uninspired

I have been uninspired to write as of late. Maybe because all the days are running together, maybe because I am too tired to put coherent sentences together, maybe because nothing much is happening here...maybe because I am lazy...or all of the above. As I sit here, at almost 3 in the afternoon, unshowered, still in my PJ's...I wonder what it is about a baby that takes the urgency out of being presentable...would I go out in public in a milk stained T-shirt...not before the baby is born, but afterward, I wouldn't think twice. In fact, I did it yesterday. Granted it was a tank top, under my other shirt, and it was liberally sprayed with perfume as not to offend those around me with the smell of milk and sweat...but it was on me just the same. I still however, will not go out without mascara...this rule never changes. NEVER.

The captain started his second round of chemo last night before bed...this time the doc said he cold take more anti-nausea medication. So we are hoping that this time will go even smoother than the last. After this month we only have 4 more left...YEAH! He is scheduled for an MRI at the beginning of August, this will be the first glimpse into his head since the surgery...

His neurologist called him just a few min. ago and said if he has been seizure free for 3 months...then he can drive! So on July 7th Andy can drive himself to work for the first time since April 6th 2009. What a blessing and answer to prayer..and a relief, not that I minded all those extra hours with him, but I am sure he is glad to be the one behind the wheel.

I took the Big Rigg into the Dr yesterday for a check-up. He is doing great..all pink and no yellow...I was a little remiss about his weight last Wednesday. It seems they had him at 7.6...this Wednesday he was 9.1!!!! Can you believe it? He is gaining. If we stay on this path he will be the size of a baby walrus by his first birthday. So in light of his new growth I have bee trying harder to nurse...I have been pumping mostly. We are working on it...(Stacey)

I thought, before Rigg was here, that the little things would be harder. Like feeding him, or bathing him. I thought that it would bring sudden instant flashbacks of my baby girl. This has not been the case. I think I am just too busy trying to get things done, it has not hit me that way. I find when I have a moment to rest, and glance at a picture of her, this is the time the hurt hits full force. Rigg is So different from her, in every way. His looks are very different, but his personality too. He is quiet and calm, just very layed back and chill. She was a talker from the beginning. He loved to be cuddled and wanted to be near people at all times. You could leave Rigg alone, wide awake in his crib or in the swing and he does not make a peep. I know God knew what he was doing. I can love and appreciate them for who they are, who God made them to be without comparing Rigg to Caden.

I was thinking just the other day what it would be like to have 2 kids in the house. She would be walking, trying to touch her baby brother all the time, probably driving me nuts...some days it is just so quiet here. I miss her jabbering and squealing. She could squeal so loudly it would shake the window pains...just to hear herself . I miss her little voice.

remember to pause the music at the bottom to hear the video.

I miss her.

I want to hold them both.

Sometimes the knowledge that my family will always be unwhole is too much to for me. No matter how many children I have we will always be one short for family pictures. And because she was our first, our kids will never know her outside of pictures, videos and stories. It makes my heart ache to know that they will never love her as I do...because they never got the chance.

I know God has a plan, His reasons are far superior to mine and my limited knowledge, and I rest in that. But it doesn't stop the pain. Loss still hurts.

But we have hope...we will see her again. I just wish it were today.

But alas, today is just another day. And here I still sit with no shower...and no immediate plans for one. I just picked up my baby boy and am trying to type while holding him close, in an effort to calm my hurting soul and rejoice for what I have been given. He is so precious. I love him more than I can say...

He fell asleep in my arms. Sometimes looking at Rigg I am reminded of how much babies need someone to take care of them. They are totally dependant upon others to get through the day. This is how we should look to Jesus, with a child-like faith...a faith that needs Him just to get through the day. Today I lean heavily upon my Savior, as I should everyday. Today I need Him just to get through. Today I feel His comfort through the promise of His word. This to shall pass. It is temporary, He will come again. I can feel safe in His arms, the way my baby feels safe in mine.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18

16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.