almost

Almost 2 years gone.
Such a long time... and yet it still seems like yesterday she was here. So close are the memories I can almost hear her, smell her... almost but I cannot fully grasp them. Like a word you are searching for and you cannot find... like a phrase or a name on the tip of your tongue, you know you know it, but it does not come...this is Caden for me, just out of reach...

As this unfair, terrible milestone approaches, I find myself resting in what I know to be true, not how I feel. Because to be completely honest I feel pretty crummy. I feel jipped out a life and a future with my daughter. I feel a small hole in my life that screams at me every time I see a picture of her. I feel like her memory, her face, her connection to our family is slipping away... I feel like some days, she is forgotten.

but

But I know this is not true.

What I know to be true is, God is Sovereign. His plan and purpose for my life, for Caden's life, is perfect. No matter how long, or what is involved. Pain and sorrow are temporary, like this life, like this fallen world. I know God is faithful, He loves and cares for me... He understands my pain, my ache. I know he continually brings me, the Captain, and our precious Caden to the minds of others who love and care for us.

I know she is loved by God. Her life had a purpose. I know she is remembered. I know she is missed. I know she was a gift, a blessing from the Father. I know she was meant for us, in this time... I know her death was in His perfect plan... I know it is part of my plan and purpose as well. I know God will use it for good. I know her life and death has already touched the lives of many. I know because of her, I have grown, I have searched more deeply and thoroughly then ever before. I know I found not found God wanting. I know He is everything He says He is... I know...even when I do not feel...

So today, as I sit and cry, as I sit and stare at pictures of my baby girl, I rest in the truth of what I know, and not in how I feel,  Because truth never changes...my feelings do, especially when I am pregnant and hormonal.

Almost 2 years,and it still hurts.
Almost 2 years and God is still faithful to pick me up and carry me when I cannot do it on my own.
And to be honest, I don't want to do it without God anyway.