Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sunny and Bubbly

It's not so bad.

OK. Truth.

It's not bad at all, really.

I am just not handling it well... or my sunny disposition and bubbly personality have failed to notice they are lagging dreadfully far behind.  I suppose Sunny lost a shoe in the muck and Bubbly tripped in the mire... or something like that.

Life, now, is not hard like some would view hard.  No tornado, no fire, no sick kids... no tumor... no death. And yet I find myself struggling. My friend and I have a half-funny half-serious line we respond with when asked how we are doing... "just keeping my head above water."  and lately, so true. 

The Captain doesn't feel good. All the time doesn't feel good. Not the "I think I am going to keel over and vomit any minute." but the " I just feel icky and all around not great." (with more specific symptoms relayed to those who need to know and could possibly fix the problems...) Most likely you never feel 100% or exactly the same after someone has rooted around in your brain and removed a chunk of what had been growing in there for over a year... but still you hope for some stability... some normalcy... some level of recovery that is not only tolerable but acceptable.

We are still searching for acceptable.  Through meds, Dr. appointments, procedures... and waiting to see if we need to start all over again.  The Captain is tired. Worn out.

I am angry.

Not at the Captain. At our lot... our life... how it has all panned out. How we always seem behind the 8 ball... never getting the leg up... pick your cliche.  I am tired of being the wife of a man who feels icky... of having to deal. Of feeling like I am shouldering a burden too big for me... without an end in sight.

I guess the easiest way to describe what I am so-very poorly dealing with is discontentment.

I am discontent with what God has given me. Which, if we are honest, is just a slap in His face... thinking I know more about what I need or what is best for me then He does... pride.

All of it ugly, really.

I took me quite awhile to realize what I was angry about... for awhile I was just blundering about in a foul mood, not fully understanding why. I chalked it up to never accomplishing anything during my day, taking care of 2 very small children, always being needed in some capacity...but really, those things do not make me angry... they do not change the picture in my mind of what I want or what I thought my life would be...

A Captain who isn't at 100% does.

Big game changer.

I was not (am not) familiar with the play on the field. I feel a bit run over and disoriented... and mad about it.

Now that I have wrapped my mind around the what... I am working on the how.

How do I handle this. How do I behave better... how do I gather up my plans and hand them gracefully and humbly over to God.

How do I trust that this is what's best? This seemingly unending, tiresome, stressful path we are wearily trodding?

The same way I gave everything over before... with the Captain and his tumor... With our precious Caden.

Day by day...minute by minute... thought by thought...

Clearly this is a lesson I have yet to fully grasp. I am just thankful I have a patient, loving and omniscient God who gently nudges and redirects my steps towards Him... and has the power to replace anger, frustration and confusion with peace and comfort.

Maybe today Sunny and Bubbly will catch up...

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.


Meredith said...

This blessed me so much today and I can relate on many levels. Thank you for sharing your journey! I'll pray for you as I pray for me too.

Lindsay said...

Praying for you my friend and sending big hugs your way (one day, I WILL give you an actual hug!). I can totally relate...

Just keep leaning on's all we can do.


barbara said...

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I have not ever met you, but I found you about a year ago through another blog (I've forgotten who it was :). I have read all your posts from the beginning. I have always been blessed with how you and your husband trust God. Sometimes, when i didn't understand how you could, I would look at the title of your blog. You live your life "To bring Him glory." I know this is a valley in your journey right now, but your last part says it all. Our loving Father nudges and redirects us back to Him. I will continue to pray for you and your family. May God bless you beyond measure.
Most sincerely,
San Antonio

Brittany..Following my Bliss said...

I enjoy reading your blog and seeing your cute kids and you have been such an inspiration in all that you've dealt with. I'm sorry things are so hard on you right now. I will pray for you and your family that you can feel the presence of him carrying you through these times and bringing you to brighter tomorrows.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you always. "the Lord lifts up the downtrodden"Ps147:6
Praying for you and Andy tomorrow. Love, Aunt Di

Anonymous said...

Cari, you always brighten my day when I read your posts (ahem, you DO need to post more often for those of us blog stalkers...LOL). Just recognizing the problem is the first step (don't they say that?). You have weathered more than I would EVER hope to not ever have to deal with. Things that I couldn't even fathom happening in my life have happened in yours over and over. Just think about the glory God has waiting for you when you get home. Not only your baby girl, but wings for your perseverance and true faith. Hang in there kiddo. There are alot of us that read your blog but don't ever respond. (Hey people out there, can I get an AMEN on this...just one word to let Cari know we are there for her and thinking of her.)

Carrie said...

Something my 10 year old nephew told me one day when i was having a tough day and he asked what was wrong. I replied
"Life sucks 'V'."
he replied
"Yeah, it life does suck...but don't you think Jesus' life sucked worse?"
Oh the perspective of a 10 year old. :)

Melissa823 said...

Hi Cari, tonight I'm praying for your peace and comfort. May God bless you richly.

Anonymous said...

wow. this post hit me smack in the face and some of your words summed up exactly how i feel without my being able to verbalize how i feel myself. my husband too as health issues that he didn't used to have that have been lifechanging...and i didn't realize how angry i was about them and how bitter i am that my life is now different bc of them. walking around in a foul mood...that woke me up also...bc that has been what i am doing...but somehow reading it made me realize i am doing it. this post made me see how i have to change things...even though i can't change what i have been dealt, i can change how i respond to them. and how i more than ever need to turn to God. sorry that you even had to be in the circumstances you are to even have to write this post...but thank you so much for writing it...bc it really has opened my eyes to my own life and helped me relate on so many levels. i will continue to pray for you and your family...and hope it all gets better for all of us.
:) linda

Anonymous said...

I don't know you so I hesitate to say much because I can't even begin to understand the trials you are facing. However, I'm facing some pretty big giants of my own and I have found great comfort in James 1. Read it slowly and break down each verse. There is so much encouragement as well as instruction for what to do. I hope it blesses you and although we'll probably never meet on this side of heaven, know that you are being lifted up in prayer this very minute. Blessings to you and your family.

Sarah said...

Sorry you're not feeling sunny and bubbly. Life is hard, isn't it? I'm sorry that your husband isn't feeling well, either. I can relate to the "icky" feeling. Though I have never had chunks of my brain removed, I do have chuncks of wierd stuff growing in mine :) I'll be praying for you and your family.