There will be a day

Christmas is past. Well, at least the 2008 version. Christmas was nice. We had good times with all the fam. A friend came in from Canada, others from New York and Dallas, one cousin almost passing out in pain from what we think might be a gallbladder thingy, a new cousin (Baylor Wayne Cobb, 6 lbs. 8 oz. 19 in.) and I got to scrub vomit out of my Aunts carpet. (not the best job for a pregnant lady with an over-active gag reflex!) So all in all a pretty well rounded holiday.

It is an interesting thing. When you are bracing yourself for a tough day, it is usually the ones that follow that are the hardest. Today was a good day, but I cried a lot. I spent some time with 2 of my best friends. I was able to go with one to Cadens grave. It is still so hard to go and see my baby girls name etched in stone followed by all the days she lived here on this earth. We hugged and cried. I am blessed beyond measure with the friends God has given Andy and I.
It is one thing when people say they are sorry, it is another when they cry and feel the pain with you. I know all of my tears the Lord keeps. (Psalm 56:8) Mine as well as yours. But one day there will be no more tears. I love the Jeremy Camp song There will be a Day. I cry when I hear it on the radio. Because I love it so much, I have posted the lyrics at the bottom. ( ok so I added it to my playlist too...)

Speaking of tears, Andy has informed me that if I continue to cry during worship at church (which I do not see stopping anytime soon) that I should sit in the back as to not make a scene. This was said with a smile and a bit of sarcasm, but I think he meant it too :) I did have a friend say she could no longer sit behind me because she couldn't make it through worship without crying. Maybe next week, I will take a seat in back for the sake of those around me :)

As this year draws to a close, I am forced to reflect on all the Lord has taught me these past 365 days. This year has contained more joy and more sadness than I can even comprehend. I became a mother this past year. I learned what it was to love without getting in return. I have felt pain beyond what I have experienced before. I have leaned on God more in the past 3 months than I have in my entire life. I have not found Him wanting. He is all He has ever claimed to be. My list could go on and on.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long You feel your walking on your own But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.

A Little of this...

Today I woke up and cried. For some reason I couldn't stop. I went in and sat in my baby girls empty room and wept. Some days, like today, the hurt is more than I can deal with. It is like a big awkward box I carry around that I have no place for. Too big for this place, too heavy to sit on that, so I continue to stand there, not knowing what to do with it. So I hold it. And cry.

The past few days have been really good ones, for no other reason then I have spent them with good friends and have had good conversations. I suppose when you have a long string of good days, a hard one tends to loom on the horizon. I do think the crying might be past me today...Andy informed me I simply could not apply my make-up properly if I continued crying.

He was right.

So, for the sake of all those poor souls who have to view my face later today, I stopped the tears and finished the job credibly, if I do say so myself.

This past Thursday I had a Dr.'s apt. I was able to hear the heartbeat of baby Chastain for the 1st time. It was wonderful. 171 beats per min. I have a recording of the beautiful sound. Andy was unable to come, so I took a tape recorder so he could hear it. If you see me and want to hear it, I carry it around in my purse...so you can hear it too!

2 Fridays ago, I spent the afternoon with 3 people I love. we spent the entire afternoon baking and decorating cookies. Stacey came down with her beautiful son, Mindy came over with hers, and Barb gave us her kitchen to destroy. I will leave you some pictures of the fun.

I just want to say thank you to all of you who continue to hold us up to our heavenly Father in prayer. This Christmas is going to be very difficult for us. We know many of you are prayer warriors for our sake. I cannot express in words how grateful I am for you...I thank God every day for you.

Almost Famous

So last night was a blast.

I went with my friend Jen to see Selah in concert.

As most of you might know I have a healthy obsession with the singing group...I have a couple of their songs attached to this blog, as well as sing many more at the top of my lungs when they are played on the radio or throughout my house...I might do it at your house if I am ever there and you are playing them on the radio as well.

