Tuesday, July 17, 2012

all done

Ever have those times in your live when it feels like everything is falling apart, nothing is going right and every time you turn around it is some semi-big something you have to deal with/fix?

That is my life right now.
Some of the things are big... and worth a substantial amount of prayer and thought.
Others are small but have the kind of timing in my day to produce an over-reaction of frustrated stress-induced tears.

Awhile back the Captain lost his job. We were 4 and a half months without $$ coming in. Making things really tight. Then in a huge answer to prayer he found a job with a local company. It was less then he was making... paying the bills, but just, really. And then there was a small hitch... He was denied a medical card because he has had a seizure in the last 10 years and is on anti-seizure meds. This made it difficult for his employers because he could not drive or handle some machines that his job needed him to and be covered by the company's insurance. So they have kept him as long as they can... but they really need someone who can do everything they need. And God has limited the Captain in this area.

So the Captain is now actively looking for a new job.

And I am actively trying very hard to rest in Gods timing and not worry about how to feed my family.

A few days ago I was really struggling with my attitude.  I was, simply put, tired of dealing with life.
I really just wanted something to be easy for a change.  I was really mad that it was 750 degrees outside and my house was hot... and the air in our van decided to go out...
and then Andy came home and said he had only a week of work left...
I found a hole in one of my favorite shirts...
and then my hair straightener started smoking when I plugged it in...
and I was done. All done.

But THANKFULLY, even when I am all done and I want to throw in the towel and give up, God does not waiver... he does not give up on me.

And God and His merciful Truth followed me around for 2-3 days just calmly reminding me... He was in control... He had a plan... He would not forget us... He will take care of our needs.

And then I felt weary of fighting... tired of being worried and angry and frustrated.
And I turned and said.
I know.
I know you are in control... I know you have a plan... I know have not forgotten us...I know you will provide what we need,
I know.
But my heart still fears, and doubts, and seizes up with worry.
And I hate it.
Help me let it go.

And I know He is.
He has not taken my problems and magicked them away.
We are still without job.
Without air in our van.
My shirt still has a hole and I had to toss out my straightener.

But He has shown me in the small things...
Prayer from loved ones,
a hug from a friend,
oreo's and grocery $ from people who love us.
He is helping me gain victory over my horrible attitude.
He is being faithful to me.

And I am trying to rest in Him.
 And wait patiently for His timing... and what God has in store.

And hopefully it will contain a new straightener....


linda said...

this post hit home for me...riding in the same boat as you...for too long...and am also DONE with what life keeps throwing at us. i will continue to pray for you and your sweet family, as i continue to pray for me and my sweet family. i feel like it can only go up from here...but fear it will somehow find another way to go even more the wrong way. it is so hard to keep the faith sometimes. but i am...as you are. somewhat a "relief" to know we don't walk rough roads alone. and as always, you somehow still make me chuckle...your last line was classic!
hang in there, cari!
:) linda

Maryellen said...

We will pray for you and your families needs. I will add you to our prayer chain and our Friday night bible study. You will be well prayed for. Your feelings are normal and understandable.
God understands also.
One day this will be a distant memory and you will find the lessons have made you stronger.

Bethany said...

Praying for you and Andy as you wait for the awesome job God has waiting.

Stefanie said...

I've been reading your blog for some time now, via a friend of a friend. Anywho, my husband works for Comcast in Fishers (I don't know where you live in relation) and they are usually hiring. I don't know if anything they are hiring for is something your husband would like to do, but it is worth looking at. Hope this helps some.

The Buchanan Family said...

Praying for you. sorry your going through this.

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

Oh boy did I need to read this today! Thank you for the reminder as I am dealing with silly small problems and my attitude is awful. Love ya Cari! Thank you for being honest.

Sarah said...

You guys deal with some tough stuff...I'm sure he has his eyes open, but Target warehouse is hiring (pretty good pay and good benefits from what I hear) I don't know the requirements, and it might not be what Andy is looking for- but it's worth a shot! Glad you are able to rejoice in this time of trial, you are always an inspiration to me.

Boyka said...

Everybody has had such HARD periods in life...
But not everybody has got LORD, our GOD in their hearts - understanding, loving, comforting...
See how lucky you (and we all) are!
Praying for you and Andy!

The Buchanan Family said...

Left you an award on my blog-go check it out.
Hope your well. Ashley

Just Me - The Champion said...

Cari, Its been a while... its Jen Kline. I felt compelled to check your blog as a friend came over and asked who the beautiful baby girl was posted on my fridge. It was Caden. Josie turned 3 in July! Great pics of Rigg. Bk and I are facing financial hardship too. I just had this conversation with the Lord, I had little hope this morning. But as I prayed my hope and joy came back. Moments with Josie, kids antics, friendships all remind me that He is a faithful God. Ill be praying for you guys! Love, Jen