INSTA-monday

It's been almost a month...

and although its been crickets here on the blog, I do use the Instagram daily-ish.

(you can follow me if ya want to, I'm carichastain)

 

So... to keep you up to speed, I thought it was time for an Insta-Day...

Insta-days are just me posting my Instagram pics on the blog and telling you what we've been up to... If I was a really great blogger, I would do it once a week... but you know, I'm just a so-so blogger. (I'm embracing the real me)

 

 

Rigg has a knack for making the cutest gestures and faces... I truly do not know where some of his mannerisms come from. He is growing up... I both simultaneously love and despise it. 

 

Ryder is still, well..., Ryder. He is everywhere, all the time...into everything and doing it with great pleasure and gusto.

He's also very messy.

all.the.time.

My kiddos are early risers.

I bought this happy coffee mug because it was delightful... and happy.

The sentiment of said mug does not apply to the wee hours of early pre-dawn that my boys think is wake-up-and-play-loudly time.



The Captain and I usually have our dates at a hospital or hospital type setting. It involves me reading or scrolling through Pinterest or Houzz while he gets poked and prodded and injected and infused.

Good times.

Ryder is crazy.

that is all.

My sister, Sara, came in from LA earlier this month for a long weekend.

She and I got some stellar sister time without kids... which means we shopped and chatted and tried on clothes and shoes and chatted and all things lovely.

by ourselves

without kids.

ahhhhhh.

 





Even though Sara came sans kids, she did have to hang out with mine a bit while she was here. The boys love Aunt Sara.

They also love waffle house and bacon...

(but who doesn't?)

If you live anywhere near the Midwest you might have heard whispers of people being over the winter. And by whispers I mean loud angry exclamations of how much we are done with winter.

Done.

But winter is not done with us.

Spring tried really hard for about 2 days... giving 70+ degree weather... just to plummet headfirst back into winter with below freezing temps and more snow.

Rigg and I were not amused. His astute assessment of snow after being able to play at the park without a coat...

"snow is dumb."

He's a smart boy.

Chemo happens once a month around these parts. The Captain usually feels all sorts of terrible after chemo and usually becomes a permanent inhabitant of the bedroom for a little over a week. After such a time he emerges slowly and starts to eat again... gaining energy only to do it all over again.

The boys miss their daddy whilst he is hibernating. So they hang as close as possible some days.

Rigg and Ryder both love BSF. Last week we studied Jesus' return. They left with trumpets. Rigg has been blowing his at least twice a day since to "see if Jesus is comin' back to Earf."

Its super loud and kinda annoying... but also amazingly sweet and awesome.

I love what the boys soak up each week. I love that I can talk with them and get excited with them about God's word. I love that He is working in their little hearts by the stories and songs and verses they learn.

The Captain is starting to get treated at the schmancy new Nuero-Science center. It's shiny and new in every stinkin' corner.  I was super excited... it's like getting invited to hang with the cool kids... being high class brain tumor patients...

He thought I was a  bit crazy....

Also, in fun Captain news, He has been feeling a little better lately. He even had friends over to play (eat pizza and watch basket ball... it is March!).

He had a really good time. He smiled and laughed...it made my heart happy.

I realize in all the pictures of Rigg he is wearing his coat and hat (we spoke earlier about the stupid winter... see above)

That, and he, Ryder and I are always on the go... it is a season of being in the car going from here to there. I like to sing in the car... loudly and with much feeling... Rigg however told me just this morning to stop singing. I turned (as much as I could while driving) and gave him my most offended face. He responded by delivering this line, in a most convincing tone, "Mom, I really love you, but, I don't want you to sing."

 

Some people just don't know true talent when they hear it!

 

 

Happy Monday!

 

 

 

 



Turn my eyes upon Jesus

My house is silent.

 

So quiet.

 

 

This might be the first time in a month that I can sit and think.

 

 

I know many of you want to know how the Captain is doing, how I am doing... how we are doing.

 

The short answer is OK. Fine... about the same.

The long answer is much more detailed and imprecise.

