Enough time has past since Caden’s birthday now, and I have had time to process some thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes it feels like I am remembering a story…someone else’s life… there are days where the memory of her is so distant. Then, there are days where she could be just out of sight, around the corner, playing in another room.
I have come to accept the fact that the freshness of her memory will fade with the passing years. That she is gone, that our family will always be one short, that family pictures will never portray the real picture of ”us”.
Although it will always be a difficult road, losing a child, I have come to the knowledge that the journey God is taking us on will be worth it. I am not sure what “worth it” looks like…but I trust God, and He knows.
A few weeks ago I was sharing about a hard day with a close friend. I had not had a really hard day in sometime. As we were talking I came realization. Do you ever say something without totally thinking it through, and then right after you say it, realize that, “WOW, that is SO TRUE!” Now I do have a slight habit of saying MANY things without thinking them through… however most of the time it lands me a sticky situation, not in an epiphany. This time, thankyouJesus, He showed me what He has been teaching me…how He has been transforming my heart.
I said that the hope that I have for seeing her again has become so real, has overflowed so much in my heart that it has overtaken the grief. Now when I think of my Caden, the first knee jerk reaction is not to cry or deflate emotionally… it is to smile and think of seeing her again. The promise I can claim from Christ’s work on the cross, in a word, Heaven, has become so real to me, that the rawness of the pain has ebbed away.
It took some time. A day by day, hour by hour process, but God has changed, and will continue to change and transform my heart.
So on the day that was to be Caden’s 2nd birthday, I awoke, smiled, and thanked God for the privilege of having such a sweet daughter. I got dressed, went to church and sang a song to God in honor of my baby girl. I had lunch with my family and spent the evening with my beautiful son and wonderful husband. I was a very good day… not because I am strong, but because God is faithful.