reroute

So yesterday...being the magical day of of rain, sunshine, rain that it was, was also a day of memories...well in a photo-printed-on-paper kinda way...you know, the, now we will always remember him at 6 weeks, kinda memory.
Heidi, over at Indy Photography did a bang up job on the pics. Rigg was resplendent in all kinds of hats and angelic in slumber. Please reroute yourself over to her lovely photo blog to see some examples...like this!

Thanks Heidi...we had a wonderful time...Rigg told me later that your blankets were super soft and comfy...just the way he likes 'em! Oh, and your house was plenty warm.

How do I tell him?

A long, long time ago, in a far away land, a princess had a chance meeting with a boy. He was handsome and charming. They sat and talked about life and what they wanted from it. Then it began to rain, and the princess knew she must leave. Later, after the wet clothes were long gone and the rain had all but soaked the countryside, the princess thought often of the young man, his face, his voice and his dreams. Little did she know she was as much a part of his future as he was of hers...

OK, so it was not that long ago...about 6 years and, well, not a prince and princess, per se, but me and the Captain...and not a far away land, necessarily, but 3 hours south of home...and not a chance meeting, we were staying with friends, and actually, went down together...but the rest of it is true...

So the summer we went on the mission trip to Bulgaria (and yes for whoever asked, it was Sofia) we went on a weekend trip to a friends house...about 10 of us. One evening, I was swimming in the pool, trying to persuade the Captain to join me, but he has this thing about swimming in pools, well a thing about swim wear actually, which I still do not understand...I digress. Anyhoo...we were chatting and talking about life...as you might recall from an earlier post, I had just broken up with a very serious, long time boyfriend...so I was rather intrigued with where God and my life would take me...because it, life, had changed so dramatically in such a short period of time. During the course of our musings, the Captain said something that I have recalled many a time over the last few years. I am sure of all the things the Captain has said to me, many of which he would be delighted if I could but conjure up at the appropriate occasion, this is not one he might remember...but I do. I think because I had never heard anyone say it. Most people, when talking about life, want something fantastic, they want fortune, or fame or, well, something extraordinary. But the Captain told me, when he thinks about what he wants for his life, he wants to "be an average Joe". He went on to explain that he did not want fortune or fame, but what he wanted was a close relationship with Christ. A solid marriage, to be a good dad to his kids and a loyal friend...to work a steady job, pay all his bills on time and "not stand out".

Since that conversation, I have fallen in love and married the Captain. And I have replayed that conversation in my head multiple times since.

The first time I really screwed up after we were married, and he immediately forgave me...and I thought... How do I tell him?

All the times he sent me flowers to work for no reason at all...and made all the other women green with envy...how do I tell him?

When he let me buy a dress just because " it called to me" even though he had to sacrifice something he might have "needed"...how do I tell him?

When I told him he was going to be a daddy for the first time and he raised a triumphant fist in the air...how do I tell him?

When he loved and kissed on his baby girl...how do I tell him?

When she died, all too soon...and he cried, and yet, was still a rock for me...how do I tell him?

When we got pregnant again and he smiled and cried at the good news...How do I tell him?

When he was told he had a brain tumor, and when asked if he was scared, his response was, only for me and what I was going to have to go through...how do I tell him?

When he had to work really hard to recover from surgery, and he never complained...how do I tell him?

When he held his son for the first time and thanked Jesus for a healthy baby boy...how do I tell him?

When he sits alone every morning with his coffee and his bible...how do I tell him?

When he comes home from work every day, tired, and still does the dishes or mows the lawn...how do I tell him?

How do I tell him that he left average in the dust a long time ago...

