and it was wonderful

How does one go about thanking all of the people who have been there for them in tough times...well, really there is no way to thank them enough.

The Captain and I decided to just throw a party. A thank you/ we made it/ chemo is done/ we want to hang out and get together with friends for a happy reason party.

About 50 people were able to show up. It was very informal. A hang out. A let your kids run wild, chat with friends, eat junk kinda get together...it was wonderful.

We had family, friends, friends who are really family, family who are also friends....you get the picture. I had such a wonderful time. Rigg stayed up WAY too late, and we had WAY too much food.

I cannot describe how wonderful it was to get together with friends and loved ones to celebrate God's goodness to us over this past year. These people were there for us when we needed them most. How great to see them, chat with them, and just be.

My friend Mindy set up a "Blessing Book" table. There was a lovely sign that stated if you have been blessed by our lives this past year, or would like to pray a blessing over us to please write down. Lovely paper was provided...I would LOVE to open that up to you as well. If you were at the party and missed the table, or were unable to make it...or are just now reading about it. If you have a blessing to share...please do so. I would love to print them out and put them into my "Blessing Book" so the Captain and I have a tangible way to look back on this past year of blessings and see some of what God has done.

Hopeful

A little over a year.

That is all it has been.

In some ways it feels like a century, in others, days, moments, seconds ago that the craziness began. The craziness that has been our past year.

417

417 days since she died.
396 since I found out God gave us another child.
198 days since the Captain's tumor was discovered.
195 days since the surgery.
146 days Rigg has been here with us.

When I think about all we have been through in such a short span of time, my head spins a little. My thoughts get all jammed together and nothing really produces itself. It is almost like reading a story. A story of someone else’s life.

Did those things really happen?
Did they happen to me?

I am hopeful that we have come out on "the other side". I am hopeful we will press on and just smile and chuckle at "the year of the crazy". I am hopeful.

And yet, a weird, strange part to of me is sad when I think of the future...a future where we will meet people for the first time and they will not know of "the year". They will not know of the struggle, the trials, the heartache, the tears...they will not have heard of the tumor, the chemo, the precious baby girl gone so fast...so soon. They will be oblivious to the year that has shaped us, has molded us, has changed us so profoundly we are not the same. We are different. 417 days different. They will never know...

I am stumped when I think about how do you carry this change, this new, this other with you so others are aware...

The answer...I do not think you do. I think from here on out we will not be seen as the changed ones, the Captain and I, we will be seen for who we have been changed into.

However, I am hopeful that it will not be us that people see.

If I have learned anything at all this past 417 days, I hope they do not see me.

I hope they see Jesus.

Miss, why are you drooling?

I have been to the dentist 3 times in the last 4 weeks.
The first visit was a cleaning. My husband informed me before I went to tell the Dr. that our insurance was changing and if I needed any work done,(Just dental work...I was told by the Captain that our dental insurance, as good as it is, does not cover a tummy tuck, sigh )  to please schedule it before the end of the year.

So because I have been pregnant for the past, you know, 78 years, I had missed a cleaning...or 4. I had 2 cavities as well as chipped filling. And of course they were on total opposite sides of my mouth. SO. After the cleaning, I was promptly scheduled for 2 more consecutive visits to fix the problems.

I went in for the first cavity session last Thursday. It took an hour. The whole bottom right side of my mouth was numb for hours, as well as my tongue. After the numbness wore off my jaw ached for days. All of this making me welcome this Thursday with much anticipation...or grumbling and hesitancy...however you want to put it.

I went in today for the second filling. My upper left back molar. This time they numbed the top upper left lip. This was a little different. I could still feel most of the inside of my mouth, but the outside of my cheek was way numb. That, and my lip didn’t work properly. It made it almost impossible to drink out of a glass, and I am sure I was given very weird looks when I laughed...I kinda looked like I was doing an Elvis impression.

It took 6 hours to fully wear off
me...Elvis...6.hours.

I did take a pic of myself with my phone and sent it to my friend Cristi...because it was stinkin' hilarious!

I am better now. No more Elvis. And I can drink out of a glass.

My smile is back.

My pucker is back.

A joy to the Captain, I am sure!

And no worries...my sass never left!

How did I miss that?

Do you know what I found yesterday?

You will never believe it...well, may be you will.

You should because it is true.

My 4 and a half month old son...

He has 2 teeth.

How did I miss that?

Ugly

And right then and there I realized I was scum. I realized how much of a sinner I am. It was an ugly, ugly thing. When the realization hit...I sat on my cold, hard kitchen floor and cried.


Saturday morning dawned bright and sunny over the Midwest landscape. I awoke to sun and blue skies. It was a perfect day to get all of the scheduled projects done...projects I had been much anticipating over the last few months. We had it all worked out. Big things were going to happen today.

Until the captain told me he didn't feel well...this was a wrench in my perfect plan. "lay down for a bit, maybe you will feel better." So he did. I fed the babe, cleaned up a bit...then went in and checked on the captain...he still felt terrible.

me: should I cancel the plans for today?
captain: yeah, I am sorry.
me: ok, fine.

I left the room very angry. I stomped into the kitchen, looked out at the backyard and ranted in my head. I am tired! I am tired of always having to make "game time" decisions. I am tired of having a husband that is sick, nauseated and exhausted from the chemo. I am tired of things never going my way!!! I think you could have seen steam come out of my ears. Right before me I saw my grand plans for the day crumble. All my projects did a little jig in my mind taunting me in their uncompleted state. I was angry...and then it happened.
I saw myself for what I really was...angry for no reason...complaining without merit...sinning.

It. was. ugly.

Was Andy's health not more important than my "to do" list? Was my goal for the day to be placed higher then a right attitude? Was not getting my way in such a small thing worth it? I mean, he can't really help being sick, the chemo messes with his immune system, and causes the fatigue. I had no reason in the world to be as mad as I was.

And right then and there I realized I was scum. I realized how much of a sinner I am. It was an ugly, ugly thing. When the realization hit...I sat on my cold, hard kitchen floor and cried. hard. The captain deserved a better wife than that. I should be taking care of him. Not making him feel guilty for ruining my plan. I should be in enjoying my son, not sulking in the corner of the kitchen. I should make the most of the day God has given me.
I hung my head in shame and humiliation.

Andy came in and asked why I was on the floor.
because
what's wrong?
I am sorry. I am sorry you do not feel good. I am sorry I was such a jerk...I am so sorry.
are you OK?
go back to bed. you should be in bed. I am sorry.

I sat on the floor and asked Gods forgiveness for my sinful, childish behavior. I know He forgave me. (1John 1:9) I asked Andy's forgiveness too. He forgave me, even though I was a jerk.

Talk about taking you down a peg. God still has much work to do in me.
I think sometimes, even though I know in my head I have a long way to go, I secretly think that I am doing Ok. It is in times like the ones yesterday that God shows me how far from Ok I really am. How ugly my heart really is.
I am so thankful that when I see me for who I am without Christ, I can fall on my knees and crawl back to the only One who can forgive me. Who has already forgiven me...and has even taken the penalty for my sin.
 
It is interesting the moments that stick with us. As ugly as this moment in my life was, I have a feeling it will stick with me for a long time. Hopefully providing me with a good reminder of what is important. That and how much I need a Savior. Every day. Every hour. Every minute.

On the way to church this morning I was thinking about yesterday. The song Only Grace came on.
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
Has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it’s clear


There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

A perfect way to sum up, I think. Grace to cover the ugly...Thank you God.

Like sister, like brother

Yesterday I put Rigg in the doorway jumper for the first time. He LOVED it. It didn't surprise me much. he loves being up-right and loves to kick his legs. This lets him do both without having to work as hard as the excersaucer and bumbo seat. He can just hang out, twirl, spin, kick and jump his heart away. As I was taking pictures of him in the jumper, I was suddenly struck by a since of deja vu. Caden loved the jumper as well...you might remember from here.

They are so alike and so different. As are most siblings, I am sure. The older he gets, the more he resembles her. But their personalities are very distinct. This is an answer to a prayer I prayed while pregnant. I asked God to make Rigg so much his own person that we would not expect Caden from him...that we would not try to make him into his sister...that we would enjoy Rigg for who God made him to be, not who we wanted him to be. God has answered...in many ways. One of which is He has given me a son who already knows the difference between HGTV and a football game on TV. He is much more interested in the football game, to the delight of his father. We could not be more happy to see Rigg blossom and grow with each passing day into who God made him to be.

It is a bit heart-wrenching sometimes seeing the shadow of his beautiful sister in his face and actions...or in his love of a certain toy or mirror. God knows...He prepared this for us a long time ago...

The end of an era...we hope.

Today is a much anticipated, long awaited day of sorts...today is the Captain's last day of chemo.

Tonight the Captain will swallow the last 2 poison pills, ahem, I mean, chemo pills and then he has completed the 6 months.

We are looking forward to more energy, less nausea and hopefully a tumor free future.

Andy' surgeon said no more MRI's until next April...Andy's Oncologist would like one after the chemo regimen is over...So we have one scheduled for November 16th. Please pray for the Captain. Andy hates MRI's. As well as the outcome of the scan...that it would be good and tumor free.

We will walk any road God has for us...we just hope it is going to be a little more downhill and sunny from here on out. Maybe a nice stroll through a flowery meadow...or a nice mosey beside a cool, bubbling brook. However if there are hills, mountains or rain in our future...we have a God who is bigger than them all.

Shared blessings

The Captain and I have been blessed a thousand times over this past year and a half-ish. We have had 2 beautiful babies. Have grown in our walk with Christ as well in our marriage. We have been showered and lavished with love and compassion. Blessings given to us by others, shared with us by them for Gods purpose and glory.
God has been caring, carrying, lifting me up and comforting me this past year. He has been with the Captain and I every step of the way. He has proven Himself over and over…I have seen His face, His hands, His feet and His heart more clearly than ever before…in the faces, arms, hands, feet and love of others.

There are things I will never forget about the day Caden died. One thing that sticks so soundly in my memory is leaving the back, quiet room of the hospital and walking out into the waiting room. There in the small emergency waiting room were about 20-30 of our friends and family…really they were all family. They hugged, cried and loved us. They grieved with us, for us. They showed Gods love and comfort right from the beginning…she had not been gone an hour and we were wrapped in Christ through them.
I distinctly remember seeing the face of a friend I have known almost all of my life. As Andy and I were walking out of the hospital she and her husband were walking up…we both reached out and I fell into her arms. I will never forget that moment and how much I love her for being there…how much it meant. Gods comfort in the arms of a friend.

It has struck me over and over again in the past year how much my heart rejoices when others remember my daughter. When I see a picture of her where I did not expect. When someone opens their bible next to me in church and I see a glimpse of her memorial handout. When someone shares that they have her sweet face on their fridge. I thank God that He gave us such wonderful blessings in the people that care…and love us enough to remember her.

Yesterday evening I was attending my weekly bible study. We sing hymns every week before we start. The second hymn was Be thou my Vision. My heart leaped and sank a little…that was what I would sing to Caden before bed every night. I love that song…and now I can’t sing it…not because I do not believe the words…but because I cry too hard to get them out…my lips move, my heart sings…but only sobs can be heard. I was sitting next to a girl I have known for a long time…we are friends, but not close. Right before the song I explained to her my attachment to this particular hymn.
Be thou my vision…tears, ugly face, hymnal bouncing because I cannot catch my breath…
Be thou my wisdom…a little more in control…mouthing the words, must keep eyes closed or breakdown will ensue.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise…still tears, God calm my heart…
High King of Heaven , my victory won, may I reach Heaven’s joys oh, bright Heaven’s Son. Heart of my own heart whatever befall, still be my vision, oh, ruler of all. I sang the words. The last verse…faint, but still audible…may I reach Heaven’s joys…
After the song, She put her arm around my shoulder. I looked over and she had tears in her eyes, this girl whom I have known of, but do not really know…my heart warmed. I reached out and took her hand. And there we sat. Holding hands. Now a memory of Gods goodness and comfort I will not soon forget.

What makes me even more happy is when someone says “our girl” or “our baby”. I LOVE when others think of her as theirs. How they have taken the hurt and loss so much to heart it is not just mine…it is theirs. I love the thought that she was everyone’s baby. I loved to share her when she was here. I love to share her even more now. And if we are going to be honest…she was never really mine to begin with. She was Gods. She IS Gods. To do with as He likes, in His way and His timing…for His glory.

My prayer for Andy and I is that we share Rigg so completely with others that he is theirs as well. For blessings are meant to be shared.

Big guy

Rigg had his 4 month check up today. And we have confirmed what we really knew all along...we have a

on our hands.

 

Stats are as follows:  Weight 17.8 lbs. 95th percentile.

                                Height 28in. off the charts!!

                                Head size...50th percentile.

 

All looks good with our big guy. And just to prove how good he looks...

Oh, I just love those dimples!

First Holloween

OK, so it isn't the best pic in the world...but it is the only one I got with just him and a full view of the shirt...which, I think you will agree, is really the whole outfit!
Good grief!And because the outfit came early...but she was gone too soon...