Friday, February 6, 2015


After Caden died, I had this nagging fear that she would be forgotten... that no one would remember she lived... that no one would remember I was once the mommy of a sweet baby girl. I doubted God would provide what I wanted... I feared so many things because I was uncertain what my future held... I was uncertain that I could be truly joyful again... I feared... I was afraid. Grief does that... It magnifies things like fear and doubt.
I remember wanting to scream at people who would smile at my belly (when I was pregnant with Rigg). I wanted to shout that I had already had a child... I was not a first time mother... I had a baby. I didn't do that. It would have been rude to scream in strangers' faces... and more to the heart of the matter, although I wanted them to know, I didn't want to see the look on their face when I told them. So I kept quiet.
As it turns out. I have people who love me very much, and people who love you very much tend to remember when hard and life-changing events happen to you.
God proved Himself faithful to calm my heart and fill me with peace regarding so many things with Caden's death.  
After Caden, I remember God showing me such wonderful things about Himself. He taught me that I could trust Him with the hardest things... He did this by providing for all my needs, big and small. By showing up in the strangest of places and reminding me He was with me. God proved His faithfulness to me and to every promise He declared in scripture. I found them all to be undeniably true.
Since then, I have rejoiced in the knowledge of things already learned... I have tried to remember the truths of His faithfulness...His graciousness to me. I strive to preach the things I know to myself so that I not only remember... but so that I can lean into them when I am weak.
God has allowed me to have a firm grasp on what He taught me through my grief with Caden, and because of that, this trial, this road I have walked alongside Andy... and after Andy, this road is not the same kind of hard. I do not doubt the things I did before, I do not fear as I did after Caden.
God proved Himself in my hardest time. I am blessed to remember so well the things He did. And because of that I trust in His word and faithfulness to me.
This time what I see God magnifying in my life is His sovereignty; His power and authority over my life. I am seeing how my big, mighty, gracious, loving and holy God not only has a right to cause or allow any and all things that happen to me... but He knew, He planned, He designed, He orchestrated it all... His hand has and will direct each moment... His fingerprints grace each breath... He has gone before and He goes behind.
My Savior is actively sovereign in my days.
{ From my Instagram ~ When Caden died, the couple at the grave marker place were so incredibly kind to the Captain and me. They too, had lost a young daughter years before and their empathy and encouragement was something Andy and I always remembered. I went back today to order a headstone for Andy...and the same sweet woman who hugged me and talked boldly about how good God is, lost her husband last year too. She and I have been brought together for brief meetings but have walked parallel paths. She speaks, with tears in her eyes, of a God who loves her greatly and has a divine purpose for her life. These moments, past and present, that I've shared with her are times I know God has given to me as a gift. To prove tangibly He is caring for me, He is guiding me... and He loves me greatly and has a divine purpose for my pain. It's in these moments... that are supposed to be hard and gut wrenching... my God shows up and shines... and I am restored with Hope and much Joy.}
I see God's provision, not to merely sustain me and keep me afloat, but to teach me more about Him... to guide me to live according to His wishes, not my own. He is gently leading me as a shepherd does his sheep.
I have witnessed so many little snippets of grace these past weeks. God shining in the details. Proving that He has this...that He knows not only what is happening to me, but He knows the plan... the why, the how, and the end.
Since the Captain has passed into glory, I have not seen the same facets of God that I did after Caden... I still do see those... But this time... this time God is magnifying a different attribute of Himself to me. I am learning not only to trust God because He is faithful... But to trust His faithfulness because He is sovereign.
He is taking me deeper.
Do not misunderstand me. I still struggle...I still cry. I still have days where I want to scream and pull out my hair. I live days where I cannot wait for bedtime.
But God is in those days too.
I was playing a game with the boys the other night. The overwhelming desire to see and talk with Andy swept over me... and I missed him so greatly in that moment. I started to cry. Rigg asked me why I was crying. I told him I missed daddy... and sometimes missing someone comes out as tears. Both boys expressed how they to miss their daddy. Then we hugged and spoke of Heaven and what daddy might be doing. Which quickly turned into what they want to do when they get to Heaven...

which proved they have excellent imaginations.
Lately, when singing during worship at church, I cry. I just cannot get the picture of Andy worshipping in the presence of Christ out of my mind. When I sing to God about His holiness, His faithfulness... His glory and majesty and might... I an overwhelmed with the knowledge that what I am longing for... what I an eagerly anticipating; Heaven and glory and being with my Savior... the Captain is living now. I cry because it is an awesome thought... and I am so grateful.