nothing more than feelings

I feel weighed down today.
I have been sitting in front of my computer screen crying for the last few minutes, heck, maybe more than a few...I am not keeping count.
Lately, I have been looking at pictures of my daughter trying to remember. Her smile, her laugh, her smell, the crazy way her hair grew, the fat chubs around her wrists and ankles...it is almost there. Like a word or name that is on the tip of your tongue but you just can't conjure it up completely. The memories are there, I just can't get a firm grasp on them. Even looking at pictures, she seems like a dream, or a movie I once watched over and over until I could quote the lines to you. I keep telling myself…she was really here. She was real. She was beautiful…she was yours.
It seems wrong and backwards to have to get a grip on the reality of her being here as opposed to her being gone. Shouldn’t I be asking why she is gone, why she is not here?
Instead I sit and gaze at her angelic face surrounded by wooden frames and try to remember her presence.
I see the children of my friends…friends I love and have loved for years, growing up, learning to walk and talk. I see these precious little faces smile and see the wonder of new things, and I feel a little pang of jealousy mixed with joy because I never got to see Caden do those things, and I never will, but I get to experience it with their kids…whom I love more than I can say.
I find myself wanting to shield Andy from fathers with their little girls while we are out running errands. I do not want him to see, because if it hurts me, than it must hurt him. Looking at a daddy holding his baby girls hand, helping her walk or pick out a toy…he never got to do that. If I am thinking it…what must he be thinking? It is stupid of me, really, wanting to protect him…you would think I would want to shield myself, but I never think of that, just of him and what he has lost.
I still get a tight knot in my stomach when we are out and about and people start asking about Rigg. How old? How is he sleeping? Is he a good baby? Is he your first? How old is your other child…awkward, pity and sadness in their eyes…I still have not gotten used to it, I probably never will.
As I sit and think of all of these thoughts and feelings, the one thing I keep coming back to is…I am not the only one…life is hard, it hurts everyone in some way or another. That doesn’t make it OK or hurt any less…but it helps me to not wallow in my pain and hurt, it helps me to feel the emotions and grief, and then press on. Moving onward in a steady forward motion…even when I feel like laying down and giving in.
Emotions are strange things. Even when your head says one thing your emotions will stand up and shout and scream in the opposite direction. I guess this is a perfect time to use the phrase “reign in your emotions”. Not to blot them out, but to acknowledge them for what they are, my feelings…not the truth.
I feel like Caden was a dream…truth says she was real.
I feel cheated because she is gone so soon…truth says she was a gift all the days she was here.
I feel immeasurable pain that I have to live without her…truth says I will see her again.
I feel like no one understands…truth says the God of the universe gave up His son…truth says He knows exactly what I am feeling.
So today I choose to stand upon truth and not how I feel. It is the only way I will make it through today…by trusting Gods word, not Cari’s words, thoughts or feelings.
She is so unpredictable anyway…

Let's hear it for the boys

How much more

We had weeds. Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad weeds...
(I had to steal the line...I just love it! It is from one of my favorite children's books Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, no good, very bad day...I digress.)
They were more like a new ground covering really. They were all spider webbed together and locked into the ground in multiple places. They were taking over the front lawn and completely hiding all signs of the nice mulch we purchased earlier this season.
So we pulled, we raked, we yanked, we dug and we scooped until they were no more...or at least less then they once were. Andy put down some weed killer and then put new mulch over the top...now our front lawn looks gorgeous, or at least not like a weed patch anymore, which to me is gorgeous.

I hung out with a friend this morning, we chatted, or tried to while we took care of our children. I however, had to leave long before I was done playing so I could get home and clean my house (which I should be doing now....ahem) On the way home the Jeremy Camp song came on the radio...the one I love so much because it is the song of my heart so many days...the one that plays first on this blog. Well one line in the song stood out to me today, the line that states "for the beauty that's in store outweighs the hurt of life's sting." I love that line because within it lies my hope. Life has stung these past few months and the throb of the sting will last forever...that is forever on this earth, but what awaits me is far superior and worth holding out for.

It got me thinking about things we do in this life that hurt because the result will be fabulous and worth the pain.

I thought of a few vain things, like piercing your ears. I remember really wanting to get my ears pierced as a child...my dad made me wait til I was 8. I looked forward to it and feared it just as much. The needle was friends and foe alike...but I knew the beauty of those earrings would far outweigh the pain of getting them in!
I also thought of people who diet...I say that because I have never really dieted in my life..I have cut back, but I have always eaten junk in some form. But there are those who have more will power than myself and can give up the chocolate and the ice cream because they know what awaits them at the end is a slimmer figure.
Then I thought of not so vain things like bringing a child into this world. We as mothers know it will be painful, just carrying them at times hurts like the dickens, but in the end, the wonderful sweetness that is your baby wipes away all the memories of the pain. (or should at least for a few days.)
Raising a child is the same way. Disciplining them is hard work and is ugly at times, but seeing them make good decisions without a word from you is priceless and worth all the "no's".
Our weeding was the same thing...it stinks to weed. It hurts sometimes...more so the next day, but the end result is a beautiful garden, or front lawn in our case.

These thoughts made me think if things, that we do ourselves, for ourselves are nice and we think of the end result as beautiful and worth it, how much more so the ending God has in store for those that are His children. Sure, the sting is more painful than weeding or getting a hole punched in your ear, but if we think a pretty garden or stones that sparkle when we shake our head is worth it....I cannot wait to see what God has for me.

The next line in the song says "So I hold on to this hope, and the promise that He brings, there will be a day with no more suffering. There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face."

And there it is folks. The beauty that awaits us and far outweighs the hurt of this life's sting. Jesus, face to face with our savior. Heaven. No more pain, tears or fears. And for me, seeing my baby girl once more.

