I miss her today.
Well, really, I miss her everyday... but today the ache is stronger. The hurt more tangible. The hole in my heart more exposed.
I want so many things. I want my life to slow down enough so I have time to cry... slow down enough to allow moments to think and process my grief. I want to spend time remembering the color of her eyes, the curve of her cheek, the rolls on her thighs, the smell of her hair, the sound of her jabber. I want what I cannot have...
her here.
I miss her today.
I have a mountain of folded clothes on my table ready to be put away. None of them are pink... none are for a little girl with blond hair and smiley eyes. And it makes me mad.
and it breaks my heart.
Last night before bed I snuggled Ryder close. He was heavy and warm and smelled of baby and applesauce. I closed my eyes and remembered. She was snugly and warm too. And as I sat there holding him in my arms...holding her in my memory, so close, I didn't want to open my eyes... to put him to bed... to step back into the present...
where I live and she does not.
But I did open my eyes...and I stared at my precious baby boy and was reminded of joy and of hope... of goodness and the blessings that come with loving someone so much it hurts. I said a prayer of thanks...for Ryder, for Rigg... for my beautiful Caden.
I miss her today.
Well, really, I miss her everyday...
5 comments:
Beautifully said. Everyday things is sometimes the hardest things to miss!!!
I rejoice in picturing the glorious day when you and your precious Caden are reunited again!
Thanks be to God . . .
Ok, this is the first time I have ever commented but this one got to me. I can't imagine what you are going through...and I hope to never have to but I think you put your feelings into words that let me know some of what you are feeling. I hope that makes sense! Anyway, you have a beautiful family and I wish for you comfort and peace!
Oh, well, you hit the nail on the head. I am so guilty of this. Somedays I just cannot take it, but we are to bear one another's burdens and go to God in prayer for others. And how can we go to Him in prayer unless we know and see the situations around us that need prayer? Please know that I am praying for you and Andy and seriously, what else can I do for you two?
Wow, Cari. This post broke my heart. Your words could totally be song lyrics. Seriously. I'm thankful for you and the way you love Caden. And I really admire how you anticipate heaven. Praying for you.
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