Heaven Day

 

 

 

Each year on the anniversary of Caden's death we celebrate Heaven Day.

We gather together with friends and family and send up sky lanterns.

 

 

The past two years we have attached tags and labeled them with names of loved ones already experiencing the Joy of Heaven.

 

This came about because I wanted to teach my boys about death and God's promises to us. I wanted to teach them that for a believer, death meant Heaven... which is something to rejoice over.

 

Our culture revels in gory and macabre of death. It exults zombies and all things creepy and scary on Halloween... but my children have death and the effects of it in front of their eyes daily. They see pictures of their sweet sister on our walls... they see their daddy silently struggle each visit. I want Rigg and Ryder to know, in the very depths of their hearts, that for a follower of Jesus... to die is to gain EVERYTHING.

 

 

 

As I stated before:

Heaven is our reward, not our consolation prize.

 

So each year, as we reflect on the day that God turned our faces to Him by gently taking our precious girl... we celebrate.

 

 

We celebrate that Jesus came to earth and died on the cross as payment for our sin.

We celebrate that because of that work Christ did on the cross we can go to Heaven when we die.

We celebrate that Caden is in Heaven living a far better and richer life than she ever could have here.

We celebrate that we can know that we will see her again.

 

And this year

 

We celebrate because we know that in the midst of our hurt and suffering watching the Captain labor under the weight of cancer, he will see Christ.

And he will see sweet Caden.

 

 

 

Here is what I shared on Facebook:

Today is Heaven Day. 6 years ago today my sweet baby girl went to be with Jesus. Caden Joelle was 2 days shy of 8 months old. Today my heart aches with missing her and rejoices that she is in Heaven with her savior, where I firmly believe she is LIVING a fuller, richer and better LIFE than she ever could have here. And although I miss her, I know for certain I will see her again because I have put my faith in Jesus Christ. So although today marks the day that she left, I choose to celebrate that she is safe, loved, alive, and because of Christ I will live with her for all eternity. HAPPY HEAVEN DAY!

 

here are links to our previous Heaven Day celebrations and/or ponderings:

http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2013/09/cadens-heaven-day.html

http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2012/09/heaven-day-2012.html

http://www.andyandcari.blogspot.com/2011/09/cadens-3rd-heaven-day.html

http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2010/09/and-then-it-came-to-me.html

http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/2009/09/was-and-is.html

A much needed update

 

 

Many apologies for the delay in a post. The past few weeks have been full.. and a little bit nuts.

To help make up for my silence, I have jam packed this post full of pictures.

 

Because this post has pictures from the past 3-4 weeks, it is important for me to note that Andy has had a significant decline in this time period. Most of the pictures of him are from 2-3 weeks ago and he is not doing so well now.

 

I'll just start off with a medical update on the Captain: As of today he is sleeping well over 21 hours a day. When he is up it is just to eat or go to the restroom... hardly, if ever, is he awake to just be awake and chat. He has lost the ability to walk more then a step or two and is using the wheelchair for all his transportation needs. Andy's face is starting to swell and his legs and arms are looking more and more rail-like. The noise and happy chaos little boys bring is tolerated for shorter and shorter times. He loves to see and hug them...but quickly needs the quiet again. He is still eating...but not like he was. It's been hard to find a balance between my time there with him and taking care of the boys. Your prayers are still coveted. I should mention that we feel so loved and cared for at this time. The body of Christ is stepping up in huge ways and is very visible. Thank you for your prayers, meals, gifts and everything else you are doing to love, care and lift up my family.

....................................................................................

 

Ryder is the kind of kid that has to touch things/people. He has been very involved in loving on and helping his Daddy. Most of the time it is ok, but sometimes Ryder can get a bit overwhelming in how close he wants to be. He has been a big helper and a bringer of many smiles when it comes to his daddy.

 

 

 

Both boys are always happy to see the Captain. Love and hugs are the first thing on the to-do list when we visit.

 

 

My boys have started school. (insert mix of happy dance and strangled sob)

They LOVE it too. Rigg and Ryder are both in pre-K. Different classes... but same time frames. The boys love school, their teachers and their new friends. It is not hard to get them up, dressed and out the door because they are excited for school each day.

