To bring Him glory...

upon Caden's birthday

2012-01-24T06:00:00.000-05:00

Every year, when today, January 24th, arrives, I post Caden's video.

and each year, it makes me a little more sad, a little more upset... maybe, upon sinful occasion... a little angry.

Not because of the video itself... but because it is, and always will be the same...

the same video... with the same pictures... feeding off the same memories... summing up the same number of days.

I get upset at the finality of what already is. I get upset by the never being able to add, or make new.

but it never really lasts long, the ache of things unaccomplished.

because I quietly remember Who can add... and I rest Joyfully in the One who promises to make new.

Today,Caden Joelle, my first born, a precious baby girl, would have been 4.

And today, on her birthday, I choose not to be sad and weep because she is gone. Today, I choose to celebrate the anniversary of the day I first became a Mommy. The day I grasped the truth... that I knew nothing of love...but her little life would begin to teach me.

Her life... and her death still teach me.

and although she is absent... she is not gone.

and although I cannot add or make new, God can

and that which He has promised to do... will be accomplished.

Happy Birthday, Caden.

My precious baby girl.

thoughts on Heaven, loss and grief...

2012-01-23T11:23:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow my precious baby girl would have been 4.

I cannot wrap my mind around that... 4.

I am not one to sit and day dream about the what-if's and the could-have-been's...

I find it makes me overwhelmingly sad... and in the end, it serves no good purpose.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

She is right where God wants her.

And if I truly believe that... then conversely, I am right where God wants me.

Whether or not it is comfortable, or desirable...

I am right where he wants me.

and most days, I am completely satisfied with that.

It is on the days I question... or I miss her so much I ache, that I become discontent and long for my will, not His. Which, in turn leads down a path of sin-related thoughts and actions,

resulting in... to understate it... a bad day.

It is always amazing to me to look back and be able to see how God has grown me. I know that each day I am following Him, choosing His will and His desires over my own, that He is working and developing me into something better then I could do on my own. But even knowing this... it is awesome to see.

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that my Mamaw passed away. It has been heartbreaking to be a spectator of my Papaw's grief. A few minutes after Mamaw passed, He was sitting in a room all by himself. As I came in, he was just staring off into nothingness... with a look on his face I will never forget... it is the look of a broken heart. I bent down in front of him and told him I wish I could make it better... and that I loved him. He placed his big, warm hand on my face and smiled, as much as he could, and said "you know how it feels..."

and I do

a broken heart hurts

goodbyes are painful

As I was driving home from the hospital, thinking of my lonely, broken Papaw... and that look on his face,

I wondered....

If it hurts this much to lose someone(one someone) we love so dearly....

How much did God's heart break for all of us?

Did he feel this pain magnified by millions?

unimaginable...

and then I became overwhelmingly thankful... that this goodbye was not really goodbye.

and to be quite truthful, this was the very first time I felt that way... really felt like it was temporary... not just spouting the right words to myself... but really knew that this "goodbye" was truly "see you soon."

it was then I realized that God has forever made known to me the truth of the Hope of Heaven...

I was speaking with my Papaw earlier that morning. He was telling me of an interview done with a Vietnam soldier. The reporter asked the soldier if he could have anything what would he ask for, and the soldier replied... tomorrow.

As I though about, I turned to Papaw and I said, you know, that is probably true for most people... if the people they love are here. However, I think the more people we know who are in Heaven... tomorrow may not be our greatest desire... it is probably Heaven.

Luke 12:34

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

As I miss my baby girl, and now as my Papaw longs for his wife of 61 years... I know we are both anxiously awaiting the coming of Christ, now, more then ever before.

Lord, come quickly...

Super Birthday Bash!

2012-01-17T14:13:00.000-05:00

I decided to go with super hero...

because he is big and strong...

and capes are fun...

but mostly the big and strong bit...

I made the invites... and then ended up emailing them because I am so disorganized/ behind/ life got crazy...

still... super cute!

As was the birthday boy... Super Ryder was Super Cute...

Not only were the invites and the birthday boy super cute...

but the cake wasn't half bad either...

My friend Cristi makes cakes...and she makes some darn good ones...

She let me help make a mess in her kitchen for this one. She taught me how to make fondant and how to color it...and how to build awesome arm muscles while kneading it...

I might have decorated it with her...but she did all the baking... and it was SUPER tasty!!

And with all this sugar laying about, it was SUPER hard for some of us to keep our fingers to ourselves... and out of the icing... and M&M's... and brownies... and cookies...

poor kid.

as well as an abundance of sugar and calories, we had....

SUPER cute Super hero capes...

The boys were a little unsure what to do at first,

but Ryder took up the Super hero gig happily...

Rigg graciously let his cape be passed around and shared with all the other guests... Maybe it is a role that some are born for (Ryder) and some grow into (Rigg)

Even though Ryder started out happy and delighted with the chaos that is a 1 year olds birthday party...

he quickly became clingy and wanted to be held...

and maybe, taking his hero gig a bit too seriously, he might have thought the cupcake was kryptonite...

After some very over the top faces... we removed the dangerous kryptonite cupcake.

(which he did pause to nibble from in the midst of his small fit)

at the end of the night, he was back to his pleasant and happy self...

and maybe back to fighting crime...

you never know whith those Super Heros...

Super Ryder turns 1

2012-01-14T06:00:00.000-05:00

Today my ~~little~~ baby boy turns 1.

One!

I know! I can't believe it either. But, shockingly, it is the truth.

Has this year zoomed passed faster than the speed of light for anyone else?

At one year, Ryder is all boy. He walks, jabbers, giggles and snuggles to his mother's delight.

And when he screams, throws fits, whines incessantly, and won't nap... he is still a blessing.

Which is the mantra I repeat over and over to myself at such times.

He is a blessing

And he is. Such a huge, huge, super blessing. My life is forever changed and brightened because of him and his sweet, mischievous little self.

As I was choosing pictures from the past year for this post, I couldn't decide where to leave off... which ones to leave out...

I mean, he is so cute... so smiley... surely everyone will want to see all of these...

Right?

AHEM... right?

Well, my blog...my choice.

So in honor of Super Ryder's 1st Birthday, I give you, a super long photo montage of his1st year of life.

I hope you have enjoyed him this past year, even just a smidgen as much as me.

and tonight... we celebrate!

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!!!

Ryder's actual birth day
Video from Ryder's birth day

Lola

2012-01-06T13:39:00.003-05:00

Today I turn 30.

I love my birthday. I look forward to it every year, and this yearwas no different. The Captain was giving me the day off. No kids... sweet. I planned my morning and early afternoon to include shopping, friends and good food.

And then, right before I left the house I see my phone...

1 missed call from my mom, and 2 from my dad.

My Mamaw, my mom's mom, was taken to the hospital... and it didn't look good.

So instead of my original plans I went to the hospital to be with her... with my family.

My Mamaw, Lola, went to be with Jesus just before noon. I was able to sit next to her, squeeze her hand and tell her how much I love her. I also asked her to snuggle my sweet Caden and brush Caden's hair for me...

My Mamaw was an awesome woman. She was a wizz in the kitchen, loved the color red... for everything... loved Jesus, wore 4 inch heels and couldn't get enough of "the babies" as she called her great-grand kids. She cared so much for other people and took care of everyone she could lay her hands on.

I have cried all morning. But I know I will see her again. It is not goodbye... it is just see you soon.

I hope it is really soon.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.

the stone

2012-01-02T13:52:00.000-05:00

Tragedy always begs "why?" from someone or somewhere.

Hard always leaves a trail of confusion, however small, in its wake.

And most of the time an answer, one that would satisfy, pacify or comfort, seems elusive.

I remember talking with a friend after her precious son went to be with Jesus. She was broken. I prayed the whole way over to her house that God would give me words to comfort, that He would bring truth to the forefront of my mind to share. I prayed that He would keep me from saying anything stupid. I think about that day, that conversation a lot. God answered my prayer, for her... for me, that day. And I thought of Caden's death... of loss, tragedy, hurt and hard, in a new light.

All because she asked a very hard...a very unanswerable question.

Why do some people get the miracle... and why wasn't it me?

And I don't know.

But I answered with this.

God knows. He is always working... and He is always doing good. His desire is for all to know Him, and for our lives to bring Him glory.

And, maybe it depends on how you see, or what you see as a miracle.

And then I tried to portray a word picture of my thoughts to her.

Picture life, all of life, as a great pond.

And each person is a drop of water.

I think sometimes God drops stones into the pond in the spot, the exact spot, where he knows the ripples will make the most impact.

Perhaps you are the spot where the stone hit... and your life, your actions, your ministry, has been turned into ripples for others to see... for others to feel... for God to use...

Sometimes the stone is a "miracle" of life instead of death, of health instead of sickness... of prosperity instead of poverty...

And sometimes the stone God tosses is one of hurt, and trial and hard...

But each has its purpose.

and I bet there are some awesome miracle ripples that started from a stone of tradgedy.

I do know that suffering, for a believer, is never wasted. God uses the hurt, the heavy and the hard to refine, purify and build endurance.

And the brilliant shine in the aftermath is a finger print of God for all to see.

James 1:2-4

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

2 Timothy 1:12

For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.

~ Christmas 2011 ~

2011-12-29T10:06:00.001-05:00

Missed me?

I have missed you too.

Why is this time of year (stage of my life) so crazy?

How was your Christmas?

Mine? Delightful. Although, at the risk of sounding like a complete heathen, Christmas on a Sunday... with Church... messes up everything. Happy and Joyful as I was to worship and celebrate Christs birth with other believers on the actual Holiday...It was short lived... because Christmas day was CRAZY!!!!!

Good... wonderful, in it's own kooky way, but CR-A-ZY.

I am thankful that peace and joy come from Christ and not my surroundings or what I can conjure up myself... because on the bright shiny morning that was the dawn of of our saviors birth, I was conjuring up stress, hurried-ness, a bit of worry, and more sweaty-ness then I care to mention....

I wish I could tell you that I took so many pictures that I had a hard time choosing with ones to post.

I did have a hard time choosing which ones to post...but that is because I did not take a lot. In fact, on Christmas day I took 9.

On Ryder's 1st Christmas, mama had a great big mommy fail.

I tried to make up for it the very next day (when we opened presents with my parents) but still...

Ryder got a great big zebra... which he loves, and I in turn love watching him with it...SO CUTE!

Both boys were "sick" over Christmas. Quotation marks used because they were sick, but had enough antibiotics in them to safely be around people....however they were whinny, tired and had noses that ran faster then a Jamaican in the Boston marathon....

See how thrilled Rigg is?

Merry Christmas...

