Giving Thanks

I LOVE Thanksgiving. It is true...it is my favorite holiday. Mostly because of the food...ahhh...the food. but I also love the family part. You know, the eating together, then hanging around the rest of the day and picking at the leftovers and playing games or watching the game on TV.

This year I know it is going to difficult for me and my family. I, and I think I am in the sever minority in my family, am still looking forward to the holiday. In fact I am blessed enough to have 3 in my near future...YEAH!

So let us be Thankful together to Him who has blessed us so abundantly.
Please leave a comment about why you thank God this year.

I will start.

I am thankful that God has opened my eyes to see the overflow of love, caring and prayer He has given us in the form of family and friends. I am in awe. I am thankful for my husband, who loves me beyond rational reason and sacrifices himself and his desires and wants for me more often than I deserve. I am thankful for new life. I am thankful I am a mommy, and had the immense pleasure of having a daughter. I am thankful that He is faithful, and carries me daily to places I have never been, nor would be without Him.

What are you thankful for?

unfair

Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

This verse has been replaying itself in my mind over the past weeks. I try to put together the puzzle pieces my life has become, just to get frustrated or confused. I wonder if I will ever understand WHY. Then I answer myself...maybe, maybe not. Either way God is in control...He is good. One day I feel He is showing me wonderful new things, about myself, about why she is gone...other days, nothing is enough. I want her back.

That is all.

your ways are not My ways...

I want her back

My ways are higher than your ways

let me understand

As my days pass I long to see the full picture, to come to a full realization of why my baby, why me? Why my family, Lord? WHY? Knowing that I will not see it fully until I am on the other side of heaven...

I know then I will bow down and worship as I do not know how to on this earth.

I dream of heaven. Of seeing Christ. Of the splendor and majesty that I cannot fully comprehend. Of singing with the saints and angels "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty." Of seeing my Caden. Of pressing her baby soft cheek into mine. Of telling her how much her daddy and I love her, of her brother or sister...of how much I have missed her.

Life seems too long to wait for that day. Some moments contain too much time and pain for my weak body to handle...it seems unfair. And, yet, I know of nowhere in the scriptures where God has promised me fair...He has promised me comfort (2 Cor 1:3-4) he has promised to supply all my needs (Phil 4;19) He has promised me strength and support (1 Peter 5:10) but I do not know of anywhere in the bible where I have been promised fair.

And I am happy for it.

If I were promised fair, I would spend eternity in hell. If I were promised fair my sins would have settled for me my future of pain and suffering. But because of the unfair, the merciful, the Giver of the undeserving I have LIFE. Sweet, unshakable, incomprehensible eternal life in Christ Jesus my Lord. Who, Himself, thought of me while on the cross, and died in my place.

Because of His sacrifice, I am free... saved... rescued... redeemed...

Because of Jesus, I will see her again.

Thank You , Lord, that I do not understand Your ways. That You would die for a sinner like me is unfathomable. I may not understand all You do, but I rest in who You are.

Come quickly

Remember with me.

I had a good thought for a new post. But as I sit here to write it....I am too tired.

I miss my baby girl. Today I cannot get my thoughts in order, Everytime I started to type, I thought of my beautiful Caden.

I love thinking of her, although I still cry almost everytime I do. Remembering her feels sad and happy all at the same time and is, in a way, all we have of her.

Remember my Caden with me.

(please go to the music on the righthand side and pause it to hear the video.)

Also if you have time, check out the newest on this blog. She is such a good writer and I feel like she is writing for me...

Tag...I'm it.

My dear friend Katherine tagged me for a fun game of sevens. If you are interested in hers, you can see them here. It has taken me so long to develop my list... I had a hard time thinking of 7 weird or quirky things about myself, or just things in general that people didn't know about me.
Well, here goes...


1. I am a Harry Potter nerd. I love it! I own and have read all of the books. I read the whole series through about once a year...yes I really do. (I am not such a huge fan of the movies, I could go on a small tirade about how they are completely different than the books and hardly do the well written words and magnificent plot justice, but I will spare you.)

2. I am a huge reader. I read about 2 - 3 books a week if I have enough. Last week I read 3 books and started a fourth. They can be anything really. I love old classics as well as children's/pre-teen books, to science fiction to biography's. Anything as long as it is written well and can hold my attention. I have probably only not finished a book a handful of times in my life.

