Tuesday, May 15, 2012

the hole

I was ill prepared for Mother's Day.

Not in the material sense. I had that all taken care of.
But mentally prepared, I was not.

In all honesty, it didn't even cross my mind that it might be hard. (clearly running around trying to keep house-and-home tidy as well as chasing raising 2 young boys is steadily erasing working brain cells)
I was looking forward to Mother's day. Enjoying my boys and spending time with my moms, biological and marriage related.
I was focused on the tangible... I was preoccupied with that which is always tugging at my legs, pulling at my time... preoccupied with the urgent, that is moment by moment, my life with children.

So it snuck up on me... the grief... the aching emptiness and throbbing sadness.
And for a few moments (OK- like 45 min) it stole my focus and my joy, replacing it with tears and sorrow.
All I saw was the huge hole Caden left behind.

My church celebrates Mother's Day with child dedications. I always enjoy seeing the little ones and hearing what their father's have to say about them. But this year, right in the middle of the second child I started to tear up... then it got hard to breathe... then I lost it.
I practically ran from the sanctuary to find a better place to lose it.
I found a quiet, dark Sunday School room. With the gift of a full box of tissues.
Thank you Jesus.

I was overwhelmed with missing her. And I was also silently kicking myself for not being prepared for this...and feeling SO guilty for not thinking more of my precious baby girl on this of all days.

I listened to worship through a crack in the side door... still in the dark...by myself, just me and my growing pile of tissues.  I listened carefully to the words of the songs.. all declaring Jesus and His great love for me. All slowly wrapping their warm tender words around my wounded heart bringing comfort. And truth... the truth of Heaven... and rest.
My struggle here is so temporary compared to the vastness that is eternity. And I would rather have a promised eternity with Caden then an unsure few short years here on earth.
And I know I do not have to worry or pray for my baby girl.
She is safe and sound.
And I know I do not have to worry about me... for when my time comes I will go to be with her.

These truths eased my tears... slowed my sobs and quieted my troubled spirit.
Reminding me of the abundant blessings God has lavished upon me. Blessings I tend to lightly gloss over when I focus on the hole that Caden left behind.  I so desperately want to live joyously and in full awareness of God's undeserving grace in my life.
I want to be overwhelmingly grateful with the fullnessof it... but I still want to remember the hole Caden has left.
Because the hole is a screaming reminder that better things await.
and I am ready.

1 comment:

Lindsey said...

Beautifully written, as usual. Praying for you tonight.