Although tired and not feeling great, Ryder took full advantage of the occasion to show off his new walking skills and smuggle every cookie he could locate away from its original owner. Every time I saw him he had a cookie in his hand and another in his mouth... or on his face.

Where was his mother?

Shameful!

The boys are learning to share...in mess making and eating together...

Rigg enjoyed a new rocket ship plate.

Ryder likes to walk with, play with, carry around and chew on my dads old blackberry...

and chew on boxes...

Like every two and a half year old, Rigg helped everyone open their presents. He opened each one and joyously exclaimed "A box!" like it was the best present ever!

A tricycle to share. Rigg is learning how to use the peddles, and Ryder is learning that Rigg thinks he should take him on rides.

It was SO fun this year watching the kids. I feel so blessed to care for these 2 boys.

In the days leading up to Christmas I missed Caden so much. I had a day full of tears for missing my sweet girl. And although she is always missed, and some days my heart swells painfully with the hurt of it, my life is filled with so much more joy, so much more laughter, so much more peace then pain.

Christ has, and continues to heal my brokenness.

And He has given so much.

Himself, first as a baby... then as a sacrifice.

For me.

For you.

So this Christmas, with my hurt over missing Caden, and my joy over my precious boys, I was SO thankful for Christ who holds me and all of my crazy emotions together... and brings Peace.

A Family Tradition...

2011-12-20T10:44:00.000-05:00

My dad looks like Santa.

So around this time of year he lets his beard grow, dresses up, gets rather jolly and allows children of all ages to sit on his lap stare at him in awe and declare boldly what they would like for Christmas.

He never takes money, he asks that whoever "hires" him donates to a charity or adopts some families for Christmas.

Santa's a giver...

naturally.

Because we have such a great Santa so readily available, we take the utmost advantage. We follow him to one of his Santa gigs and get a free picture.

There has to be some perks if Santa is your dad, right?

2007

Christmas with Caden...

2009

Rigg's first Santa visit... he seems thrilled... if you want to see more, click here.

2010

Last Christmas I captured the cutest shot of all time... if you want to see more, click here... and ignore the whale in the photos...

2011

This year I did get some nice shots... It was difficult, as Santa was talking to the boys the whole time. And Rigg kept putting his fingers in his mouth and all over his face. Ryder was trying to figure out what was going on...Pop, in a big red suit... Weird...

But my favorite is this one... talk about a "real" picture...

Merry Christmas!

DIY ~ family pictures

2011-12-17T13:57:00.000-05:00

Long, long ago, during a time known as Thanksgiving, my family tried to get a family picture...

just one was all we wanted...

and by "we" I mean my mom... and Sara... and me...

And we tried, we really did.

We got all gussied up,

we set up a tri-pod with the camera...

we FINALLY got the remote to work after messing

and fidgeting

and monkey-ing

and sweating

and then we let Ryan be in charge of hitting the button...

why? I don't know...

And this is what we got...

I call it... Disintegrating Family Photos...

Ryan, you coming, or what?

Oh dear, Ryder...

It will help if we switch places...and give Ryder a prop...

Oh, Charlie...

Rigg, look at the camera, buddy...

Cari...fail...

Ryan! A warning before the button is hit! Thank you!

Really, Captain? Really?

CHARLIE!!!

Creepy, Andy... EXTREMELY creepy...

RYAN!!! Quit hitting the button... we are done!

Ryan kinda looks like a priest in this one...

and after all that... we kinda got one.

kinda

I'll accept this one.

We did, however, get a decent shot with just our little family...

and a nice one of the Captain and me.

Afterwards, I needed ( a lot of ) chocolate and a nap.

maybe

2011-12-09T13:14:00.001-05:00

I had a small break down the other day.

Tears and everything.

And to be honest... I think it was a few days in the making.

Sometimes, my weak, sinful heart wins out and I allow fear, doubt, worry and SO MUCH PRIDE to fill my heart... and I crumple under the weight.

It's a job... or lack of one for the Captain.

I tell myself that compared to losing Caden... compared to a brain tumor...compared to REALLY BIG HARD THINGS... this one is reasonably small.

And still, I waver.

Still I let change and uncertainty derail my calm and steal my peace.

Sometimes, ok...most times, I just don't understand.

and I ask...

"God, why us... again."

Maybe...

Maybe I have yet to fully learn what He is trying to teach me.

I hold on too tight.

I need a looser grip, an open hand... a softer heart.

You would think, after weathering certain storms, others would be a cinch.

You would think.

I get caught up in the calm... I do not prepare well. I take for granted the peace and the provision...I overlook the blessings and see them instead as "normal, run-of-the-mill".

Maybe God is stretching me. Forcing me, by my earthly circumstances, to make decisions in my spiritual walk. "What do you really believe, Cari? Is is just words? Or is this your life? Show me."

Faith is more then words...it is actions. You cannot separate them. If you truly believe it... you will show it. And sometimes it's the hard things of life that give us the chance.

Maybe others need to see God work. Maybe God has brought me to a

place where just the right eyes fall upon my life, and if I persevere, if I stand strong... if I bow to His will no matter what, I can have the honor and privilege to point others to Him.

Yet, in my weakness, I want the easy, not the hard... I want the the abundance, not the scant... I want to be selfish, and not worry about others.

But that is not what God wants for me.

He wants the best for me.

And sometimes, the road to the best is hard, scant and always other's focused.

And at the end of the road when I am tired, hungry, and feeling empty,

Jesus is there.

He will pick me up and give me more then I could ever hope or dream.

More then I deserve.

Perspective...

today is temporary.

Jesus, Heaven and all the promises of scripture are forever.

So am I still worried? stressed?

I am (sometimes over and over again) laying it down at Jesus' feet.

I have surveyed the landscape before us.... and I have decided I want His will.

I want it more then my iphone.

And as the Captain so eloquently put it...

"I am ready...bring it."

Philippians 4:11-13

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Crafty... pass and fail

2011-12-05T13:49:00.001-05:00

I am a project person.

I love me a good project.

I love it even more when I finish a project.

Lately, I have been up to a few crafty things. Not anything really huge...but small changes make a girl just as happy as big ones...if done correctly.

# 1. A couple months ago I got some fun boots. Now, being the Pinteresting girl I am... I saw all kinds of fun socks and tights to wear with my new fun boots.

1 Problem... husband has no job = Cari buys no superfluous items.

Fun socks are a superfluous item.

Sad day.

Or is it.

Here is a pic of me and Sara (my sister) from when she was in town. We are feeding the littles... and I am wearing fun boots... and if you will notice, some fun boot socks. ( I have provided an arrow for precise sock tracking.) (you're welcome.)

(are you tired of the parenthesis?)(parenthesis's?)(parenthesi?)

nevermind...

back to my socks...

Not really a big deal. Just some cream colored boot socks.

THAT I "MADE" OUT OF A $2 THRIFT STORE SWEATER!

I know! You just about fell out of your chair at my genius, right?

Me too!

I just cut off the sleeves and pulled the cuffs up my legs.

No "foot" part. My feet would sweat right off my legs if I had socks that warm on...

Crafty #1 - boot socks. PASS.

# 2. Getting ready for Christmas.

I know... It looks the same as last year...

and the year before...

and the year before (of which I have no pictures...).

But it is pretty, dang it!

and I carved out some precious time to get that bad boy up there.

SO IT IS MAKIN' THE BLOG.

Crafty # 2 - Christmas mantle. Always a PASS.

# 3. Now that we are all in the Christmas spirit... I will show you my new wreath.

Yeah... I made it. Your impressed, right?

Good.

Cause it is pretty.

With the soft cream yarn and the fun felt flowers.

Lauren and I had a craft day... we did them together... and chatted and laughed and ate soup and grilled cheese. It was fun.

And I got to come home with this! Which I promptly hung on my door and proclaimed loudly to the boys, "Christmas is coming!"

All because of my new pretty, felt-y Christmas wreath.

thankyouverymuch.

Crafty # 3 - Christmas wreath. SUPER PASS.

# 4. I have a long story about my dinning room wall. And interestingly enough it also has to do with my fun boots. I would say "long story short" and just show you the wall... but what fun is the final product without a long, drawn-out background story?

So when I put this up in my living room. I used frames that were in my dinning room. Now that those frames had been repurposed... I was in need of some thing for the dinning room wall.

So I bought a LOOOONG, wide, shelf and I was going to place frames on the shelf, overlapping and looking all Pottery Barn.

And I spent the ENTIRE day trying to hang the shelf.

Because our house is 742 years old, we have plaster...not drywall. So the mounting brackets that come with the shelf don't really work. I had to drill BIG, BAD holes in my wall. 4 of them. HUGE! Took up the whole wall.

Then the shelf would not hang.

The "flush" bracket on the back of the shelf was not flush.

nope... it was very un-flush.

1 trip back to the store.

57 trips up and down the shelf isle.

0 shelf's in the right size.

1 stressed out, on the verge of tears Cari.

So what did I do?

Bought boots instead, and just hung pictures over the holes.
Good story, right?

Maybe, if your lucky, I will tell it again later...

So my wall.

Turned out nice. Still need to replace the top middle pictures (from our wedding) with one of Ryder...poor kid.

I made the middle print and the 2 long ones.

The middle one is my favorite.

It is The Captain's birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, Caden's birthday, Rigg's birthday and then Ryder's birthday.

LOVE.

Except...

about 3 hours after I finished, as I was basking in the glow of my finished product, I looked over and my heart sunk. (sank? sinked? (just kidding about that last one! :))

Dang it, if I didn't get Rigg's birthday wrong.

He was born in "09...not "10.

Sigh...

I still have yet to fix it... poor Rigg.

Crafty # 4 - Photo wall...PASS... and FAIL.

Ryder { 9 & 10 months }

2011-12-03T09:48:00.001-05:00

The Captain has just informed me that, although I am posting about Ryder's 9th and 10th month of life, he will in fact be 11 months old in 9 days time. Thus telling me, in not so many words... that I am incredibly, way-far behind.

My response? A long steady, piercing look at the Captain and the words "I do not see you picking up a camera to capture the wonder and majesty of Ryder's fleeting infancy."

A false wounded look and a slight chuckle were his only responses...

Far behind or no... I did take pictures of Ryder to chronicle his 9th and 10th month.... I have just been a bit lax in posting them on time.

Better late then never... right?

~ 9 months ~

At his 9 month check-up, Ryder weighed in at a whopping 24 lbs. Which puts him in the 85%. His height was 31 inches, proving to all the world that he is a big 'un and landing solidly in the 95%.

At 9 months Ryder could crawl well. Pull up on anything... even solid walls, and cruise around the furniture.

