Captured

There is a lot going on.

And absolutely nothing going on.

I have been mulling over some things in my mind.  God and I are having some interesting convo's. He is showing me things about myself, my faith, that I need to work on...

He is stretching my view of Him.

 He is bigger.

My mind is working on grasping more of His bigness.

I know I'll never get it...how big God really is... but He continues to be faithful, working with me where I am.

BUT TODAY...

Today I want to share with you a new joy in my life.

A little slice of happiness given to me in the past couple of weeks.

NEW FAMILY PICS!!!!

Now is a time in our life that is chaotic, messy, uncertain... and also a time with the joy of littles... having each other around and time to laugh and play together.

It is a strange time... a time we captured with Sarah Hill a few weeks ago.

Sarah is absolutely adorable and SUPER easy to get along with. It was my first time meeting her... and I felt like I had known her for years. She is funny, trendy and way talented. Sarah came over one cloudy morning and spent some time with our family at home. Ryder was a bit off and clingy, turns out he got sick the very next day... Rigg was delightful! Go figure...

If you live in the Indy area and are looking for a great photographer, I suggest you check Sarah out!!

Here are just a few a ton of shots she captured! I love them.

LOVE THEM!!!

I know you will too...enjoy!

Cloudy with a chance of awesome

The Captain had his first MRI post surgery and radiation this past Tuesday.

I'm not gonna lie... I was nervous.

Well, nervous, yes... but mostly emotional.

And slightly twitchy.

It probably showed as I sat alone slightly weepy in the corner of the waiting room. 

I drew a few looks.

I'm not sure why I was so ill at ease. Most likely it has to do with my new mantra, you might recall... one day at a time. So I just pushed the MRI and all MRI related thoughts from my mind until the actual day was upon me. This new motto has it's up and down sides.

We were able to see the Captain's oncologist directly after his scan. 

After waiting hardly at all, she pulled up the pictures for us to see.

And it was really cloudy.

White, filmy, cloudiness  is what we saw in the tumor bed.

The issue with reading a MRI so soon after radiation is the build-up of radiation still left in the tumor bed. Which is expected, normal and a good thing, as the "left over" radiation is still in there and doing it's job. So the cloudiness could indicate scar tissue, tumor activity or radiation... or a mixture of the three. A specialist reads the scan and measures for profusion to see the activity of the tumor.

And we had to wait for that.

So we went home.

and waited.

I finally received a call from the doc. She said that it looked like Andy was negative for profusion.

"What's that mean?" I asked.

She replied that it looks that all the cloudiness in the Captains head seems to be residual radiation.

(she actually didn't use the words "the Captain" she just called him Andy...)

It was the best news we could have received at this time.

We still do not know how much of the tumor remains, how much is dying off or what it really looks like in there... but he will have another MRI in a month. Hopefully all the radiation will have faded by then and we can get a clearer picture of what is going on.

So we wait...

and Andy starts swallowing poison (chemo) 5 nights a month for a year.

My prayer going into this MRI was that we would leave hopeful and encouraged.

God is faithful in answering prayers.

I am both hopeful and encouraged.

I told Andy, even though we do not have a clear picture... and we still do not know what God is going to do, it is a possibility that God has already healed him and we just can't see it yet...

How awesome would that be?!?!?!

BUT...

Before we start speculating and running away with probabilities, we will rest in the expectant hope of God's goodness and power.

And we continue to pray for God's will to prevail.

No matter what that is.

Happening

Life is still happening.

The world is still moving... the sun keeps rising and setting...

and we are still in what seems to be a holding pattern.

Brain cancer, or any cancer I guess, is strange that way.

How do we know if it's getting better or worse?

How do we know what God is doing?

How do we know what our life is going to look like?

These are questions that plague my mind.

These days my life seems a surreal mix of tragic and normalcy.

I find myself praying for HUGE things from God.

Miracles, really.

I plead for complete and total healing for the Captain.

I beg.

I ask for God's will in our lives...

BUT

But please heal him.

Please take this away.

Please don't let this hurt .

Please.

Please give the boys courage and peace

Please give them a love for You that will not waver in pain and hard days.

Please let them grow up with a daddy.

Please.

And we wait.

In our very own, personal holding pattern.

And the days keep coming.

All the normal days filled with stuff that is important, but pales in comparison to what awaits on the fringes.

And I wonder...

What is God's plan?

What is He doing?

It is so hard not to know, to sit patiently and wait.

To live in the here and now and do normal stuff.

When life seems so horribly abnormal.

BUT.

What a gift.

To feel the normal everyday.

To share the little things.

To have time to snuggle and laugh.

To have time to play and do dishes, and fold laundry and run errands.

To have time.

To have time.

To have time.

I'm trying so hard to balance the two sides.

In the meantime, life, this strangely wonderful - blessed gift of a life God has given me, keeps happening.