 

How is Andy? He is about the same. What does that mean? Well the past 3 MRI's have been stable. Which is great news. It means the tumor is not growing. However that does not change the day to day aspect of his fatigue, physical and cognitive decline that we have experienced the past 6 months. He is the same today (give or take the level of fatigue, a headache or nausea) that he was about 2 months ago. That is when I would say changes and symptoms leveled off a bit. Now he sleeps most of the day and night (16-18 hours, normal for a brain tumor patient) and seems his most perky in the evening.

The drastic change in him and our lifestyle was hard for me at first. Well, is still hard some days, but God has been faithful on so many levels. Conversations with really good friends, family, doctors, have helped me process and cope accordingly. God working in my heart to soften and change my attitudes and desires about my days and my purpose.

 

To be brutally honest.

I hate what this tumor has done to my life.

My days are so drastically different from anything I would have wanted or requested... from anything I once dreamed.

About a month ago, Andy and I were getting ready for bed and he looks over and says "I'm sorry I have cancer."  I told him I was sorry too. He then said " I know it has crushed the dreams you had for your life." I told him it crushed his too. We are in this together... and what we had thought our lives would look like... well, God had a different plan. One that is taking some adjustment and time to wrap our minds around... one that takes more letting go and giving up than is comfortable.

One that has a bigger purpose and meaning, I pray, than one I could have conjured up myself.

 

I have to trust in that... to believe that God is using this for His good. He even states in Romans 8:28 He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.

 

I trust that God is bigger than me; that He knows more... that He sees what I can't; that He works for and in circumstances that I do not understand...God says in Isaiah 55:9

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.

 

There are times when I get upset, angry, overwhelmed... and these are the truths that I cling to, this and knowing that there is more... there is better awaiting me. Clinging to the truth that this life is fleeting and temporary and knowing what lies ahead is more than glorious.

 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,  while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

 

 

And God is faithful... each day that dawns He fills with encouragement and grace... and mercy. He sustains me little by little each day, each hour as I walk (sometimes begrudgingly) through this trial.

 

Nobody likes hard things... things that hurt, or take away from what we want. Nobody likes enduring...while the struggle is upon them.

 

But just like anyone else who undergoes transformation during a struggle, and athlete striving for a better time or perfected skill, a person losing weight, a group finally working together as a team, a choir blending their voices and sound perfectly... all these things, after all the time and hard work and struggle and labor they can reap a reward.

 

The same is happening in my life, I am sure of it... the only difference is God is doing the work. He is shaping my heart according to His purpose... and the Glory will be His.

 

So on days when I feel crushed under the weight of it all, when I am completely overwhelmed... I go to God's word. I remember these things. I ask for clarity, for wisdom... for openness to His will. Or on days when I cannot do it myself, when I am dragging a kicking and screaming kid from the store, when I am mean to my boys after an hour of trying to get ready and out the door, when I snap at my husband for no reason... and I cannot seem to get ahold of my own emotions or redirect myself... God is faithful to bring me alongside others who gently push me back to Christ.

 

I want God to use me, to use my life to Glorify Him, to build His kingdom... to point others to Christ. And I know that I cannot do that while grumbling, complaining... while dreaming and wishing away what God has laid before me. I need to accept what He wants for me. I need to allow Him to do with me what He deems appropriate.

 

Today I am not flattened under the weight of struggle. Today has started with hot coffee and a quiet house. Today seems calm and easy... but it's only 8:31...

Surely I will have to re-return my focus today.

and again

and again.

 

As the hymn says

"turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Look full in His wonderful face.

and the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

 in the light of His glory and grace."

 

God is faithful to calm my heart each time.

 

 He is shaping my heart according to His purpose... and the Glory will be His.

 

 



6 years ago today

6 years ago today I became a mommy for the very first time.

 

 

Caden Joelle would have been six today.

 

She has been gone for so long, yet she is not only in our thoughts daily... she is the topic of many conversations in our house.

 

 

Because of Caden I can talk openly of Heaven, Jesus, and even death with my boys.

They know they have a sister...

and they know she lives with Jesus.
They know one day, if they believe in Jesus and the work He did on the cross, they will get to meet her.

 

 

Rigg was telling someone just the other day about his sister... and how he "loves her a lot."

Sweet boy.

 

There have been so many days when I have wished she were here... and all the little things that come along with that. Some days the sadness is still intense... but it is brief. Because God has given so much through Caden. Her life and her death have been gifts and blessings.

