It's not so bad.
It's not bad at all, really.
I am just not handling it well... or my sunny disposition and bubbly personality have failed to notice they are lagging dreadfully far behind. I suppose Sunny lost a shoe in the muck and Bubbly tripped in the mire... or something like that.
Life, now, is not hard like some would view hard. No tornado, no fire, no sick kids... no tumor... no death. And yet I find myself struggling. My friend and I have a half-funny half-serious line we respond with when asked how we are doing... "just keeping my head above water." and lately, so true.
The Captain doesn't feel good. All the time doesn't feel good. Not the "I think I am going to keel over and vomit any minute." but the " I just feel icky and all around not great." (with more specific symptoms relayed to those who need to know and could possibly fix the problems...) Most likely you never feel 100% or exactly the same after someone has rooted around in your brain and removed a chunk of what had been growing in there for over a year... but still you hope for some stability... some normalcy... some level of recovery that is not only tolerable but acceptable.
We are still searching for acceptable. Through meds, Dr. appointments, procedures... and waiting to see if we need to start all over again. The Captain is tired. Worn out.
I am angry.
Not at the Captain. At our lot... our life... how it has all panned out. How we always seem behind the 8 ball... never getting the leg up... pick your cliche. I am tired of being the wife of a man who feels icky... of having to deal. Of feeling like I am shouldering a burden too big for me... without an end in sight.
I guess the easiest way to describe what I am so-very poorly dealing with is discontentment.
I am discontent with what God has given me. Which, if we are honest, is just a slap in His face... thinking I know more about what I need or what is best for me then He does... pride.
All of it ugly, really.
I took me quite awhile to realize what I was angry about... for awhile I was just blundering about in a foul mood, not fully understanding why. I chalked it up to never accomplishing anything during my day, taking care of 2 very small children, always being needed in some capacity...but really, those things do not make me angry... they do not change the picture in my mind of what I want or what I thought my life would be...
A Captain who isn't at 100% does.
Big game changer.
I was not (am not) familiar with the play on the field. I feel a bit run over and disoriented... and mad about it.
Now that I have wrapped my mind around the what... I am working on the how.
How do I handle this. How do I behave better... how do I gather up my plans and hand them gracefully and humbly over to God.
How do I trust that this is what's best? This seemingly unending, tiresome, stressful path we are wearily trodding?
The same way I gave everything over before... with the Captain and his tumor... With our precious Caden.
Day by day...minute by minute... thought by thought...
Clearly this is a lesson I have yet to fully grasp. I am just thankful I have a patient, loving and omniscient God who gently nudges and redirects my steps towards Him... and has the power to replace anger, frustration and confusion with peace and comfort.
Maybe today Sunny and Bubbly will catch up...
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.