If so many little things in this life are worth it...how much more will God give when we walk where He has planned?

Just a thought.

The Dress

Just in case you were wondering which dress I picked for my sister's wedding in 6 weeks...or is it 5? Hummm...need to see a calendar. I was also not the one in the picture...I know you might have thought so seeing as she is so skinny and lovely, just like me. But, alas, you would be wrong...I picked this dress because I looked less like a cow in it then all the others. As I told Andy, I feel huge in everything, I just felt a "nicely dressed" huge in this. So style D19352 it is! In a nice latte color to boot! No worries. I got a size larger than needed so it can be altered to fit (that and it was not available in the actual size I needed...but hey who needs a dress to fit right without paying an arm and leg for alterations anyway, right?) That and I will be jam packed into a tummy-tucker-inner thingy and what-not anyway....there is no way I am showing up for pictures not trussed up like a turkey, these are pictures that will be posted around my mothers house....where I make my presence known about 2 times a week....I am going to have to see these pictures bi-weekly people...I am even pulling out the self-tanner (WHOA! watch out!) and the "extra-hair" I may be a a size or two plumper than my norm...but I will look smashing...or something similar. Thankyouverymuch!

Uncovered, dug up and unveiled

Because I know you are tired of seeing the same pics over and over...here are some pics I found that never made it to the blog...mostly because they are/were on my parents camera. Just so you know...they are random, but I will try to explain as they go. This is me, hugely prego with Rigg...

Me and Andy 2 days after his surgery.

Andy leaving the hospital after surgery.

Me, showing everyone how many centimeters I am...
No pictures please.

Oh, my! This sleeping and pooping all day will wear a boy out!

Rigg and Grandpa

Rigg and Mimi

And just Rigg...

Hope you have enjoyed!

Tuesdays of Praise

Today I praise the only One who can give life...the physical as well as the spiritual, that we may live it abundantly!

plagued and accosted

The last few days I have been plagued with worry, accosted with fear. I know somehow I have let Satan get a foothold on my mind and emotions...but it is something I have had a hard time shaking. Interestingly enough. It is not worry over my son...it is worry over my husband. He has his next MRI scheduled for August 8th and I cannot get it off my mind.

I have had a flashback the last couple of days. It is the same scene. The day he found out about the tumor, or the day after...he had a EEG. As he was in the dimly lit room with the stickies all over his head waiting for the computer to read whatever it reads, I got a call from a very close friend. It was the first time I let myself break down after the news of the tumor. I remember saying " I just can't lose him too." This is the feeling I keep having. I look at him and the same thought goes through my head. I find myself hugging him, holding onto him , thanking God for him...all things I should do anyway, not just out of worry...

I know in my head that this worry is a waste of energy. It is what it is...I cannot change or control this, or anything for that matter...God knows. I rest in Him and His perfect plan. It's just I know His plan is not always pain free. I know He loves me and will always hold me up, but I also know that just because I trust in Him does not mean things will turn out the way I want.

It is hard balancing the idea that God can do whatever He wants...even things that hurt, and be OK with it. (me not God) I am trying...but it is hard. All the "what ifs" get in the way. All the possible scenarios of the what ifs...

It is times like this I realize how incredibly weak I am. The ironic part...I realize I am weak, I KNOW the only source of strength...Christ. The one who has the power to give and take away, and the knowledge of what if perfect for me...

So where does that leave me today. On my knees praying to the one I love and fear and fear to love enough to trust completely with all of me...even my husband...and my son...and even still the loss of Caden, which is still hard to bear. Her death makes me realize I can trust God. Even in the pain.

I feel like I am rambling and making no coherent thoughts...oh well, this writing is more for me than you today I suppose. If I could, I would love to ask you to pray for me today...I am in need.
for peace
for trust
for rest

If you have any verses to pass along I would love those also. I know a friend who will say Isaiah 26:3. I will say 1 Peter 5:10...the captain would quote Matthew to me (not the whole book! wouldn't he be a stud!)

Life is weighing me down today. Worry is something new and unknown to me...I do not want fear as a companion. Thank you in advance for your prayers. For me as well as the captain and our son.

Now I am off to shower and then shop for a bridesmaids dress for my sisters wedding...another thing you can pray about...shopping for a dress 3 weeks after having a baby...another worry in and of it's self!

Because it's been days and days

Since you have seen Rigg that is...so just for you, because I am nice like that...

Thanks Auntie Jennie and Uncle Nick!!! We love the blanket!

Anyone know how to get little pilly fuzzies off knit pieces, like a sweater or favorite brown and white baby blanket??? I just washed it and now it is pilled and fuzzy...any suggestions?