Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am not upset or even confused. And I do not know about you, but I think that is amazing.
To know what I have been through, to look back and see where I have been and simultaneously see how God has answered prayers and brought me through the flames is awesome.
To see how God has changed and shaped and molded my heart gives me hope. Hope about certain fears I want to gain victory over. Hope about how I will react to unwelcome events should they occur. Hope that I can and will make progress in my spiritual life.
The day Caden died comes back to me like stills in a slide show. I remember the scene in the ER. I remember asking, pleading, begging God to keep her safe, to save her, to let her be OK. Gods answer was not what we had planned. Leaving the hospital without her seemed wrong.
The first few days Andy and I ran around in a daze. Hours spent in the car driving, to anywhere but home, staring out the window, no radio. Then family and friends started to arrive and already God was showing His love and His comfort.
In the beginning, I was so terrified that she would be forgotten. I begged people to let me know that she meant something to them. To tell me stories about her, to tell me what God had taught them through her life and her death. I was plagued with the fear that we would be the only ones who would remember and miss her. As time wore on, it became clear that was not to be the case. People will remember, people will know. But it will not be by reminiscing only. It will not be by plastering her picture and story everywhere... although, I would love to do that. It will be by how I live. By how the captain and I walk through this hard time. It will be by being honest and transparent with our thoughts and feelings. By us praising God for all he has done and accomplished through her...people will know and remember.
I have found that the biggest lesson for me is where the importance lies. It is not in the fact that she is gone, but how I respond to her being gone. How is God most glorified? By me fretting over Caden's memory or rejoicing in her life and praising Him for the miracles He has done through and because of her?
I long to walk in a manner worthy of being called a child of God. I want others to see Christ in me.
I feel like I have grown so much, yet it was such a slow and steady process. I do not remember having light bulb moments, or turning points in my growth or grief, just a steady pressing onward. I do know that God has brought me a long way. And I have faith and hope He will continue, because we all know I still have a long way to go...
Do I hear an "Amen, sister!"?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
My good friend Mindy had her parents over for a few days. I had the privilege of seeing them 2 times while they were here. All Suzanne wanted was to see Rigg laugh. He did not cooperate.
So, for Suzanne, I will post this video.
It was Super Bowl night. We were pumped. We were all geared up. We were dressed in our jersey's. We were so disappointed we did not speak of the incident for days. (however a good Boiler like myself cannot be too sad for a Drew Breese victory!)
It was right before bedtime...(Riggs' not ours)
Rigg was in such a great mood.
Yes, I do usually smell his "stinky baby armpits"
No, I do not smell other peoples.
No, I do not talk in such a high voice when not prompted by the laughter of my son.
that is all.
Suzanne, and all others, enjoy the laughs!
Friday, February 19, 2010
8 months marks a small milestone, and 2 days ago marked a not so well known milestone.
2 days ago Rigg was as old as Caden was when she died. So now, even though he is the little brother, he is a little older then her, and always will be. The bigger, older little brother. To mark the occasion we made a handprint and footprint of Rigg. We have some of Caden, so now we have them both at the exact same age.
As for Rigg being 8 months old... we are now in uncharted waters as far as parenting goes.
He has tried some new things lately. He has been given a few things to try and feed himself.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I know I do seem like the super type...but let's be honest, my super moments are few and far between.
As I said, I was overtaken...I was needed, I was available...I was put in charge of 4 kids under 5. I knew I could do it...even though I had never done it before. Plenty of women do it everyday! Surely I can do it for a few hours.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
However, after said door was shut, like 4 seconds after, I needed to go back inside... for something I forgot. I used my key to unlock the door, and unlock it did, but open it did not.
humm, weird... OK, Cari, try again.
click, door unlocked, door still stuck in closed position.
Andy! The door is being stupid!
The captain comes to the rescue... except not really. The door is being stupid for him too.
And as he is banging on the door and ramming it with his football player sized shoulders, the preverbial lightbulb flashed on in my head.
STOP!!!! YOU WILL BREAK THE DOOR!!!
The day before I had been very brave and had 4 kids under my watch. All of whom can walk and move about on their own (well not all... Rigg is, thankfully, still stationary). It had just occured to me what had happened. We have avery old-fashioned door. It has a very old-fashioned lock with very attractive looking buttons to push... if you are under 5. When the top button is pushed in, you have locked the door, and vise versa.
FUNNY, huh, Andy?
He, funnily enough, was not laughing... or even smiling for that matter...
OK... what about the back door? This is the part of the story where my brain takes a 15 minute nap and my body goes into autopilot.
The back door has 2 locks... a deadbolt, which we have a key for, and a chain lock... which we lock ALL THE TIME!