These pictures are from their first day of school this year...needless to say they were a bit excited.

This picture just makes me laugh...  :)

A couple weeks ago things went from our normal crazy to a higher level of chaos.

One Friday morning we got a call that my Nana was very sick... at the time we not sure what was the cause, but we packed up the car and drove the 2+ hours to see her. About 45 minutes before we got there we get a call saying she needs emergency surgery and she will be airlifted... back where we started our journey.  :)  So we high-tailed it to her, gave her quick hugs and kisses, watched the helicopter take off with my beautiful Nana and hopped back in the car to drive the 2+ hours home. 

We got back just in time to see her before her emergency surgery. Then we hung out in the waiting room while the doctors fixed a hernia and removed almost half of her necrotic bowel.

Because my Nana lives in a small town she was airlifted to Indy. She's 86 and declared this to be the most exciting thing she's ever done. :) To which the pilot replied, "I hope to make the trip very boring."

 

The boys enjoyed the time spent with family while waiting for Nana to come out of surgery. We had the waiting room to ourselves so they were able to run and play without being a bother to others. 

Rigg is officially a big boy. He lost his first tooth during the "week of chaos" as I am lovingly coining it.

He did so well with the looseness and the pulling... And, if I am so bold as to say, the tooth fairy rocked her first stop at our house!

The day after Nana's surgery my dad started feeling poorly. About 4 days later my mom, a strongly worded call from my Aunt, and a nudge from me got him into the doctor... who said she was concerned and sent him to get blood work... where he almost passed out and they sent him to the ER... where they found out THE MAN HAD SEPSIS AND WAS IN KIDNEY FAILURE!

I tossed and turned and prayed for him all night long, very concerned and upset. They had him on IV's going as fast as possible and IV antibiotics.

The next morning the Doc said they caught it early on and he should recover just fine.

So when I got to the hospital the next day I punched him... then I hugged him.

He spent 3-4 days (I can't really remember) in the hospital before heading home... still on oral antibiotics. He seems to be recovering just fine... (just to be clear... I'd punch him again if he keeps me up tossing and turning)

Andy is sleeping more and more. Sometimes even a visit from me and the Chaos Crew doesn't really stir him. He needs his sleep and his quiet... it's just a hard thing to watch him fading slowly away.

AND THEN...

 

I totaled my van. (frown)

I was headed to pic the boys up from preschool... and didn't see the nice man in his shiny white car.

The nice man and I both walked away with minor bruising... but his shiny white car was no longer shiny... or white. And my van was in sad shape.

The officers at the scene were crazy nice. A friend was right behind me when it happened, so she was able to square away my kiddos... and I took a trip to the ER and had a lovely picture taken (X-ray) of my left arm. It's just bruised (and crazy UGLY)

But all involved are just fine... except my van... which is no longer for this world. :(

The boys have been troopers. Granted they know no different then this constant craziness... but they are holding their own. I try to make time for each of them, take them to the park or the orchard, give them time to be little boys. They get more hugs then needed and they get more serious talks about Life, death and Heaven then preschoolers should... but they seem quasi-normal... which is all we can hope for most days.

God is taking good care of them.

Ryder is still very much his own person.

About 5 weeks ago we spent an hour or so getting extended-family pics taken. This is Andy's side of our family. They turned out great.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all the prayers, meals, visits, calls, love and encouragement. Our family feels very loved and cared for. We know our God is good, that He is big and that He has a plan for this. God is using Andy, his cancer and our family in big and little ways... and the awesome thing is God is gracious enough to give us small glimpses of how He is using it. We rest in the knowledge that God loves us, cares for us and is bringing Himself glory through this.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever, to Him alone does great wonders, His love endures forever. He remembered us in our low estate. His love endures forever.

Psalm 136: 1,4,23

Family pictures

 

 

Back in the very beginning of  July we got all dolled up and had our pictures taken.

 

You might remember the last time we got pictures taken... I LOVE these because this was when Andy was still Andy... when he was walking and talking and throwing the boys around. These pictures hang in my bedroom and I see them everyday.

 

And these new pictures are no different... I am in love with these too... probably because this was one of the final times the Captain was really feeling ok... and because these are most likely our very last family pictures ever.

