hard things

Andy has been on hospice now for a month.

Because of this new transition and the foreshadowing of something heavy and hard that awaits us, we have had to deal with a couple of heavy and hard things already.

hard thing 1.

Because of his worsening condition he was moved to his parents house last week. This was a decision Andy and I made long before it came to pass... when he as still able to think through things and understand what was happening.

His mother can take better care of him there and the boys have a little distance, so their memories of him will not be tainted by aids helping him with everything, and watching him deteriorate. Also, they can still run and play and be loud little boys at home now... I did not want to be shushing them and shooing them away all the time so Andy could rest. 

We visit the Captain everyday... for long stretches of time.

And even though this was the plan he and I made together... and even though it was time, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To pack up all his things and move him out of our home, knowing he would never be back. It broke my heart. Every time I would go back into the house for one more thing he might need, I would break down all over again.

 

When the boys and I went to leave and go back home, after getting him all moved in and situated at his parents, Andy thought he was going too. His face fell when I had to explain to him all over again that he was staying... that he would not be back home.

The Captain came to the door to wave goodbye to us... it is a memory seared into my mind. I cried all the way home.

 

 

And now my house is full and loud and messy from little boys, but it is also empty and silent and clean from the absence of my husband.


hard thing 2.


It occurred to me that although my boys and I talk of Heaven and of death a lot... we had never discussed the actual, tangible, physical things that happen. Specifically that when you die, if you believe in the work Jesus did on the cross, you will go to heaven but your body stays here.
When I realized the details I had been leaving out... I quickly became concerned that the boys, Rigg especially, might become confused.
So I took them on a field trip.
We went to Caden's grave and discussed what happens to a person when they die.
I explained that your body stays here and just your spirit goes to Heaven. (try explaining a spirit to a 5 & 3 year old!)
I went on to tell them that the body gets put in a box, buried in the ground and we put a stone with your name on it above where it is buried.
I used Caden as an example.
I told them that when Caden died, we put her body in a box, buried it and put her name on a stone above it. I reiterated that her body was in the ground but her spirit was in Heaven.
Rigg had a million and one questions.
"who puts the body in the box?"
"is it heavy?"
"how long does it stay buried?"
"what color is your spirit?"
"Can Caden's spirit hear us?"

As far as Ryder goes... I spent more time telling/yelling at him to not climb on the headstones.
~sigh~
 Rigg asked why they couldn't climb... to which I replied that it was disrespectful... and he came back with "why? they are not here... just their bodies."
I was struck silent for a moment, and then said...it is disrespectful to their families...
this seemed to suffice.
Rigg really amazes me sometimes.


hard thing 3.


I was hanging out with Andy one morning, just him and me.
We were watching a rerun of Fresh Prince, laughing at Will Smith in his neon nineties zoobaz pants when the Captain looked over at me and asked me a question.
Now, Andy doesn't speak so well anymore...like, actually not really at all ever... so when he tries, you stop everything to listen and try to make out the words.
I turned off the TV and gave him my full attention.
He very slowly asked "what is wrong with me?"
Which he has asked before... but he has always meant something different than the actual question.
But this time I could see in his eyes that he was really asking.
I took his hand and asked him if he remembered that he had a brain tumor...
I saw the recognition wash over him and then his eyes welled with tears. I squeezed his hand and asked if he was sad... he nodded. I asked if he was scared... he nodded.
Then we just sat and cried together as the knowledge of what is really happening to us washed afresh over him.

He forgets things so easily now. This is not the first time I have had to deliver bad news to him... news he had heard before. It's like a really horrible practical joke; having to give the same bad news to the same person over and over.

It is hard to watch him weaken, to see him being slowly erased from the Andy I once knew. However, he holds on to his joy and delight in the small things. He never complains, gets angry or frustrated. He is accepting and peaceful. The Captain is still silently leading.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.