Thursday, July 2, 2009

uninspired

I have been uninspired to write as of late. Maybe because all the days are running together, maybe because I am too tired to put coherent sentences together, maybe because nothing much is happening here...maybe because I am lazy...or all of the above. As I sit here, at almost 3 in the afternoon, unshowered, still in my PJ's...I wonder what it is about a baby that takes the urgency out of being presentable...would I go out in public in a milk stained T-shirt...not before the baby is born, but afterward, I wouldn't think twice. In fact, I did it yesterday. Granted it was a tank top, under my other shirt, and it was liberally sprayed with perfume as not to offend those around me with the smell of milk and sweat...but it was on me just the same. I still however, will not go out without mascara...this rule never changes. NEVER.
The captain started his second round of chemo last night before bed...this time the doc said he cold take more anti-nausea medication. So we are hoping that this time will go even smoother than the last. After this month we only have 4 more left...YEAH! He is scheduled for an MRI at the beginning of August, this will be the first glimpse into his head since the surgery...

His neurologist called him just a few min. ago and said if he has been seizure free for 3 months...then he can drive! So on July 7th Andy can drive himself to work for the first time since April 6th 2009. What a blessing and answer to prayer..and a relief, not that I minded all those extra hours with him, but I am sure he is glad to be the one behind the wheel.

I took the Big Rigg into the Dr yesterday for a check-up. He is doing great..all pink and no yellow...I was a little remiss about his weight last Wednesday. It seems they had him at 7.6...this Wednesday he was 9.1!!!! Can you believe it? He is gaining. If we stay on this path he will be the size of a baby walrus by his first birthday. So in light of his new growth I have bee trying harder to nurse...I have been pumping mostly. We are working on it...(Stacey)


I thought, before Rigg was here, that the little things would be harder. Like feeding him, or bathing him. I thought that it would bring sudden instant flashbacks of my baby girl. This has not been the case. I think I am just too busy trying to get things done, it has not hit me that way. I find when I have a moment to rest, and glance at a picture of her, this is the time the hurt hits full force. Rigg is So different from her, in every way. His looks are very different, but his personality too. He is quiet and calm, just very layed back and chill. She was a talker from the beginning. He loved to be cuddled and wanted to be near people at all times. You could leave Rigg alone, wide awake in his crib or in the swing and he does not make a peep. I know God knew what he was doing. I can love and appreciate them for who they are, who God made them to be without comparing Rigg to Caden.



I was thinking just the other day what it would be like to have 2 kids in the house. She would be walking, trying to touch her baby brother all the time, probably driving me nuts...some days it is just so quiet here. I miss her jabbering and squealing. She could squeal so loudly it would shake the window pains...just to hear herself . I miss her little voice.

remember to pause the music at the bottom to hear the video.
video
I miss her.

I want to hold them both.

Sometimes the knowledge that my family will always be unwhole is too much to for me. No matter how many children I have we will always be one short for family pictures. And because she was our first, our kids will never know her outside of pictures, videos and stories. It makes my heart ache to know that they will never love her as I do...because they never got the chance.

I know God has a plan, His reasons are far superior to mine and my limited knowledge, and I rest in that. But it doesn't stop the pain. Loss still hurts.

But we have hope...we will see her again. I just wish it were today.

But alas, today is just another day. And here I still sit with no shower...and no immediate plans for one. I just picked up my baby boy and am trying to type while holding him close, in an effort to calm my hurting soul and rejoice for what I have been given. He is so precious. I love him more than I can say...

He fell asleep in my arms. Sometimes looking at Rigg I am reminded of how much babies need someone to take care of them. They are totally dependant upon others to get through the day. This is how we should look to Jesus, with a child-like faith...a faith that needs Him just to get through the day. Today I lean heavily upon my Savior, as I should everyday. Today I need Him just to get through. Today I feel His comfort through the promise of His word. This to shall pass. It is temporary, He will come again. I can feel safe in His arms, the way my baby feels safe in mine.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18
16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.

12 comments:

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

I have been very good lately when reading your blogs, but today the tears welled up.

It's okay to be unmotivated. We'll all love you just the same no matter how much you blog. :)


rusles

Krista said...

what a great reminder! thanks for sharing that verse... and thanks for showing us a little bit of a day in the life of Cari!
still prayin' for you! Rigg is just too precious! I wish I could hold him & hug him, and give you a hug too! =) enjoy every moment with him! And Andy too! Oh, and that's great that he'll get to drive soon! WOOHOO! =)

Elizabeth said...

OK. Now everyone who wonders why I still bawl my eyes when I play Caden's funeral songs at church should understand after reading this post.

Just Me - The Champion said...

Cari,

Wow Caden's video is so cute! What a beautiful baby girl. I've been looking for your post. Looking forward to hearing your heart. I appreciate your honesty... and learn from it. I am praying for you in all of it. I am glad Big Rigg is getting bigger and his jaundice is gone. I am happy that Captain can drive soon. How great that will feel for him. Please remember this... you are the King of King's daughter. God loves you so much and wants you to be comforted. Please walk in that today girlfriend. peace. - jen

oneblessedmama said...

I have been praying that your 2 babies would be night and day different so that you COULD appreciate them for WHO they are, and love them differently, yet with all your heart. God DOES know what you two needed and praise Him for giving it! He is good! :-)

Ashley said...

What a beautiful post... Caden was such a darling little girl. Rigg is absolutely handsome! You guys make beautiful babies. :) I wish you incredible joy in these early days of Rigg's life as you continue to get to know him and love him. You sound like such a great mom and wife. Also, go easy on yourself as you try to shed the baby weight! I think you look great - you have a quality about you (in your pictures) that shows the depth of your beauty. Wishing you all the best... and praying for your sweet family...
Ashley

Princess Heather said...

Like you Cari, I have been unmotived to blog. It must be in the air! Rigg is just so stinkin' handsome! And don't worry about having a child the size of a baby walrus...I have one (Mack) and the only problem is they are harder to tote around in your arms sooner! Take care!
Heather

Stacey said...

Glad to hear you are working on the nursing. haha...I loved the shout out in your blog. Made me smile. You make me smile. And your baby boy makes me smile. And your sweet baby girl makes me smile. What precious little ones God has given you. I'll be calling to check in on you soon!

Psalm112 said...

How cool that he gets to drive at three months. I have to be at 6 mos., but of course, I've not made it more than 7 days. So, I've still got a ways to go....

Rigg is adorable and I want to snuggle with him. Such a cutie!! I'm excited about the joy your kiddos will have in hearing beautiful stories about their big sis, Caden. I can just hear them, "Mommy, mommy, tell us the one again about her screaming and making the window panes shake!!!!"

Nelle said...

I read your blog but rarely post. I have a friend named Emily who lost her first child at about a year old. She went on to have three daughters. She once told me she felt as though the year after her son's death she went into a deep fog. She said as time went on, the pain lessened and her focus became more on the children who were still with her. I don't know how you find the balance but I know God will lead you there. Rigg is so beautiful. I pray that God will give him a long and beautiful life and that his Daddy will return to complete health.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of the old song that you probably have never heard, "will the circle be unbroken". Here on earth the circle will never be the same. It will always be broken. The holidays, birthdays, always will have an empty spot. I speak from experience. The old song ends that the circle will not be unbroken by and by. Soon we who are in Christ will be reunited and a complete circle again. I am truly so sorry for your grief. I do think that you have the absolutely sweetest looking baby I have seen in a very long time. Oh he is a cuddly looking precious baby.

r- m val said...

thank you for sharing your heart with us. we have a family in our church that just lost a 4 month old baby and sometimes i feel like having read your blog has prepared me in knowing how to be there for them and support them in what they're going through. they have a 3 year old as well and the dad said a few days ago that he's torn as to how to handle it with cooper. wanting him to remember tyler, but wanting to sheild him from the pain of the loss. just know that rigg will not suffer the loss that you have, and yet you can teach him about caden and teach him to love her for who she was to you.

i pray for you each day and i'm thankful that God designed rigg to be who and what you needed.

-m