June 12th turned out to be a day that changed my life forever.
The Captain had an MRI, and when we saw the doctor, we got the news we knew would come one day. Treatment is no longer working... the tumor is growing.
we sat and talked through options... really there were only 2.
1. continue with treatment we know is not stopping the growth but may slow it down
2. Stop treatment altogether.
The Captain was able to understand all that was said. I asked him what he wanted to do.
He chose option 2. And I support him 100%.
So on a nondescript Thursday afternoon... my life changed forever.
There is no good time frame. The doctor said "months".
So we will try to plan all that we want to do as soon as possible.
We will try to soak up time. Make memories... see people.
People keep asking me how we are doing.
I respond with OK.
Because it's true. We are.
We have our moments... those waves of sadness or desperation that grip your heart and squeeze... but they ease, they pass, and we remember that one day, we will sit and cry and grieve because we miss the Captain. One day will be a day of sorrow because he is gone...
But friends, that day is not today.
So we will chose to live... while we can.
I think one reason I am doing as well as I am is because the news wasn't something that I was completely unprepared for.
I feel like the past year and a half we have been walking... marching toward a starting line. Keeping it always on our horizon. It is there... this starting line, whatever else I am doing... I have thought about the starting line, mentally prepared for the starting line (as much as one can for this kind of thing), made plans regarding the starting line...
And last Thursday... June 12th 2014, we not only reached the starting line,
we broke the tape.
We began the journey to the finish line.
And because I have always had the starting line in my thoughts... I am not so shaken.
The decision to stop treatment just made it real, no longer a "when" it is a "now".
The idea of a man dying at such a young age, leaving a wife and two little boys is heartbreaking... when I think on it, it can overwhelm me.
I get caught up in the sadness of it all. And the how will I's...
I think of my boys and what they will miss, how this will shape their lives.
But when I can look up, away from myself long enough to focus on Christ and the things I know to be true, I am reminded of this:
I do not know if God has allowed this to happen to us, as He allowed Satan to touch Job's life, or if He has ordained this Himself, like the man born blind in John 9:1-3.
And, quite frankly, I'm not sure it matters.
What I do know is this.
I am a born-again child of God.
The Captain has been covered in the blood of the lamb.
We are saved.
And because of this God says,
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
God will use this for good. He is not only working and orchestrating things now for us...but He has already been at work long before today. Preparing us, shaping us, teaching us, and putting people in our lives to guide us, and help us finish well.
God is a gap-filler. What we see as deficits, God sees as opportunities. What we look upon as bad or horrible, God sees His purpose and plan.
I have already, long before the brain tumor, put my trust in a faithful God.
I choose not to take it back just because I do not know what my future holds.
God holds my future... therefore I will not fear.
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea.