one day at a time.

I remember after Caden died it was easy to process my thoughts and feelings because I had the time.  I had the time to sit, write, reflect and read... I had time to review what had happened, what was happening, how God was working.

I want so much to do that in this time of my life.

But I lack one thing.

Time.

And I would fuss about it, except for what my life is now filled with is infinitely more precious than time. I might be tugged at and yelled for, I might ingest no warm meals, or warm coffee, I might sing the same song or read the same book over and over and over again... but I am blessed beyond what I deserve with the job of caring and raising my sons.

Some days... most days, I lose sight of that. I get tired, weary, restless with the monotony of mommy hood. I crave rest, time to sit and think a coherent thought with out being interrupted, to soak in what God wants me to learn.

I forget that in the midst of the chaos, in the throws of the day are those same lessons if I chose to see... If I can rise above the noise, the diapers, the busyness and the dirt long enough to really see. Now, in this moment, He can teach me just as much, if not more, than in the quiet.

I know life, yours and mine, is sometimes running from urgent moment to urgent moment. It is so hard to grasp the importance of long term in between the immediate. I struggle to mesh the everyday with the eternal. But God fits it together perfectly... My attitude and heart just block my view sometimes.

This is just one of the reasons my new motto is "One day at a time".

Not only does it keep me sane in regards to the stupid brain cancer that is so interfering in my life, but it helps me to see the everyday importance. Today is important. I am not just supposed to get through, or survive today. I am supposed to live God's principles today.. I am supposed to make a difference today, I am required to be present and focused today... I am supposed to reflect Him today.

When you see your life as a big picture it is so easy to get caught up in the worry and fear of the the future. I have more than once this week lost my grip on my "today" and my mind has run so far ahead... deep into my tomorrows. My heart was heavy with "what if's" and "how will I's". I was wrapped in fear and worry and I choked out tears. All for naught... because my reality for that day was not one of sorrow or loss. In fact... I had smiley, rambuncious boys... a strong, fighter of a husband... and a purpose for my day. I was wasting the moment on what may never be... what prayerfully, hopefully, God willing will never actually happen.

If it does, there will be a time to deal with the emotion, with the questions, with the happenings...

Now, today, thakfully, is not that time.

Now is the time to live today.

Today.

One day at a time.

"....each day is, in a certain sense, a complete life by itself. It has its own duties, its own trial,its own burdens and its own needs. The very best we can do for the perfecting of our life as a whole, is to live the one day well. We should put all our thought and energy and skill into the duty of each day, wasting no strength, either in grieving over yesterday's failures -- or in anxiety about tomorrow's responsibilities." ~ J.R. Miller

the painting of the chevrons... and some other stuff.

You know it's been awhile since you put up a blog post when your brother-in-law texts you complaining about your interwebby absence.

Sorry for the quiet, Ryan... usually you would enjoy me shutting up for a bit.  :)

I've just been a bit emotionally lazy. I have wanted to post... but when I started to think about it, it just made me tired. I knew if I sat down I would want to tell you about how I am... and that makes me tired.

And, quite frankly, I am getting a little tired of always talking about me and what we are going through and how we are feeling.

It's emotionally draining.

So, I'm gonna tell you we are OK, trying to live one day at a time and enjoying our time together.

and then I'm going to talk about nothing of import.

(I'm currently reading a Sherlock Holmes novel, hence the wordage.)

I have been lazy about posting... but I have done some home-improvement type projects. I took ample pics, so I won't be stingy... I'll share.

I have this fun little wall that juts out about 2 inches just above my fireplace. It makes it the perfect place for a small accent. When we first moved in, 7 years ago, I painted it chocolate brown. It has stayed that color for almost 7 years. Last week I decided it was time to change it. We already had all the paint and all the tools, so this was to be a free project... making it even more fabulous.

Well... I did buy frog tape, which I fell in love with and could go on and on about right now... I will spare you, but if you are ever going to paint anything ever, ever again... BUY THE FROG TAPE!!!!