 

 Rachel Vanoven is the talent behind the lens. She was fantastic. I cannot say enough about these pictures, about how they capture the boys personalities... about how I am SO THANKFUL that I have ones of Andy with the boys, with me...
about how The Captain smiled and cried when he saw them.

She took  A TON... so I have lovingly narrowed it down to 16 for your viewing pleasure.

 

~swoon~ ... right?
 

The past couple weeks

The past couple weeks Have been a mix of ups and downs.

I am trying... some days struggling, to balance normal everyday things, like parenting and laundry and dishes and work, with not so everyday things, like cancer and grief and preparing little minds for all that awaits them shortly...

 

It is a up and down that I do daily.

 

We have regular moments like everyone else. Happy tickle fights, playing in the rain, dance parties in the kitchen... I'm trying to keep life looking as normal as possible for the boys. Which includes keeping up with Ryder and his abundance of energy.

 

 

 And some days there is whining, throwing of fits, disobeying and fighting... and that's just me... the boys have bad days too.   ;)

 

However, I have been blessed and encouraged by so many things... One of which is a HUGE outpouring of love and scripture. I get a handwritten verse in the mail every other day or so. It is so refreshing and comforting.

 

 

I also have a sweet friend who made me a quilt. Not only is it ADORABLE, but she used pictures of my little family. It has become one of my very favorite things.

 

 

Each day I struggle mentally with wanting to spend time with Rigg and Ryder and wanting to care more for Andy. It is very hard to do both... really impossible. I cannot spend as much time with Andy as I want... and give the boys the attention and care they need. This is one of the main reasons he moved to his parents home. It has been a wonderful blessing for all involved... but I still want to do it all... feel like I should be doing more...

 

I miss him being here.

 

 

However, life does not stop. School is starting soon and Rigg loved showing Ryder all around the school. Parenting is hard...but moments like this remind me it's all worth it.

 

 

 

The Captain is up and down too these days. He is sleeping more and more; 18-19 hours a day easy.  He has some alert and awake times, but they are few and far between. Usually only last for 20-30 minutes before he is nodding off again.

He is also battling more pain. Usually it is his head that hurts. But some of it has to do with the arm and hand he can no longer move. The muscle is not being worked and therefore atrophying and causing some pain. We are trying to keep ahead of it so he can rest more comfortably.

 

Andy still loves seeing the boys come by each day. They never fail to bring a smile to his face. A friend of ours came and built a ramp so we can wheel Andy out to watch them play outside. He has been wanting to watch Rigg ride his new bike; now he can. He usually falls asleep in his wheelchair before we can get him back inside... but he never complains.

 

 

The boys enjoy the ramp too!

 

 

 

Even if Andy is not up and awake when we are there they boys go in and love on him. They miss having their daddy at home too.

 

 

This past weekend we had a reunion picnic with our former Sunday School class. It was/is a LOT of young families with a TON of children. every time I mentioned it, Andy perked up and I could tell he really wanted to go. However, he is just not up for it. So after the picnic we traveled out to him. We prayed and sang a couple hymns. He nodded off through some of it... but it was a sweet time and I am always greatly encouraged and overwhelmed by how much love we are shown.

And the kids made quick work of covering my in-law's driveway with sidewalk chalk.

 

 

 

The past couple weeks have been hard. They have also been normal(ish)... and wonderful and heartbreaking and joyful. It is the tension we hold as believers in Christ. We have a big and mighty Hope in a big and Mighty God who is crazy faithful and amazingly loving... and He has shown himself to be big, mighty, faithful and loving the past couple of weeks... and I know He will continue to do so.



hard things

Andy has been on hospice now for a month.

Because of this new transition and the foreshadowing of something heavy and hard that awaits us, we have had to deal with a couple of heavy and hard things already.

hard thing 1.

Because of his worsening condition he was moved to his parents house last week. This was a decision Andy and I made long before it came to pass... when he as still able to think through things and understand what was happening.

His mother can take better care of him there and the boys have a little distance, so their memories of him will not be tainted by aids helping him with everything, and watching him deteriorate. Also, they can still run and play and be loud little boys at home now... I did not want to be shushing them and shooing them away all the time so Andy could rest. 

We visit the Captain everyday... for long stretches of time.

