Wednesday, February 3, 2010

overflow

Enough time has past since Caden’s birthday now, and I have had time to process some thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes it feels like I am remembering a story…someone else’s life… there are days where the memory of her is so distant. Then, there are days where she could be just out of sight, around the corner, playing in another room.
I have come to accept the fact that the freshness of her memory will fade with the passing years. That she is gone, that our family will always be one short, that family pictures will never portray the real picture of ”us”.
Although it will always be a difficult road, losing a child, I have come to the knowledge that the journey God is taking us on will be worth it. I am not sure what “worth it” looks like…but I trust God, and He knows.

A few weeks ago I was sharing about a hard day with a close friend. I had not had a really hard day in sometime. As we were talking I came realization. Do you ever say something without totally thinking it through, and then right after you say it, realize that, “WOW, that is SO TRUE!” Now I do have a slight habit of saying MANY things without thinking them through… however most of the time it lands me a sticky situation, not in an epiphany. This time, thankyouJesus, He showed me what He has been teaching me…how He has been transforming my heart.
I said that the hope that I have for seeing her again has become so real, has overflowed so much in my heart that it has overtaken the grief. Now when I think of my Caden, the first knee jerk reaction is not to cry or deflate emotionally… it is to smile and think of seeing her again. The promise I can claim from Christ’s work on the cross, in a word, Heaven, has become so real to me, that the rawness of the pain has ebbed away.
It took some time. A day by day, hour by hour process, but God has changed, and will continue to change and transform my heart.
So on the day that was to be Caden’s 2nd birthday, I awoke, smiled, and thanked God for the privilege of having such a sweet daughter. I got dressed, went to church and sang a song to God in honor of my baby girl. I had lunch with my family and spent the evening with my beautiful son and wonderful husband. I was a very good day… not because I am strong, but because God is faithful.

11 comments:

Patty said...

Beautifully written!

Maryellen said...

Cari,
That was just beautiful and so inspiring. You give hope to everyone ! You are a blessing.

Maridith said...

I have been reading your blog for sometime. Most times I read, cry and click off. Your faith is so unbelievable I just couldn't imagine. Well, after 5 months of counseling through the church it is believable. You are an amazing woman! Although you do not know me, I have prayed and thought of you and your family MANY times!! God Bless you!!

Rebekah said...

You so beautifully honor her and Him. Thank you for sharing your heart!

Diana said...

Hi Cari - You don't know me, but I have been following your blog for quite some time - before Rigg was born, and I feel like I know you. You write so honestly, and in words that explain the feelings so well. Some time back you wrote about your husband being "just an ordinary guy" - or actually so much more than that - and I cried - I love that post. It was awesome. Your faith is encouraging and although I have not lost anyone that close to me, it gives me hope that it is something that you can come thru the other side. I pray that your days continue to be blessed, and that you continue to share your heart. It encourages more people that you even know!

Just Me - The Champion said...

God is so cool... and so are you Cari. What you talk about in this blog is exactly what I noticed the first time I read your blog. I felt as if you knew something about eternity I didn't. You understood it better than I. Your faith and love of God continues to astound me. I still have Caden's pic on my fridge. When I see her, I will smile now and think about how I will get to meet her for the first time. Your story, your life, your good and bad days... has impacted my eternity. Her life continues to have a plan and a purpose.

julie said...

wow, that's neat :)

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to tell you that just when I think things I am dealing with is hard, and just when I start to break a little bit I read your blog and your an inspiration. You are going through and have gone through the hardest thing I can imagine and you remain faithful in God, you remain strong, through Him, and your faith and strength is an inspiration to me. A reminder of where I need to be instead of dwelling on the petty things that are troubling me. I don't know you personally but I just wanted to say thank you. <3 Michaela< Colorado. michaeladiane@hotmail.com

Anonymous said...
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Ashley said...

Cari, this is such a beautiful post. It gives God so much glory and I am thankful that you have shared so openly about your journey through grief and into hope. It still made me cry very hard to read it though. Blessing to you, Andy and your sweet baby boy Rigg.

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