He follows Rigg everywhere. And reaches and grabs for anything in his big brother's grasp.

He started saying mama and dada with more consistency around each of us... and learned to clap.

As for personality... This kid is loud, demanding, smiley, unafraid, cuddly and absolutely on the move all the time. He is both delightful and infuriating depending on the day and circumstances.

~ 10 months ~

At 10 months Ryder is EVERYWHERE.

He is not only cruising, but reaching and walking from one piece of furniture to another.

He is SO smiley and giggly. He laughs all the time and LOVES to be tossed and thrown around.

He walks really well behind a toy walker or holding your hands. He needs help turning the walker around or getting it unstuck... how is it that such small people can get a toy crammed into such tight spaces?

His newest trick is walking with only holding on to one of your hands.... He is so close to doing it himself... He forgets that he cannot yet walk unaided. He will be standing next to the couch, see a toy or person across the room he wants, turn and take a huge step in its direction just to immediately crumple under the weight and wobbliness of his own legs... completely unfazed.

Just yesterday he took his first un-aided step. He promptly fell flat on his pudgy face, but it was definitely a step.

Ryder's favorite toys are balls of any kind. He loves to play catch or just throw them around and chase them himself.

He loves being entertained... but when he is done... he is done.

a party for Charlie

2011-11-28T20:56:00.001-05:00

Let me guess, you're thinking... "A party for Charlie... What about Thanksgiving?"

Right?

Well I had a wonderful Thanksgiving... gorged myself silly and enjoyed every minute.

I just took no pictures...

So, that's why I am not blogging about it...

However.

My sister and her family came into town from California.

She brought Charlie... my favorite niece, for the next few months anyway..until Sara (my sister) has her second child, another girl... then I will have 2 favorite nieces...

And it was Charlies birthday.

Her1st one.

And I got to plan it.

Right down to her outfit.

I had fun.

Too much.

It was splendid.

and to make up for my lack of photos regarding Thanksgiving...

I took about 900 of Charlies 1st birthday party.( I am a fabulous Aunt!... and humble...)

So feast your eyes inter-webby friends, and revel in the awesomeness that is

Charlie and her1st birthday party!

I decided to do a Candy Land theme. Cute, girly, bright.. CANDY!!! Need I say more? I love the picture on the bottom right... such a girly table and 3 boys chowing down on cake...

How cute is she?!?!?!?

Charlie likes being the center of attention...she gets that from a certain fabulous aunt...

It was a great night of family and friends, cake, pink, presents and small people (kiddos). I am so happy Sara, Ryan and Charlie were able to come into town... and let me plan a girly birthday party.

It. was. Awesome.

yet, it made me realize... Ryder turns 1 in 7 weeks... and I have not put 1 thought into his birthday...EEEK!

I have some planning to do!

He's gettin' there...

2011-11-23T08:35:00.001-05:00

Last evening we were over at my parents house. It was the first time the walker hasn't run off with out Ryder... so he was actually walking behind it, not half-running and then falling on his face behind it. I think it helped that they have carpet... we have hardwood. He looks like such a big boy! And he was super proud of himself... big smiles and squeals, although that came after I turned the camera off...sorry.

and, yeah, it's LATE Novemebr and that Captain is in shorts...

the everyday crazy

2011-11-19T15:24:00.001-05:00

Hi.

Remember me? I used to blog here regularly.

Or, at least, semi-regularly.

I now post ~~new and exciting~~ run of the mill, ordinary things all nilly-willy in hopes that maybe someone besides my mom will read.

There is no big, important reason for my big lapse of inter-webby silence... just life, you know?

It got a bit crazy.

and busy,

and maybe a tish bit overwhelming...

but really... that's just life.

And when life gets crazy, busy and slightly overwhelming, sometimes you drop a ball or two (or 9).

What's been going on, you ask?

Well... since you asked...

colds, teething, laundry, some fun side projects, my Grandma had heart surgery, laundry, dishes, feeding kids, changing kids, bathing kids, laundry, getting sucked into a couple of books I couldn't put down , and a big change in our family schedule.

Why the big change? Well 2 reasons. Reason A) is because the Captain is helping coach a local HS basketball team and practices are in the evenings... so no daddy at home. Reason B) is the Captain lost his job... So now he is home all day, thus disrupting my groove.

see...crazy, busy, tish bit overwhelming...life.

However, it has not kept me from being a mama to my precious, loud, energetic and messy boys.

Lately, we have been enjoying 2 new and entertaining ways to pass the time.

#1. The tunnel.

For his 1st birthday, Rigg received a tent and tunnel from my Aunt. One of the boys new favorite things is to get the tunnel out and crawl through it, play in it, throw toys down it, look through it, yell in it, and carry it about the house like a dog on a leash.

#2. Playing/Jumping together in the crib.

Both boys love to be in the crib together. Rigg loves the bounce factor and jumps and bounces until I am a bit sea-sick just watching. Ryder is just ecstatic that Rigg is in his crib. So He laughs and giggles at everything Rigg does. And since Rigg mostly jumps, Ryder mostly gets tossed and jumbled about, which he seems to find delightful. Because most of the activity going on in the crib is fast-jumpy-motion...all my pictures are blurry. And though it pains me to put blurry sub-par pictures on my blog, I will suck it up and do it anyway...because you really should see how much fun they have...it is cute, even if it is blurry.

oh... and Ryder got a haircut. And now eats graham crackers.

How to re-do a dresser {part 2}

2011-11-10T20:23:00.001-05:00

You might remember from this post, that we were in the process of re-doing an old dresser.

We found the dresser at a local Salvation Army... for a whopping $17!

And then I hatched a plan to make it into a lovely blue-teal wonder.

and I made theCaptain buy paint... too much paint.

(oops... now I am going to have 2 lovely blue-teal pieces of furniture...poor me..hehe)

and then we began.

How to re-do a dresser {part 1}

After Lunch, put kids down for nap.

Breathe deep, satisfying sigh of relief.

Go back outside, surround yourself with drawers and start to paint.

Make sure to carefully record paint color for later reference or touch-ups.

Gaze longingly at still-wet dresser through your kitchen window while waiting for it to dry.

Get side tracked with children and store still-tacky dresser in garage to dry completly.

and then get VERY busy with life... and leave it in garage for another month and a half.

Get upset with yourself for letting your really fabulous dresser sit in the garage all lonely and abandoned.

THEN

Scuff and destress the lovely blue-teal wonder of a dresser.

get that bad boy inside so you can stare at it intermittantly throughout the day.

Take some pics and post to blog on internet so all the world can see how long it took you to complete a project.

Congratsulations... if you followed the above steps, you have successfully re-done a dresser!

Stuff with clothes and enjoy!

for the hard things: giveaway winner!

2011-11-08T11:30:00.002-05:00

Well folks, we have a giveaway winner.

You might remember...for the hard things, a book I made to be a help in trials...a sort of handbook in hard times... I wanted to give one away.

And because I want you to share in the excitement of WHO won...

and because I am SO organized and technologically advanced...

I took pictures of the EVENT.

yes... I said EVENT (in all caps) so you would get all excited and hopefully get a tingly feeling run up and down your spine...

Did it work?

no?

No worries, we shall proceed anyway.

First I laboriously and painstakingly counted and labled each comment by number...

with a purple crayon.

Then, I ~~carefully and evenly folded~~ wadded up each cut out number...

Next, it threw them in one of the boys hats,

and had Rigg choose...

He had no idea what was going on, but he was super excited to participate...

and he chose....

can you stand it?

Congratsulations Boyka! Email me (carichastain@yahoo.com) with your info so I can mail you your book!

Didn't win? Super bummed? Want one anyway?

Click here to buy one.

my grief story

2011-11-03T14:15:00.000-04:00

I have needed to do it for awhile.

It was just time consuming...and work... and time...

and I have no time.

ever

I have children...not time.

BUT

It is important.

So.

I worked on it.

and now it is done (enough)

I have felt for some time now that my blog needed to be easier to navigate.

Specifically for those directed here to read about Caden... and loss... and grief.

Because my life looks dramatically different now then it did 2 or 3 years ago. And a sad, heart-sick mama who comes here to read about Caden gets smacked in the face with 2 adorable, smiley and very alive little boys... which could be a bit unhelpful to her.

SO.

I needed a one-stop place where all my God-praisin', question askin', soul-searchin', heart-wrenchin', laughin', cryin' and sometimes completely undirected posts could sit all cozy together and wait. Wait for a person in need of a story. One they can relate to... one they can cry with... one they can be sad with... and hopefully laugh along with...

A place for my grief story.

Just that.

No tumor.

No pregnancy tales.

No Rigg stories... no Ryder stories.

Just posts about Caden and God bringing us through the fire.

So here it is... it is over on my sidebar.

If you want to just read about Caden...this is the place.

If you ever direct anyone to my blog because they have experienced a loss... make sure you tell them about the link on the side. Right under Our Story.

My Grief Story.

*********************************

Less then a day left for the giveaway!

ENTER!!!

a couple of things...

2011-11-01T19:42:00.002-04:00

He WOULD NOT sit or stand next to thing 2...

He would not leave his "name sign"alone...

Getting them to keep their "hair" on was next to impossible

~~butt~~ ahem...but when they did

Thing 1 and

Thing 2

were SUPER cute.

****************************************************

Don't forget about the

for the hard things giveaway!

for the hard things {giveaway}

2011-10-30T14:58:00.002-04:00

It was a long, strange, sad and beautiful week.

My heart hurts... but I am reminded of HOPE.

I was able to spend time with my friend Lauren, who said goodbye to her sweet baby boy last week.

I remember what it felt like those first few days after Caden died.

The quiet.

The tears.

The ache.

The overwhelming saddness.

How the world kept turning, clocks kept ticking by seconds, minutes, hours... like nothing had changed. How could that be when my whole world, my whole life, Lauren's whole life, had stopped...crashed and broken into a million pieces... how?

I remember.

And I think, this past week, when I was able to talk to Lauren... to my friend Ashley (who said goodbye to her son Jonah last week), God answered a prayer.

After Caden died I asked God to show me small glimpses of why. Why her, why me, why this...

God has so overwhelmingly comforted, encouraged and strengthened me. He has given, and given and given. He has shown mercy and grace and love beyond measure. I have been humbled and brought low... and I have seen God in a way I never knew before.

He has, in a way, prepared me.

To proclaim his goodness to those who hurt.

To comfort those in pain.

To encourage those bent low under the weight of life.

To stand as an example of God's abundant faithfulness and love.

What an awesome gift... to share about God with others in the hard things.