Anyhooo...it was AWESOME. They can sing people!!! Oh can they sing. I laughed, I cried, I worshiped...I wanted it to go on for ages and forever. But alas. It had to end.

So another fun thing....I got to meet 'em! Yup. shake hands and talk to them and everything. I really wanted to talk to Todd Smith because his wife writes the blog I stalk (this one) and I wanted to tell him how much of an encouragement she has been to me after Caden died. Well I got to talk to him and I told him how much I love his wife and about my sweet Caden. He was very nice. As I was talking I felt every part of the blubbering idiot I was, I just know I wanted to tell him all these things, because his family and his wife have meant so much to me. Only when I left did I remember that not one time did I mention how much I love his music!!! Can you believe I left that out!!!! I mean, HELLO. The man just spent the better part of two hours singing his heart out and all I say is " Hi, I lost my daughter too...I LOVE YOUR WIFE AND HER BLOG!!" ( or something to this effect) and didn't even mention that I am slightly obsessed with the wonderful group he sings in!!!!

IDIOT!

Anyway. I did get a pic with the group. You will kindly notice that I am behind the signing table WITH them, as if I am part of the group...that's right folks, just hanging with the band!

Enjoy the pic. (thanks, Mark, for having your camera phone ready!)

Giving Thanks

I LOVE Thanksgiving. It is true...it is my favorite holiday. Mostly because of the food...ahhh...the food. but I also love the family part. You know, the eating together, then hanging around the rest of the day and picking at the leftovers and playing games or watching the game on TV.

This year I know it is going to difficult for me and my family. I, and I think I am in the sever minority in my family, am still looking forward to the holiday. In fact I am blessed enough to have 3 in my near future...YEAH!

So let us be Thankful together to Him who has blessed us so abundantly.
Please leave a comment about why you thank God this year.

I will start.

I am thankful that God has opened my eyes to see the overflow of love, caring and prayer He has given us in the form of family and friends. I am in awe. I am thankful for my husband, who loves me beyond rational reason and sacrifices himself and his desires and wants for me more often than I deserve. I am thankful for new life. I am thankful I am a mommy, and had the immense pleasure of having a daughter. I am thankful that He is faithful, and carries me daily to places I have never been, nor would be without Him.

What are you thankful for?

unfair

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

This verse has been replaying itself in my mind over the past weeks. I try to put together the puzzle pieces my life has become, just to get frustrated or confused. I wonder if I will ever understand WHY. Then I answer myself...maybe, maybe not. Either way God is in control...He is good. One day I feel He is showing me wonderful new things, about myself, about why she is gone...other days, nothing is enough. I want her back.

That is all.

your ways are not My ways...

I want her back

My ways are higher than your ways

let me understand

As my days pass I long to see the full picture, to come to a full realization of why my baby, why me? Why my family, Lord? WHY? Knowing that I will not see it fully until I am on the other side of heaven...

I know then I will bow down and worship as I do not know how to on this earth.

I dream of heaven. Of seeing Christ. Of the splendor and majesty that I cannot fully comprehend. Of singing with the saints and angels "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty." Of seeing my Caden. Of pressing her baby soft cheek into mine. Of telling her how much her daddy and I love her, of her brother or sister...of how much I have missed her.

Life seems too long to wait for that day. Some moments contain too much time and pain for my weak body to handle...it seems unfair. And, yet, I know of nowhere in the scriptures where God has promised me fair...He has promised me comfort (2 Cor 1:3-4) he has promised to supply all my needs (Phil 4;19) He has promised me strength and support (1 Peter 5:10) but I do not know of anywhere in the bible where I have been promised fair.

And I am happy for it.

If I were promised fair, I would spend eternity in hell. If I were promised fair my sins would have settled for me my future of pain and suffering. But because of the unfair, the merciful, the Giver of the undeserving I have LIFE. Sweet, unshakable, incomprehensible eternal life in Christ Jesus my Lord. Who, Himself, thought of me while on the cross, and died in my place.