3. I simply refuse to leave the house without mascara. One day about a year and a half ago, I went to work, stopped in at the bathroom, realized I had forgotten my mascara and immediately left, went down the street to the CVS and bought some. I quickly applied it to my naked lashes before stepping foot back inside the building. It was a terrifying 15 min.

4. I LOVE school/office supplies and am freakishly annal about the organization of such items. I love the little drawer organizers. I would buy scads of things just to help organize the office here at home if I had the $$. I positively swoon when I enter a staples or office depot.

5. I am a napper. LOVE to nap. I am not talking a 30 min snoozer either. I am talking at least 2 hours. If you do not have a 2 hour window...you do not have enough time for a nap! I was a big napper before I ever got pregnant. When I was pregnant with Caden, I was a champ. Now with this new baby, I have excelled in all of my napping capabilities. Ahhh, I am getting sleepy just thinking about it.

6. I CANNOT wear black and brown together. I am well aware of both of these colors being neutral in all their shades and tones, as well as Stacy and Clinton telling myriads of people that they can certainly go together in an outfit because although they do not match, "they go". NO! I cannot! I have tried, I look in the mirror and have to immediately correct what is in my mind a HUGE mistake. Black with black and brown with brown...sorry Stacy and Clinton...

7. When I am having a hard time falling asleep at night, I make up stories in my head. Usually involving me and my husband or friends. Elaborate details and crazy plots...sometimes we are kings and queens. Other times we are pioneers headed west. Always in another place and another time. I always fall asleep before I can finish them. So I never really know how I would end a story...oh well

there you go folks. All my crazy out for all to see. Hoped you have enjoyed it. I am tagging Heather, Cristi , Stacey and Richard.

A look inside

The past week has been a strange mix of emotions. On one end of the spectrum you have joy, pure, unhindered, enthusiastic elation. On the other end, a sorrow that defies all definitions of grief and pain. And yet, they coincide. They live together, intertwining with one another and can somehow, inexplicably be felt at the same moment. Hope. Grief. Joy. Sadness. Laughter. Tears. All mixed together in one heap of emotion.

Before Caden's death I would have told anyone, unabashedly, that I was not a cryer. "Have you met my mother? Now there is a cryer!" God changes us. I now cry with the best of them...although I still have a ways to go to catch up to mom...
I would also said I was not a worrier...I leave that to Andy, he is better at it than me, I find it wastes to much energy.

Lately, I worry. I hate it. It feels foreign and ugly. I fear all sorts of things that I know would never have entered my mind if Caden was still on this earth with me. Things that seem clearly rational to the human mind, people say "It's OK to think that, it's just natural after what you have been through."

I fear that I will never let this new child alone in their crib, what if something were to happen and I was not there?
Am I going to be a crazy, psycho mom who never lets her kids do things for fear of them getting hurt?
I seize up at any cramp or twinge I feel with this pregnancy. I wonder..."Is this normal? Did I go through this with Caden?"
Will I be as laid back and let other people enjoy my baby as I did before?
The list goes on like this....

But my soul cries out to take the fear and worry away. I know the fear, the worry, is a lack of trust in God. I long to rest in Him, without effort. But some days it takes all I have. A new decision to trust Him every hour. Over and Over again, I have to choose to trust. 1 Peter 4:7 says " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Every day, every hour, I have choose to cast my cares and fears and worries upon Him. If I hang on to them, they tear me apart slowly, silently, until I cannot move or think because of the fear.

Philippians 4: 6 tells us "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Then comes the best part...the part that I long for. vs 7 " And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I have felt that peace before. The week my daughter died was the best week of my life. No, don't go back and read that again, you read it right. It was the best week of my life. I was surrounded by Gods love and peace. I cannot describe in words the comfort and support Andy and I felt those first few days. God is faithful to His promise.

He will continue to be so.

My God is the same.

My Jesus never changes.

As I fight this battle against fear and worry, I know my God is stronger than my enemy. I need only to trust in Him, in His plan for me. I would never have chosen for my precious Caden to die...but it is what God wanted for me. If I can say that and believe it and still trust Him, than I can surely trust Him with my new baby. As well as all the things that come along with him or her.

As for me being a crazy, psycho mom...we will just have to wait and see. :)

He Gives

Last night was girl's night. About once a month I am fortunate enough to get together with some of my best friends just to hang out and keep up on one another's lives.

I was very much looking forward to this particular girl's night because I had some fun news I wanted to share with my friends.

I took their picture...it is, sadly, very blurry, but I still think it conveys their sincere emotions.

This picture was taken seconds after I stated that I am 6 weeks pregnant.

YES I AM! Although, it seems highly improbable, nothing is impossible with God. (We were,well, stunned to say the least!)

God has been good to Andy and I. It is an interesting mix of emotions. While still grieving, we celebrate new life. This new baby does not replace Caden, but it gives hope and joy for the future.

Please continue to pray for us and our families as we press on in our sorrow and our joy. Now you can add a healthy baby to your prayer list.

He gives and takes away...now, he has chosen to Give.

Praise Him with us...

Thriller

Least y'all think I have changed my blog completely and only tell deep and meaningful things ( I laugh as I type that, because if you know me at all, you know the only way I can go deep is if someone else takes me down with them....I tend to skim along the top. Me a deep thinker...ha!) I would like to share what I did this evening.

I went to a class to learn the dance to Michael Jackson's Thriller.

You heard (saw?) me right. SO MUCH FUN! I went with my super fun friend Jen Gunnels. It was a great "get away" from everything and a fun time to laugh and sweat. So there it is folks...my crazy evening. I hope you all enjoy the mental picture of me with my zombie claws marching to the beat of the music! ( next time I see you if you ask for a move or 2 I will oblige)

Side note: a big thanks to all who are such wonderful prayer warriors for me and my family. I do not know how we could continue through life without brothers and sisters like you. There will be many crowns and treasures in Heaven for you "behind the scenes" people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Andy and I love you. ( and only ask that you continue, as I know you will)

For such a time as this...

Ester 4:14 says "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

This verse was said Sunday during the worship service, about a situation totally different than mine, but the man speaking was using it to ask people about their future. What does God have in store for you?

I thought about this verse. Ester was in a position to be able to save her people, but it could possibly cost her her life...it is a great story. Her uncles comment to her (vs 14) clearly says, how do you not know if God has only given you this position of royalty so you can do a great work for Him?

I was struck by this comment...How do I not know that God has not taken my precious Caden so that I might do a great work for Him.

Not long ago I met once a week with a wonderful older woman and chatted about life. She had much to say and great wisdom to pass along. One thing she repeated to me often was this: Always ask, in every situation, what is God trying to teach me? I have thought about this allot lately. I wonder, what is God trying to teach me?

I have come up with a few things.

1. I am not as 'in control" as I thought
2. It is OK to grab at the 1st black purse one sees in Target as you are running for the check-out lane trying not to break down
3. It is also perfectly OK to cry like a crazy woman in the Target check-out lane
4. Always carry tissues. LOTS of tissues
5. He will carry me when I cannot walk
6. I can trust Him with...everything, even the death of my baby girl

If God can use me, (the crazy crying woman in the Target check-out lane grasping a, thankfully on sale, black purse) than I will let Him. This has been the hardest season of my life. I do not know what tomorrow looks like, let alone next month. One day I am fine, I laugh all day, the next it is hard to get out of bed and tears stain my face for all to see.

BUT GOD

DO you see the wonder in that small statement. I cannot. But God... He can do all, I need not do anything but trust Him. But God has brought me to this place. He wants me here, in this dry and weary desert place. He has taken my hand and is leading me through it. I cannot see the end, I do not know how long we will be here, but I am with Him. I am OK.

He has brought me here, in the sight of all, for such a time as this.

I do not know what God has in store for me in such a time as this, I, like Moses, only ask one thing of Him; Show me Your glory.

Real

Today it has been one month since Caden died.
I am sad. My heart hurts.

The past few days have been hard. The grief, if that is what this is, is like a throbbing pain that starts by squeezing my heart and works it's way out through my fingertips. I can feel the hurt. I have cried. I have sobbed. I have sat and stared at the dust particles dance in and out of the sunlight. I have read my bible and thanked God. I have prayed for comfort, for release from some of the pain. I have prayed for you, who are praying for me.

I went to Caden's grave today. I sat and cried for my little girl. Stupid thoughts went through my head, like "it's so cold today, my poor, sweet baby is in the cold." I know she is not there. I just cannot stop being a mommy I guess. I long to touch her soft cheek, to show her the beautiful falling leaves. To put on the pink sweater I bought her a month ago that she never got to wear. I want to hold her, and kiss her. I want her. My arms ache with the loss of her.

