I had a small break down the other day.
Tears and everything.
And to be honest... I think it was a few days in the making.
Sometimes, my weak, sinful heart wins out and I allow fear, doubt, worry and SO MUCH PRIDE to fill my heart... and I crumple under the weight.
It's a job... or lack of one for the Captain.
I tell myself that compared to losing Caden... compared to a brain tumor...compared to REALLY BIG HARD THINGS... this one is reasonably small.
And still, I waver.
Still I let change and uncertainty derail my calm and steal my peace.
Sometimes, ok...most times, I just don't understand.
and I ask...
"God, why us... again."
Maybe I have yet to fully learn what He is trying to teach me.
I hold on too tight.
I need a looser grip, an open hand... a softer heart.
You would think, after weathering certain storms, others would be a cinch.
You would think.
I get caught up in the calm... I do not prepare well. I take for granted the peace and the provision...I overlook the blessings and see them instead as "normal, run-of-the-mill".
Maybe God is stretching me. Forcing me, by my earthly circumstances, to make decisions in my spiritual walk. "What do you really believe, Cari? Is is just words? Or is this your life? Show me."
Faith is more then words...it is actions. You cannot separate them. If you truly believe it... you will show it. And sometimes it's the hard things of life that give us the chance.
Maybe others need to see God work. Maybe God has brought me to a
place where just the right eyes fall upon my life, and if I persevere, if I stand strong... if I bow to His will no matter what, I can have the honor and privilege to point others to Him.
Yet, in my weakness, I want the easy, not the hard... I want the the abundance, not the scant... I want to be selfish, and not worry about others.
But that is not what God wants for me.
He wants the best for me.
And sometimes, the road to the best is hard, scant and always other's focused.
And at the end of the road when I am tired, hungry, and feeling empty,
Jesus is there.
He will pick me up and give me more then I could ever hope or dream.
More then I deserve.
today is temporary.
Jesus, Heaven and all the promises of scripture are forever.
So am I still worried? stressed?
I am (sometimes over and over again) laying it down at Jesus' feet.
I have surveyed the landscape before us.... and I have decided I want His will.
I want it more then my iphone.
And as the Captain so eloquently put it...
"I am ready...bring it."
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.