Because of His sacrifice, I am free... saved... rescued... redeemed...

Because of Jesus, I will see her again.

Thank You , Lord, that I do not understand Your ways. That You would die for a sinner like me is unfathomable. I may not understand all You do, but I rest in who You are.

Come quickly

Remember with me.

I had a good thought for a new post. But as I sit here to write it....I am too tired.

I miss my baby girl. Today I cannot get my thoughts in order, Everytime I started to type, I thought of my beautiful Caden.

I love thinking of her, although I still cry almost everytime I do. Remembering her feels sad and happy all at the same time and is, in a way, all we have of her.

Remember my Caden with me.

(please go to the music on the righthand side and pause it to hear the video.)

Also if you have time, check out the newest on this blog. She is such a good writer and I feel like she is writing for me...

Tag...I'm it.

My dear friend Katherine tagged me for a fun game of sevens. If you are interested in hers, you can see them here. It has taken me so long to develop my list... I had a hard time thinking of 7 weird or quirky things about myself, or just things in general that people didn't know about me.
Well, here goes...


1. I am a Harry Potter nerd. I love it! I own and have read all of the books. I read the whole series through about once a year...yes I really do. (I am not such a huge fan of the movies, I could go on a small tirade about how they are completely different than the books and hardly do the well written words and magnificent plot justice, but I will spare you.)

2. I am a huge reader. I read about 2 - 3 books a week if I have enough. Last week I read 3 books and started a fourth. They can be anything really. I love old classics as well as children's/pre-teen books, to science fiction to biography's. Anything as long as it is written well and can hold my attention. I have probably only not finished a book a handful of times in my life.

3. I simply refuse to leave the house without mascara. One day about a year and a half ago, I went to work, stopped in at the bathroom, realized I had forgotten my mascara and immediately left, went down the street to the CVS and bought some. I quickly applied it to my naked lashes before stepping foot back inside the building. It was a terrifying 15 min.

4. I LOVE school/office supplies and am freakishly annal about the organization of such items. I love the little drawer organizers. I would buy scads of things just to help organize the office here at home if I had the $$. I positively swoon when I enter a staples or office depot.

5. I am a napper. LOVE to nap. I am not talking a 30 min snoozer either. I am talking at least 2 hours. If you do not have a 2 hour window...you do not have enough time for a nap! I was a big napper before I ever got pregnant. When I was pregnant with Caden, I was a champ. Now with this new baby, I have excelled in all of my napping capabilities. Ahhh, I am getting sleepy just thinking about it.

6. I CANNOT wear black and brown together. I am well aware of both of these colors being neutral in all their shades and tones, as well as Stacy and Clinton telling myriads of people that they can certainly go together in an outfit because although they do not match, "they go". NO! I cannot! I have tried, I look in the mirror and have to immediately correct what is in my mind a HUGE mistake. Black with black and brown with brown...sorry Stacy and Clinton...

7. When I am having a hard time falling asleep at night, I make up stories in my head. Usually involving me and my husband or friends. Elaborate details and crazy plots...sometimes we are kings and queens. Other times we are pioneers headed west. Always in another place and another time. I always fall asleep before I can finish them. So I never really know how I would end a story...oh well

there you go folks. All my crazy out for all to see. Hoped you have enjoyed it. I am tagging Heather, Cristi , Stacey and Richard.

A look inside

The past week has been a strange mix of emotions. On one end of the spectrum you have joy, pure, unhindered, enthusiastic elation. On the other end, a sorrow that defies all definitions of grief and pain. And yet, they coincide. They live together, intertwining with one another and can somehow, inexplicably be felt at the same moment. Hope. Grief. Joy. Sadness. Laughter. Tears. All mixed together in one heap of emotion.