I was reading another blog yesterday and the lady who wrote it had lost a daughter. Suddenly, mid sentence, I could take no more. I was completely overwhelmed by the thought that this, my life without my baby girl, is forever. There was too much time, too much pain and too much of my weakness in that one moment. I sprinted from the computer and locked myself in the bathroom. The air was too thick to breathe, the motion of the earth was shoving me to my knees. I was lost, for a brief moment in time, in the grief. I slowly regained my composure and righted myself. 5 min. later I walked out of the bathroom back to normalcy...well maybe not normalcy, but not crazy, hysterical crying woman anyway. I dodged the computer and decided, no more tonight...clearly I was not ready for this woman's amazing words...maybe tomorrow. (or next year whenever I become brave again :))

So many of you have commented to me how amazing and strong I am. It is not me...it is Christ in me. I am the woman in the sentences above. The crier, the doubter, the one who crumbles under the weight of it all...I am weak. I want to be real with you, so you may see the power Christ has in my life. I cry, I collapse in sobbing spasms and just try to hold myself upright. I cry out to God to take it away. I want out...

I am weak, but He is strong.

You see Him.

I praise Him for that.

2 Corinthians 12:9 the Lord says "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.


Andy and I long to know how the life and death our of precious daughter has changed lives. I am not a scrapbooker ( I know many of you are shocked, but it is far too expensive for me and it is an on-going project...the thought of an unfinished anything undoes me.) and I love the thought of keeping a journal but I have never been one to write. This blog is slowly becoming my journal, my scrapbook, my memory of my life, of Caden's life. So I ask a favor.

If my daughter's life or death has changed your life, or someone else's life around you, please, please, leave a comment sharing these stories with Andy and I.

We know God is using this in people's lives, and He has been gracious enough to show us little glimpses of that, but I long to see more. Help me remember the work God has done and continues to do, by leaving a comment about how Caden's life and death has affected you, this way not only I can have the privilege of seeing God's work but others can too. Please. (as you can see I am not above begging! :))

Almighty

This morning I was preparing to "get into" my quiet time and bible study. I am in Bible Study Fellowship (I love it) and we are going through the life of Moses. I prayed before I opened my bible that God would show me part of Himself. Well I finished today's lesson, and it was pretty straightforward...

Ahem....Lord, my prayer?

I kept reading, going beyond the lessons I had at hand.(to chapter 14) I came to the part where Moses had lead the Israelites out of Egypt and the were resting by the sea. Pharaoh and his advisers were angry they had let the Hebrews go, so they were on the hunt. When the Israelites see Pharaoh and his army approaching they get all hot and bothered and ask Moses "was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?"(vs.11) I love the sarcasm and anger you hear in that comment. I have been there with God before..the why, the anger, and of course with me....the sarcasm :). They tell Moses they would rather have gone back to the horrendous back-breaking life as Egypt's slaves than be killed free men. "It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert."(vs.12)

This last comment from the angry, scared Hebrews made me pause. I stared at it...then a question came to mind.

Who would I rather serve than go through the desert with my God?

No One.

Then Comes the really cool part.
vs. 13 says Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. vs.14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Psalm 46:10-11 says
Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."

in Mathew 11: 28 Jesus says
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Moses knew God would deliver them because He said He would. The Israelites could not see God because they were staring their circumstance straight in the face.
Of course the story ends with Moses parting the Red Sea (yes the whole sea!) and the Israelites walk across on DRY! land. When the Egyptians try to follow the sea collapses back on itself and swallows them up. And there the Hebrews are...Saved. Safe.

I have been looking at my circumstance the past few days...right in it's face. I have cried more the last 2 days then I did the first 2 days...sadness and grief are heavy on my heart.

Today, if I cry, that is OK, but I know Who my God is. He is able to fight my enemies for me. My enemies of doubt, of guilt, of the what ifs...My Lord is stronger than all my enemies combined. The Almighty is my fortress, If I run to Him, He will give me rest...and I only need to be still....

Who are you trusting in today? Would you rather be a slave to sin than be free in the uncertain terrain God has planned?

Not me...

Lord, show me...I will follow.