Tuesday, September 14, 2010

almost

Almost 2 years gone.
Such a long time... and yet it still seems like yesterday she was here. So close are the memories I can almost hear her, smell her... almost but I cannot fully grasp them. Like a word you are searching for and you cannot find... like a phrase or a name on the tip of your tongue, you know you know it, but it does not come...this is Caden for me, just out of reach...

As this unfair, terrible milestone approaches, I find myself resting in what I know to be true, not how I feel. Because to be completely honest I feel pretty crummy. I feel jipped out a life and a future with my daughter. I feel a small hole in my life that screams at me every time I see a picture of her. I feel like her memory, her face, her connection to our family is slipping away... I feel like some days, she is forgotten.

but

But I know this is not true.

What I know to be true is, God is Sovereign. His plan and purpose for my life, for Caden's life, is perfect. No matter how long, or what is involved. Pain and sorrow are temporary, like this life, like this fallen world. I know God is faithful, He loves and cares for me... He understands my pain, my ache. I know he continually brings me, the Captain, and our precious Caden to the minds of others who love and care for us.
I know she is loved by God. Her life had a purpose. I know she is remembered. I know she is missed. I know she was a gift, a blessing from the Father. I know she was meant for us, in this time... I know her death was in His perfect plan... I know it is part of my plan and purpose as well. I know God will use it for good. I know her life and death has already touched the lives of many. I know because of her, I have grown, I have searched more deeply and thoroughly then ever before. I know I found not found God wanting. I know He is everything He says He is... I know...even when I do not feel...

So today, as I sit and cry, as I sit and stare at pictures of my baby girl, I rest in the truth of what I know, and not in how I feel,  Because truth never changes...my feelings do, especially when I am pregnant and hormonal.

Almost 2 years,and it still hurts.
Almost 2 years and God is still faithful to pick me up and carry me when I cannot do it on my own.
And to be honest, I don't want to do it without God anyway.

3 comments:

Penny said...

My heart still breaks for you every time you post about missing her. But no, she is NOT forgotten. I think about her every time I read your blog. And I never "knew" her. See, I started reading while you were pregnant with Rigg and searched for what happened to her. Such a sad story, but you are right~ God is still using it to reach people. God bless.

Heidi Stone Photography said...

Cari, I think about Caden often as I'm sure others do as well. And I pray for you and Andy still. And if I should happen to glance back over to my old blog and spot any posts about Caden, her memories come flooding back to me.

You sure have had quite the refiner's fire over the past few years. By the time your lives are done, you and Andy will be pure gold!

Love you guys.

brittany said...

Cari - You are such a beautiful mother. Your love for your children is a direct reflection of Christ and I am certain all 3 of them know that. Caden is beautiful... I can't imagine her being any less grateful to the Father for letting you be her mom as you are grateful to the Father for letting her be a part of your life and have a part of your heart.

I am 9 weeks along with my first child. I hope and pray that I can be such a beautiful reflection of God's love to my children.

Praying for you and Andy!