It's been over a month since I've posted.
A lot has happened... and a lot has stayed the same.
I'll start with a brief update on Andy. I never know how to properly answer the question of how he is doing.
Because the honest answer is, slowly dying.
However, in that are moments of laughter, joy, tears, heartache, pain, sleep, alertness, conversation, prayers... ups and downs.
Andy cannot talk, hasn't been able to say words or carry a conversation since May of this year... but he can still communicate, with his eyes, hand motions... nodding... he still shows us he is still there and loving us.
Today marks a week since he has been out of bed. He has been taking all meals (when he wants them) and all baths in bed. He is getting weaker, sleeping more, skipping meals and showing less interest in things.
Yet, still has moments of pure Captain.
We cherish those.
I often get asked how the boys are.
Again, a hard question to answer. Because they tow the line and throw fits and get attitudes... but where do you decipher if these things are from abnormalities in their lives or because they are 3 and 5? I am not sure. So I try to be firm, consistent, gracious and caring... but even under normal circumstances parenting is a monumental task that takes more then what we know how to give.
God continues to be gracious and merciful to me and my boys. There are many moments of laughter and joy and sweetness... which helps in the moments of screaming and disobedience. :)
Rigg seems to get and really be processing all that is going on. He talks about remembering when His daddy was home and walking and talking. He knows that most daddies are not sick. He also knows that his daddy is going to Heaven soon. He commented the other day to a visitor who was speaking to Andy, "Daddy can't talk because he is sick, he won't get better until he gets to Heaven."
It's in those moments that I am both saddened and in awe.
Saddened that at 5, he has to know and understand these things... and in awe because he does know and understand these things... and believes them and trusts in them.
Faith like a child.
Rigg and I have good talks... ones that leave me hopeful for the man he will become and thankful for a God who has provided hope and truth for me to teach my children.
Ryder doesn't question much... but is usually a willing bystander to all the deep convos Rigg and I have. He takes it all in, and where Rigg questions everything, trying to understand and get a grip on all the new knowledge, Ryder just accepts it all as true. They are so different. Ryder is a cuddle bug.
He wants to hug and snuggle and touch and be too close. Some days it's fantastic... some days Mama just needs more space and less touching... everyday he wins me over with his charm and adorableness.
Ryder brings laughter and silliness. It rubs off on Rigg, and then they both get lost for a time in just being little boys who are too loud and too rough and say the words poop and fart too much.
Mixed blessings. :)
I've been trying to take time to go out with just them for something fun. Cupcake dates, mac and cheese lunches at a sit down restaurant, hikes through the park... times where we can sit and talk about important things... and nothing at all... or all things silly and little boy. I want them to know I love them, enjoy them, and have time for them.
Rigg and Ryder both LOVE superheroes. They pretended to be transformers...rescue bots, Superman, Spiderman, The Hulk, Captain America, and any and every other super hero you can name. They wrestle and save the world from bad guys all.day.long.
I am either the most hunted or the safest lady around... I'm still not sure which, because all day I am, both, being threatened by imaginary bad guys as well as being saved by very real and very short super heroes.
They are cute though, so I don't complain.
We went to a festival a couple weekends ago and Marines were collecting for Toys for Tots. As I was digging for my wallet I told the boys that they were going to get a chance to meet some real superheroes, who wear real superhero outfits and fight off real bad guys. The boys were so excited... the Marines were so kind to my little guys.
The days are a mix of really normal and very hard.
And any and all things in between.
But I am clinging to the promise that God is using this for His glory and His purpose.
I continue to pray that my boys will be drawn closer to God because of this hard thing in their lives and that God would magnify Himself in their hearts.
Apart from their salvation in Christ this is my biggest prayer for my sons... that the death of their daddy would not drive them from Christ but firmly draw them to Him.