You're welcome.

Here's what I stared with... looks nice, but it was yawnsville after 7 years.

The Captain and I painted our dinning room awhile back and I LOVE the color. It is a soft dove grey. It is warm and bright and lovely. So I had just enough to repaint the wall. I cannot stress to you "just enough". I was scrapping the inside of the pail. And then I threw the pail away and forgot to get the name of the paint... I could kick myself! (because, and don't tell the Captain because he will just sigh and roll his eyes, I really want to repaint my bedroom that color...)

Anyhoo...

I took a silent nap time one day last week and painted the wall.

Then I sat and looked at it for 3 days in it's new and delightful shade of happiness... and decided it needed more... I needed more.

This wall had more to give, my friends... much more.

I decided on white chevron.

Bold, I know... but I am nothing if not bold and daring.

So with the Captain gone... and the boys out of the house, I went to work.

Actually, I make it sound like I rushed around and got busy knowing exactly what to do, when in all reality I sat staring at the wall for a good 20 minutes with the utter realization that I had no idea how to map out chevrons...and I was all alone and no one to help me.

Math and I are not friends. Not even acquaintances...

So after my new friends YouTube and Google and I joined forces it was a piece of cake a little less hard. It would have been easier with a second set of hands... I could have used a chalk line for most of the lines... but seeing as how I had just me, I used tape for all of it.

This was the LONNNNNNGGGGGGEEEEEEEEST most tedious thing.

But it was SO worth it.

I could hardly wait to take off the tape and see the final product.

And when I did, I just sat on the couch and basked in the warm glow of the chevron wall.

I think I heard a small angel chorus.

and harps.

It was glorious.

I still feel that way... I love it.

And the Captain does too. (I'm positive he heard harps and angels... but he would never admit it.)

Because it's awesome.

....................................................................................

Also, we have this TV cabinet. It's as old young as our marriage, so...8 and a half years. It was WOBBLY. The Captain was scared that it was going to come crashing down on the kids because they are always climbing on it when I'm not looking. My response of "serves 'em right" was not good enough for him. Because we are not in the position to buy a new TV cabinet, I called in my dad to help me. He came over and helped me re enforce the back, and because the cheap back was coming off I took it out and replaced it with some fun fabric. Now when you open it, it's not so jank... and it is not a hazard to our offspring anymore either.

Win-win.

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The Captain finished his radiation this week. He is now home for good.

I love looking over seeing his face. I love that the boys have their Daddy back all the time now.

I am thrilled that Andy can start to recover a bit, get his energy back up... start to heal.

His next MRI is scheduled for March 12. We have heard from doctors that we will probably not see any change on this first scan... or maybe even in the second scan about 3 months out. Hopefully, if the chemo and radiation worked/are working by the 3rd scan we should see something.

I have been praying that whatever we hear after this first MRI, it would be encouraging and hopeful.

Thank you for all the cards, texts, emails and prayers. We covet them all. We feel so loved and cared for it's crazy.

Thank you.

In which I caption my life and Insta's

Do you miss my boys sweet faces?

I realized just the other day it has been many, many moons since I posted about them...

or put up some Insta's...

Are you having withdrawal symptoms from my neglect?

This post has no one specific point. I am just going to try and post some pics of what we have been up to the past few weeks, and comment the heck outta the pics.

Ready... it could be a long one.

(it's also entirely plausible that is you follow me on the FaceBook or the Instagram you could be quite bored with the recap.) 

The Captain is pretty worn out these days.

He comes home from getting his brain zapped with Radiation to two very energetic, rambunctious boys.

In a very real way he has no breaks... 

The boys are taking all the time they can with their daddy when he is home.

Even if it means just snuggle and movie time.

Ryder is adventurous. He ventures into places Rigg would only look at from afar. Ryder also gets himself into many a predicament. Most are pretty hilarious.

I'm the kind of mother who leaves a crying stuck child to go get my camera.

