Monday, November 15, 2010

Did my absence make your heart grow fonder?

(Warning: this post is a bit all over the place. I accomplished the following post in 3 different sittings: although on the same day... it is a bit disjointed. I started it at 8 this morning and finished it  around 4 this afternoon... the biggest gap being taken because my precious son turned the computer off mid-sentence on me....just an FYI.)

The Captain has repeatedly hinted that I am allowing too much time to pass between posts. I am not sure why he cares so much... he knows what is going on around here!

My biggest hurdle lately has been a change in schedule. Rigg has dropped his morning nap and I am struggling to adjust my day accordingly. I used to use that morning nap time to shower, do my bible study, write a post, or just have some nice "me" time... but alas, this is no longer an option. Needless to say, I am falling behind in all the previously mentioned categories.... none so gruesome as the shower and personal hygiene arena... but I digress.
( Just to prove my point, I just had to take a 10 min. break and go discipline my son for taking all the DVD cases out of their designated spot as well as change a poopy diaper... now I ask you, how am I supposed to get anything written that has some sort of point when I cannot sit and think things through?)

The past couple of weeks have been filled with colds, coughs, sinus nastiness and Dr. appointments. The Captain has been having some increasingly annoying symptoms since his brain surgery a year and a half ago. His main issues are headaches, blurred vision and dizziness. Because his last MRI was clean his Dr.'s are going to be doing some tests to rule out a handfull of other possibilities. If you think about it, please keep the Captain in your prayers. Pray that the Dr.'s would have clear and accurate results from the tests and that we are able to find an easy answer to Andy's issues.

I told the Captain last night that I am reaching that point in pregnancy where I worry if everything I have planned will get accomplished. I am starting to get nervous that all my sorting, washing, moving, painting and adjusting Rigg to a new room is a bit much to do in 10 weeks...
AND... my clothes are staring to become really tight, short and uncomfortable. The last 10 weeks of pregnancy is NOT a time to go shopping! ( just consider this a warning to all those who see me often... you will be seeing me in the same things, over and over and over again... )

I have really been missing Caden lately. I tear up at her pictures, I cry thinking about her. I am not sure if it the pregnancy hormones coursing through my system, or the time of year, or the fact that this pregnancy is on the exact same track as hers. Or everything together...or I just miss her because she is my daughter... and that ache will always be there. I sat in the office last night watching the pictures on the screen saver roll in and out of focus on the screen. I watched as pictures from my life passed by. What seems like my past life and my present one. With Caden... without her. With Rigg... without Caden. Never together, not here, not now... but someday.  I was a snotty, slobbery mess when the Captain finally turned it off and pulled me out of the room.
I have had a few sad moments in conversations with strangers. I have gotten to the point in this pregnancy where people assume I am due any day. Eyes bulge when I tell them I have over 2 months left. I reply that this is my 3rd and usually that is that. Or someone just assumes that (if I am with Rigg) it is my second and they ask if I know what I am having. When I reply boy they say" all boys!" (I am not sure what that is supposed to mean... good? bad?) As I walk away from these short and very insignificant interactions, I think to myself, the "outside" world will never know I am the mommy to a little girl. And even though I know people know and people remember... it still makes me sad. I have been thinking about having 2 boys in the house and I am getting excited about meeting Ryder, but it does pull at my heart to walk past the pink sweaters and the frilly Christmas dresses in the stores. I just miss little girl things... well, I just miss my little girl.
Although I know I must carry on, ache and all. I know it is really just a brief time compared to what is to come, when I can spend eternity with her. Some days, it just seems like a really long time to wait.
Lord come quickly!


Lindsay said...

You have been very missed on my dashboard! :) I bet you look beautiful!!

Katy said...

I, too, mourn the loss of the morning nap. :)

Anonymous said...

The captain is right! I miss your frequent posts, but I totally understand. My kids now 5&6....where 13 months apart. Ahhh! That is what I wanted to say some days. Pregnant and having a little one is hard work! I am sending prayers for the captain and prayers for you.

Prayers from Texas

Julie : ) said...

love you - hugs see you next week!

Just Me - The Champion said...

Oh my gosh! Where have you been? I TOTALLY miss you! Although I can't really talk because I haven't posted a new one yet either. (For scheduling reasons also) I'm totally praying for Captain and I was thinking about you the other day. I dreamt about my grandparents who passed away a couple years ago. I was VERY close to them. When I see them in my dreams I wake up crying. When I think about the dream I cry. I can't imagine how your bad days are just that... BAD. Miss her. Picture her in those beautiful clothes, let the boogies's part of your life, she is a sweet cherub and a HUGE part of your family. I know when I think of you guys.. I think family of five. Praying you have a blessed thanksgiving and that God give you some strength to keep wearing the same thing. (I remember those days) :) lv, jen

Anonymous said...

i miss your posts...but i get it, life with little ones and pregnancy alone is enough to explain it! will keep captain in my prayers. please keep us posted. sorry for your ache...i can't even imagine your pain...will pray for you and think of your baby girl. would you like me to send your my maternity clothes? son was born december i have a bunch of "winter" things...let me know, seriously...i am not going to use them again. take care...
:) linda