One of the hardest things for me when going through difficult times is remembering truth when my emotions take off. When I am sad...it is hard to remember God is good. When I am hurt, it is hard to remember God and His comfort. When I am so tired and drained, it is hard to remember God is, and provides strength.

So what remindes me of truth? ... truth itself.

Scripture.

God's word.

The Bible.

I was thinking of this earlier this week and how it is hard to remember...and that you almost need a hand book for hard things. Something you can use for yourself, or give away to those in need.

*lightbulb*

why not make one...

so I did.

and I want to share, because we all go through hard things... and we need reminders of what is true.

and, because I strive to make my life as cute as possible...

I added color and birds and a massive cute factor.

It is a small, soft cover Blurb book.

and you can purchase one here.

for the hard things

by Cari Chastain

I also want to give one away.

You can keep it... or pass it on to a friend.

To enter, just leave a comment on this post and tell me your favorite go-to scripture for hard times or what you would use the book for.

The giveaway will be open until noon on Friday (November 4th)

I cannot wait to keep these on hand to give to people who need encouragement and comfort from God's word. It is my hope that this little book can be used for God's Glory in all the hard things of life.

a while away

2011-10-24T13:15:00.003-04:00

I feel like I have said these words so often lately.

Pray for my friends.

They are hurting... deep, gut-wrenching, can't stop crying kind of hurt.

Lauren and Scott said goodbye to baby Michael late last night.

He is with Jesus.

and my Caden.

I have cried all day long today. Can't stop.

I told a friend earlier today,that although I have been where Lauren is, I still have no words. Only hugs, prayers and Jesus gets you through.

But mostly Jesus.

I hurt for Lauren and Scott. I remember the hurt... the ache of loss. The Caden shaped void in my life.

Now they have a Michael shaped void.

The only thing that fills a void like that is HOPE.

I will see Caden again..I just have to wait awhile.

Michael is just a while away now too.

Maybe they are together... giggling at their silly mama's who have no idea the wonderfulness that is their life.

Because they are alive...

SO alive.

just little a while away.

16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.

17 Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.

18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.

{1 Thess 4:16-17}

Please pray for Lauren and Scott... they are in desperate need of your prayers. Leave a comment here or better yet... hop on over to Lauren's blog... see pictures of her precious son, Michael...and and leave a comment there.

out of the mouth of mommy

2011-10-20T12:40:00.000-04:00

do not stand on mickey, you will break him.

DO NOT FLUSH THAT!

no climbing on the tv.

put the pizza roll down first, then climb up the chair.

we do not use chalk on the funiture, the wall, or our brother.

yes, i know we share, but just not popcorn with the baby.

i know we put diapers in the trash can, but only dirty ones, ok? clean ones stay in the bins, ok?

it is not ok to sit on his face.

please do not drive over your brother.

rigg, let ryder drive the train now.

i know, mommy is funny.

i love you too, precious boy!

bath time!

2011-10-17T10:27:00.000-04:00

Just recently (as in the past month or so) we have been able to bathe the kiddos at the same time...

in the same tub...

saving time and energy...

and what's left of Mama's ever-so-elusive sanity.

Bath time has always been enjoyable.

Now it it double the pleasure, double the fun...

Rigg LOVES the water. He could stay in the bath for hours getting his fingers and pigs (or toes as most would call them) all wrinkly and prune-y. He makes his boats go on tours and sinks them. He puts the letters and numbers on the walls and sings his ABC's and counts (most of the time in the right order... or at least some of the time). He names his body parts when we soap him down. Rigg is a tame bather.

Ryder lives his whole life wildly... including bath time. He splashes always, crawls all over, and chews on everything in reach. He takes up 87.4% of the tub leaving Rigg a small space in which to play. Rigg never complains... So Ryder continues to expand his territory until a strong parental figure moves him back to "his side" giving his brother room to breathe.

and by the end of bath time not only are the children wet from head to toe... but Mama and Daddy are too... and the floor... possibly the dog.

But Clean! Everyone is clean and smells of that warm, cozy baby smell...

For at least 5 minutes.

They are boys, remember!

an update and a reminder

2011-10-10T10:45:00.002-04:00

UPDATE:

Remember when I told you about my close friend Lauren?

and her super precious son Michael?

Her super precious, teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, born at 24 weeks son?

He is a strong one.

He is a fighter.

He is loved, loved, loved.

I was going to write an update...

but I think it would be better, and nicer, and oh-so lovely if you clicked on over to Lauren's blog and read her words about her son.

AND

left her a sweet message about Michael, about your praying for him, about how mighty Our God is, about how cute Michael looks in his pumpkin hat...

about anything... comments (and prayers) are coveted from those in trials...

So let's encourage and edify Lauren and Scott...

Go on..

Click here...

encourage...

GO!

**************************************

REMINDER:

While we are in "encourage" mode, please do not forget about K and S and their heartache over the loss of their sweet, sweet boy, Judah.

They need prayer... and love and comfort...

and comments to show them that they are not forgotten...that Judah is not forgotten... that God is BIG, and Mighty and doing an awesome work through them and their sweet boy's short life...

So click here and encourage them today with a comment...

Go on...

Click here...

GO!

enamored

2011-10-06T09:37:00.000-04:00

Enamored describes it perfectly.

Fascinated is also a good word.

Smitten.

Awe.

All over a garbage truck...

Ryder ~ 8 months ~

2011-10-03T12:02:00.000-04:00

Ryder is 8 months old!

well, actually... Ryder turned 8 months old about 3 weeks ago...

but still..

8 months old!!!

and he is messy (as usual)

Ryder is rarely like this:

he is usually like this:

and LOUD!

and

now he does this:

sometimes, when he pauses and looks at me all quiet and sweet, he is so beautiful and he reminds me so much of Caden...

but then he breaks out in a wicked grin and squeals loud and strong... just to remind me of his boy-ness..

as if I would ever forget how "boy" this precious boy is!

og-a-gon

2011-09-30T10:00:00.002-04:00

Rigg is funny. He is silly and hyper and all over the place.

And he is surprizing.

really... just the other day he jumped up, threw his hands up in the air and yelled "a-pies!" (surprize!)

and I wondered... where did he learn that?!?!?

He does that to me a lot... just throws some new fangled word or idea out there and puts me all in a tizzy thinking he is a genius.

( genius, you say? a bit over the top?... maybe...)

He did it again yesterday.

We were in Ryder's room when he starts pointing at the stop sign and saying "og-a-gon" over and over.

I said "Buddy, that's a stop sign."

Rigg: "NO! og-a-gon!"

pause (brain clicks on)

stunned silence,

he just said octagon!!!!

he knows a stop sign is an octagon!

RIGG IS A GENIUS!

GENIUS!

me: "good job, Rigg! You're right, that is an octagon. You're so smart."

Rigg, smiling from ear to ear "og-a-gon!"

me, pointing to the yield sign: "good job! Can you tell me what shape that one is?"

Rigg: "Circle!"

me: sigh, hang head in disbelief... maybe "genius" was a tad hasty...

but he is super cute...

forward motion

2011-09-27T16:40:00.001-04:00

He is slowly figuring it out.

He gets SO frusterated... and it seems I could pick more tempting motivators...

as well as not film him sideways...sigh...

I am(overly)well aware that Ryder has up and passed his 8 month mark by almost a whole month and I have yet to post pictures...or stat assumptions.

WELL AWARE.

thank you.

Baby Michael

2011-09-24T15:42:00.001-04:00

Remember when I talked about having friends that I have known forever?

Well one of those BFF's, the one I begged to start a blog... Lauren, she did.

and she was expecting a bouncy baby boy in January.

I say was because he.. baby Michael...he arrived yesterday. Michael is 1 lb. 5 oz and 12 inches long. The Little guy is strong and seems to be a mighty fighter.

His mama and daddy are rejoicing over their new son... and praying hard for his little life. 24 weeks is pretty small.

But we all know when life seems small it opens up doors for God to do big things.

So we pray.

For strenth and health. For life and breath. For small, steady, little steps toward growth and home. We pray for rest and peace and comfort for Lauren and hubby.

and the great thing is...you can pray to, and be apart of Michael's life... from his early begining...

Lauren has been a friend who has been there for me... I want to be there for her... and bringing a few extra prayer warriors along with me never hurts!

Please join me in praying for Lauren, her hubby and their new, very small, very precious son, Michael. They need it!

please do not forget K and S and their baby boy Judah...

Caden's 3rd Heaven Day

2011-09-22T06:00:00.000-04:00

3 years.
Can it be three years already? My heart says no...but my calendar says yes.
3 years.

3 years ago today we held our Caden for the last time... we kissed her soft, pudgy cheek, stroked her silky hair and held her tiny beautiful hand one final time, and said goodbye.

3 years.
It seems like yesterday.
It seems like a lifetime ago.

God has taught us much during this time. He has held us close, brought us comfort and peace... shown us grace, mercy and compassion. He has proven His love and faithfulness over and over and over again.

But it still hurts. My heart still aches. My arms still feel empty with the loss of her.

Life is long without her.

And yet...even through the pain, even though we feel her gone with every breath, we choose to rejoice. We choose to praise God for all He has done because of her life...because of her death.
We choose to rejoice because we know where Caden is. We know her life has really just begun... and we know we will see her agin.

So on this, Caden's Heaven Day, rejoice with us. For Caden's life, her memory, but mostly for the Hope that she reminds us of.

The hope of Heaven.

...................................................................................................................

Below is a post I wrote a few months back for Life Rearranged.
I never posted it here... but I thought today was a great day to do so.

....................................................................................................................

She was, in one word, delightful. But I cannot just stop at one word. She was beautiful, and pleasant. Giggly, warm and soft. She was snuggly and squishy and… in my mind, perfect. She had this way of smiling that started in her eyes. Her eyes would sparkle and twinkle and you knew it was coming… that smile… she could win anyone over with that smile.

Caden was pure joy.

I miss her smile… her twinkly, sparkly eyes…so much.

Her brothers have her eyes.

It is wonderful.

It breaks my heart.

They are both younger then Caden… and forever older. She was our first. Our only girl. Sometimes I look around my life and see what might have been. The pink, the hair bows, the dresses…

It hurts to know some people will never know me as a mother to a daughter. They look and see blue, trucks and dirt and footballs, never to understand that the first time I became a mommy… it was to a soft, wonderful baby girl.

Her life forever changed me.

Her death forever changed me.

Although her death brought hurt, pain and struggles, it brought so much more. Caden’s death brought hope. The wisdom and knowledge in my God gained since then is irreplaceable. Even the pain has brought something that I do not think I could have obtained otherwise...perspective. A heavenly one. Hope for the future that wouldn't be quite as intense, faith as an every day companion like never before. The crows feet, brought on by the weight of this life may be more pronounced, but hopefully so is my reliance on the One who knows and understands the ache...