And even though this was the plan he and I made together... and even though it was time, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To pack up all his things and move him out of our home, knowing he would never be back. It broke my heart. Every time I would go back into the house for one more thing he might need, I would break down all over again.

 

When the boys and I went to leave and go back home, after getting him all moved in and situated at his parents, Andy thought he was going too. His face fell when I had to explain to him all over again that he was staying... that he would not be back home.

The Captain came to the door to wave goodbye to us... it is a memory seared into my mind. I cried all the way home.

 

 

And now my house is full and loud and messy from little boys, but it is also empty and silent and clean from the absence of my husband.


hard thing 2.


It occurred to me that although my boys and I talk of Heaven and of death a lot... we had never discussed the actual, tangible, physical things that happen. Specifically that when you die, if you believe in the work Jesus did on the cross, you will go to heaven but your body stays here.
When I realized the details I had been leaving out... I quickly became concerned that the boys, Rigg especially, might become confused.
So I took them on a field trip.
We went to Caden's grave and discussed what happens to a person when they die.
I explained that your body stays here and just your spirit goes to Heaven. (try explaining a spirit to a 5 & 3 year old!)
I went on to tell them that the body gets put in a box, buried in the ground and we put a stone with your name on it above where it is buried.
I used Caden as an example.
I told them that when Caden died, we put her body in a box, buried it and put her name on a stone above it. I reiterated that her body was in the ground but her spirit was in Heaven.
Rigg had a million and one questions.
"who puts the body in the box?"
"is it heavy?"
"how long does it stay buried?"
"what color is your spirit?"
"Can Caden's spirit hear us?"

As far as Ryder goes... I spent more time telling/yelling at him to not climb on the headstones.
~sigh~
 Rigg asked why they couldn't climb... to which I replied that it was disrespectful... and he came back with "why? they are not here... just their bodies."
I was struck silent for a moment, and then said...it is disrespectful to their families...
this seemed to suffice.
Rigg really amazes me sometimes.


hard thing 3.


I was hanging out with Andy one morning, just him and me.
We were watching a rerun of Fresh Prince, laughing at Will Smith in his neon nineties zoobaz pants when the Captain looked over at me and asked me a question.
Now, Andy doesn't speak so well anymore...like, actually not really at all ever... so when he tries, you stop everything to listen and try to make out the words.
I turned off the TV and gave him my full attention.
He very slowly asked "what is wrong with me?"
Which he has asked before... but he has always meant something different than the actual question.
But this time I could see in his eyes that he was really asking.
I took his hand and asked him if he remembered that he had a brain tumor...
I saw the recognition wash over him and then his eyes welled with tears. I squeezed his hand and asked if he was sad... he nodded. I asked if he was scared... he nodded.
Then we just sat and cried together as the knowledge of what is really happening to us washed afresh over him.

He forgets things so easily now. This is not the first time I have had to deliver bad news to him... news he had heard before. It's like a really horrible practical joke; having to give the same bad news to the same person over and over.

It is hard to watch him weaken, to see him being slowly erased from the Andy I once knew. However, he holds on to his joy and delight in the small things. He never complains, gets angry or frustrated. He is accepting and peaceful. The Captain is still silently leading.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.



Rewarded

Almost everywhere I go people ask how I am.

If that has been you... thank you for asking. Thank you for caring.

Thank you.

 

However usually my response is "we are OK"

which is true.

Life doesn't look much different today than it did 2 months ago.

And I suspect as life changes we adjust our sails accordingly and absorb the slight shifts.

 

I also do not think there is a way to prepare for grief.

So most days I awake to the boys already being loud and stamping about.

We eat, play, clean and do.

Andy sleeps.

A lot.

And we all live the day before us, hopefully, to the best of our ability.

 

The only changes I have really noticed since we decided to stop treatment are the slight increase in the Captain's sleeping and the slight decrease in his ability to move his right leg well.

He falls about 2 times a week. Give or take. He has yet to hurt himself, praise God. And it takes great effort by both he and I to hoist him back into an upright and standing position.

