Monday, November 22, 2010

to be restored

This time of year is one of my favorites. I love Thanksgiving. I also get a bit giddy at the time leading up to Christmas. All the family gatherings and the lights and the "joyous" spirit of the season is slightly infectious. I love all the holiday food and the sweaters and the scarves...the first snowfall is like something out of a fairytale... until you have to clean off the car and drive in it and it gets all black and yucky by the side of the road....but I digress.

I am really looking forward to this year and sharing so much of what I love with Rigg. I know his "firsts" were last year, but this is the year he might really get into it, or at least show an interest. Last year he just looked cute in his red sweater and Santa hat... this year he can "participate". Whatever that may look like.

As much as I am anticipating sharing this Thanksgiving and Christmas with my son, it makes me ache for Caden. I have been missing her SO much lately. Almost everything makes me tear up and it takes all of my energy not to become a snotty, mascara running down my face mess. I am constantly getting angry at people in my head because they do not seem to be missing her as much as I am right now... or they do not realize I am having a dare they not join in... or whatever. This kind of thought pattern and behavior is very much not like me. I am almost at a loss of how to deal with myself. It has made me moody and slightly grumpy, and sad... because I want to see her face and touch her hair and hold her hand...

and I can not.

I get upset when I start to panic about having 2 little ones at home. I think to myself "you should have already dealt with should have 2 at home, this is really your 3rd.". But reality is, although it is my third, it seems like my second. Although I should know how to cope with multiple babies at home, it is going to be a new experience.  And I get angry and jealous at others who have already gone through this part of parenthood... because I should be there with them...

and I am not.

And then I get all frustrated and mad at myself because of what I am thinking and how I am responding. I realize this is a "Cari needs to deal better and get a right attitude and heart before God" matter. I am fully aware that I am struggling and the only thing really holding me back is my pride, my arrogant heart... my want of recognition for what "I have been through". I know I need to fully accept God and His sovereignty over my life, I need to bow completely to His will for me and give Him all of the glory, all the recognition... all the control...

but I have not.

You would think that I would have already dealt with this by now... and to be truthful, I think I have to some degree. But I also think this is something that I will battle over and over again my whole life. I think some battles will be easier won then others. I think some days it is going to be easy to show grace to others and to myself for comments or just the situation at hand. Other days are going to be hard. Or, like now, some seasons are going to be hard.

I also know there is One I can go to for all of the mess I have recited above. I know He listens and cares... and wants me to come to Him. I know He is waiting for me to come and lay my pride and frustration at His feet, to accept His mercy and forgiveness, to give up my "assumed" control. He is waiting... I need only to go.

1 John 1:9  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Matthew 7:7  “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

I know my God is faithful. He has proven Himself over and over. I am the unfaithful one. Even though I know I have fallen... I know He is there to pick me up and lead me...waiting to heal and restore me again... I only need to go.

What about you, friends? Do you need healing and restoration? He is faithful, he is trustworthy, He is there...He is waiting... you only need to go.


Julie : ) said...

your blog is like a devotional book :) thank you. Love you - excited to see you soon!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making me a mascara running mess! You are such an inspiration. I love your thoughts and how eloquently they are written. I am feeling very convicted right now but glad to be reminded of how wonderful our Savior is. Thanks for being a ministry (without even trying)!

Anonymous said...

do not be so hard on yourself, you have every right to feel that way.
Our God understands our hurt.

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

Well, it just stinks period. It just stinks that you haven't been there and already know what two at home feels like. It just stinks that Caden can't be that big sister trying to be a little mommy to Rigg and Ryder.
But you are right - God is faithful. Our hope is thankfully not in ourselves and you say that so well.
You will do great with two boys at home - although it would have been nicer of Rigg to keep both of his naps at least until Ryder was 2 months old so you might have a chance of taking a daily shower.

Ann said...

I cry tears for you, too, because holidays must be so very hard for you. My mom lost her second child, a daughter, at the age of seven months to a heart defect, and holidays are so hard for her. She still misses her terribly after 40 years. I am thinking of Caden this season, right along with you.

Just Me - The Champion said...

Hey chica, Thanks for your post. I need you to know that I have been reading your post for quite some time. I've been in awe of you sometimes when I think about all you've gone through with Caden and I am witness to how your love of God permeates it all. I am relieved a bit to know that you too... have seasons where you are honest about how you feel, how much it hurts and where you are peeved. I believe our Jesus can handle it. I believe he yearns for us to tell Him... be honest and ask him to heal those deep parts of our lives where ONLY HE can carry us through. Praying for you and your sweet beautiful family of five.. :) That this Christmas. The gift of Jesus Christ and all that brings with it will cover your home and your spirit. God bless you friend, Peace... can't wait to see pics of Rigg this christmas. More of Josie on their way. :)
lv, jen

keLi said...

i don't know you ... but i sort of do, through a friend of a friend kind of way.

and i just wanted to tell you that what you've written here is beautiful -- and that i admire your courage to be so open in your grief.

my best friend is walking the same road you are, and it's so hard. this will be her very first Christmas without her son, and I pray that i'll know how to love her well as she experiences all that you've written here.

prayers and blessings to you...