Although each day that dawns is one more day without her. It is also one more day closer to seeing her again.

The next time I see my Caden, we will never have to part.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18

For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.

Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.

Therefore comfort one another with these words.

Caden's 2nd Heaven Day
Caden's 3rd Heaven Day

Calling all prayer warriors...

2011-09-20T11:27:00.000-04:00

From deep in my heart I issue a request... a plea.

prayer for a young and hurting family.

I got word this morning a family lost their baby boy. Judah. 2 weeks young...now with Jesus.

Although Judah, now pain free, is rejoicing and praising... his mama and daddy are hurting... deep, gut wrenching hurt.

Let's come together and pray for them now. For strength, for comfort and the peace that only our Savior can bring. Pray for loving hands to be there when they need them. To hold, hug, clean, comfort, care, pray , cook... to love them in their time of much need.

I know how much it meant to me to discover how many people were thinking and praying for us... who didn't even know us. To know my baby... her life had impacted and affected people all over... to learn "her story" was being used by God to bring hope and joy... and bringing people back to Christ was more encouraging and comforting to be then I can express.

Let us give them K and S, who have just handed their precious son, Judah, over to Jesus, this gift. A gift of prayer... encouragement, comfort and hope....

PLEASE leave a comment for them here... where they can come and read them. Pass their story along so we can join together and lift them before the Throne of Grace and hopefully bring them comfort and peace.

We are needed now.

Hebrews 10:25 do not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

How to re-do a dresser {part 1}

2011-09-17T12:12:00.002-04:00

1. buy extremely cheap, very beat up dresser.

~~2. let dresser sit untouched in garage for 2 months.~~

2. prep dresser by sanding.

3. let toddler play with dirty stick.

4. after repeatedly telling toddler not to put dirty stick in mouth... and saving his life by hiding said stick with deadly stagnant water ick... continue sanding.

5. teach toddler to help the Captain with detail work.

6. let the baby supervise.

7. check the toddler and Captain's performance on said detail work.

8. check the supervisors mood.

9. reveal paint color.

10. stop all work for McDonalds run.

count your blessings

2011-09-13T16:23:00.000-04:00

remember about 97 years ago when I told you I was repainting my living room?

OK... about 2 months ago...

anyway, I repainted... almost the exact same color of cream... but now it is a cleaner cream.

Before I repainted I had a photo wall... I loved it.

then I had kids

and toys multiplied by the thousands in my itty-bitty living room

and my photo wall with all its lovely black frames started to feel like it was falling on me and crowding me out of my living room...

I had to simplify.

I started me some brain-storming.

and in a moment of sheer genius I seized upon an idea most brilliant.

and then I had to be patient whilst I gathered all the materials that it would require to finally construct the "idea most brilliant".

I need be patient no more.

My big blank wall is blank no longer.

Feast your eyes internet...

Upon my blessings

and my wall

of brilliance

{ and humility }

The overwhelmingly hard in the normally simple.

2011-09-12T09:25:00.000-04:00

It has been almost three years, and I still do not know how to properly respond to the question.

You would think, since I am asked it often, it would be easy by now. That I would not still grapple with what to say.

But I do.

And my struggle is not because "answering this question is silently ripping my soul apart", although that used to be true. God, in His abundant Grace and Love for me has comforted and cared for my deep grief in ways I would not have hoped or imagined. No, my confusion in responding is more "what is appropriate for this situation/person."

The question you ask?

"How many children do you have?"

Simple as the question is... the answer is not always as simple.

again... it is not super, gut-wrenchingly painful to be asked... it is just confusing trying to form the proper answer for the proper situation....

Let me give you a little example...

.............................................................................................

"How many children do you have?"

I am absolutely certain an immediate response is standard to this question...it is just , before I can answer I have a few questions/determinations of my own...

1. I know the next question is always " How old are they" so a true response of "three" will inevitably lead to a Caden discussion.

2. Do we have time to discuss Caden...because when you tell someone your child has died... they have questions... (this is a major consideration when in line at the grocery store...it changes completely when you are just chatting with a new acquaintance...)

* this is also where it is important I tell you, that when I talk about Caden's death, my mind directly links God and His provision for us and His Love and care for our family... and I always like to share about what "really" happened... not just that she died...but that her death has a purpose...

?do I have time...?

~ elapsed time .9 seconds ~

3. Do I really want to discuss this...depends...some days I am moody and selfish and the answer is no...sad, but true

4. Do I really want to see the sadness/pity in there face?

~ elapsed time 2.7 seconds ~

5. Will telling them about Caden completely derail the conversation... will we ever get back to what we were talking about?

(Like what if we were discussion fabulous new shoes...or the making of caramel brownies... or my new fascination with Pinterest? Will our carefree, happiness of a conversation end?)

5 1/2. How selfish am I for wanting to talk about pointless things instead of deep meaningful things? ~1 second lost to feelings of sinful guilt~

6. If I don't tell them... is is dishonoring to Caden not to talk about her?

7. If I don't tell them... am I totally missing an opportunity to witness and share about God and His over whelming Goodness and Love?

~ elapsed time 5.6 seconds ~

AHHH!!! what to say...what to say...

At about this point the polite person who asked the common, innocent question has major question marks in their eyes...

why is she taking so long to respond?

is she so sleep deprived she forgot?

was she even listening to the question?

So they shift their feet, and cock their head to the side as if to gently say... yes? I'm waiting...

and then I have to make a decision.

The overwhelmingly hard in the normally simple.

Cry baby

2011-09-08T10:08:00.001-04:00

So I was snapping pics of the boys yesterday.

I had an idea for a post...

and then

I saw this picture and

{decided the "idea post" could wait a day...or two (knowing me)}

It made me smile... it made me chuckle... it made me say "awww!" out loud.

it is cute and sad and slightly amusing all at once...

SO I thought it would be fun if you all added a caption.

So come up with a good one!

(could you just die from the tears? really...)

An AWESOME red door

2011-09-02T14:21:00.000-04:00

SO... there is this beautiful church just down the street from my house.

It has an AWESOME red door.

and a pretty little courtyard.

But mostly... an AWESOME red door.

An AWESOME red door that I was certain the boys would look great/stunning/amazing in front of

so we took a walk

in the 100 degree heat

with the boys in shirt-sleeves

so mama could take a picture

or 134

whatever.

and ya' know what?

I was right...

the boys did look great/stunning/amazing

and cute

and...sniff... grown-up...

in front of the AWESOME red door.

fortunate failure

2011-08-29T14:00:00.002-04:00

I bolt upright... a screaming baby, a sky that is still dark... too early.

shh, little one. quiet. go back to sleep. (silent prayer...please, please go back to sleep.)

silence... sweet slumber.

except not me. I cannot get settled again.

This is not how my morning was supposed to go.

Just as I drift back off, a little hand knocks from the inside of his door... "Daddy!, Mommy!" then cries from the baby's room... now they are both up...

I grumble. I complain.

I get up.

Coffee... this will help. This will improve all things. Coffee will save me.

a fussy baby... half a two year olds breakfast on the floor... my coffee gets cold and remains only half finished.

This is not how my peaceful coffee experience is supposed to be. Morning coffee time is supposed to be quiet. reflective. peaceful.

I scream in my head. THIS IS NOT PEACEFUL!

I take a deep breath and say out loud. "I love my children."

Maybe today can be salvaged. I will make this day a success by accomplishing things on my "to-do" list.

Dishes... done. (only had to stop twice to help/ discipline/ rescue a child)

Laundry... in progress. (Rigg's helping is really hindering, but it is cute and he is learning)

Dinner... prepared and one frozen for later. (only had to stop 3 times for a snack/ discipline/ rescue of a child or two.)

Well, my "to-do" list is shorter... but I feel crummy. I feel stressed... slightly angry... every time I tried to get something done I was interrupted...

I feel no joy in my accomplishments.

Chocolate. This will make me feel happy. CHOCOLATE!

Ahh. sweet chocolate. How I love you.

happiness.

for 3 seconds.

I am tired.

I will rest for 20 min.

Just nodded off.

The baby's up from his nap.

No rest.

I grumble. I complain.

I get up.

This is not restful, relaxing... peaceful.

This is not how my day is supposed to go.

this day is a failure...

I am a failure.

But I always fail when I try to do it myself. When I try to make my own peace, my own happiness out of broken and insufficient means. When I do it... I grumble, I complain. I get angry and upset. I have no peace, no strength, no joy. I miss out on all my blessings, I miss all the wonder and joy in my day. When I do it... I see only me.

Fortunately, for me, I usually get clued-in to my self-destructive control issue... a day or two later.

Fortunately, for me, I have a Savior who forgives, comforts, guides and loves me.

And wouldn't ya know it... as soon as I stop trying to do it all myself, as soon as I rest in Him and His promise... my days are smoother. More peaceful. Full of more laughter and more Joy.

Coffee will not bring me peace... but I know where I can go for peace.

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

(coffee does give me all sorts of good fuzzy feelings though!)

Accomplishments and chocolate might not give me joy and happiness... but I know where to go to find it.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

As for rest... tiredness is for a short time. There will always be time to sleep. More important then sleep is a restful spirit...

Matthew 11:28

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

I understand weary... I know burdened.

I am tired of re-shouldering the load.

Fortunately, for me, Christ has promised to take it. (again and again...)

But where sin increased, grace increased all the more (Romans 5:20)

Fortunately, for me, He never gets tired of rescuing me from myself.

I talk about important things...and then I don't

2011-08-23T15:51:00.001-04:00

Do you ever feel like your life is super busy, but when someone asks you what's going on your mind comes up blank?

This is where I am people.

Super busy...

but blank.

Keeping up?

The past 2 weeks have been a bit of a blur. The Captain was not well. We had issues with dosages of meds and changes of meds... and introductions and partings of meds... all in 2 weeks time... and it made for a big 'o mess.

BIG 'O MESS!

He was reminiscent of "after-brain-surgery-Captain" He couldn't keep up his end of a conversation. When you would talk to him he would stare at you like you were speaking Chinese... which is silly, seeing as how I do not speak Chinese. (Speaking of speaking Chinese, the last time I called and ordered Chinese take-out, my kids were ~~screaming bloody murder~~ very loud and the Chinese man had to ask me to repeat myself... usually it is the other way around... I digress)

Anyhoo, 2 Dr. appointments, 1 med. dropped, 1 med added, 1 med decreased dosage and a lot of prayer and waiting... and, Praise!, we have a better, coherent, understands-what's-going-on-around-him, Captain.

and 2 kiddos with colds. But really, in the grand scheme of things, colds are nothing! A Captain who is non-functioning tends to stress me out... big time.