Because she is gone, I have a deep, deep longing for Heaven. I have a deeper faith in what God has promised. I know God can be trusted with anything... ANYTHING.

I can share with others about what God has taught me.

I can tell my children about Heaven.

About Jesus.

about life...

 

 

Caden was our first precious, sweet, snugly blessing.

A blessing that God continues to grow in ways I never could have fathomed or desired.

 

 

She is still talked about, smiled over... and rejoiced over.

 

Today 6 years ago God began a work He is still completing. In my life God is using my baby girl's life and death to teach me about Himself everyday.

 

 

6 years ago today my life changed for the better.

 

 

and I am so thankful.



Ryder is three.

 

 

(I should apologize for the amount of pictures in this post... but seeing so many great shots of my sweet boy... I'm not at all sorry...) 

 

Three years ago today I woke EARLY to some discomfort. Turns out... It was Ryder... being Ryder.

 

He has awoken me early almost every morning since.

 

This child is a HUGE character. He has the most interesting and strangest grouping of facets to his personality. He is both delightful and frustrating. He is brave and needs hugs of comfort and reassurance. He loves to cuddle but is extremely independent. He is loving and bold. He is LOUD and silly and so much his own person.

 

 

The past three years Ryder has grown into such an amazingly passionate child. He knows what he wants, when he wants it, and how He wants it done. Usually I do not meet his standards and he has to "do-ed it." himself.

 

 

Ryder operates under one of two extremes. Utterly delightful or uncontrollably upset.

We (or should I say I?) are working on coping mechanisms for frustration and disappointment... a life skill most adults need too.

 

 

 

 

He loves Lightning McQueen and Mater, Curious George, Mickey Mouse, Minions and all the Madagascar movies. He remembers phrases or lines from these movies and works them into his conversations.

 

 

He makes me laugh.

 

 

All.The.Time.

 

Ryder knows no fear. He plummets underwater and emerges with a belly laugh and a huge smile as he is gulping for air. He jumps high, leaps into the unknown and bounds into places other where kids hesitate.  This is why the child has had to go to the ER twice for stitches and is missing a tooth. Sigh. He is a leader of sorts, but still follows Rigg and plays according to big-brother's rules.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He still falls asleep in your arms given the chance. He loves to cuddle and hug. He has a sweet heart and a wicked-mischievous grin.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is curious and smart and usually figures out how to work something before others do.

 

 

He loves to be without clothes. If you are not watchful he has already peeled down and is starkers in front of company.

 

 

This is the messiest child I have ever seen. He is messy all the time. everywhere. I can wipe his face off and two minutes later he is a mess again. Just today as I was doing dishes he painted his own hair with pink nail polish. No amount of mess, on his own person, bothers him. At all.

 

 

He still has a ways to go with his enunciation. I love how he says bible study (by bull tuh D), Autobots (sounds like bubble butts) and his new thing is saying " Dog gone it." when something isn't going as planned.

 

 

Ryder stretches us as parents... but he melts my heart with his hugs and cuddles. He looks like Caden and reminds me of Gods goodness and blessings.

 

 

Happy Birthday Sweet boy.

A year in review...

 

Because it is the end of the year... and I have not updated in dayzzzzzz. I thought I would post our year update/Christmas letter.

If you are at any way connected to or have donated to the trust, you have already seen all the words on this post! I did, for fun and interest, add more pictures!

 

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2013 has been a rough year for the Chastain’s. It has also been a great year. We have celebrated so many awesome and wonderful things this past 365 days… all the while carrying a load that, at times, seems too heavy.  We are lifted up, encouraged and comforted, not only by those who love and support us, but by our Heavenly Father, who knew not only this path He had chosen for us to walk… but who provides a way for us to walk it with grace and strength.                      

 

Let’s start the family updates from the youngest up, shall we? That starts us off with one feisty little booger, Ryder. Ryder is 2, turns three in January. He is the strangest, sweetest, most infuriating child I have ever had the privilege to parent. He is loud, hilarious, smart, strong and cuddly. He is also stubborn and has to do everything himself.  This year he has busted a front tooth clean away, leaving him with a nice hillbilly hole in the front of his mouth, and been on the receiving end of 7 stitches in 2 different locations on his face. He is rough and tumble, and all boy. He also is a lover and wants a hug about every 30 minutes. He stretches me as a parent. And I love him to pieces.