 

We have received so many cards, emails, texts, messages. It is overwhelmingly amazing. We feel loved and cared for and blessed. If you have sent me one... please know, I have read it, I have most likely responded in my mind... and then my hands and brain start to do something else and your sweet correspondence gets buried in my list. I know I have let some fall through the cracks... and I apologize. Please know I have read everything... and been blessed by your kind words of encouragement and prayer.

 

 

Since the decision to stop treatment... which is a phrase and an action people, in general, do not like to hear or accept... the reality of what is before us has begun to take shape.

Andy is dying.

It was not a decision made in haste. It was not made lightly.

And it was not made without thought or guidance.

And even though I am 100% confident that the decision we made was best for our family, for us, for Andy... It is still heartbreaking.

 

However I have had many moments of encouragement these past weeks. A sweet lady was sharing what she knew to be true of God in her own life... and her words have raced around my mind for over a week... following my thoughts and entering my conversations.

She said:

 "Heaven is our reward, not our consolation prize."

And I fell in love with it.

Because it is exactly how I had been feeling, how I had been thinking, how I wanted to tell people Andy and I were viewing this situation but couldn't come up with the proper way to do so....

But there it is... beautifully succinct and wonderfully stated.

 

 "Heaven is our reward, not our consolation prize."

 

And then Sunday the sermon was on Ecclesiastes 7:1-6

And I heard:

7:1 A good name is better than a good ointment,
And the day of one’s death is better than the day of one’s birth.
² It is better to go to a house of mourning
Than to go to a house of feasting,
Because that is the end of every man,
And the living takes it to heart. 

 

and was reminded that:

Psalm 116:15

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.

 

This is the view I hold on Caden's death... I mean, we even have a celebration on her Heaven day...

Because in my heart I know that the day she went to Heaven to be with Christ forever was far greater than the day she was born.

 

And so it will be with Andy... Because Andy has accepted Christ as his personal savior... when he dies he will go to Heaven, to be with Christ... to be with Caden, forever.

 

However, we are human. And with this knowledge and belief we also know there is pain with the death of a loved one. There is a tension to the death of a believer... between joy and grief.

Because, quite frankly, it hurts. It physically aches to miss someone you love.

But that hurt will be mine... not Andy's.

and, I know, the pain does not last forever.

God is gracious in that way.

 

So although we know what is in store... we talk about it openly... we discuss what it means for me, the boys and our families... we do not lose heart, instead we take courage because we know...

 

Heaven is our reward, not our consolation prize.

 

 

 

if your interested in the sermon I spoke of, It's available here. 

Upside Down - Biblical Better and Worse

2014/07/13

Speaker: Jym Gregory

Series: Words of Wisdom 5

Scripture:

Ecclesiastes 7:1-6

 

 



a decade of marraige

Today the Captain and I have been married 10 years.

 

10!

 

 

When I thought of writing this post, a lot of things came to mind.

I thought of doing a timeline of pictures, complete with commentary about said pictures and how God was shaping our lives.

 

I thought about showing you all pictures from our recent trip to Colorado and just telling you it was our anniversary celebration for this year.

 

I considered just posting an insane number of pictures of me and Andy, and commenting on how these past 10 years have changed not only our appearance, but our heart and our perspective.

 

However between real life (taking care of my boys, my hubby, my dog and my home) and my procrastination... you will get none of those very detailed posts.

 

What you will get is a video of our wedding reception.

Which I'm pretty sure I post every year.

(sorry)

 

It's about 10 minutes long.

Well worth it.

 

As Rigg said this morning while watching it "Daddy is talking! He doesn't have that cancer in his brain!"

Which is true... a fact, when pointed out by your beautiful son, makes you cry.

 

 

A few things to know before watching the video.

I was skinny... and very blonde.

The Captain had HAIR and liked to chew gum.

Our wedding party was big.

It was CRAZY hot and humid that day.

It rained so hard during the actual ceremony we didn't think we would have our reception.

But the rain did stop...

Because of the wet and humidity... our reception was mostly cake, chatting and dancing... we "forgot" the toasts, and all other formalities.

 

Jon is one of Andy's best friends who was serving in Iraq, not able to be with us.

My sister is giving her "belated" toast wet, because some bridesmaids jumped into the pool too... just not on camera.

(and, per her toast, I should mention, we fought a lot growing up... but are good friends now)

 

OK...

Enjoy my wedding day!