I unlock the back door and try to jimmy the chain lock... it is not working...SURPRIZE! ( I mean, that is why it is there in the first place, right?, to keep people from geting in?) So then I think, maybe if I can get the trim away from the wall enough to get my arm through...
well, as bad decisions always do...this turned out to be a fiasco. I did, indeed, get the trim away from the wall, I knocked that trim into oblivion along with some plaster and nails. It was a wonderful demolition job, if I do say so myself. I justified my actions by telling myself that we did need to get back into our house...so something would have to pay the price... sorry door trim, you were the price I had to pay...(now, thanks to my zelousness, we will have to literally pay for door trim at the home depot...)
which was locked...
from the inside.
Seeing as how I had already, worthlessly, demolished one of our doors, I chose not proceed with my caution to the wind behavior and take a minute to really assess my situation... as I stood ther in a foot of snow assessing... my brain clicked back on and I saw into our kitchen. One of our kitchen windows was unlocked. Great! Lovely!
So I called the captain over, breezily waved a hand at the shattered door trim and nonchalantly mentioned "that" route was not going to work. And in what I considered a very winning voice proclaimed that I had, however, found our anwer!
He was not so impressed with my handy work.
Monday, February 8, 2010
He absolutly LOVES this blanket. He samples every ribbon-tag on the thing, then designates a favorite and chomps and slobbers until the whole blanket is about a pound heavier (because of said drool and slobber) then when he started.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Sometimes it feels like I am remembering a story…someone else’s life… there are days where the memory of her is so distant. Then, there are days where she could be just out of sight, around the corner, playing in another room.
I have come to accept the fact that the freshness of her memory will fade with the passing years. That she is gone, that our family will always be one short, that family pictures will never portray the real picture of ”us”.
Although it will always be a difficult road, losing a child, I have come to the knowledge that the journey God is taking us on will be worth it. I am not sure what “worth it” looks like…but I trust God, and He knows.
A few weeks ago I was sharing about a hard day with a close friend. I had not had a really hard day in sometime. As we were talking I came realization. Do you ever say something without totally thinking it through, and then right after you say it, realize that, “WOW, that is SO TRUE!” Now I do have a slight habit of saying MANY things without thinking them through… however most of the time it lands me a sticky situation, not in an epiphany. This time, thankyouJesus, He showed me what He has been teaching me…how He has been transforming my heart.
I said that the hope that I have for seeing her again has become so real, has overflowed so much in my heart that it has overtaken the grief. Now when I think of my Caden, the first knee jerk reaction is not to cry or deflate emotionally… it is to smile and think of seeing her again. The promise I can claim from Christ’s work on the cross, in a word, Heaven, has become so real to me, that the rawness of the pain has ebbed away.
It took some time. A day by day, hour by hour process, but God has changed, and will continue to change and transform my heart.
So on the day that was to be Caden’s 2nd birthday, I awoke, smiled, and thanked God for the privilege of having such a sweet daughter. I got dressed, went to church and sang a song to God in honor of my baby girl. I had lunch with my family and spent the evening with my beautiful son and wonderful husband. I was a very good day… not because I am strong, but because God is faithful.
Monday, February 1, 2010
OK, so I don't HATE it, but lately, I loathe the way it has of letting you down.
You know what I mean, it is the garage door that refuses to go down ALL THE WAY, it stays open just far enough for the neigbors cat to go in and out as it pleases. The garbage disposal that eats half an orange peel just to stop grinding and hum at you in blatant opposition. (or are these just our appliances?)
Our dryer has been stupid since the day we brought it home (second hand). It likes having clothes inside its big metal-drummed belly so much it takes 3 cycles to completly dry a normal sized load, therefore taking almost 4 hours to finish one load!
I have never had the pleasure of a new vacuum cleaner. I have been the proud owner of 2 used ones. Which have broken. The latest "new-to-us" model started smoking and producing a tatalizing burning smell a couple of weeks ago. I have since borrowed a friends'... (it.was.MARVOLOUS!) and am now in a dire situation... ours is still broken and there is now more dog hair on my floor then on the dog.
Ihavetold you aboutthe sticking spacebaron my keyboard...right?
Our furnace has evidentally tired of full-time employment and decided to take impromptu holidays. It works splindidly one hour... and doesn't work at all the next. And, let me tell you, the baby looks silly in hoodies over footie pajamas and 3 pairs of socks. However, it does little to detour him from laughing and drooling on all of his toys!
And to top it all off, my hair dryer sounds as if it will blow up in my face at any moment! What is a girl to do? I have onsets of sudden terrors at the thought of not being able to blowdry my hair! Of being forced out in public with only half of my hair straightened and the other half a frizzy mess! I am in love with my dryer and round brush! I have formed a close bond with this dryer. I have memorized where all the settings are without needing to look, as well as have attachments that help in all styling situations! My difuser is lovely...and most needed on days when my ensemble calls for curly hair! I fear my dryer is on its last leg and I will be forced to stand in the isle at wal-mart weighing my hair-drying options...wattage, attachments, settings, retractable cords, barrel length...it is just too much right now... I am not yet ready to part with my hairdryer...
Oh, and the clock in our bedroom is stuck on quarter til five...
However, my hairdryer did not give up today, and my tummy-sucking-in undies are doing their job! There is always a silver lining!