes that fly by... If I can take the chaos that is mommy-dom and turn it into those sweet moments of repeating God's truth aloud to my boys, of reminding myself of who Jesus is... this will make all the difference.

I need to view the present, beautiful mess that is my everyday at home in the same way I viewed my life when it was torn by grief.

Every moment, every breath, I need Him to get me through.

My struggle might look different, but the solution is exactly the same.

Jesus.

Heaven Day 2012

Heaven Day is what we affectionetly call the anniversary of Caden's death.

It is not a sad day.

It is a day of rejoicing.

Our sweet, precious baby girl is in Heaven.

Septemeber 22nd marks the anniversary of the day Caden entered into Jesus' arms and began her eternity of praise and worship of our Holy Father.

An awesome day to celebrate.

This year marked the 4th anniversary of Caden's death. She has been living joyously in Heaven for 4 years... I'm a bit jealous.

As Heaven Day approached I struggled with a way to teach Rigg (3) and Ryder (20 months) about Caden and how to view death.

The Captain and I so do not want the concept of death to be creepy or scary to our sons. And for their entire lives they are going to have a death closely attached to them and their family. The only thought that I landed upon was that I wanted their first memory... their first concept of death to be a celebration... to be happy and full of joy and hope.

They are way too young to really grasp all of this... so it had to be a tangible celebration... tangible Joy... I wanted to create a tradition for our family that would brand in the mind of my sons that death, for a Believer, is an awesome, joyous thing.

I want to instill this memory... this feeling into them, so when they are old enough to really try to work through the idea of death that this is their first truth... Joy. Happiness. Celebration.

So... how? What do you do to create this feeling of joy and happiness and celebration?

How about sky lanterns?

So on Heaven Day 2012 we started what I hope to be the first of many, many years of lighting lanterns and sending them up into the Heavens to thank God for Caden, for Hope... and for providing the only way for our salvation... a way for us to see her again!

For weeks I have been talking to Rigg and telling him about the lanterns. We talked about Caden and looked at her pictures.  I would ask him if he knew why we were lighting the lanterns. By the end of last week he finally could respond "Because Caden lives in Heaven with Jesus."

Saturday night my little family gathered with more family.

We prayed and thanked God for Caden. For Hope. For life and Christ's Salvation. And for the opportunity to celebrate this great day with those we love.

Heaven is worth much celebrationg, friends.

so... I threw this baby shower.

back in... Ahem... August...

for my friend Lauren.

You might remember me mentioning my friend Lauren... and her son Michael

I've known her since I was in 8th grade.

She is family.

And we now share a sorrow of life that has brought us closer together, just one of God's awesome ways that He shows us He has a plan and He takes care of His own...

So when Lauren said she was gonna have another baby... I was all like...

LET ME THROW YOU A SHOWER, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE.

or something real nonchalant like that.

she was kind enough to oblige.

My house is small... tiny even.

I love my house for so many reasons...

I hate my house for so many reasons too.

One hate-reason being that it is t.i.n.y ... making it hard to comfortably host things.

However, I knew I could make it SUPER cute for a baby girl shower.

and I am all about making things cute.

I get a bit obsessed about cuteness... and the making of the cuteness.

I knew I really wanted to make a big, hanging centerpiece. So I opted for Chinese lanterns and tissue paper poufs.

I loved it... It still makes me happy.
Like giddy-school-girl happy.

I also got to go hog-wild with way cute scrapbook paper and my glue gun.
Ahhh... the joys of a girl and her glue gun...

 

Another thing I did was go a tish bit over board on art for baby Isla's (eeekkk, could you just die over how adorable her name is!) nursery.
I made 3 prints in colors that will go with the nursery decor...
and I almost kept 'em I love them so.

as well as made an 8x10 print that I framed. (crummy pic from my camera...)

And then to top it all off... My friend Cristi made the most beautiful, most deliciously decadent cupcakes.
I might have eaten 2 at the party...
and one after the party...
and two the next day...
Maybe...

My friend Lauren and her beautiful Mother and sister...

and, dang-it, if I didn't go a whole day all showered and make-uped and dressed nice and no picture to show for it... So I took one of myself .

I am posting it here because I know when I stalk other peoples blogs, I feel like I never actually see enough pictures of the person who is actually writing ... just their kids, and their house and all the other intimate details of their life... but, come on, I wanna see whose talking..

So here's me...

you're welcome.