 I'm not sure what came through the house this day... but it wiped the energy our of all breathing souls within our walls. Ryder literally fell asleep on the hard floor...next to the dog.

I was kinda jealous.

 The boys love to vacuum. They are wanting to do so much themselves lately. I am all for handing over the cleaning.  They had a good time, and we had a very clean 'spot' on the rug.

It would seem they have a long way to go before they open their own sweeping business.

 This is a regular occurrence at our house. I'm still not quite sure what the appeal is, but they love sitting on their cars on the furniture. It gives a couple of my friends a slight heart attack... I say, it keeps them semi-quiet, busy and happy... go for it boys.

 Everybody loves it when daddy is home. Rigg has been such a marvel to watch as Andy has been gone. It has been so amazing to watch his little mind try to grasp concepts like daddy being away, daddy getting his head fixed by the Dr. Daddy's boo boo is in his head and you can't see it. Daddy's boo boo makes him really tired. How we have to pray for daddy and be brave.

It has been hard to give words to him in a way that I know he will fully understand... but he is trying.

 Everybody loves it when the Captain comes home!

 We received a care package in the mail last week from friends of friends. A couple I have only met once... years ago. She, her husband and her 4 small children packed some love, care and chocolate into a box for Andy, the boys and me. It was so touching. In fact, I can not really tell yo how often I have thought about her note, the love her children have for mine (kids they have never met) and the amazing encouragement it grew in me. Her 6 year old son prays for my boys everyday, and he prays they will be strong and courageous...

Blew my mind.

I cried more than a little that day.

I'm getting a bit lazy with ceremony around here.

Breakfast while watching a movie on the couch happens more and more.

I have no excuse.

I'm just really tired.

 I became insanely brave and bold and had my hair dyed RED.

I LOVE IT!!!!

I cannot express to you how happy I am that I did this. This is SO not like me. I have had the same cut and color almost my entire life. This was a huge risk for me. But I really, really, really like it.

I was doing my hair the other day after I had it done and Rigg was watching me. He came up to me and said, "Mom, you hair looks nice."

Thanks, buddy.

I KNOW!!!

 Rigg has such a sweet spirit. He asked me the other day if we could take some pictures to send to daddy while he was at the DR. 

Some days I just want to eat him up he's so precious.

 Rigg came to be the other evening with a baseball mitt in his hand a a soccer ball in the other. He rounded the corner and very excitedly announced that he wanted to play basketball.

I laughed out loud.

Either we have a lot of work to do, or we have a future trumpet player.

I was folding and putting away laundry just the other day when this hooligan comes barrelling through the living room on his Buzz car... butt naked.

Side-splitting fantastic.

He was so happy. I have never met another kid who likes to be naked more than Ryder.

I let him continue his streaking a few minutes before I had to wrestle him back into a diaper.

This kid.

It's hard to keep the boys away from Andy when he is home. 

Even when he is trying to lay down.

They just want to be with him all the time.

Andy doesn't mind too much. He's a great dad.

I was gifted a few awesome clocks.

I'm a bit obsessed with them and their awesomeness.

AS I was trying to figure out exactly what to do with them, it occurred to me that I do not need three timepieces grouped together telling me all the exact same time.

Light bulb moment.

I have me three clocks... I have me three kids.

So I set each one of the clocks to a time one of my precious babies entered this world.

Caden is the small yellow: 3:27pm

Rigg is the big blue: 5:08 pm

Ryder is the round orangy-red: 12:17pm

I had to dig to find Caden's. The boys I could go back and look up on the blog (just another reason why I love this blog) but I started it after Caden was born. I had to go dig... and I mean dig in her memory chest to find the time. I did well... maybe it was the fact that I was on a mission, but I did not sit and cry or feel sad over her things. I actually smiled at them.

God is amazing the way he can heal a heart.

This child is wearing me out. Actually he is wearing me down.

He is pushy, stubborn, disobedient and loud.

