When Caden died my struggle was obvious.
Hard, ugly, constant , soul-ripping grief.
To cling to Christ in maddeningly overwhelming circumstances was easy. I had nothing else. He was literally saving me every day, every minute, as I reminded myself of Truth.
I was reminded and renewed by His truth daily... hourly. Because I had to be to breathe, to focus... to keep it together. I was given the gift of living in the hard to see Him in a new and refreshing way.
I was given the gift of steady, constant communion and fellowship with my savior. It wasn't always pretty. Some days were filled with tears and questions and uncertainty... but it was closeness. It was sweet... it was beautiful.
Now, four years later, my house reverberates with screeching boys. Toy cars slam into each other, into walls... into brothers. My furniture is rearranged and leaped upon and climbed up and bounded over. My floors are never clean and my dishes and laundry are always staring me in the face.
And because of His merciful and gracious healing... my life is full of being a wife and a mommy and not full of grief.
Yet, deep in my heart, I struggle. Because in the calm... in the peace... in the "normal" I struggle for the closeness. I become so overwhelmed with the chaos of my day that I miss the big important picture.
I ache for the clarity that comes with communion.
I long for the joy that comes with constant fellowship.
My days seem heavy.
My heart weighted down.
I look back on the season of grief with awe and a twinge of , dare I say, want... because it was a sweet, sweet time with my Savior.
My soul thirsts for more. I pray for endurance, for patience with my boys, for energy...all the while I just need Him.
Not all the "answers" to my immediate problems.
When my focus is right, all the chaos, the struggle the build up of impatience and anger ebb away.
He is enough,
It occurred to me the other day, that God has given me the same amazing opportunity to remind myself daily, hourly, of His amazing truth.
He has given me children to teach about Him.
He has blessed me with boys to tell about Christ.
About His truth.
He has provided the same sweet gift, of living in the hard (because being a mommy is hard) to see Him in a new and refreshing way. To remind myself of God's goodness and love by teaching my boys.
If I can reign in the moment, If I can get ahold of the minutes that fly by... If I can take the chaos that is mommy-dom and turn it into those sweet moments of repeating God's truth aloud to my boys, of reminding myself of who Jesus is... this will make all the difference.
I need to view the present, beautiful mess that is my everyday at home in the same way I viewed my life when it was torn by grief.
Every moment, every breath, I need Him to get me through.
My struggle might look different, but the solution is exactly the same.