Tuesday, March 2, 2010

a refilling up

I would be remiss if I was not honest. It has taken me awhile to get here simply because I have neglected in being honest with myself. If I had been, I might not be here.

Where is here?

A spiritual dry patch. And it is my fault.

When things are tough, when life is heavy upon me I run to Jesus. I fall into His open arms. Knowing I cannot do it all myself, knowing I cannot manage the weight of myself, my sin, my troubles and cares, I search for Him, His answers, His way. I snuggle up to him where I know I will be safe and sound. Life seems easier and warmer from the protection of Truth and Light.

And then the pain and hurt begin to subside. The shock wears off. I see where I was and praise Jesus for His help in my time of need. I thank Him for His goodness... and slowly, ever so slowly, I ease away.

Life with all of its business and urgency overwhelms me. Do I remember my Savior? Do I recall His goodness to me in my ever so recent plight? Of course! I even proclaim His greatness and faithfulness to all around.

My head remembers as my heart strays.
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love...

I have been avoiding myself for a few days now. I knew what I was doing, but I tried to suppress the truth. I just hate finding myself back in this familiar place... the place of Cari. The place where I decided and chose and took over and controlled my way all the way into the middle of nowhere... and now here I am. With only myself for company because I never stopped to ask God along... or even paused to remember life is always better and safer when He is the one driving the bus... not Cari.

Oh, how ashamed I feel to find myself here again. ME! "Cari, you should know, really know, how important and vital it is to stay close to God. To seek Him with all your heart... and yet you do this... you always do this."

I have felt the tug of God on my sleeve this past week. Sundays message started with "Cari, this is just for you." and ended with "Cari...were you listening?"

I have come face to face with a certain sin.
I went to bible study and felt the convicting word of truth pierce my stubbornness.

This morning I put 1 John 1:9 into practice.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

He forgives... a clean slate awaits me. The God of second chances (and 346th chances) heard my cry and came to my rescue... again.

So now? Now I am in the process of a refilling up, of searching for Jesus in a calm and happy day just as I search for Him in rain and wind. Now I am recommitting to be in His word daily.. for this is the only place to find life and peace...Gods word.

John 15:4-6
Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned


Samantha said...

As if written just for me, your post strikes a cord with me today.

After suffering two miscarriages and finally weathering the storm by relying on Him, I was blessed with my son last year. Since then, I too have experienced a spiritual dry spell that I have only recently realized.

Today, as I experienced my third miscarriage, I turned to find Him and then read your post - a gentle reminder that it took two miscarriages to give the hurts to Him and follow Him in the rain and wind. And another one to realize just how precious the life was He had blessed me with.

In sorrow, I am learning just how to find peace in Him, both in devastation and renewal.

Jill said...

you don't know me personally, but I've commented a few times, and am an avid reader here. I could not believe the passage you wrote on the bottom of this post (well, I can believe it, because I'm starting to notice that's just how God works...) but the site I was on RIGHT before I came here was biblegateway.com and I was reading this EXACT same passage in John 15. So crazy!! I was lead there through another random indirect way. I guess the Lord knows how to make us "get the message"! Thank you!!!

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

cari, if you'd like...send me your header picture and i'll resize it for you so it fits. :)