But he is also a snuggler and a lover.. and has the cutes smile and shouts "I love you!" from inside his crib about 47 times at night before he goes to bed.

Just when I am ready to hit the button to post him on Ebay... he comes and lays his head on my shoulder and says, "mama. love you"

melt.

(save posting for another time) 

The Captain sent me flowers today.

WHAT?!?!

Shouldn't he be the one getting flowers?

Silly Captain.

This is why he is amazing.

 This is Rigg's favorite song. He asks to listen to it all the time now. And he sings.

His sweet little 3 and a half year old voice singing "Bless the Lord, oh my soul." from the backseat gets me every time.

I love how his sweet spirit clings to these words of truth even before he can totally comprehend them.

God is amazing.

The Benefit

Sunday night, the 27th of January, we were shown an over-abundance of love and support in the form of a benefit dinner held in our honor.

When my friend Stacey told me about what was being planned (about a month ago) I was floored. Actually, I was a bit speechless... and if you know me, you realize how miraculous that really is.

 

After the Captain being out of work for so long last year we were fighting to make ends meet. To be honest, I'm not sure how we actually paid bills most months. Talk about a modern day miracle... the money just always came in time. However after this last surgery, and an unknown time off work, with no money coming in at all for months on end, I would be a liar if I told you I was not a bit worried.

When you are in a position like this it is not the easiest thing to share. There is a small fear of pity and judgement.

But God.

He took it upon Himself to provide through friends and family an amazing idea... and through the process He calmed my heart, gave me a peaceful humility to accept... and blessed the socks off of me and the Captain.

This Benefit has taken a load off of our backs... it has erased a nagging worry about our future. Andy and I are now able to focus a bit more on his health and recovery, and our family.

And that is truly a priceless gift.

I cannot say in any words used in the English language how amazing the dinner was. I want to... but everything I keep thinking of comes up short. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. Not in just an aesthetic sense, but we saw the heart of Christ through the love and generosity of His people.

I was, still am, awe struck.

Everywhere I looked I saw people I loved, people who love us, prayer warriors, friends, family... and it made me more than a bit giddy.

I kinda wanted to run around and spontaneously hug and kiss everyone who walked through the door...multiple times...

but for decorum's sake I restrained myself. 

(You're welcome Benefit Dinner guests, you're welcome.)

Of course there was a really schmancey dinner, but there was also an auction. Two, in fact. A silent auction and then a smaller live auction.

The silent auction was filled with all sorts of items. Ranging from a fiddle signed by Charlie Daniels to Coach sunglasses, a photography session, jewelry, signed photos of famous athletes... it was impressive.

The live auction was smaller, 5 items, and was by far the most I've laughed in awhile. Our friend Mark did an amazing job being the MC and Auctioneer. He is Hilarious and shinned in the role. He auctioned off 2 art prints, 2 handmade children's craft tables, a 207 lb hog, a behind the scenes TV experience, and a year's worth of Chic-Fila sandwiches. All to gales of laughter and amusement... mostly because his wife kept uping her bid for the prints!

Our former Pastor, and close friend Gary Walker was the Keynote Speaker. He has suffered the sorrow of losing a precious baby girl as well. So he was a perfect choice to share with others some of our story. He blessed me and touched my heart greatly as he used some of my own words from this blog in his speech to the crowd. He did and amazing job. Gary's words brought tears, but he brought encouragement and boldness as well. He shared the most important thing with all who were listening... the Gospel. 

We wanted, more than anything else that evening, for all to hear about Jesus. To know our life could impact another in the greatest of ways... salvation through Christ... would be the greatest joy.

That is why each moment of this life, no matter what the circumstance, is worth it... to point others to salvation.

Jesus.

And that was what the night really was about... or Who, I suppose... Jesus.

His love for His people.

His care for us.

His comfort and encouragement passed along to all who were there.

The Benefit dinner was a blessing to us. So much more than I can even put into words.

And what makes my heart really smile... I know it was a blessing to others as well.

