Almost 2 years gone.
Such a long time... and yet it still seems like yesterday she was here. So close are the memories I can almost hear her, smell her... almost but I cannot fully grasp them. Like a word you are searching for and you cannot find... like a phrase or a name on the tip of your tongue, you know you know it, but it does not come...this is Caden for me, just out of reach...
As this unfair, terrible milestone approaches, I find myself resting in what I know to be true, not how I feel. Because to be completely honest I feel pretty crummy. I feel jipped out a life and a future with my daughter. I feel a small hole in my life that screams at me every time I see a picture of her. I feel like her memory, her face, her connection to our family is slipping away... I feel like some days, she is forgotten.
But I know this is not true.
What I know to be true is, God is Sovereign. His plan and purpose for my life, for Caden's life, is perfect. No matter how long, or what is involved. Pain and sorrow are temporary, like this life, like this fallen world. I know God is faithful, He loves and cares for me... He understands my pain, my ache. I know he continually brings me, the Captain, and our precious Caden to the minds of others who love and care for us.
So today, as I sit and cry, as I sit and stare at pictures of my baby girl, I rest in the truth of what I know, and not in how I feel, Because truth never changes...my feelings do, especially when I am pregnant and hormonal.
Almost 2 years,and it still hurts.
Almost 2 years and God is still faithful to pick me up and carry me when I cannot do it on my own.
And to be honest, I don't want to do it without God anyway.