Sunday, March 7, 2010

mood swings

Today I have been all over the place emotionally. And right now, I am in a bad mood. I have tried to shake it off. I even tried to eat my way out of it... nothing doing. I am still stewing in my own private irritation.
Everything from about 2 pm on has gone wrong. OK, I will not be SO dramatic... Wrong is a harsh word... it has gone differently then I wanted or had planned.
I got no Sunday afternoon nap (a Cari staple since childhood) I had to deal with a fussy crabby baby. I had to clean my house. Then when I was seconds away from bedtime (Rigg's not mine) He puked. All over the rug, himself, and me. I am still wearing the puked-on pants...
I am pretty sure he is OK... he is sleeping great and has acted fine all day as well as after the puking on mommy...

So not only has everything not gone my way (yes, I do realize I am whining like I am 4) It has also been one of those days where I just miss my baby girl.

There was a little girl at church this morning who is just a month older then Caden. She was beautiful, with soft baby curls and sweet little hands. All the lovely pink and flowers on her sweater made me ache. I do not often let my mind wander to the place of the "what ifs" and "what would be's". I think it is too painful, and if I am truthful, it is pointless... because it is not what was to be and nothing profitable comes of it. Usually when I think of Caden, it is of the sweet, sweet memories I have of her life... not imaginary dreams of what never was.

But today, today I drifted. And it tore me apart.

I wanted to be the mom who was walking too slow so the 2 year old could keep up. I wanted to be the lady with the orange juice stain on her trousers because her little girl just had to have a drink from a big cup. I wanted the pink mary janes and the flower sweater to be in a closet in my home waiting for me to put them on my baby girl... I wanted to see her how she would have been.

But like all things today, I have not gotten what I wanted.

But when my plans for a nap flew right out the window because Rigg woke up WAY early from his nap. I took him and snuggled up under the covers with him for a solid half an hour. I smelled his baby smell and ran my fingers through the silky strands of his baby hair. I watched him smile and listened with enjoyment as he laughed and talked to the dog. I kissed his chubby cheek and told him I loved him. I thanked God for my son, and my daughter.

Then I saw the kitchen... and Rigg became MR. Whiny. And when I got bananas sneezed on me and realized we were out of diet coke, my emotional roller coaster took another belly tingling nose dive.

I am glad I do not get in bad moods often...they really tire me out. As for my bad mood, since starting this post it has ebbed away. Oh, how fleeting are our emotions. I am glad that God and His truth are firm and unchanging. And He loves me... even in my bad moods.

Psalm 117:2
For His lovingkindness is great toward us, And the truth of the LORD is everlasting. Praise the LORD!


Lindsay said...

I wanted to leave a comment with encouraging, wise words...but I'm still struggling with the "what ifs" every day.

It's okay to have mood swing days, and it's okay to miss her. I know you know that. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone, friend...not at all.

Hope you at least get some Diet Coke. ;)

Anonymous said...

Hmm.......I'm thinking sunny, partly cloudy to mostly cloudy with rain pretty much covers it. Praying for sunshine. Love you. b