Amazing!

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The Andrew D Chastain Sole Benefit Trust was set up to be ongoing.

If you have questions, or want more information you can read more about it here.

5

Caden was born 5 years ago today.

It's so surreal to me that I "have" a 5 year old child, or at least had a child who would have been five.

I live daily in a world of young boys... younger than 5. So it is hard for my mind to understand...to wrap my understanding around a 5 year old girl.

I try very hard not to think on the what if's... the could have been's. It really is not a good thing for me... it is the start of a downward spiral into grief and sadness... and doubt.

So I do not think on those things.

It has no good that comes out of it.

So what Do I think of?

Her sweet smile.

How you could see it in her eyes long before it reached her pretty lips.

Her strong, high pitched squeal that sounded a bit like a tea kettle.

Her contentedness. How she would go to anyone, was happy just about anywhere, and never fussed much.

I remember the feeling of holding her, of kissing her, of loving a sweet, sweet baby girl.

I miss her so much my heart wants to burst with the longing.

It's crazy how much it still hurts, the loss of her.

It's horrible how the hurt will hit you like a wave out of nowhere.

It's amazing how God has healed my heart so that in the moments of hurt, of pain, of sorrow... I can still have a peace and a joy deep within my heart.

I miss her. 

So much.

 

But because of Christ, it was not goodbye.

 It was see you later.

So toda, on her Birthday, I rejoice in the anniversary of the day I became a mommy for the first time.

I rejoice because God gave me a precious baby girl to care and love.

I praise Him for the gift of a longing for Heaven.

 So tomorrow the boys and I will celebrate Caden's birthday with donuts in the mornig and cupcakes after supper. She is a part of our little family, and the day she came into our lives will always be celebrated.

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.

Mommy and Daddy love you.

 

Rocks of remembrance

I have a good memory for some things... and a very bad memory for others. 

I can remember feelings, emotions and the overall feel of a certain time in my life much better than I can remember exact details.

Unless of course I was struck by something in the details... then I seem to have the memory emblazoned upon my brain.

It's kinda weird the way the mind works... what you remember... what you don't.

I know there are amazing, awesome things happening in my life. I see them daily in how my kids grow, I see them each week as God teaches me new truths about Himself and how I am to live... I see it in this new journey He has placed my family on. People being moved by Him to bless us.

And I don't want to forget... 

I want to be able to sit with my boys one day and tell them story upon story of how God provided, of how God worked... of proof that God is real.

I want to point to the fingerprints God has left on our life, on our family, and show them His sovereignty, His faithfulness... His lovingkindness to us.

As I was pondering this I was struck by the stories in the Bible of people who were impressed upon by God, who were guided, cared for and looked after.

How after a certain trial, dream, or event they build an alter to God.

I took this idea, of thankfulness... of remembrance, and adjusted it to fit our purpose.

So, what does one need to file away memories of God's provision and faithfulness?

Rocks, a sharpie and a glass jar.

oh, and of course a detailed list of what you want to remember and thank God for.

After some time spend with a notebook and some deep thinking, I had my list.

Double-checked by the Captain... added to, and checked again...

It was time for the rocks.

I wrote each memory, each gift, each provision that God had given specifically to us on the rocks. If they had a date, I wrote that date on the opposite side.If they just had a general timeline... I wrote the year, or the month and the year.

When I was done with my list... I remembered a few more...

It was so much fun to go back and see how much God has given and taken care of us.

It was also emboldening...strengthening, in a way. Seeing how God was faithful, even in things that seem minor, helps to give peace and perseverance. Seeing what He has done firms the foundation for knowing what He will do in the future... take care of our every need.

 

I added the rocks to a glass container and displayed it on our TV cabinet.

I hope to not only continue adding rocks as God continues to bless us, but I hope to take the rocks out from time to time and tell Rigg and Ryder how God has done great things for us; retelling the stories of our life.

 The stories that have God's fingerprints all over them.