Mama needs a vacay!

BUT... life seems to be getting back to normal.

Which means...the laundry keeps piling, and the dishes keep stacking up. The boys laugh and whine and make HUGE messes...

and when I get on the floor to retrieve a missing pacifier from under the couch I see this...

Clearly, Mr. Potato Head is missing his eyeballs... creepy.

I have recently joined pinterest. I came across this today and chuckeled to myself...then immediatly pinned it!

It's Ok.. I can be a big deal elsewhere as well...like to you... or whatever.

The boys are taking excellent naps...and my sister-in-law brought me a diet coke...So really, today is turing out to be a pretty good one.

Hope yours is too.

Ryder ~7 months~

2011-08-18T14:46:00.000-04:00

Ryder turned 7 months old on the 14th.

He is still stinkin' cute.

(I hate to be the one to point this out...but we have recently noticed a very faint uni-brow... sigh... However, I feel this does not subtract from the cute factor...it just adds interest)

And still packing on the chub. Getting bigger then Milton...his favorite monkey.

At 7 months Ryder is heavy... 22 or 23 lbs and solidly in 12 month clothes... all 9 month outfits are like spandex, which causes me to yank and pull clothes on when we run out of clean summer 12 month sizes (which happens because he is a sloppy mess...(see below))... and causes others to look at him and question if he is getting proper circulation to his extremities...

Ryder is a raspberry master. With the constant raspberries and the teething his face IS NEVER DRY. Neither are any of his shirts...and he tries to eat bibs, so really the boy is a 24 hour sloppy mess... but a cute sloppy mess.

Our baby boy is now a champion sitter. He can balance himself great and even catch and correct himself when he starts to fall. He reaches well out of his immediate grasping range for toys and can now properly (re)insert a paci into his own mouth.

It is easy to get Ryder to smile. All you have to do is get directly in his face. Anything you do once there will lead to giggles, smiles, raspberries (lookout!) and/or grasping of your face.

And although he is not yet mobile...

He is working hard on becoming so.

It is a gift

2011-08-15T15:49:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I want to plunge my fingers deep into my ears, shut my eyes so tight I give myself irreversible crows feet and sing "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA" as loud as I can muster.

Sometimes my world seems full to the brim of stress, worry, fear...pain, ache, loss.

Sometimes it is all I can manage to catch my breath. To hold back the tears. To get up and walk... to live each day in my own little world.

Sometimes on days when I finally open my eyes to the hurt and pain and struggle in others lives... it seems too much. I want to shut down. I want to numb out... I want relief.

Then, or if, I take the time to think... really think about why it affects me so much. I realize it is probably because I can empathize. I can feel their hurt because I too have been hurt. I too have lived that day... those days... that moment. And then the thought crystallizes... what if when everyone else heard of me, my story, my life, they plugged their ears, closed their eyes and and tuned out me?

I am blessed many times over beacuse they did not. You did not. Many ears listened, many eyes saw, many mouths prayed. And I am a thankful and changed woman for the work that Christ did through His people.

I have been given this life...with all of its ups and downs for one purpose. To glorify Christ. By how I walk each day, by what I say, by how I seek to serve and encourage others. God has shown me great examples of love, service and encouragement. In the death of my daughter and the illness of my husband I have been blessed to witness firsthand the grace and mercy of Christ.

It is now my turn to use what He has given to comfort and encourage others. For I have been given much.

So I will unplug my ears, open my eyes and silence my selfishness... because feeling others' pain so acutely is not a bad thing.

It is a gift.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

I miss her today

2011-08-11T14:48:00.000-04:00

I miss her today.

Well, really, I miss her everyday... but today the ache is stronger. The hurt more tangible. The hole in my heart more exposed.

I want so many things. I want my life to slow down enough so I have time to cry... slow down enough to allow moments to think and process my grief. I want to spend time remembering the color of her eyes, the curve of her cheek, the rolls on her thighs, the smell of her hair, the sound of her jabber. I want what I cannot have...

her here.

I miss her today.

I have a mountain of folded clothes on my table ready to be put away. None of them are pink... none are for a little girl with blond hair and smiley eyes. And it makes me mad.

and it breaks my heart.

Last night before bed I snuggled Ryder close. He was heavy and warm and smelled of baby and applesauce. I closed my eyes and remembered. She was snugly and warm too. And as I sat there holding him in my arms...holding her in my memory, so close, I didn't want to open my eyes... to put him to bed... to step back into the present...

where I live and she does not.

But I did open my eyes...and I stared at my precious baby boy and was reminded of joy and of hope... of goodness and the blessings that come with loving someone so much it hurts. I said a prayer of thanks...for Ryder, for Rigg... for my beautiful Caden.

I miss her today.

Well, really, I miss her everyday...

you could die from the cute

2011-08-04T08:40:00.000-04:00

seriously...

die.

Or maybe maim...

At the very least, this cute could seriously injure.

These pictures are cute-tastic! Cute-rific! Cute to the 100th power. (insert another nerdy spoof on "cute" here)

Are you still here? Or did I creep you out with all the cutsie talk?

Now I have built it up...maybe you won't think these pictures are as cute as I have proclaimed them to be. Not cute-tastic or cute-rific at all... what if you think they are just plain cute... and then you are let down... bumming in a BIG way?

Now I am nervous... I have a small inkling of fear and doubt about my monumental build up of the cute factor of 3 pictures...yup, just 3.

Are 3 pictures enough to pull you in? To win you over? To convince you to jump on the "oh-my-sweet-heaven-these are SO-cute" bandwagon?

I am unsure...

Well, does it really matter?

It is just my word, my oath, my credibility on the line. If I say "Cute-tastic" and you feel mislead... then will you believe anything I say from here on out?

I am torn... to post? not to post? to recant? I mean, the build up has been tremendous!

ahh... RECKLESSNESS! I shall fling all caution to the winds...

enjoy the cute...(er? mildly amusing?)

I'm sticking with cute...

for the love of popcorn

2011-07-29T17:35:00.000-04:00

So, the smell of popcorn makes me gag... walking into a movie theater makes me downright dry heave. I do not so much hate to eat popcorn... just to smell it. So, I usually never eat it... because you have to smell it to eat it. (also, of all the foods out there, popcorn can be hazardous, I mean, how often do you choke on the titty-bitty razor sharp bits of kernel? and let's not forget the fact that after you do eat the popped corn you are picking your teeth like a hill-jack for the next 2+ hours!) So because I do not eat it... it is usually not in our home.

Rigg loves popcorn.

He can eat his weight in popcorn...which is saying something, considering how much he weighs in contrast to how little popcorn weighs...I digress...

Because of the boy, we now have popcorn in the house.

I love my son a great deal. To pop the foul smelling corn that permeates the air with its gag-reflex-triggering aroma, I would have to.

Waiting for the bag to pop and cool is close to torture for the poor boy...

me too, although for a much different reason (see above)

Still waiting...("pees, ahh-con, pees" translated to "lady, how long does this process take?... I just wanted a snack.")

ahhh... the ~~culprit~~ golden kernels of goodness.

I think he might be asking me if I want some... or he might be confused and or terrified at my face of revulsion... hard to say.

But, with a face like this... how can I say no?

Ryder ~ 6 months ~

2011-07-27T08:09:00.000-04:00

Ryder is 6 months old... well, 6 months and 2 weeks, or something really late like that, seeing as everyday life has swallowed up my time in big heaping gulps.

Ryder is such a blessing. I cannot say that enough. He is such a sweet, smiley, snuggable baby. He is also energetic and engaging. He loves to be the center of attention and will demand your full and undivided attention if he thinks he is being, ummm, under appreciated. ( I do not know where he gets these qualities... :)

Ryder can sit (although it is still slightly precarious to leave him sitting unattended) and roll. He can grab your hair or arm, or arm hair... if you have enough... with Herculean strength and precision. I have very real bruises from his tiny, grabby hands and fingers.

A high pitched squeal. An incredibly loud , ear piercing noise that comes from the very core of his being... this is what he does when he is happy...or playing... or trying to get your attention... or bored.

His stats were in the previous post... but considering that might as well have been 3 years ago with as frequently as I am posting lately... I will re-stat. 29 inches and 21 lbs. 5 oz. He is, what one might call, a big boy.

And when he is done... he is done.

It is so amazing to see how different Ryder is from Rigg. I know each of my children has had their own personalities, but now I have the privilege of having 2 of my children under the same roof at the same time. I guess this magnifies the individual traits and characteristics. My boys are a treasure to me and an indescribable joy. I love seeing who God made them to be. I am blessed to be their mama.

Non-news

2011-07-21T19:07:00.000-04:00

We're still here.( for the 3 of you who check in daily!) Just nothing to report.

Well, nothing really exciting or newsworthy. It's all non-news I guess.

I had a yard sale. It was HOT. I got a bit burnt... but it has faded to a nice freckled pink.

It is hot here in the Midwest... it has sapped my energy... and my will to post more.

Richard got hitched and no longer lives here... sniff...sigh...

He moved in right before Caden passed and has been through a lot with us. He shall be missed.

The kids had Dr. check-ups today. 2 yrs and 6 mos.

Stats: Rigg: 37 inches and 31 lbs.

Ryder: 29 inches and 21 lbs 5 oz

Cari: practically perfect in every way ( I use the Mary Poppins tape measure!)

Oh! I almost forgot the biggest most exciting non-news of all....

We got the dog shaved! No more vacuuming every other day!!!

Ahh, JOY!

And that is the end of the non-news.

The 7 year itch

2011-07-11T13:03:00.000-04:00

7 years ago today I was enjoying the 1st full day as a married woman. July 10th 2004 I married the Captain and my status changed forever...

I now get to mark the box Mrs. when filling out official documents.

That's right boys, men who honk at me while I'm letting the dog out and the creepy man who whistled at me as he sped by in his hooptie...

I am taken.

Spoken for.

Hitched.

Linked forever in the Ol' ball and chain.

and my hubby is bigger than you... and loves me TONS... so watch it!

Ahem.... back to my original point... my anniversary. It was yesterday... the big 7...

We did normal family stuff and celebrated GG Kennedy's 80th birthday. It was a good day.

7 years ago I was young... thin and very carefree. I had just entangled myself forever to the man I love and was on my way to someplace warm and sunny and relaxing. With sand and salty waves and the smell of 75 SPF sunscreen... ( I burn like a forgotten dinner if not properly slathered in sun screen)

And yet as I sat rocking the babe yesterday... snuggling his peach fuzz hair and soft new skin, I thought...for this moment in time there is no where in the world I would rather be. Home. With my boys... the Captain, who was relaxed and in a good mood. Rigg who was so good all day and a ball of giggles..and Ryder who warms my heart with his snuggles. Being amidst the dirty dishes and the laundry, the the dog and the baby toys...it was a very good reminder of all the blessings that God has poured upon me these last few years.

