Monday, July 27, 2009

nothing more than feelings

I feel weighed down today.
I have been sitting in front of my computer screen crying for the last few minutes, heck, maybe more than a few...I am not keeping count.
Lately, I have been looking at pictures of my daughter trying to remember. Her smile, her laugh, her smell, the crazy way her hair grew, the fat chubs around her wrists and ankles...it is almost there. Like a word or name that is on the tip of your tongue but you just can't conjure it up completely. The memories are there, I just can't get a firm grasp on them. Even looking at pictures, she seems like a dream, or a movie I once watched over and over until I could quote the lines to you. I keep telling myself…she was really here. She was real. She was beautiful…she was yours.
It seems wrong and backwards to have to get a grip on the reality of her being here as opposed to her being gone. Shouldn’t I be asking why she is gone, why she is not here?
Instead I sit and gaze at her angelic face surrounded by wooden frames and try to remember her presence.
I see the children of my friends…friends I love and have loved for years, growing up, learning to walk and talk. I see these precious little faces smile and see the wonder of new things, and I feel a little pang of jealousy mixed with joy because I never got to see Caden do those things, and I never will, but I get to experience it with their kids…whom I love more than I can say.
I find myself wanting to shield Andy from fathers with their little girls while we are out running errands. I do not want him to see, because if it hurts me, than it must hurt him. Looking at a daddy holding his baby girls hand, helping her walk or pick out a toy…he never got to do that. If I am thinking it…what must he be thinking? It is stupid of me, really, wanting to protect him…you would think I would want to shield myself, but I never think of that, just of him and what he has lost.
I still get a tight knot in my stomach when we are out and about and people start asking about Rigg. How old? How is he sleeping? Is he a good baby? Is he your first? How old is your other child…awkward, pity and sadness in their eyes…I still have not gotten used to it, I probably never will.
As I sit and think of all of these thoughts and feelings, the one thing I keep coming back to is…I am not the only one…life is hard, it hurts everyone in some way or another. That doesn’t make it OK or hurt any less…but it helps me to not wallow in my pain and hurt, it helps me to feel the emotions and grief, and then press on. Moving onward in a steady forward motion…even when I feel like laying down and giving in.
Emotions are strange things. Even when your head says one thing your emotions will stand up and shout and scream in the opposite direction. I guess this is a perfect time to use the phrase “reign in your emotions”. Not to blot them out, but to acknowledge them for what they are, my feelings…not the truth.
I feel like Caden was a dream…truth says she was real.
I feel cheated because she is gone so soon…truth says she was a gift all the days she was here.
I feel immeasurable pain that I have to live without her…truth says I will see her again.
I feel like no one understands…truth says the God of the universe gave up His son…truth says He knows exactly what I am feeling.
So today I choose to stand upon truth and not how I feel. It is the only way I will make it through today…by trusting Gods word, not Cari’s words, thoughts or feelings.
She is so unpredictable anyway…

14 comments:

Lindsay ( South Africa ) said...

I'll pray for you today.
God Bless, Lindsay

Anonymous said...

I love u Cari. From the Captain.

Princess Heather said...

I'm praying for you Cari.

Stacey said...

Cari, I am so sorry. I pray for you often and know that the joy you feel for Rigg bring sorrow for Caden. I know that gap will never filled in your heart but I pray it will get easier to carry with you. Praying for your family...

Heidi @ Indy Photography said...

If you feel silly for thinking only of Andy, then I feel VERY silly for thinking only of you sometimes. Since Reagan is a little delayed in her speaking/walking/etc. I can't help but think that she and Caden would have been at the same pace of life right now. Sometimes I see Reagan and think of you. And precious Caden. I feel ridiculous that I still cry when I'm driving down the road and hear a song that makes me think of your sorrow. But at the same time, I'm grateful that God allows me to grieve with others. After all, that's what He calls us to do in this situation, right?

Usually I just cry on the inside when I think of Caden, but after reading this post, I'm crying on the outside too.

I love you, Cari. I'm praying for you today.

Just Me - The Champion said...

Cari,
I am so praying for you today. I am crying as I type because I can only imagine how hard some days must be. What you are doing, looking at pictures remembering her... loving her when she is not here physically is so good. You have to allow yourself to do that. You and the Captain are amazing parents... I am sad, mad and angry for you. I pray that your "good days" are more in number than those tough days. I pray that God give you amazing dreams for and about your baby girl. So she is with you always. I pray that Captain be completely healed. I am praying... praying hard. peace girlfriend, jen

Lauren said...

I am praying for you. Thank you so much for your words, they touched me right where I needed them today.
In His Love,
Lauren

Penny said...

My heart breaks for you. I'm sure that as much as every ounce of you is thankful for that baby boy, every ounce of you is missing your daughter. That is sad beyond words. Again, I am SO sorry. I pray God's comfort and peace will flood your home and yours and Andy's heart.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry I didn't check your blog yesterday so I could have loved on you in person. I was having and Aaron moment since I haven't seen him in 7 months, and it turned into a Caden moment as her sweet little face popped up more than usual on my computer screen. I cried for you both and the ache that I know is in your mama heart. I pray this morning that the ache subsides and God replaces it with a sweet peace. I love you sweetie. b

julie said...

As I was driving to work this morning "blessed be your name" came on the radio...that song has never been the same for me since Caden's funeral...so as I drove down the road I drifted into thought of you and Andy and Caden. Struggling to imagine that we are coming up to a year since her home-going...so I spent the rest of my drive praying for you. Love you and miss you.

Anonymous said...

Cari, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and your family. I hope things are going well. Everytime I read your blog, it touches me so much! You have a special gift from God and you use it very well. I will be praying for you and I hope to see you at bible study in a few months.

Jenny Myers

Kathy said...

I wish I knew you in person so that some of you could rub off on me.

Beck said...

Love you sweet and tender honesty and vulnerability. Wish I knew you...wish I could have known Caden.

But then again - I will! Keep sharing...

The Pearl said...

I decided to catch up on your blog. I just know my husband is going to come into the living room at any moment and wonder why the heck I have tears and snot all over my face (he just did!). I don't really have anything to say Cari. I'm feeling your words deeply. I agree that the truth of the Almighty God is the only comfort. Praying for you sister.