realization

Days seem to run together.

It is almost April...2010. Really? 2010? Where have I been?

In my mind I still look like I did when I was 19, however when I see myself in the mirror...when I really look...laugh lines... a less chiseled jaw line... a size larger hangs in my closet.

I can easily forget how many responsibilities I have accumulated. In some moments I lose myself and remember what it is like to leave and go shopping. No extra bag to pack, no one get ready but myself... not needing to ask permission or re-evaluate a budget...just shop.
I can almost feel what it was like to be newly married, carefree... I can taste it on the tip of my tongue because it was not so long ago.

but kind of a lot's happened since then

How quickly I forget. Happy, busy, giggly days filled with housework, naptimes, diaper changes... life happens and you keep pressing on.

and today I realized it is almost April...

2010

I am no longer 19... nor do I look like it. I am not free do drive off into the noonday sun and spend half a paycheck on the new spring line at the LOFT.  I have had to wipe poop off little bottoms more times today then yesterday, proving once again, glamorous is not in my new job description.

today, with a kind of slap in the face reality check, I realized it was almost April,

2010

and more then anything, I wish she were here.

and then I fell off the face of the earth...

or just took a small break from myself. whatever...

I have had nothing noteworthy to say lately. Not that nothing has been happening...just nothing "worth writing about" literally. Days have slowly and steadily slipped into a "normal" for us. And after living life on top of 12 foot swells for so long... normal seems boring to write about. ( I am not complaining about normal... I will gladly take normal over crazy anyday.)

Rigg is gettting big(ger) and chatty. He is still a big lazy bum and is perfectly content watching the world pass him by thankyouverymuch. He has 8 teeth and is eating table food like crazy. He loves bananas, sweet potato cubes, grilled cheese, muffins, peas, graham crackers... basically anything the kid can chomp and swallow he will eat. The captain and I call him the human sponge because he will drink from his sippy until he pukes water...gross!

My sister and brother (in-law) are in town this week. I am excited to have them around and let them see Rigg. I wish they lived closer. I am looking forward to getting some pics with them and Rigg...maybe me too if I am lucky enough to get a shower...always a toss up!

I took some pics the other night of Rigg "playing on/with daddy" I kept laughing because when he would reach over Andy his little diapered butt would just shoot up into the air...I had to take a pic! And then there are the self-picture shots...enjoy those... and some with father and son...because , I mean, who could resist?

Mirror, mirror

Mirror, mirror on a stand, who has the cutest little hand?

Whose smile's so bright it lights up his face, and whose delightful presence is requested all over the place?

Whose laugh is contagious and spreads to all around, and who jabbers and yells just to hear the sound?

Please, Mirror, answer loud and answer big.

Who did you say?

Oh, I knew it must be Rigg!

weight

I am clinging to my son a little tighter today.  He has no idea, he is just glad to be held and snuggled. Overjoyed to have mommys face inches from his, to double over in laughter as his sides are tickled and belly blown on. He does not feel the weight of yesterday morning.

But I do.

While at a friends house for a playdate, a call came in. I could tell by the look on her face it was serious.
Tears came to her eyes as I was told of another friend, another family from my church,  another sister in Christ who had delivered her 20 week old triplet boys early that morning. All three saw Jesus' face before I awoke that morning.

What do you say? What do you do?

I walked to the edge of the room and watched as my son laughed and giggled with his buddy. I wrapped my arms around myself as tears slid down my face. I prayed. For my friends, for their family, for my son...for myself.

I thanked God for His wisdom and Sovereignty, even though I do not understand. I thanked Him for allowing my son to be blissfully unaware of heartache and pain... for now.

As I watched Rigg smile and try to eat a book, the weight of the knowledge hit me.

The knowledge that there are now 3 more babies I know in Heaven.

Lord, come quickly!

Please pray for my friends, Connie and Jason, and their family.

It's not easy

Ok... So I have been neglecting you.

I appologize. Nothing has really been going on...just, well, I got this new phone. It is really neat and fun and has kinda kept me away from my blogging... you see, I can now access the internet from my phone...which means I check my blog and email often...but do not write or reply in a timely fashion. (because I am lazy...) It is a bad forming habit that I am trying to break before it solidifies...

SORRY

Now, because it is St. Patty's day and all, I think some green is in order.

Green is my favorite color... I think Rigg enjoys it too!

but even though to day is the day for it...some times it's just not easy being green!

on the subject of Rigg

It has been a while since we talked about Rigg... And seeing as I like to talk about him it is surprising it has been so long!

He is blooming...if you can say that about a young boy.

He is jabbering more and more. He LOVES to laugh and it is So easy to get him to giggle.

He is eating more solid foods on his own and has almost mastered the sippy cup... I say almost because he will still toss it on the floor with a bewildered expression about its whereabouts just seconds after said toss... He can get all the water out of it though...no help needed!

Still not crawling... not even the least bit interested. Incidentally...he is not even interested in rolling! He can! I have seen him do it... but only when forced and never of his own volition. He hates being on his tummy and immediately rolls on to his back within 3 seconds of being placed on his belly. Because he only rolls from his tummy to his back in one direction, I have resorted to placing him up against a stack of pillows or the couch to keep him on his stomach. He is only semi-content for about 5-10 min before he burrows his face in the floor and starts to fuss.