And today? ... sure I am happy to be home. But after doing the dishes, 2 loads of laundry, sorting stuff for a yard sale in the 95 degree heat and changing 3 poopy diapers...

I'd rather be at the beach... with the Captain of course!

Here's how we met... and what I think of the Captain...just in case you were interested!

everything but the kitchen sink...or it just feels like it.

2011-07-08T14:41:00.000-04:00

A big thanks to all who read my last post, thought to themselves "that poor, poor lady and her stressful life and sinful soul... I should pray for her, her stressful life and her sinful soul.." and then just that. A bonus thanks if you left a comment... consider me encouraged and uplifted, because I was/am!

Because I have been lacking in the regularity and promptness of my posts, what follows may be a tish bit lengthy. Feel free to zone out and/or click off all together... I shan't be offended.

I know I missed his 5 month pics... but Ryder is indeed doing well and growing like a champ. He will be 6 months old next Thursday!!! Can y'all believe it?!?!!? Doesn't it seem like just a week or so ago he was brand spankin' and squishy new?

Ryder is doing all sorts of non-infant related things these days. He is blowing raspberries, rolling over (few and far between... but this is mostly my fault, I do not give the little guy sufficient tummy time.) reaching and grasping for things with much zeal and real purpose.

He is also starting to eat real people food... well, food you eat off a spoon and not just food you suck from a bottle. He is still not 100% sure about it. He takes bites, and then shudders after every. single. swallow. like I am feeding him sour patch kids. It's hilarious!

Ryder is also learning to sit on his own. His favorite thing in the world to do is stand while you hold his hands, and possibly bounce up and a down a few gazillion times... but sitting is important too...so we are practicing. He is getting pretty good.

Rigg is getting so big! More and more real English is distinguishable amidst the 2 year old gibberish he speaks. Lately his favorite things are bubbles, running/playing with the dogs, acting like he is driving your car (actually sitting behind the wheel and flipping/hitting/turning every knob and button within reach while turning the steering wheel and honking the horn) and laughing (very forcefully) just because you are.

The other day I found him sitting on the couch next to Ryder... just holding his hand and saying "Hi, baby!" over and over...

melt.my.heart.

He did get a huge kick out of climbing up on my dad's bike. And by climbing... I mean ignoring mommy saying "Rigg, do not touch Pop's bike." and scrambling up on the seat when no one was looking... I mean, really, how did he get up there by himself?

and just for giggles... shoes, camo socks and a bit of cheek...

Artists do have their own style... no?

Our July 4th celebrations consisted of getting together with our parents and setting off some low-key fireworks for the Riggster. (and some killer peach cobbler for myself)

I am sure this is me, being giddy and delirious after ingesting heaping portions of said cobbler...

Twas hot, friends.

H.O.T.

But Rigg did enjoy the display of smoke, sparks and pops. He danced to the rhythm of pops and bangs. It was super cute. He about wore himself out just running with the dogs in the back yard. If I had just a smidgen of his energy I would be a much smaller pant size, I am sure... and, consequently, feel much less guilty about the amount of peach cobbler I consumed.

tried to get a pic of me and the Captain... but this bug kept invading my personal space...getting all up in my grill ~ nope not even in type can I pull that off... sorry~

So we ended up with this... If you look close you can see the little bugger!

Feel free to print it out and display it on your mantel.

OK...if you made it to the end... bravo!

Happy Weekend!

Sunny and Bubbly

2011-07-03T15:14:00.000-04:00

It's not so bad.

OK. Truth.

It's not bad at all, really.

I am just not handling it well... or my sunny disposition and bubbly personality have failed to notice they are lagging dreadfully far behind. I suppose Sunny lost a shoe in the muck and Bubbly tripped in the mire... or something like that.

Life, now, is not hard like some would view hard. No tornado, no fire, no sick kids... no tumor... no death. And yet I find myself struggling. My friend and I have a half-funny half-serious line we respond with when asked how we are doing... "just keeping my head above water." and lately, so true.

The Captain doesn't feel good. All the time doesn't feel good. Not the "I think I am going to keel over and vomit any minute." but the " I just feel icky and all around not great." (with more specific symptoms relayed to those who need to know and could possibly fix the problems...) Most likely you never feel 100% or exactly the same after someone has rooted around in your brain and removed a chunk of what had been growing in there for over a year... but still you hope for some stability... some normalcy... some level of recovery that is not only tolerable but acceptable.

We are still searching for acceptable. Through meds, Dr. appointments, procedures... and waiting to see if we need to start all over again. The Captain is tired. Worn out.

I am angry.

Not at the Captain. At our lot... our life... how it has all panned out. How we always seem behind the 8 ball... never getting the leg up... pick your cliche. I am tired of being the wife of a man who feels icky... of having to deal. Of feeling like I am shouldering a burden too big for me... without an end in sight.

I guess the easiest way to describe what I am so-very poorly dealing with is discontentment.

I am discontent with what God has given me. Which, if we are honest, is just a slap in His face... thinking I know more about what I need or what is best for me then He does... pride.

All of it ugly, really.

I took me quite awhile to realize what I was angry about... for awhile I was just blundering about in a foul mood, not fully understanding why. I chalked it up to never accomplishing anything during my day, taking care of 2 very small children, always being needed in some capacity...but really, those things do not make me angry... they do not change the picture in my mind of what I want or what I thought my life would be...

A Captain who isn't at 100% does.

Big game changer.

I was not (am not) familiar with the play on the field. I feel a bit run over and disoriented... and mad about it.

Now that I have wrapped my mind around the what... I am working on the how.

How do I handle this. How do I behave better... how do I gather up my plans and hand them gracefully and humbly over to God.

How do I trust that this is what's best? This seemingly unending, tiresome, stressful path we are wearily trodding?

The same way I gave everything over before... with the Captain and his tumor... With our precious Caden.

Day by day...minute by minute... thought by thought...

Clearly this is a lesson I have yet to fully grasp. I am just thankful I have a patient, loving and omniscient God who gently nudges and redirects my steps towards Him... and has the power to replace anger, frustration and confusion with peace and comfort.

Maybe today Sunny and Bubbly will catch up...

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

the avoidance of all things internet

2011-06-29T08:17:00.000-04:00

I do not think I have ever gone so long without posting...

We have not been any busier than usual... I have just chosen to do other things with my rare free time, like laundry, dishes, play outside with the kids, shower, read books and nap... or just crash on the couch and watch a movie. I think I needed the extra me time lately, which included the avoidance of all things internet. The past couple of weeks have been rough and busy... and good too.. I have just felt very overwhelmed and stressed and emotional. You know... how almost all young moms feel at times, I am sure. I have wanted to sit and write a few meaningful posts... but I just have not had the time to really do it well. Maybe soon.

Anyhoo... we have spent some really great time with family the last few days. Aunt Sara and Charlie came for a visit. It is fun to have babies around the same age. Charlie and Ryder get a kick out of staring at each other... and it is super cute to watch. Charlie is getting so big and adorable... and so is Ryder if I do say so myself. I realize he turned 5 months and I did not post pictures... I have a very good reason for this....

I did not take any.

My life got away from me...

I am working on getting pictures back up in my living room after I painted it.. you know, 3 weeks ago...

I am wanting to put a picture of each of the kiddos up. I did not have a really great one of Ryder to use, so I spent some time yesterday morning trying to capture his essence... or just a decent smile. Ryder performed wonderfully... Rigg not so much, I just cannot get that boy to stand still!

So to make up for my lack of info, pictures and really any form of a post... I will leave you with some shots from yesterday.

I think Ryder looks so much like Caden. Really, they could have been twins. It makes me smile to see so much of her in him. It makes me sad a little too. I have been picking him up and sqeezing and smooching the wahoozits out of him when I think of Caden... which is a lot lately. Poor guy... a crazy lady for a mom... oh well, at least he doesn't seem to mind too much now... but maybe it will change when he is 16...

Happy Birthday Rigg!!!

2011-06-19T07:24:00.000-04:00

Rigg is 2 today!

Really? 2?!? I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I am the mommy of a 2 year old. A crazy, busy, fun, huggable, kissable, make-you-nuts and your heart melt 2 year old. Who happens to love Elmo and all things Sesame Street...

SO,

yesterday we threw a rockin' Elmo Birthday party for our little man.

And he LOVED it!

We originally scheduled to have the party outdoors @ a playground. This was before all the rain... and the humidity that makes my hair resemble a well groomed poodle... and the mud... and the gnats... you get the picture.

My parents were kind enough to let us relocate to their house on short notice.

So we decorated and Elmo-ed up the joint. Rigg was SUPER impressed. He walked into the house, looked at all the Elmo/Sesame Street decor and exclaimed "WOW!" about 6 or 7 times.

Score one for mom, thankyouverymuch.

I made up some small favors for the kids. Goldfish, crayons and a silly straw... Elmo does love his goldfish...his crayons too...

SUPER cute cupcake toppers... the toppers and the invite I bought from shindig parties on etsy. LOVED her!

A sign on the door to welcome all to the fun!

Singing Happy Birthday to our big boy! He was really impressed by the singing and yelled "yeah!" when we finished!

Happy Birthday Rigg! We love you more then you will ever know!

Curious about last year's party? Or his actual birthday, or just pics from the day(or day after) he was born?

check 'em out!

this post was brought to you by the letter R and the number 2

May the force be with you...

2011-06-15T08:12:00.001-04:00

By happenstance, while I was ~~stuffing my face with breakfast~~ eating my honey nut cheerios this morning, I glanced out the kitchen window...(or glance out the window I did.)

and saw R2D2 in my neighbors backyard...

just normal Wednesday morning stuff...

May the force be with you...

paint and giggles

2011-06-14T18:15:00.000-04:00

Today Ryder turned 5 months old....and to celebrate I shipped him and his big brother off to Grandma's house. (my mom took the baby and the Captain's mom took Rigg... hopefully spreading out the work load insures willing participants next time:) )

What did I do with my WHOLE day of not one child near me?

I painted my living room.

not too relaxing I realize... but I now have this wonderful feeling of accomplishment. That and a knot the size of Kansas at the base of my neck. I will post before and after pics when I am finished and have an after to show you... right now all is pretty bare and paint is still drying.

