Confessions

Do you ever go back and re-read your old posts?  Sometimes, I get caught up in reading about my life... I am a nerd. It is always interesting to me to see where I was and what God was teaching me... and where I have fallen into old sin patterns again...
Anyway, I was doing this the other night and 2 old posts hit me in the face and smacked me around a little...

Let's start at the beginning... shall we?

I am in a bible study that is studying Isaiah this year. Just a couple of weeks ago we were in chapter 26. The verse that stood out and was "camped on" so to speak, was verse 3.
Isaiah 26:3  You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
We were asked where in our life we might need peace. Then were told if we, like the verse promised, kept our focus on Christ, we would have perfect peace... the peace only God can give.

Confession #1 I am stupid.
I hem-hawed in my own mind about where I really needed peace. I guess in my twisted mind I thought that if I don't acknowledge an area of need in my own life... then God won't know either...
stupid.

Confession #2 I am scared.
When I finally dug down deep... or just admitted to what I had been constantly pushing aside, I confessed to God (and later to a room full of women) that I was scared.

Well, terrified, really, of having a newborn/ infant at home. I want all the soft quiet cuddles. I look forward to all the firsts, first smile, first laugh, first spit-up on dad... That baby-after-a-bath smell... the sweet angelic face while they sleep.. all the good stuff.
I am terrified about the "what-ifs". What if they get sick? What if they stop breathing? What if... Caden?
scared.

Confession #3 I do not learn.
I was reading a book recently and it had an awesome quote by C.S. Lewis. He said: "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
This stood out to me, because this is right where I am.  I trust God... I do, but I want to trust God if He does it my way...and it is painless. In my mind, I have had enough pain. Trust is easier if is is comfortable.
As I was re-reading my old posts I came across this one, ironically titled Trust...
As I read I came to a paragraph that met me right where I was.

"I shared all of this with my friend. She shared with me that the was listening to a sermon recently and it brought up a similar thread. Moses asked God to show him His glory. (Ex. 33:18) Which is a huge thing to ask…and in the sermon the lady said, do you now why we do not ask this same thing from God? Because we believe a lie from Satan. We believe that if we ask God to show us and demonstrate His glory in our lives that it will be too much of a risk…it will cost us too much…God will demand more then we can give or want to let go of. Do you see the lie friends? God is a God of goodness, love, compassion, and mercy. He does things for our good. Suffering is a part of this fallen world…but to the Christian, suffering is never wasted. God brings about the good…because that is who He is…He is goodness."

It even ended with the verse Isaiah 26:3.

Evidently this is a battle I have fought before...
I do not learn.


Confession #4 I have a bad memory (it might just be selective)
As I was pondering all of this, and God was starting to break through some built up walls of pride, faithlessness, and shame... I came across another old post. I stopped to read it because it was about snow, and we had just recently had our first snowfall...
This post was a powerful reminder to me of what God has already done...what He will be faithful to do in my future... If I continue to fully trust and rest in Him and His plan.
At one point in this older post I said:

"Now I know different. To me, the first snowfall is not a reminder of what never was, but of healing and making new, because that is what God is doing. He is taking what was broken in my heart and making it whole. My emptiness is becoming full. Full of faith in His word. Joy in what he has given, and hope for what he has in store."

Where was this lady now? How had I fallen so far in just one year? Where was my trust in His plan? My joy in His work... my peace with His decisions?
I have a bad memory.

Confession #5 I am working on it... or letting God work on me.
I have since declared my pride and inability to "do it on my own" to God... and to a room full of women. I have prayed for God to work in me and through me... to let me truly rest in Him and his plan... No matter what that looks like...for me, my family... for Ryder. I have asked to be reminded daily of His Faithfulness, His Promises...His Hope, His Peace.

As I was washing dishes the other day I remembered a hard/terrifying prayer and confession I made to God about a year ago. Rigg was sick... later we would discover it was RSV and he would be hospitalized for a few days. I was really battling with him being sick and trusting God... and trying with all of my might not to panic. I was in the car on my way to bible study when I openly confessed to God the hardest thing I have ever told him... and I meant it. As I was washing dishes I remembered this painful confession and the feeling of truly giving something up... of handing something over.

That dark winter night as I drove down the highway, I gave my son to God. I told God that I was scared, that I was almost in a panic because of it. Then I told God, in no uncertain terms that I did not want to lose Rigg, or any other child for that matter. BUT then I told Him that I wanted His will more, and even though the pain of losing Caden was still so fresh, I had seen His provision. I had seen His faithfulness... and even though the hurt and pain are almost too much at times... He had brought me through it all. He carried me through and I knew He could do it again. So even though I never wanted to do it again... if it was Gods plan, I knew I would be alright... and I gave it up.
And the confession scared me... but it felt right, to let God have His rightful place... as terrifying as it was.

So as I stood in front of my sink, bubbles up to my wrists, washing leftovers from the plates and bowls...I gave God Ryder. Use his life for Your glory... whatever that might look like.
And I would be lying if I said it was easy, or that I was not scared. But Just as I knew a year ago I had done the right thing... I knew it again.

Not that God needs my permission... but it is a step of trust on my part. And hopefully it honors God.