A couple of weeks ago I took a vacation... just me. No kids. No Captain.
It was great.
I went to visit my sweet, amazing friend Julie and her family in New York.
You might recall, if you have been reading this blog for awhile, that the last time I ventured into Julie's neck of the woods, a part of a New York mall ceiling fell on my head.
No such injuries occurred on this trip.
I was able to hang with Julie, Sherwin and their kiddos... and sleep in, and drink an obscene amount of coffee... and go shopping, and eat out and drink coffee... hot coffee. Go on long walks in the gorgeous New York fall weather! Have really good conversation about God and how I am processing my life...
Did I mention the coffee?
Her kiddos are the cutest... and I was there for Miss M's birthday!
It was a really great relaxing visit. A nice trip away from my joyful/stressful every day.
And I got to ride on a plane which always makes me feel grown up and like I am going on a big adventure....
I don't get out much.
When I got home the Captain was not feeling so hot... in fact.. he was feeling downright terrible.
So the very day I returned home I scheduled a doctor's appointment... which we didn't keep because Andy's condition was deteriorating so rapidly we opted for the ER instead.
Once in the ER the Captain became so lethargic and practically unresponsive that they had to help him into a wheel chair to get to triage... then they discovered that his blood pressure was low.
like 77/43 and dropping fast.
So they quite quickly zoomed him into the big boy crash cart room where many, many lovely people with much purpose attended to him.
After a few scary minutes, and two bags of rapidly administered fluid, he started to reach normal again. Because the cause for such a speedy drop in BP was not known, he was then admitted.
I took the advantage of his admission to speak about any and all symptoms/problems/inquiries involving the Captain's health. They ran test after test and found nothing... everything came back normal.
Which is such a HUGE blessing... but I would be lying if I said I was not disappointed. I really wanted an answer as to why he has been feeling SO terrible for so long.
I am aware that he has brain cancer... but somehow that was not a good enough answer for me...
However, that is the answer we left with... the nature of the beast is he wont feel well.
I was unhappy. I just feel like 4 hours of awake time/ up out of bed time during the day was on the low side of things... He always feels bad... no energy, out of breath, no color...
So when it was time to see the oncologist again, I brought it up again... she ordered a chest CT. turns out... the Captain has many small blood clots in his lungs.
A gift from his tumor.
The kind of evil tumor growing in the Captain's head produces blood clots in it's victims...
So now... we have an answer to why he is feeling so poorly... and the Captain has to shoot himself twice a day with blood thinner... another drug to add to the arsenal against this cancer.
We are thankful for answers, super thankful there is a plan and something we can do about it.
But sad and frustrated that the list of drugs and things just keep coming.
It's hard to be content in hard situations. I want to be, because that is what God wants me to be... content. But I fight against it... I struggle to be 100% OK with all the drugs, hospital stays, infusions, tumors, confusion, fatigue, lack of energy, lack of conversation... lack of Andy...
I want what I don't have.
But we all struggle with that, don't we. Wanting what we don't have... being content with what God has given us, when we desire more... or less... or different...
My prayer, along with a constant prayer for the Captains healing... is God's will be done, with the Captain, with how our lives look and are walked out...with my heart.
Which means, lately, I have been praying that God helps me be content with what He has given.
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
So I count my blessings and I strive to focus on Christ.
Because I may not know what my future holds, but I know who my God is.
and I know He can be trusted.