Monday, June 6, 2011

bad Cari... bad girl.

I have issues.

This past week has exasperated my issues...and exponentially increased my stress.

For some background info, you should note: the Captain has been outta commission for days with his back injury... (he is now starting to be able to do things again, like pick up the children and drive and stand without wincing...) both boys are sick... whinny, clingy, tired. They are a mess really... snotty, teary, pukey... stinky. A really bad cold plus 2 ear infections and teething and we have a nice combo for a wreck of a week.

SO

All this fun has me in a state of mind I am not usually in... I have ended each day not only worn out, but almost angry and in a mood. At first I really struggled to nail down the reason why I was mad... in the end it hit me like a well aimed hammer...

I am selfish.

Sure being pulled in 10 directions at once is stressful...but the anger is present because I didn't get to do what I want when I wanted. Getting up with sick and crying kids, being vomited on in the wee hours of morning... lack of sleep, no down time, feeling like I have no help because my husband is hurt... all good excuses for me being a jerk....

but the reason is, I am just plain selfish.
I just didn't want to deal with it...any of it.  I really, really want a day off (really I want 2 or 3 :) ) Not only the selfishness and the anger... but I complained about it to anyone who would sit still enough to listen...
not my finest hour...

What gets me the most some times is that you would think I would have a better or different perspective after losing Caden. That I should look at my family, my precious children, and be thankful... uber-super thankful, all the time.

I fall very short most days.

BUT

I have a Father who forgives totally, who wipes away tears and takes away burdens... who comforts, cares and listens... who really, really wants me to shine for HIM.
So I ask Him to forgive my selfishness (1 john 1:9) and I praise Him for my blessings...even if they do puke on me @ 4:30 in the morning... and I ask for strength and endurance to get through the next 20 min...

and He is patient enough to let me do it all over again...
and again...
and again...
you get the picture.


Psalm 86:5,15

You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.
But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

11 comments:

Katy said...

it seems if marriage hasn't already, mommyhood definitely shows how selfish our hearts can be...it's just awful. hang in there!

cmcgill said...

All I can say to that is AMEN!

There is something about marriage, raising a family, our jobs, even living life that leaves us painfully aware of our selfishness and our need for Jesus Christ.

Our family said...

All moms feel like this sometimes. I think your week sounds awful! Last year we had to cancel going on a cruise at the last minute because our kids were too sick to travel. Instead of cruising I was stuck at home with 2 really sick kids while my husband went back to work. I whined way more than you and did take a day off in the middle of the week - stayed at the hotel for a night. Not my finest moment but I did come back feeling much more equipped to handle sick kids and disappointment over a canceled vacation. My husband wasn't injured so he was capable of handling the kids for a night but I am sure he was a tad bit annoyed by my self-centered attitude. Feel better about how you've dealt with a rough week?! :)

Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

Oh Cari - you said it! We are all selfish! I will be glad to take Rigg for you for a day or if you want to drop both boys off and go away for 2-3 hours you could do that. I do know how tough this time is. It seemed as though Ryan worked a lot of overtime while the little ones were very little. It is exhausting. It makes you grouchy and it is a little selfish but you do need some time away even just for your mental health. I often think of Caden when my children exacerbate me. I think of how thankful I should be that I have them here with me even when they make me crazy.

Just Me - The Champion said...

I hear you cluckin... chicken! I was just sitting in my recliner thinking about how I went from zero to crazy in about two seconds because of MY selfishness. I loathe it. It is my worst enemy... and yet you are right, we confess it,we ask God to change our hearts and we begin to see our blessings and are overcome by HIS resounding joy. I'm so glad you're human. :) I'm praying your kiddos heal quickly and that you get some rest sweet Mama. lv, jen

kristi said...

Thinking of you Cari. Praying for healing for Andy and kiddos and much needed rest for you.

Brittany said...

Amen! Know that tonight I'm thanking God for speaking to be through you! :)

sandi said...

i clicked over from life rearranged just because of the post title. thanks for being the words that my heart needed to hear. we all have those moments that sometimes turn into days where we just want it to be about us. your words were much more eloquent than mine and just what i needed to read. thank you.

~SMD~ said...

When I want to read something that makes me feel good and always warms my heart I remember to read your blog~

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