It's only been forever.
Ok...only almost 4 months.
So this would technically be a breakfast of sorts... Since I am breaking my fast of silence on this blog... (or something less nerdy??)
Life has been fuller, busier than I expected. I'm talking of that time just before Andy died and I was picturing what my life would look like without him. I thought life would slow down.
You would think that being almost 34, and treading through the past few years that I have, I would have known better.
I was/am still surprised by how the days zoom by.
My life today is the same as it was 6 months ago.... But in many, many ways it's so very different.
I had a moment a couple months ago. I had a very full and busy 2 weeks; full of work meetings and new clients. In the midst of this whirlwind of new, I realized that I was spending my time and days with people who only knew me as a widow... only knew the Cari without Andy. Only knew me as a single, working mom. And this realization hit hard. I started to mentally process through what I had already been living.
My life was moving forward... I was pressing on.
And my days, my time, my life looked different than it had before.
I was a different person.
Maybe not in big, personality-changing type ways... but different enough that if I met a new person... they would not know the "old" me unless I told my story.
Processing this was a big moment in my grieving. My days didn't look any different than they had been... but my mind finally caught up to my reality. And as my mind played catch-up, my heart hurt a little... knowing it was just one more step away from Andy.
That's the way grieving goes. As life continues, as the days keep coming, you get further and further from the person who is gone. Those steps hurt. Because they increase the absence of Andy.
I do not like thinking of myself as a widow. I do not like thinking of myself as a single mom. Both of those titles are heavy. Both hurt my heart to say.
Both seem like something that would happen to someone else.
But they happened to me.
I am a widow.
I am a single mom.
I am only surviving under the weight of these roles because of the grace and mercy of my faithful God.
I spoke with a friend to day and told her that the past few days have worn me down. I'm stressed and I am barely keeping my head above water.
On days like these I preach to myself.
I preach the lessons I have (supposedly) learned. I preach the lessons I need to relearn; the lessons I need to bury in my heart.
I remember, when the Captain was in hospice, people used to ask me how the boys were holding up.
My response was 'They are doing OK. Something like this, the death of a father, is always hard for us to understand. But I firmly believe that my God is all-knowing and all-powerful. And because of that, I have an unwavering belief that He created my boys knowing full well what they would have to endure; how they would have to live. And with that knowledge I believe that He made them not only to be able to endure living a life without their dad... but to do it well.'
And I still hold unwaveringly to this principle.
And I believe it about myself.
My loving God knew. He knew I would marry a man I would only get to spend a brief time with. He knew I would lose a baby girl. He knew I would have to care for a sick and dying husband. He knew I would be responsible for raising two young boys. HE KNEW.
He knew all of these things before He ever made me. And when He made me, my God created me in such a way that I would not only be able to carry the burden of these things... not only be able to live through them and walk the special road He has for me... but to do it well.
On days like today. This is the truth I preach to myself. That God created me to live the life He chose to give me. And my God has provided each and every thing that I might need to live this life well. He has given me the truth of His word. He has provided family and friends to aid me wherever I cannot do it alone. He has poured grace down upon my days. He has brought joy and laughter. My sweet Savior has taken care of not only my physical needs but also my heart.
With all that I have been so abundantly given, I can live this life well.
And so I preach.
Because I need to remind myself of the truth.
So today. I am taking big, deep breathes and reminding myself that this, lovely, joyful, sorrowful, blessed, sometimes hectic, chaotic, busy, whirlwind of a life is the one I have been chosen for, and I can live it well... not because of me but because of Him.