I am just seeing the beginning of understanding, I am in the warm-up... but I do know that God has it all. He provided for me in every chapter of my life. He provided Andy for me, that is what He had for me then... and I know He has provided for me not only now... but each and everyday that follows this one. He is already there, already designing my moments... He is guiding and leading each breath until I can join Caden... until I see the Captain... Until I too, can sing and praise and worship Christ in Glory. 
 God is sovereign.


Laurie and company said...

Beautiful post. Continuing to pray for you and your sons.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post cari, brought me to tears, your children are so blessed to have you as their mother. May God bless you!

Anonymous said...

God is sovereign. A good lesson for me and many other people to grasp.

Penny said...

Your story is heartbreaking, but also is a beautiful story of love and redemption and faith. God bless you, Cari and those beautiful boys. No one will forget your Caden and Captain. You've told their stories well and because of you, their memory is alive and well, even to strangers.

Dr OGMEN said...


Hello my name is GLORY FRED from USA, My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted you and after I explained you my problem. In just 3 days, my husband came back to us and show me and my kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. We solaed our issues, and we are even happier than before you are the best spell caster Dr OGUMEN i really appreciate the love spell you castes for me to get the man back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work Thank you once again at ( ). in case you are in any problem you can contact this man for help he is always there in his temple to help you solve your problem Contact Email is ( ).

Anonymous said...

How to get your ex husband back
My name is Jessica Ruiz from Florida I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine Lucy told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Dr Shiva at . I email Dr Shiva the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr Shiva for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too
Or Check Out His Web site at

tessy jerry said...

My name is TESSY JERRY FROM USA, I head that my husband was having an affair with one of my closest friend and I was very upset and worried so a friend of my advice me and told me if I still love my ex and if I really want to have him back so I told her yes, and she ask me to contact Dr. ADAGBA the spell caster and I did although I never believe on spell so he gave me something when he was casting the spell and ask me to say my wishes on it and after the casting of the spell a receive a phone call from my ex and was ask me at which I did and now we are back together again I’m so happy and I wish not to ever have this mistake again in my life. I will also advice anyone with this kind of issue to contact him for help he is really nice on phone and always there to answer you question giving you the good advice that you need. his email is

Anonymous said...

Am writing this article to appreciate the good work of DR OTIS DARKO that helped me recently to bring back my wife that left me for another man for no reason for the past 3 years. After seeing a post of a woman on the internet testifying of how she was helped by DR OTIS DARKO. I also decided to contact him for help because all i wanted was for me to get my wife, happiness and to make sure that my child grows up with his mother. Am happy today that he helped me and i can proudly say that my wife is now with me again and she is now in love with me like never before. Are you in need of any help in your relationship like getting back your man, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, winning of lotteries, herbal cure for sickness or job promotion E.T.C. Viewers reading my post that needs the help of DR OTIS DARKO should contact him now on his E-mail: CAN ALSO ADD HIM UP ON WHATSAPP USING THIS MOBILE NUMBER:+2348077526136

Anonymous said...


My Name is Alan Pratte, From USA. I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr OTIS DARKO has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex WIFE to me with his great spell, I was married to this woman called Sharon we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when I was unable to make her pregnant for me and also give her al she needs she left me and told me she can’t continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get her back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email: then you won't believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell cast and bring my lost WIFE back, and after a month she became pregnant for me because he gave me some herbs to take also and when she went for a test and the result stated that she was pregnant am happy today am a FATHER of a baby girl, thank you once again the great DR OTIS DARKO for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through any of this problems listed below:

(1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child/PREGNANCY SPELL.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.
(10)Stop Divorce
(12) Winning of lottery
(13) Cure To Hiv/Aids