Friday, September 7, 2012


I've been a bit busy... and lazy.
I have a baby shower to post about... soon.
A post about a trip to the ER... everyone's fine.
And we've had a bad flu bug... trust me, you don't want/need me to post about that.

Mentally and physically I have been spent. And I suppose the stress of our life at the moment is getting to me... and then the ER... and the gross, gross, gross, stomach bug... I have not had a real moment to sit and process that it is already September.

September is a rough month.
I never think it is going to be, then out of nowhere I get overwhelmed with the ache of missing Caden.
September is hard.
and I am always surprised by it.

Today I had one of those out-of-nowhere moments. I cried in public for the first time in I don't know how long. I was swept away with the sorrow of her absence.
All over a silly ice-breaker game.

In a room full of moms, we were asked to stand and move to "this" corner if we have 1 child. "this" corner if we have 2 children... "this" corner if we have 3 and "this" corner if we have more then 3.

I was torn... 2 or 3? I know I have 3 kids, but really, right now, I have 2 boys. And I have told a few of these women that I have just met that I have 2 boys... so which corner...
So I awkwardly stand off to the side of the 2 kid corner, mentally kicking myself for making this into a big issue...
then feeling a bit guilty for not acknowledging Caden...

Then the next question... move to "this" corner if you have all boys, "this" corner if you have all girls and "this" corner if you have a mix.
Well,  if I couldn't make up my mind what to do in the first scenario, you can bet I was now down spiraling into sadness and again... lost as to where I fit in. Again standing at the edge of one group, staring at the other...
where am I supposed to stand?

I must have looked awkward and like I was about to cry because a friend, who I have known a long time, who has also known the sadness of loosing a child, saw me, hurried over to me and hugged me while the dam broke.
The tears of grief and guilt made my face contort and my shoulders shake.
But she held on.

In reality it was only a moment.
But her being there and blessing me with her love and encouragement was a gift straight from Heaven.
and she was just what I needed in that moment.

I gathered myself together and enjoyed the rest of my morning.

September is upon me, and already my God is providing.

Great is His faithfulness...especially in September...


Anonymous said...

There just aren't any rules, ever, for how to live with losing a child. Caden will always be your girl regardless of where you stand or how you answer questions trying to protect others and yourself. Only somebody who has never lost a child would have an activity like that, they just don't understand, thankfully it is one less person who knows the searing pain.
Everyday you are one day closer to being with Caden again, having your family whole, hold on to the promise. MJ

Maryellen said...

Tears are rolling down my face. Caden understands.
Oh the glorious day when she is in your arms again.

It won't be long . . .

Maranatha Lord Jesus . . .

linda said...

i am so, so sorry...i am heartbroken for you. praying for you and your sweet caden...

Jenny said...

Those moments are the worst. It's so hard to know what to say to people and then to have to deal with the awkwardness that ensues. Some days it seems like it'd be better just to have our babies in our arms. Praise God that when they aren't in our arms, we know they are in His. I've prayed for you every day this month.