Last Thursday I sorted through Caden's clothes. I had many more boxes than I first anticipated. I think the final count was 9...9! Who knew? I guess a girl loves her clothes at any age. My friend Heather came over with her little girl. She was a tremendous help. We had everything sorted in just over an hour and a half. One very touching story from it all (besides the fact that Heather brought Starbucks!) was how I was comforted by a 18 month old. I was sitting on the floor, crying pretty hard, clutching my beautiful baby girl's clothes and just remembering how she looked in them and how she smelled, when I look up and hear a little voice say " uh oh." Heather's little girl then walked over to me and put her baby finger on my check to point out my tears. She then gave me a hug and patted my back. After the hug, I was given a kiss. She then backed away and smiled at me, as if to say...there, all better. It was so precious and innocent, I think I might have cried harder. What a beautiful baby girl, and a memory I will cherish from that very hard day.
I found that I have a whole tub of things I can use for Baby Boy, so that was exciting. I also sorted things for a quilt I am having made. I put in all the clothes that I have a picture of Caden in, with the exception of a few items I kept as whole outfits, like the one she came home from the hospital in and her Easter outfit. These I put in a small white toy chest my Mother bought for us. I have filled it with Caden memorabilia and special keepsakes. This is also the place where the terribly beautiful hand mold and prints are now. (remember the ones that came with no warning?) I feel a huge sense of relief getting these tasks done. I now feel like Caden is well taken care of and I no longer have to shuffle baby girl and boy stuff around the house finding a place for it all. Soon we will be getting Baby Boys room in order. I will post pics....I promise. I have already dragged Andy out to a few antique places looking for just the right decorations...(he actually likes the antique places, so don't feel too bad for him!)
I must beg your forgiveness, Internet. I have been absent far too long to have any decent excuse that would be believable. So, I shall hang my head in shame and humbly say...I am sorry.
So without further ado, to those who have yet to hear the news. We are having a BOY! Baby Boy Chastain (we do have a name we like, and if you see me in person, I will share, but because we have SO much time left until he is born, I will not announce it to cyberspace as of yet!) is doing well. He looks perfect, has 2 kidneys! and was very proud to show his mommy and daddy his boy parts in the ultrasound! I have been scheming on the nursery since we found out. Updates on that front when we get things in order.
How do I feel about a boy, you ask? Well, to be perfectly honest (which I always strive to do with you) I am not sure. I have no idea how to be excited for a boy. I have no frame of reference for a boy or little boy things. I am getting more and more excited about it. The full measure of my love and excitement probably will not be fully attained until I have him in my hot little hands and can peer into his precious little face. I am looking forward to that day. I know I already love him, not yet as much as my baby girl, but I do not yet know this young man the way I knew her. It will come, I know it will.
As for not having a girl...if I am honest with myself (again, which I always try to be, if not for your sake, at least for my own sanity.) I am not yet ready to give up the pink. I long for the girly things that I can no longer have. My heart aches for a baby girl...but not just any girl, my baby girl. I miss her so much it hurts.
There is freedom in God choosing for us. I know his choice is what is best for Andy and I and I am resting in His decision in a son for us. So even though I do not know, I know God does. This is enough for me.
Caden's death certificate came last week. I was the completely unsuspecting person gathering the mail. When I saw it, I cried. Hard. Cause of death had a lot of big medical words all strung together with the meaning of they do not know. So we still have no hard and fast answer. A seizure killed my daughter...but they do not know what caused it or why. This is a hard pill to swallow, sometimes we just want answers...this time we are left with so many questions.
Later this week a friend of mine is coming over and we are going through Caden's clothes. I am picking out my favorites and having a quilt made. I know this will be hard, but it needs to be done. I have put off a lot of these tasks because I wanted to give myself some time. Now is the time. I do not want to wait until I have a baby to go through my 1st baby's things. I feel strongly that I need to get this done 1st, before I get ready for a baby boy. I am so thankful to my friend for her time and help with this. I do not think I could do it on my own, nor do I even want to try. This shouldn't be something any mother ever has to do. When you sort through clothes it should be because your child grew out of them, not because the clothes are one of the only tangible memories you have left. Thursday will be a hard day.
Thanks to everyone who left such sweet messages on my last post. I praise God for blessing us with friends and family who love and care for us so much. You are a blessing to us. So, Thank you.
I hope to have some pics of Baby Boy scanned in soon. Then you can all rejoice with us! Until then...
Hey all,If you do not know us, the first thing you should know is how much we love the Lord our God, and we are striving to live lives worthy of the title, Believer.
The second is we are praying everyday for His return. On that day we will be reunited with our precious baby girl Caden, the treasure of our hearts. Since the death of our daughter we have battled grief, hurt, tears in public, brain surgery and chemo. We have also celebrated new life in the birth of our 2 sons. So come, read, share and enjoy the life God has given us. Although it is not perfect, or even what we had planned it is what He wants for us, so we choose to rejoice.
"Michael said Caden's funeral felt like a wedding. I smile to type that, because in many ways, it was: a celebration of one little bride being united with the Lamb."
our big Rigg
things that make me laugh
I came back into the room from treating myself to a nice, cold diet coke when I saw the Captain playing with Rigg. He was making the stuffed animal dance in the air toward our son and saying in a sing-song voice “Here comes the zebra.” I looked at him and said in the exact same sing-song voice “It’s a giraffe.” To which the Captain, with only the briefest pauses, sing-songed back the reply… “Daddy had brain surgery.“