               

            Rigg turned four on June 19^th. He is obsessed with transformers, mazes, puzzles and asking why. About everything. He started preschool in the fall and I have seen an enormous change in him. He is more curious, more imaginative… and now knows all his letters, can count to “furty” (30) and is sounding out words.  Rigg is a thoughtful child, he contemplates what he hears and sees and asks deep questions. He is learning about Jesus at his school, Trinity Lutheran School, and at his Bible study. I have been able to share the gospel with my son over and over this year. He asked me on the way to school one morning “how do you believe?” He also stretches me as a parent, but in a totally different way than his brother. He is sweet, thoughtful and energetic. I am blessed to love a son like him.

        

            I am spending my time juggling all the different aspects that come with being a stay at home mom and wife of a cancer patient. I have learned to take over the bills, the home and car maintenance, and the hospital and pharmacy runs. All the while still doing dishes, laundry, loving and disciplining two growing boys and trying to keep up with friends and family. I have an amazing support system. If I am in need of anything, I have too many people waiting in line to help. I am constantly overwhelmed by the sheer awesomeness of how much my little family is loved. We have been blessed this year to have been given the gift of house cleaning. For the whole spring and summer a sweet girl I went to high school with paid to have my house cleaned once a week. When she was no longer able to do so, 12 families pitched in and have finished off the year with once a week cleanings. BEST.GIFT.EVER.

                  

I have taken a very small leadership role in my bible study, Bible Study Fellowship. I am a substitute discussion leader and an overall fill-in where they might need me. The boys also attend BSF and love it. It is such a joy taking the boys and watching them learn the same lesson I am for the week. Along with BSF, I also started a small Etsy shop this year. Etsy.com is a site where people who make items can place those wares online to sell. In my shop, Printed Joy, I am currently doing art prints and cards. (http://www.etsy.com/shop/printedjoy) God has blessed my little shop more than I expected! I am filling 1-4 orders a week since opening and having so much fun designing not only the art offered in my shop, but custom orders as well.  And, let’s not forget our family blog… which I am so bad about updating as often I used to.  (www.andyandcari.blogspot.com)  The blog has long been a baby of mine, I love to write and process all that God has done and is doing. It just seems lately my life is full with other time worthy things, and the poor blog falls by the wayside. I still try to keep updates on the Captain (Andy) as close to real time as possible.

Ah, the Captain….

            A year ago, on Thanksgiving 2012, Andy was in the ER getting news that his tumor had returned. He underwent his second brain surgery on November 26^th 2012. Since that day we have hit the ground running, so to speak, dealing with all the things that come with battling cancer. Radiation was done in Bloomington, IN for the first 6 weeks of 2013. While Andy was getting himself to and from treatments, resting at a wonderful facility in Bloomington (Jill’s House) and working on healing, I was home with two boys… trying to live a normal life as a single parent for a month and a half. Since that time Andy has slowly, ever so slowly, declined physically and cognitively. All the chemo and drug trial treatments, all the medicine, all the side effects from radiation, chemo, and drugs… have left him weak, tired and worn. Andy has had a couple different hospital stays, some ER visits, and a few scary moments. He has battled with massive swelling, drastic drops in blood pressure, and blood clots in his lungs and legs. He spends a lot of time resting and sleeping. It is an ongoing discussion between me and his amazing oncologist… the struggle between letting him rest and trying to find a reprieve for the fatigue and discomfort. His energy level is low and he is only up and going a few hours a day. It has been a hard transition for me, picking up all that Andy once did. But God has been gracious and has provided all of our needs… even some of our wants!

     

            He still has 2-6 months of chemo treatments left, a number that will be determined by MRI’s and doctors as we get closer to that point. The drug trial drug he is on is supposed to stop the growth of the tumor, because of this he will be on it indefinitely.  We spend every other Thursday at the hospital, getting treatments, seeing doctors, waiting in hard chairs. It has been a life shift… But God is faithful and we do not feel abandoned. Nothing is wasted, and we know God is using this for a purpose. Our prayer is that in every aspect of our lives, that God would receive glory.       

            “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly was are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”       ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ~

                                                   

Love,

Andy, Cari, Rigg and Ryder