Monday, January 23, 2012

thoughts on Heaven, loss and grief...




Tomorrow my precious baby girl would have been 4.

I cannot wrap my mind around that... 4.

I am not one to sit and day dream about the what-if's and the could-have-been's...
I find it makes me overwhelmingly sad... and in the end, it serves no good purpose.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.


She is right where God wants her.

And if I truly believe that... then conversely, I am right where God wants me.
Whether or not it is comfortable, or desirable...

I am right where he wants me.

and most days, I am completely satisfied with that.
It is on the days I question... or I miss her so much I ache, that I become discontent and long for my will, not His. Which, in turn leads down a path of sin-related thoughts and actions,
resulting in... to understate it... a bad day.

It is always amazing to me to look back and be able to see how God has grown me. I know that each day I am following Him, choosing His will and His desires over my own, that He is working and developing me into something better then I could do on my own. But even knowing this... it is awesome to see.

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that my Mamaw passed away. It has been heartbreaking to be a spectator of my Papaw's grief.  A few minutes after Mamaw passed, He was sitting in a room all by himself. As I came in, he was just staring off into nothingness... with a look on his face I will never forget... it is the look of a broken heart. I bent down in front of him and told him I wish I could make it better... and that I loved him. He placed his big, warm hand on my face and smiled, as much as he could, and said "you know how it feels..."

and I do

a broken heart hurts

goodbyes are painful

As I was driving home from the hospital, thinking of my lonely, broken Papaw... and that look on his face,
I wondered....
If it hurts this much to lose someone(one someone) we love so dearly....

How much did God's heart break for all of us?
Did he feel this pain magnified by millions?
unimaginable...

and then I became overwhelmingly thankful... that this goodbye was not really goodbye.
and to be quite truthful, this was the very first time I felt that way... really felt like it was temporary... not just spouting the right words to myself... but really knew that this "goodbye" was truly "see you soon."

it was then I realized that God has forever made known to me the truth of the Hope of Heaven...

I was speaking with my Papaw earlier that morning. He was telling me of an interview done with a Vietnam soldier. The reporter asked the soldier if he could have anything what would he ask for, and the soldier replied... tomorrow.
As I though about, I turned to Papaw and I said, you know, that is probably true for most people... if the people they love are here. However, I think the more people we know who are in Heaven... tomorrow may not be our greatest desire... it is probably Heaven.

Luke 12:34
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.


As I miss my baby girl, and now as my Papaw longs for his wife of 61 years... I know we are both anxiously awaiting the coming of Christ, now, more then ever before.

Lord, come quickly...


6 comments:

merlin said...

incredibly wise

Melissa823 said...

I followed Heidi Stone on CafeMom and one of her posts led me to your blog when Caden went to heaven. I've been following ever since. I live in a lot of fear of death - even though I love Jesus like crazy.

To be candid, sometimes it's hard for me to read your blogs. I don't WANT to feel what you're feeling by putting myself in your shoes, because there's nothing worse.

But, I force myself to read - and I'm amazed at your words. You have a beautiful family - in two different realms, but only a breath away.

Bless you.
Melissa

Boyka said...

You made me cry... You made me remember my father's death (how desperate my mother was...and still is), you made me remember my brother's death...Every night I "go to bed" with my father and my brother...and the only consolation is - one day we are all going to reunite. It gives me so much comfort, and hope...

Penny said...

My poor little Nannie lost my Poppa after 64 years of marriage, six kids, fifteen grands, and ? great-grands. It was so hard to watch her grieve~ she said she felt "like half a person." It got even harder when she looked at me just hours after Poppa's funeral and said, "I'm ready." Two words~ but so heavy with despair. Still makes me cry thinking about it. But a week later, she went to Texas with me to see her son-in-law (only to bury him a few weeks later). She was one of the strongest women I know. I think that's why it was even harder to grieve with her. She lived almost five years longer than Poppa~ dying in her sleep, like she'd prayed for and talked about. I miss all of my grandparents, two brothers, and a few aunts, uncles and cousins. What a reunion that will be! :)

Laura said...

I've been following your blog for a while now and have never posted. But your post spoke to me today. The last few weeks have been filled with sad news for many people around me, and yesterday and today all I could think was "Lord, come quickly". And when I read your post tonight that ended in that, it gave me goosebumps. By the way, your boys are absolutely adorable!!

Rebecca said...

this is good...