Caden was almost crawling when she passed away. So in my mind Rigg is a little behind... I need to get over it.. he is fine... just lazy!

Oh well, he will move eventually! Until then I can just enjoy him where he is...and enjoy the freedom I have to leave a room for longer then a couple minutes at a time!

mood swings

Today I have been all over the place emotionally. And right now, I am in a bad mood. I have tried to shake it off. I even tried to eat my way out of it... nothing doing. I am still stewing in my own private irritation.
Everything from about 2 pm on has gone wrong. OK, I will not be SO dramatic... Wrong is a harsh word... it has gone differently then I wanted or had planned.
I got no Sunday afternoon nap (a Cari staple since childhood) I had to deal with a fussy crabby baby. I had to clean my house. Then when I was seconds away from bedtime (Rigg's not mine) He puked. All over the rug, himself, and me. I am still wearing the puked-on pants...
I am pretty sure he is OK... he is sleeping great and has acted fine all day as well as after the puking on mommy...

So not only has everything not gone my way (yes, I do realize I am whining like I am 4) It has also been one of those days where I just miss my baby girl.

There was a little girl at church this morning who is just a month older then Caden. She was beautiful, with soft baby curls and sweet little hands. All the lovely pink and flowers on her sweater made me ache. I do not often let my mind wander to the place of the "what ifs" and "what would be's". I think it is too painful, and if I am truthful, it is pointless... because it is not what was to be and nothing profitable comes of it. Usually when I think of Caden, it is of the sweet, sweet memories I have of her life... not imaginary dreams of what never was.

But today, today I drifted. And it tore me apart.

I wanted to be the mom who was walking too slow so the 2 year old could keep up. I wanted to be the lady with the orange juice stain on her trousers because her little girl just had to have a drink from a big cup. I wanted the pink mary janes and the flower sweater to be in a closet in my home waiting for me to put them on my baby girl... I wanted to see her how she would have been.

But like all things today, I have not gotten what I wanted.

But when my plans for a nap flew right out the window because Rigg woke up WAY early from his nap. I took him and snuggled up under the covers with him for a solid half an hour. I smelled his baby smell and ran my fingers through the silky strands of his baby hair. I watched him smile and listened with enjoyment as he laughed and talked to the dog. I kissed his chubby cheek and told him I loved him. I thanked God for my son, and my daughter.

Then I saw the kitchen... and Rigg became MR. Whiny. And when I got bananas sneezed on me and realized we were out of diet coke, my emotional roller coaster took another belly tingling nose dive.

I am glad I do not get in bad moods often...they really tire me out. As for my bad mood, since starting this post it has ebbed away. Oh, how fleeting are our emotions. I am glad that God and His truth are firm and unchanging. And He loves me... even in my bad moods.

Psalm 117:2
For His lovingkindness is great toward us, And the truth of the LORD is everlasting. Praise the LORD!

a refilling up

I would be remiss if I was not honest. It has taken me awhile to get here simply because I have neglected in being honest with myself. If I had been, I might not be here.

Where is here?

A spiritual dry patch. And it is my fault.

When things are tough, when life is heavy upon me I run to Jesus. I fall into His open arms. Knowing I cannot do it all myself, knowing I cannot manage the weight of myself, my sin, my troubles and cares, I search for Him, His answers, His way. I snuggle up to him where I know I will be safe and sound. Life seems easier and warmer from the protection of Truth and Light.

And then the pain and hurt begin to subside. The shock wears off. I see where I was and praise Jesus for His help in my time of need. I thank Him for His goodness... and slowly, ever so slowly, I ease away.

Life with all of its business and urgency overwhelms me. Do I remember my Savior? Do I recall His goodness to me in my ever so recent plight? Of course! I even proclaim His greatness and faithfulness to all around.

My head remembers as my heart strays.
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love...

I have been avoiding myself for a few days now. I knew what I was doing, but I tried to suppress the truth. I just hate finding myself back in this familiar place... the place of Cari. The place where I decided and chose and took over and controlled my way all the way into the middle of nowhere... and now here I am. With only myself for company because I never stopped to ask God along... or even paused to remember life is always better and safer when He is the one driving the bus... not Cari.

Oh, how ashamed I feel to find myself here again. ME! "Cari, you should know, really know, how important and vital it is to stay close to God. To seek Him with all your heart... and yet you do this... you always do this."

I have felt the tug of God on my sleeve this past week. Sundays message started with "Cari, this is just for you." and ended with "Cari...were you listening?"

I have come face to face with a certain sin.
I went to bible study and felt the convicting word of truth pierce my stubbornness.

This morning I put 1 John 1:9 into practice.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

He forgives... a clean slate awaits me. The God of second chances (and 346th chances) heard my cry and came to my rescue... again.

So now? Now I am in the process of a refilling up, of searching for Jesus in a calm and happy day just as I search for Him in rain and wind. Now I am recommitting to be in His word daily.. for this is the only place to find life and peace...Gods word.

John 15:4-6
Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned