I feel weighed down today.
I have been sitting in front of my computer screen crying for the last few minutes, heck, maybe more than a few...I am not keeping count.
Lately, I have been looking at pictures of my daughter trying to remember. Her smile, her laugh, her smell, the crazy way her hair grew, the fat chubs around her wrists and ankles...it is almost there. Like a word or name that is on the tip of your tongue but you just can't conjure it up completely. The memories are there, I just can't get a firm grasp on them. Even looking at pictures, she seems like a dream, or a movie I once watched over and over until I could quote the lines to you. I keep telling myself…she was really here. She was real. She was beautiful…she was yours.
It seems wrong and backwards to have to get a grip on the reality of her being here as opposed to her being gone. Shouldn’t I be asking why she is gone, why she is not here?
Instead I sit and gaze at her angelic face surrounded by wooden frames and try to remember her presence.
I see the children of my friends…friends I love and have loved for years, growing up, learning to walk and talk. I see these precious little faces smile and see the wonder of new things, and I feel a little pang of jealousy mixed with joy because I never got to see Caden do those things, and I never will, but I get to experience it with their kids…whom I love more than I can say.
I find myself wanting to shield Andy from fathers with their little girls while we are out running errands. I do not want him to see, because if it hurts me, than it must hurt him. Looking at a daddy holding his baby girls hand, helping her walk or pick out a toy…he never got to do that. If I am thinking it…what must he be thinking? It is stupid of me, really, wanting to protect him…you would think I would want to shield myself, but I never think of that, just of him and what he has lost.
I still get a tight knot in my stomach when we are out and about and people start asking about Rigg. How old? How is he sleeping? Is he a good baby? Is he your first? How old is your other child…awkward, pity and sadness in their eyes…I still have not gotten used to it, I probably never will.
As I sit and think of all of these thoughts and feelings, the one thing I keep coming back to is…I am not the only one…life is hard, it hurts everyone in some way or another. That doesn’t make it OK or hurt any less…but it helps me to not wallow in my pain and hurt, it helps me to feel the emotions and grief, and then press on. Moving onward in a steady forward motion…even when I feel like laying down and giving in.
Emotions are strange things. Even when your head says one thing your emotions will stand up and shout and scream in the opposite direction. I guess this is a perfect time to use the phrase “reign in your emotions”. Not to blot them out, but to acknowledge them for what they are, my feelings…not the truth.
I feel like Caden was a dream…truth says she was real.
I feel cheated because she is gone so soon…truth says she was a gift all the days she was here.
I feel immeasurable pain that I have to live without her…truth says I will see her again.
I feel like no one understands…truth says the God of the universe gave up His son…truth says He knows exactly what I am feeling.
So today I choose to stand upon truth and not how I feel. It is the only way I will make it through today…by trusting Gods word, not Cari’s words, thoughts or feelings.
She is so unpredictable anyway…