Monday, July 13, 2009

plagued and accosted

The last few days I have been plagued with worry, accosted with fear. I know somehow I have let Satan get a foothold on my mind and emotions...but it is something I have had a hard time shaking. Interestingly enough. It is not worry over my son...it is worry over my husband. He has his next MRI scheduled for August 8th and I cannot get it off my mind.

I have had a flashback the last couple of days. It is the same scene. The day he found out about the tumor, or the day after...he had a EEG. As he was in the dimly lit room with the stickies all over his head waiting for the computer to read whatever it reads, I got a call from a very close friend. It was the first time I let myself break down after the news of the tumor. I remember saying " I just can't lose him too." This is the feeling I keep having. I look at him and the same thought goes through my head. I find myself hugging him, holding onto him , thanking God for him...all things I should do anyway, not just out of worry...

I know in my head that this worry is a waste of energy. It is what it is...I cannot change or control this, or anything for that matter...God knows. I rest in Him and His perfect plan. It's just I know His plan is not always pain free. I know He loves me and will always hold me up, but I also know that just because I trust in Him does not mean things will turn out the way I want.

It is hard balancing the idea that God can do whatever He wants...even things that hurt, and be OK with it. (me not God) I am trying...but it is hard. All the "what ifs" get in the way. All the possible scenarios of the what ifs...

It is times like this I realize how incredibly weak I am. The ironic part...I realize I am weak, I KNOW the only source of strength...Christ. The one who has the power to give and take away, and the knowledge of what if perfect for me...

So where does that leave me today. On my knees praying to the one I love and fear and fear to love enough to trust completely with all of me...even my husband...and my son...and even still the loss of Caden, which is still hard to bear. Her death makes me realize I can trust God. Even in the pain.

I feel like I am rambling and making no coherent thoughts...oh well, this writing is more for me than you today I suppose. If I could, I would love to ask you to pray for me today...I am in need.
for peace
for trust
for rest

If you have any verses to pass along I would love those also. I know a friend who will say Isaiah 26:3. I will say 1 Peter 5:10...the captain would quote Matthew to me (not the whole book! wouldn't he be a stud!)

Life is weighing me down today. Worry is something new and unknown to me...I do not want fear as a companion. Thank you in advance for your prayers. For me as well as the captain and our son.

Now I am off to shower and then shop for a bridesmaids dress for my sisters wedding...another thing you can pray about...shopping for a dress 3 weeks after having a baby...another worry in and of it's self!

16 comments:

Psalm112 said...

I was just there a couple days ago. Ben has been cancer FREE for over two years now, but his visit at MD Anderson was this last week. He kept telling me that he knew he was fine, but as a wife, I selfishly want him forever and cancer is scary. I was sitting in the docs office writing a post about a friend's eight year old boy that was in the hospital dying of cancer when the doc told us Ben was still cancer free. I can't begin to explain the emotions and the many tears I shed that day. Tears of joy that my hubby is still cancer free. Tears of heartache that our friend lost their son that afternoon.

All I can say is, trust HIM. Though I don't do it well, I know it is the answer.

Kelley said...

I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned....For I am the Lord your God. Isaiah 43:1-3

I have only been following your blog for a short time. To be honest, I'm not sure how I found it. It was during the time that your husband was in the hospital. I have prayed for you all and will continue to do so.

By the way, that Rigg is some kinda CUTE !!!!

Sallye said...

Colossians 1:13 He has delivered us from the power of darnkess and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love.

Deuteronomy 1:31 'and in the wilderness where you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a man carries his son, in all the way that you went until you came to this place.'

I could quote good ole Timothy at you, but I won't.

Just know that God is carrying you. That He understands this worry/fear, because we are human. It's in this valley that you will find the strength in His arms to carry you.

Praying for you, that God will lead you to the perfect dress while you are out shopping, and that it will just make your day.
Believing that He will take this worry/fear from you, and give you the peace that surpasses all understanding. Abide in the kingdom of the Son of His love.

Sallye

Elizabeth said...

I can't get it off my mind either...the last week or so. The anticipation and worry. More so than I usually do, because as you know I am never worry free : ) I've had no appetite and just a feeling terrible anxiety. I hate it. Maybe it's because of the chemo, and it making him so sick and tired. Faith and fear cannot coexist......

brittany said...

Cari-

DISCLAIMER: LONG COMMENT AHEAD!!!I've been reading your blog since the time you and Andy found out about the tumor. I have laughed, I have cried, I have rejoiced, I have prayed for and with someone I don't even know. Someone I am 1000 miles from - I don't know that for sure... I'm no good with mileage! I know I'm in Oklahoma! :) BUT have never commented.

Anyway, I come to you from a position of currently fighting fear, worry, and anxiety - the enemy. Satan has been trying hard to get to me and I have let him, by not taking my thoughts captive and resting in my Father's arms. This is not an easy journey, but I BELIEVE that it's almost over... for me and for you! The verse that I have been firmly planted on the last few days is Psalm 62:6, "The Lord is my Rock and my Salvation. He is my Stronghold; I will not be shaken." My sweet husband made me a playlist for my iPod titled Ps. 62:6 with songs I can listen to when I'm feeling afraid. Shane and Shane have a song called Psalm 62... AMAZING! Actively learning to "captivate" my thoughts. Gosh, it's not easy!!!

Stay encouraged. That's what is hardest for me... the "what ifs", the discouragement. I know that My Jesus will wrap me in his arms. He is my protector. He is my Salvation. Please know you are not alone!

This is just off the cuff, so I hope it helps a bit. You're not alone on this journey. You have such a beautiful family (inside and out) and a handsome baby boy who looks exactly like his daddy! That's a little weird to say to someone you don't know! ha ha ha!

Suzanne Boerio said...

Sending this along with a prayer for peace...
Romans 11:33-36
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor?
Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all
things.
To Him be the glory forever? Amen
Cari, you are still my hero!

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

Well, I do love Phillipians 4 so here are the verses that I am praying for you and do pray for you often:
Phil. 4:6-9
6. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
7. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
9. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you
And I always love John 16:33 -
These things I have spoken unto you that in me ye might have peace; in the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer I have overcome the world (KJV from memory so hopefully it is correct).
Love you all and I will be praying for you this week and the weeks to come.

Krista said...

i don't have many words right now, so instead i'll pray!
much love!
~krista

Kylee said...

I know how worry can overtake you. I am keeping you in my prayers.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:5-6 New Living Translation

Anonymous said...

ps 42 (the message) i'm on a diet of tears-tears for breakfast, tears for supper. all day long people knock on my door, pestering, "where is this God of yours?" these things i go over and over,emptying out the pockets of my life.why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? why are you crying? fix my eyes on God-soon i'll be praising again. he puts a smile on my face. he's my God. no matter what we face, he is still our God. he understands our weakness. my prayers as always are with you and andy. luv aunt di.

oneblessedmama said...

Psalm 94:19 When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, your consolations delight my soul.

On the day I called you answered me, you made me bold with strength in my soul.
Psalm 139:3
Praying for you right now!

Emily said...

I have been fighting the exact battle...trying to give my worries and fears to the Lord - and at the same time, to stay firm in my faith. The Creator has shown His character to me (as He has you) over my life, yet - I still struggle with accepting the unknown. I feel like such a little lamb...scared and lost, listening for the Shepherd's voice.
Several verses have been a real source of strength and I hope they are the same for you:
Luke 12:22-23--
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes."

James 1:2-3--
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

Deut. 32:4--
"He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He."

Anonymous said...

Luv u babe!

Dana said...

Just wanted to tell you that I have been following your blog for quite some time and you are very inspiring to me. I wish you and your family many years of happiness to come.... Rigg is gorgeous...

julie said...

I like a good a promise to hold on to: Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall.

Throw it up there like donut day my friend.

I miss you terribly when you have your hard days. It's a good reminder to pray for you though. Let me know what dress you went with. If it's encouraging you can't go wrong with any of them..they are all beautiful!

Shijo George said...

Through Mrs. Damdar up there, I had the opportunity of reading your blog. It really hit me because, although I don't know exactly what you're going through, I felt like I understood everything you said. Anytime I struggle with worry, and in turn, struggling with worrying about worrying, I hold on to Romans 8, "we are more than conquerors". And then to Psalm 46, to not fear even when the worst things happen, not because eventually it'll end, but because God is so big and so great and is above all our those things. The same God that holds the universe, holds you and your family - hold on to hope.

You're blog is really encouraging, thank you so much for that. I'll definitely pray for you today.