Thursday, May 9, 2013

it is hard to see happy shiny brightness through a surly grump

I find so many things burdensome lately.
I feel I complain all the time. It is not my wish or desire to mope and grumble, I simply find my mouth working faster than my brain. (such a terrible trait)
I hate that our life is in a weird limbo-type state. An ever morphing thing that requires more patience and flexibility than I am giving it.
I dislike our lack of routine. I dislike the fact that I cannot, with a level of certainty, plan ahead.
I dislike
I dislike
I dislike....
Poor Captain. He has to live with this grouchy, nasty lady.
I do not want to be her. I want to be thankful for all the ways God has provided, I want to rejoice that I can spend extra time with my precious family, I want to enjoy watching the boys learn and grow. I want to rest in the knowledge that God will take care of me... He will provide and He will do it in His perfect time.
And yet with all those wants, I still find myself, daily, behaving like a child.
I am wallowing in the discontent.
 When, in fact, my life is not terrible. It is lovely, actually. Filled with family, home, fellowship... time. I have nothing to grumble and complain about.
Which makes my attitude all the more horrid.
I'll say it again... poor Captain.
A few weeks ago, at bible study, the speaker said the phrase "God's pleasure is a bigger deal than our pleasure."
I have not been able to get that out of my head. I know His will is, I know His plan is... But His pleasure...
It hit me in the face and smacked me around a little.
I am not called to be pleasured... I am called to be obedient, and that, in turn, makes God Happy.
My obedience brings God pleasure.
My complaining is not a good example of obedience.
My complaining does not bring God or me pleasure.
Therefore I should stop with the bad attitude and the verbal grossness.
I'm trying to work on it. I'm trying to rest in His choice for me, knowing it is the BEST He has for me. I know, because the scripture says so, that He is working this for my good. This time in my life, if I can lean on Christ and be obedient, will not be wasted. God can be glorified. I need to allow Him to shine through, though....
And it is hard to see happy shiny brightness through a surly grump.
I desire to be more shiny and less surly.
So I have started praying for my attitude, and that God can work through even the likes of me... and above all that I do not waste this precious gift He has provided...
An opportunity to glorify Him.
~ signed, a (hopefully) former surly grump ~


Maryellen said...

Cari you write so beautifully and always convict and make me think.
I too like to grumble and have nothing to grumble about.
You are not alone in this struggle.

Thank you for the reminder . . .


Boyka said...

Everything on Earth Has Its Time...
There is a time for finding and losing, keeping and giving,
for tearing and sewing, listening and speaking.
There is also a time for love and hate...Ecclesiastes,3:1
Dear Cari,
It has been simply your time of "grumbling", which is so natural and normal for every human being throughout one or another period of his/her life...
Don't be dissatisfied with yourself, (you do not deserve it).
We all love you the way you are - an exceptional young lady, an example for many of us to follow!!!

Stephen & Elizabeth said...

Amen to that, Maryellen!!!

Tracie said...

I hope this is helpful even in the slightest, and not presumptuous. You have so much going on, some of it SO un-fun. I told my husband this weekend that for my children's sake, every single thing I do is going to be THE MOST FUN THING EVER! We are going to have the most fun we can have while doing the (mostly) unpleasant chores we have to do as we re-locate. We do this EVERY two to three years and my children are really unhappy about packing up and leaving our current city. They seem to be dreading every errand we have to do, dragging their feet and grumbling a lot.
That's when I have to get my Mary Poppins on and bring a spoonful of sugar. I'm hoping all this FUN FUN FUN will rub off on me and I will enjoy some of the process which is normally burdensome.
For example we have to drop off our van at the port to be shipped ... and I will make it fun! Dropping the van off = so fun! Going to get immunizations = less fun! Giving our swingset to the neighbors = fun? Getting pizza to feed the movers = pretty fun!
I think you're right, Cari, it's all attitude and while moving across the world is less problematic than dealing with cancer treatment and recovery, it's the mom in both our cases who has to bring the FUN.
And maybe grump later in the privacy of prayer, right?
So many hugs,

Tracie said...

I want to change my "making all things fun" comment to mean "Choosing Joy". Right after I wrote it I thought I was being inappropriate because your situation is so ... sacred and prayerful right now. Choosing joy is a better way to explain what you could do for yourself, your sons and your husband. I know they need you so much Cari!