The last few days I have been plagued with worry, accosted with fear. I know somehow I have let Satan get a foothold on my mind and emotions...but it is something I have had a hard time shaking. Interestingly enough. It is not worry over my son...it is worry over my husband. He has his next MRI scheduled for August 8th and I cannot get it off my mind.
I have had a flashback the last couple of days. It is the same scene. The day he found out about the tumor, or the day after...he had a EEG. As he was in the dimly lit room with the stickies all over his head waiting for the computer to read whatever it reads, I got a call from a very close friend. It was the first time I let myself break down after the news of the tumor. I remember saying " I just can't lose him too." This is the feeling I keep having. I look at him and the same thought goes through my head. I find myself hugging him, holding onto him , thanking God for him...all things I should do anyway, not just out of worry...
I know in my head that this worry is a waste of energy. It is what it is...I cannot change or control this, or anything for that matter...God knows. I rest in Him and His perfect plan. It's just I know His plan is not always pain free. I know He loves me and will always hold me up, but I also know that just because I trust in Him does not mean things will turn out the way I want.
It is hard balancing the idea that God can do whatever He wants...even things that hurt, and be OK with it. (me not God) I am trying...but it is hard. All the "what ifs" get in the way. All the possible scenarios of the what ifs...
It is times like this I realize how incredibly weak I am. The ironic part...I realize I am weak, I KNOW the only source of strength...Christ. The one who has the power to give and take away, and the knowledge of what if perfect for me...
So where does that leave me today. On my knees praying to the one I love and fear and fear to love enough to trust completely with all of me...even my husband...and my son...and even still the loss of Caden, which is still hard to bear. Her death makes me realize I can trust God. Even in the pain.
I feel like I am rambling and making no coherent thoughts...oh well, this writing is more for me than you today I suppose. If I could, I would love to ask you to pray for me today...I am in need.
If you have any verses to pass along I would love those also. I know a friend who will say Isaiah 26:3. I will say 1 Peter 5:10...the captain would quote Matthew to me (not the whole book! wouldn't he be a stud!)
Life is weighing me down today. Worry is something new and unknown to me...I do not want fear as a companion. Thank you in advance for your prayers. For me as well as the captain and our son.
Now I am off to shower and then shop for a bridesmaids dress for my sisters wedding...another thing you can pray about...shopping for a dress 3 weeks after having a baby...another worry in and of it's self!