Before Caden's death I would have told anyone, unabashedly, that I was not a cryer. "Have you met my mother? Now there is a cryer!" God changes us. I now cry with the best of them...although I still have a ways to go to catch up to mom...
I would also said I was not a worrier...I leave that to Andy, he is better at it than me, I find it wastes to much energy.

Lately, I worry. I hate it. It feels foreign and ugly. I fear all sorts of things that I know would never have entered my mind if Caden was still on this earth with me. Things that seem clearly rational to the human mind, people say "It's OK to think that, it's just natural after what you have been through."

I fear that I will never let this new child alone in their crib, what if something were to happen and I was not there?
Am I going to be a crazy, psycho mom who never lets her kids do things for fear of them getting hurt?
I seize up at any cramp or twinge I feel with this pregnancy. I wonder..."Is this normal? Did I go through this with Caden?"
Will I be as laid back and let other people enjoy my baby as I did before?
The list goes on like this....

But my soul cries out to take the fear and worry away. I know the fear, the worry, is a lack of trust in God. I long to rest in Him, without effort. But some days it takes all I have. A new decision to trust Him every hour. Over and Over again, I have to choose to trust. 1 Peter 4:7 says " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Every day, every hour, I have choose to cast my cares and fears and worries upon Him. If I hang on to them, they tear me apart slowly, silently, until I cannot move or think because of the fear.

Philippians 4: 6 tells us "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Then comes the best part...the part that I long for. vs 7 " And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I have felt that peace before. The week my daughter died was the best week of my life. No, don't go back and read that again, you read it right. It was the best week of my life. I was surrounded by Gods love and peace. I cannot describe in words the comfort and support Andy and I felt those first few days. God is faithful to His promise.

He will continue to be so.

My God is the same.

My Jesus never changes.

As I fight this battle against fear and worry, I know my God is stronger than my enemy. I need only to trust in Him, in His plan for me. I would never have chosen for my precious Caden to die...but it is what God wanted for me. If I can say that and believe it and still trust Him, than I can surely trust Him with my new baby. As well as all the things that come along with him or her.

As for me being a crazy, psycho mom...we will just have to wait and see. :)

He Gives

Last night was girl's night. About once a month I am fortunate enough to get together with some of my best friends just to hang out and keep up on one another's lives.

I was very much looking forward to this particular girl's night because I had some fun news I wanted to share with my friends.

I took their picture...it is, sadly, very blurry, but I still think it conveys their sincere emotions.

This picture was taken seconds after I stated that I am 6 weeks pregnant.

YES I AM! Although, it seems highly improbable, nothing is impossible with God. (We were,well, stunned to say the least!)

God has been good to Andy and I. It is an interesting mix of emotions. While still grieving, we celebrate new life. This new baby does not replace Caden, but it gives hope and joy for the future.

Please continue to pray for us and our families as we press on in our sorrow and our joy. Now you can add a healthy baby to your prayer list.

He gives and takes away...now, he has chosen to Give.

Praise Him with us...

Thriller

Least y'all think I have changed my blog completely and only tell deep and meaningful things ( I laugh as I type that, because if you know me at all, you know the only way I can go deep is if someone else takes me down with them....I tend to skim along the top. Me a deep thinker...ha!) I would like to share what I did this evening.

I went to a class to learn the dance to Michael Jackson's Thriller.

You heard (saw?) me right. SO MUCH FUN! I went with my super fun friend Jen Gunnels. It was a great "get away" from everything and a fun time to laugh and sweat. So there it is folks...my crazy evening. I hope you all enjoy the mental picture of me with my zombie claws marching to the beat of the music! ( next time I see you if you ask for a move or 2 I will oblige)

Side note: a big thanks to all who are such wonderful prayer warriors for me and my family. I do not know how we could continue through life without brothers and sisters like you. There will be many crowns and treasures in Heaven for you "behind the scenes" people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Andy and I love you. ( and only ask that you continue, as I know you will)