However, to celebrate his 5 months on Earth... watch this uber cute video of Ryder laughing at me last night... he is so much fun!

side note: Rigg turns 2 on Sunday!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!

(remember to turn off the music at the bottom of the page to hear the video)

bad Cari... bad girl.

2011-06-06T20:01:00.001-04:00

I have issues.

This past week has exasperated my issues...and exponentially increased my stress.

For some background info, you should note: the Captain has been outta commission for days with his back injury... (he is now starting to be able to do things again, like pick up the children and drive and stand without wincing...) both boys are sick... whinny, clingy, tired. They are a mess really... snotty, teary, pukey... stinky. A really bad cold plus 2 ear infections and teething and we have a nice combo for a wreck of a week.

All this fun has me in a state of mind I am not usually in... I have ended each day not only worn out, but almost angry and in a mood. At first I really struggled to nail down the reason why I was mad... in the end it hit me like a well aimed hammer...

I am selfish.

Sure being pulled in 10 directions at once is stressful...but the anger is present because I didn't get to do what I want when I wanted. Getting up with sick and crying kids, being vomited on in the wee hours of morning... lack of sleep, no down time, feeling like I have no help because my husband is hurt... all good excuses for me being a jerk....

but the reason is, I am just plain selfish.

I just didn't want to deal with it...any of it. I really, really want a day off (really I want 2 or 3 :) ) Not only the selfishness and the anger... but I complained about it to anyone who would sit still enough to listen...

not my finest hour...

What gets me the most some times is that you would think I would have a better or different perspective after losing Caden. That I should look at my family, my precious children, and be thankful... uber-super thankful, all the time.

I fall very short most days.

BUT

I have a Father who forgives totally, who wipes away tears and takes away burdens... who comforts, cares and listens... who really, really wants me to shine for HIM.

So I ask Him to forgive my selfishness (1 john 1:9) and I praise Him for my blessings...even if they do puke on me @ 4:30 in the morning... and I ask for strength and endurance to get through the next 20 min...

and He is patient enough to let me do it all over again...

and again...

you get the picture.

Psalm 86:5,15

You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

his first tooth

2011-06-02T15:35:00.001-04:00

I made a discovery today.

It seems that the copious amount of drool Ryder has been producing lately has been a mere side effect of a much larger circumstance.

My sweet, sweet boy has drooled, gnawed, slobbered and gummed his first tooth into existence.

At first, when I was astonishingly exclaiming my joy at his first big boy accomplishment, Ryder was a tish taken aback.

I have a what growing out of where?

However, seeing his concern, I quickly explained that this was a normal and very healthy step in his development... and that with teeth, he can someday eat yummy things like steak and cookies... or inappropriately defend himself from his older brother...

He seemed to be fine after that.

making memories on memorial day

2011-05-31T09:18:00.000-04:00

yesterday was many things.

it was hot.

it was busy.

it was family oriented...

it was brought to a conclusion in the ER...

the event I will now retell with commentary and badly lit and blurry photos from my phone...

The Captain hurt his back early in the morning and after spending much of the day on the floor snuggling with a heating pad and praying the medicine would kick-in... we decided he needed more help then I could give.

(I will spare the details...just picture the Captain not being able to move, get off the floor or really do anything for himself... and grimacing, in what one might call agony, every time he tried.)

So with the help of my dad and grandpa we loaded him in the car and I took him to the ER.

Where we waited...

and waited...

and played angry birds....

and waited...

played some more angry birds... (this is the point where I had the realization that when watching the Captain play angry birds I am a back seat bird launcher...)

and waited...

finally saw the doc. He poked and prodded on the Captain's back, checked his reflexes, made him move and walk about a bit (more agonizing grimaces) and decided what he needed was rest, ice, heat and stronger pain meds.

So after a shot of morphine, a brief period of time after the morphine started to kick in and the Captain got the giggles, and a couple of prescriptions and instructions... we were shown the exit.

The Captain has been in bed since and is still in some drug-induced discomfort... So prayers would be appreciated.

We were chatting on the way home last night about how we saw some people leave the ER in tears. We both wondered what had happened and it brought back memories of when Caden died. Just being in the ER made me squirm a bit. I do not know what brought those people to tears...but my heart went out to them... As they walked out alone, I just sent a prayer of thanks to God for all the family and friends we had at the hospital that evening... how we left without our daughter...but we were not alone. not only did we have Christ... we had a huge group of people there to pray and hug and cry with us... just minutes after saying goodbye to our precious baby girl... I am forever grateful to those who dropped everything to come and be with us and our family... it is a memory seared into by brain and a wonderful example of the love Christ shows us through our Christian Family...

Needless to say, this Memorial Day was definitely a day we will remember... hopefully next year we can skip the ER....

~ 4 months ~

2011-05-25T17:16:00.000-04:00

Ryder has achieved more in his 4 months of life then most...

By more, I mean more weight and more length. Chunky Monkey is off the charts again. It was to be expected, he is rapidly outgrowing every outfit I find, as well as giving several nice lady's in the church nursery hernias... just kidding, I hope...

At 4 months Fatty McGee reaches and grasps at toys or Mommy's hair. He happens to have the grip of what I can only assume a professional rock climber strives to attain, making the said grasping of mommy's hair a rather painful experience overall...

This is a boy who LOVES to talk. (a child after my own heart) Ryder will expound freely, if given the chance, about his oh-so-exciting day and all the in's and outs of his busy life. The only thing he seems to enjoy more then the sound of his own voice is what we call face time. Ryder loves him some face time. Just throw all personal space norms to the winds... that's right, he wants you right up in his grill. Of course huge smiles and wild gestures and animated talk must follow... yours, if you want a top-notch reaction.

Ryder is by far the happiest, smiliest baby we have had. Caden was content anywhere and everywhere with any one or any toy, Rigg was chill- all the time- . With Ryder, smiles and giggles are so easy to come by... just get in his face. This also means he can be the grumpiest baby we have had...if he is ready for entertainment and you are busy, say, cooking dinner or kissing his older brother's invisible boo-boos after he has tried to ride the dog like a horse, he will inevitably let you know...loudly and with much gusto.

Ryder (The Bruiser as I have affectionately nicknamed him) is weighing in at 18 pounds 10.5 ounces. This is the reason my neck feels like I have slept on it wrong every night for the past 2 months... He is solidly in 9 months clothes. Being 28 inches long helps to fill out those long footie sleepers. He has more rolls then a Sharpe puppy... and still has some awesome crazy hair.

Almost every night the Captain and I say how much fun Rigg is and how good Ryder is. It has been wonderful watching Andy fall in love with both of his boys. It has also been super fun to watch Rigg pay more and more attention to Ryder. I can see see glimpses every so often of my future of 2 rambunctious boys, and it puts the biggest smile on my face...it is usually followed by the thought of having almost every item of my home in broken pieces due to 2 rambunctious boys, but I smile none-the-less.

Oh... and "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"....

results

2011-05-24T09:36:00.000-04:00

The Captain's MRI results came back totally CLEAR!!!

another praise and blessing...
another year tumor free...
another answered prayer!

Thanks for praying

If

2011-05-23T08:12:00.000-04:00

If I was on top of things there would not be so many days between my posts.

If I were on top of things I would have told you that our precious Ryder turned 4 months old over a week ago.

If I were on top of things I would have taken his picture, posted about his weight and length and told you he is the reason for my neck and shoulder pain.

If I were on top of things I would have picked up the camera and taken pictures at least once this week.

If I were on top of things this post would have pictures... see confession above.

If I were on top of things I would have gotten more then 2 showers in the past 5days.

If I were on top of things I would not have 4, maybe 5... OK! 6!, 6 loads of clean laundry to fold and put away. And some to wash...

If I were on top of things I would have been aware of the wipe situation in my own home... I would have realized we were down to like, 3 wipes and bought some at the store the last time I went... that's not so bad, you say... well you try living with Rigg and the Blowout King and see if you don't sweat a little at the thought of no wipes...sheesh!

If I were on top of things my bedroom would be clean, my bed made, my dishes washed, my bathtub scrubbed and my hair done...

But I am not.

On top of things, that is.

I did however, just have a kickin' dance party with Rigg in the kitchen and I played a stellar game of peek-a-boo with Ryder... So I think it all evens out.

*************************************************************

FYI:

The Captain has his annual MRI tomorrow morning. Prayers would be much appreciated. Y'all know how he hates the "metal tube of doom" being claustrophobic and all...

Also he has not been feelin' all that swell. So we are trying to see about getting meds changed and looking into other causes of his general icky feelings and all around tuckered out-ness...

I will try to post tomorrow about the MRI results.

BFF

2011-05-16T14:40:00.002-04:00

We've been friends almost forever. Well, really since1st and 2nd grade. But that is almost forever, right? We have shared almost everything... from clothes, to music, cars, vacations, show choir, secrets, prayers, hugs, tears, moms, beverages... probably gum... maybe a toothbrush or two... hard to say for sure, 23 years is a lot to account for.

Now we are moms... and we get to share our kids, and our lives in a whole new way.

Last week Heather and I packed up our sweet blessings and drove up to see Stacey and her 2 kids. (she moved away from town...booo!) It was so strange to look around at these girls I have known all my life, these women who have been there for everything that means anything to me... and see our kids...playing together... running, laughing, ~~whinning.~~

I am so blessed.

Stacey's husband has a farm.

E-I-E-I-O

And on his farm he has ~~some pigs~~ thousands and thousands of pigs.

And he was kind enough to show our oh-so excited offspring.

Rigg loves animals, so I was sure he would really enjoy the baby pigs...nope. This is as close to the little tykes as he would get.

maybe it has something to do with the fact that they sound like you are ripping them to pieces when you touch them... just sayin'.

All the other kids LOVED it! (well, Ryder didn't really show an interest :) )

We spent the rest of our day playing outside, chatting and munching on some tasty lunch...All too soon it was time to load up and head for home.

We were able to get a pic of all of us and our kids. (Heather's little girl wanted to sit next to Rigg!)

And just for fun... some pictures from a high school scrapbook... Ahh, memories!
You should know, my friend Cristi is also in these pictures...and so is my friend Lauren... who doesn't have a blog.
Lauren ~ you should have a blog... just sayin'

For Mother's Day

2011-05-09T09:26:00.000-04:00

I got me some family pics...

which was a real treat

because the 4 of us had not been on the same side of a camera lens together since the debacle that resulted in nothing resembling a well put together family, or otherwise known as the day Ryder was born

...sigh...

but now... oh, now, I have proof that we all exist in the same time and same place...

my boys are beautiful

my husband, handsome...

I think the pictures are wonderful...they make my heart joyous and make me smile from ear to ear...

there's just one thing missing

more pink...